WHAT IS A TOWNIE?

Also known as trendies, preps and scallies. They’re everywhere, and you either hate them or…are one. They’re the ones in beige skin-tight circulation stopping trousers that are two sizes two small and shoes that are so big and rubbery that they bounce rather than walk normally.

THE SOPHISTICATED TRENDY:

The most common disguise is white hipsters and synthetic, bright pink boob tubes, with plastic stilettos and an obviously fake leather jacket they bought/stole for 10 pounds/nothing in the sale in the local market.

If you should happen upon one of these, which, if your neighbourhood is anything like mine, you most certainly will, take precaution and stand at a far distance. Otherwise, the toxins from the huge amounts of hairspray holding their ponytails up as high as possible is bound to have some lasting effects on you, none of them good. This disguise works best, as it is hard to recognise them under the layers of orange foundation and lip liner.

The male versions of this kind wear Pinstripe trousers and polo-necks, Tank tops or Ben Sherman shirts, and have a random blob of hair gel with no apparent use positioned somewhere over their fringe. These trendies are the ones who walk down the street waving their mobile phones in the air for all to see and be jealous of (and it works, honest).

THE HARD TRENDY:

These are the trendies who offer themselves as walking adverts for sports companies everywhere. They too have huge amounts of hairspray, but are likely to wear less makeup. The boys have all shaved their heads at least once and / or bleached it like Eminem.

They chew gum a lot, and you will know them from far off because of their posture. If standing, there will probably be a group of them around a bus stop / shop doorway / park bench / some swings. They slump their heads, have a permanent glare, and for some reason stick their chins out like someone is pulling a string attached to their jaw. It is also more than likely they will be holding a cigarette but not smoking it properly.

These trendies are those most likely to hurl abuse at people like myself across the street, for being different to themselves. Most common insults given to boys are all variations of the label gay, for example homeboy, queer, nancy etc. Girls will receive dyke, slapper, and, if like myself, freak, grungey or goth. Beware: it is good for their reputations to fight a lot, so they are looking for excuses to beat you up. Thus they must hunt for their prey.

One of their hunting techniques is to stare at a random person, usually someone younger than them / more intelligent than them / different from them. Then, when the person glances at them and wonders why they are staring, they will say, “What are you looking at? You starting?” and proceed with their popularity gaining antics.

Another trick is to, again, choose a random person, and then quickly make something up like, “Jaye said you’ve been talking about me? What you been saying about my mother? I heard a rumor goin’ round that you wanna start on me” and then beat them up.

This technique is good, because after beating the person up, they can then say – “Jaye, why’d you say she’d been talking about me / my mother? You trying to start something?” and then beat her up. However, do not despair, because these trendies threaten on average 20 people a day, and usually only get around to carrying out 3 of these threats.

THE ALTERNATIVE FASHION TRENDY:

One thing I must make clear is that these trendies do not really dress in alternative clothing. Also, the fact that they are wearing flares and bandannas will not stop them shouting at any real hippies that may walk by.

They will attempt certain looks – for example, the skater look, the rock chick look and the bohemian babe look (as they describe it in tammy girl). However, they will never be able to pull any of these looks off.

The easiest way to differentiate between an alternative fashion trendy and an actual person of alternative fashion is that trendies will usually wear a top saying, “rock chick,” “hippy chick” or “urban chick.” The genuine article will not wear anything like this.

Also, once you have found one person wearing one of these, anyone else around dressed like that is likely to be a trendy too, as when the rock look comes in to fashion those who were into it before will usually stop dressing that way.

A common aspect of all types of trendy is chunky, fake gold jewelry. The girls wear 8 pairs of huge hooped earrings, and gold crucifixes as an attempt at being holy, but then if you go to a religious school / church you are then a victim for being a “bible basher”… This phrase does not fit as “bible basher” means devil worshipper, but how are they to know?

The boys wear a gold stud in one ear (and if it’s the wrong ear then you’re gay) and chunky “chains” round their necks. Both sexes wear huge rings with coins stuck to them with cheap glue.

QUESTIONS TRENDIES ASK US:

These are all questions me and my friends have actually been asked. Amazing, isn’t it?

You’re a virgin aren’t you?
You sacrifice virgins don’t you?
YOU drink alcohol?! But you’re too busy doing homework and stuff…
You drink blood all night don’t you?
Is your head an animal? (I promise)
Are you a blacksmith?
Did you just call ME gothic?
Do you get a buzz from dressing like that?
Do you like dressing like that? (No, I hate it…)
Are you a dyke?
Are you gay?
Are you a hippy? A hippy from a chippy?
You’re one of them old fashioned people aren’t you?
Do you worship Satan?
Do you wear odd socks?
YOU swear?!
You take drugs don’t you?
Are you into witchcraft and that?
Do you fly a broomstick?
Are you a weirdo? (Yes.)
Do you make your own clothes?
Are you a fugitive?
Are any of your clothes white?
Do you make lucky charms?
Do you live in a castle?
Are you like that boy on home and away?
Are you a vampire?
Why do you wear red eyeliner?
Why are your eyes red? (They’re contacts!!)
Don’t you like Adidas? What do you wear then?!
Are you a dog or something?
Are you one of them gothics?
Can you raise the dead?
Are you a kryptic?
Do you have any friends? (What do you call those? Bats?)
Do you wear black because you think white is poisonous?
Do you wear makeup?
Can you read my palm?
Are you a mangled goose?
Are you a hippy-crit?
Are you a human being?
Are you natural?
Do you like Limp Bizkit? (NO!!!!!!!!)
Can I join your witch gang?
Can I be black too?

You’re a stupid fockin freak. You worship the devil. You look stupid. I’d kill myself if I was like you. Can I borrow a pencil?
Do you like the moon?
Do you hug trees?
Who would win a fight out of God and Jesus vs. you and the Devil?
Is your underwear black? Can I check?
Are you scum? (You are.)
Are you a witch, cause you’re wearing a bike chain around your wrist?
Are you a not well in the head dyke / lesbo in black?
Are you that girl from the Adams family?
Are you a gothmoth?
Why do you have those chains? Are you a dog? (Well, you have lots of “chains” so…Here doggy doggy dog)
Can I burn you?
What do you do when it’s not a full moon?
What’s a goth?
Are you a GrUnGeEeEeEeEy!!?

THINGS TRENDIES SHOULD KNOW:

The fact that I wear baggy jeans does not make me a goth. Will you get that into your fucking heads?

If someone is a goth, they ARE goths, Thus calling them goths, gothics or gothos will not insult them.

There are only so many times you can tell the “dead have arisen” joke.

Just because we don’t sit in bus stops drinking lemon hooch doesn’t mean we don’t go out.

There is no need to look surprised when you see us doing our makeup. I don’t have naturally black eyelids.

Adidas is NOT a designer label. Neither is Tommy Hilfiger, Gap or Ben Sherman.

Rock music is not Elvis.

All people dressed differently than you are not gay, hippies or freaks.

9-year-olds smoking is ridiculous, not cool.

Walking like the hanger is still in your coat does not look hard. Neither does spitting, quoting Eminem lyrics, shaving your head or talking like you have a brick up your arse.

It’s fuck, not fock.

Wearing a gold coin on your finger does not make you look rich.

It’s not a medallion or a chain, it’s a necklace. Get over it.

Being looked at is not an excuse to start a fight.

Working in McDonalds is not a preferable ambition.

I hate to point this out, but you’re all wearing the same outfit.

NSYNC do not play their own instruments.

The lyrics to The Backstreet Boys’ songs are not deep. Nor is Ronan Keating good looking.

Trying to sing like Christina or Beyonce will not do your common accent any good.

It’s not cool to fail all your subjects. Those who pass are not swats who have no life – they’re the people you’ll be packing shopping bags for when you leave school.

Too much hairspray will kill you.

Buying fake Tommy Hilfiger aftershave will not make you irresistible.

Being good at PE is not an academic achievement.

It may be family practice, but having a baby at 13 is not recommended.

Just because your trainers and shell suit are the same brand doesn’t mean the colours can’t clash.

Luminous trainers don’t go with ANYTHING.

Having competitions to see who can go the longest without breathing whilst consuming the most phlegm of an unintelligent 12 year old outside the school gates does not make us jealous.

Tight combat trousers and coq sportif polo shirts are not skater wear.

Not ALL goths are into wicca.

We don’t claim to be original, just different from you.

Chunky gold is horrible, not classy.

Limp Bizkit are not a reference to my musical tastes so saying you like them doesn’t impress me.