Umpqua Eggnog Flavored Lowfat Milk

Appearance: Like the other Umpqua varieties, except kinda greenish. Not snot-like or anything, but there’s definitely a bit of a greenish cast to it. No lie. Kinda pale too. Visible flecks.

Taste: It has that archetypal nog flavor like its cousins, but there’s something lurking. A half second after you take a sip, it hits like a ton of bricks. A little hint of something that’s a cross between polyethylene and too much artificial vanilla. You probably wouldn’t notice if there were alcohol in it or if you’re not very picky.

Texture: Texture is a tiny bit thinner than perfect, but still within optimum range. I’m making this up, of course. I have no idea how thick egg nog is supposed to be. I’m just assuming my taste in nog is normal, and that Umpqua Old Fashion is the Platonic ideal nog.

Comments: I don’t know why they have both this and the Holiday Nog, although this is even lower fat and made with name-brand fake eggs (as opposed to Industrial Egg Substitute). It’s about the same, calorie- and fat-wise, as 2% milk. The ingredient list is longer than any of the others, and has way more goofy chemical names than the others.