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Ask the King of Prussia

K�nig Pr��e, GfbAEV — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 00:00:00 +0000

World Cup Barbery

Dear King of Prussia,

What's your drink?

Frank Shacknasty

Well, frankly, Frank, it would depend on the occasion. I like Hacker-Pschorr beer, and Glendronach scotch the best, I suppose. But as an inveterate drinker, it is well to be familiar with the entire bar. Get to know the bartender, too; for often he or she keeps the "good stuff" under the counter. Sometimes, I have a bottle of some really good stuff, then I forget what it was, it was so good! Like the bottle of old German brandy wrapped in a spider web!

Dear King of Prussia,

I've never been what you'd call a sports fan. They've always kind of annoyed me, actually, sports fans. Lunkheads, the whole lot of 'em. Now I'm living in Germany, which is gearing up to host the World Cup. How can I manage an entire month of being surrounded by the lunkiest headed lunkheads from all over the world?

Sean

Well, Sean...only today I heard that the authorities confiscated the passports of 3,500! known soccer hooligans, so I know the tempers are running high. There was even a Soccer War between El Salvador and Honduras that started as a game brawl, and went on to some real fighting. Mexico beat Iran! Today's front page news! Netherlands beat Serbia-Montenegro! Hoo-boy! Such a deal! Yeah, I sort of know what you mean about being surrounded by a lot of hooplah in which you have little or no interest. I might advise a trip to the Spa at Baden-Baden and a little light action in the Casino to take your mind off the pelota.

Dear King of Prussia,

My friends and I all love your articles and comments on thingsihate.org. Stacey likes Hatless Jack, but Jenna and I think you are the dreamiest. Are you married?

AN ADMIRER

Dear Admirer!

No! I am footloose and fancy free! I am available for weddings and Bar-Mitzhahs! Or sorority parties, as long as they don't involve the ADPi girls. I am enjoying singletude, and have no current entanglements. But I have not ruled out the possibility of a contractual copulatory committment.

Dear King of Prussia,

I am currently going to beauty school, with a focus on barbery and friseurmanship. It's something I am really passionate about but all my friends think I am a sissy and have started calling me things like a sissy hair-cutter and ladyboy. I tell them that in the old days barbers were also surgeons and could cut your skin off. But what's worse is that one time one of my fellow students came out with us to the pub overheard them making fun of me. Now everyone in school is calling me a sissy, and always snipping their scissors at me and playing like they will cut me. I try to ignore it but secretly it hurts my feelings. What should I do?

Haircutter in Houston

Dear Haircutter,

Two of my good friends are barbers, and my first wife was a beautician, and a very attractive woman. Grooming is an important aspect of life, and I think the money you will be making will be more than a lot of your contemporaries' incomes, so you can laugh all the way to the bank. Recently, I was noticing that a first-class dye and streak job can go for USD 500 to USD 750 or more! One sister-in-law got into making and selling handbags, so I thought about it myself! What a job for the King of Prussia, huh? So, I thought to get a catchy name. I thought "Ho' Bag" would be a great name for my product, but then I discovered that the designer, Lisa Ho, is already marketing a "Ho Bag!" Back to the ol' drawing board. But, hey! I'll tell you what: if you get into the grooming business, you will always have a demand for your services, you will always have a fine income, and you will always be surrounded by some beautiful people!

Are you having a problem? The King of Prussia can help. Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!

Boozed in Boston

K�nig Pr��e, GfbAEV — Wed, 28 Dec 2005 00:00:00 +0000

Ask the King of Prussia

Dear King of Prussia,

The holidays are here and it's the season for family. Which raises the question: what booze mixes well with Eggnog? I'd preferably like something that would be improved by being stored surreptitiously at body temperature in a slim hip flask (as is my plan). I'm also looking for something high proof for space concerns but that's secondary to taste. I'm not above drinking Listerine in an emergency and there are sure to be plenty of emergencies this year along with tragedies, comedies, dramas, and possibly a petrarchan sonnet.

If you knew my family you'd understand.

Boozed in Boston.

Dear Boozed in Boston,
I just did finish a fine bottle of Meyer's Dark Jamaican Rum, which was also on sale at the local store just for the Holidays, with some good egg nog. It was tastey! I like it with a bit of nutmeg on top. But I have also added Wild Turkey 101 to egg nog with good results. I have had egg nog made in a 20-gal pot, but the store makes some nice select variety egg nog. There is also a Latino variety that one may purchase in stores or make from scratch, Rompopo. There are online recipes for Rompopo, and you may see that it is similar to egg nog. Also, pleas check-out the past feature of egg nog tastings!

Dear King of Prussia,

I am an atheist and I enjoy the seasonal festivities of the various religions. However, there are many in every philosophical group who do not honor their own religion's precepts and have regressed into the most primitive forms of fetishism. There seems to be an evil inherent in their menacing, leering grins and an implied threat of violence, or at least some sort of curse that will prohibit me from planting crops after the Spring flood, or achieving an erection in the New Year of the Julian calendar. How can I counter the evil intent of these ethnic revelers?

Signed,
Flummoxed in Fresno

Dear Flummoxed in Fresno,
You can get a specially-made Mojo Bag to counteract the bad juju. But, WARNING! Do not open this Mojo Bag up, as the gris gris will get out and run all over the place, and get some attention perhaps from Legba himself. So, just get the Mojo Bag from the address that I sent to you, and Have a Happy Holiday!

Dear King of Prussia,

What should I do for a New Year's resolution this year? I make New Year's resolutions every year, but I never keep them. How can I keep a New Year's resolution?

Signed,
Irresolute in Iowa

Dear Irresolute in Iowa,
Many people have trouble keeping New Year's resolutions, I think that it's part of their intent to promise things that they have no plan to hold to. Also, it seems easy to swear to repent when you are in the middle of a whopping New Year's day hangover, so maybe the best thing to do is to have another drink, and don't resolve to do or not do anything too big, but something actually achievable.

Dear King of Prussia,

I have a sleep condition known as "sleep apnea" that prevents me from breathing properly at night. This in turn interrupts my sleep, leaving me tired all day. Until I correct this situation, I am finding my daily commute to be a great personal danger, since every day I am on the road for two hours and it is very difficult to stay awake all that time. How do I keep from nodding off at the wheel?

Yours ever,

Practically Unconscious

Dear PU,
I am aware of sleep apnea, and I know that it can be a serious condition. My first thoughts are to get some truck-driver pills! But also you might consult a sleep clinic. I believe that the Air Force tells the B-1 Bomber pilots not to sleep, but to take little catnaps, or power naps. I think that this is a sound plan. Maybe you are so tired and exhausted that you are not sleeping normally. So, you may have to sneak-up on a good night's sleep. If you practice relaxing and catnapping, perhaps you will find that you are sleeping better. I find that a snack always helps me to sleep. But don't overeat, or eat spicey food, or mustard, because you will dream of the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Are you having a problem? The King of Prussia can help. Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!

Juiced in Jersey

K�nig Pr��, GfbAEV — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:00:00 +0000

Ask the King of Prussia

Dear King of Prussia,

My coworker chews tobacco. I would hate to discourage this habit in any way, since it seems to be his only source of joy since he moved here from Cincinatti and got a divorce, but I find the habit disgusting and it is interfering with the natural male bonding that takes place between us as we go on fishing trips and I listen to him play guitar ever so soulfully by our lint-enhanced campfire. Is there any hope for us to be true sports buddies? Can I somehow take the place of his chewing tobacco, thus enriching both of our lives?

Ever yours,

Juiced in Jersey

Dear Juiced in Jersey,

I myself occasionally chew the foul weed. I prefer plug tobacco, like Black Maria, but occasionally chew cigar leaf. In the shipyards in Vancouver, Washington across the Columbia River from Portland, they mostly dip Copenhagen, as smoking is disallowed. But I discovered a dry powder tobacco called "Ralph's Scotch Railroad Snuff" that looks like instant chocolate powder, and is easy to use without spitting. Take a matchbook cover and spoon up a bunch of the tobacco powder, drop it into your lower lip, and it disolves! Instant tobacco blast with no spit! It isn't the chewing that's so obnoxious, it's the spitting. I myself dislike people who carry around a little cup to spit in. I almost drank tobacco spit once thinking it was coffee, but fortunately it was wintergreen flavoured and the smell warned me off. The difficulty with most chewers is that they get fixated on a particular style and method, so you might have some work to coax your friend to use the Scotch snuff. If the task proves insurmountable, it might be an instance of love me, love my dog. Maybe you could feed all of his chewing tobacco to his dog, and while the dog is wretching, you could run away!

Dear King of Prussia,

My wife and I always find your answers useful and/or enlightening, but there's one question that always nags us and is in fact a bone of contention between us. Please help our marriage by answering the question we just can't get out of our minds and spats: Which King of Prussia are you?

Specious Spouse in Aspen

Dear Specious Spouse in Aspen,

And well you might ask! For there have indeed been several Kings of Prussia, all of them being Fredericks of one stripe or another. There was Frederick of Augsburg, Frederick of Hamburg, Frederick of Farfegnugen, among many others. I myself am the Frederick of Hollywood King of Prussia.

Dear King of Prussia,

Someone -- and I don't know who -- at the place where I work seems to enjoy befouling the toilets in the men's room. Every toilet has a little brush next to it. So why is the toilet so often smeared and filled with disturbingly discolored water? Obviously this person cares enough to flush, but just doesn't FLUSH ENOUGH or USE THE BRUSH even though he REALLY NEEDS TO. What kind of person does this?

Yours,
Disturbed in Denver

Dear Disturbed in Denver,

A messy, inconsiderate person! But how to solve the problem? Perhaps the addition of several of those blue tank cleaners for each unit would send the message, or at least make the water so blue and fragrant that the problem would at least not be so obvious. Alternatively, you could declare war on his butt! And mine the john with snappers, poppers, and various smoking pyrotechnics that, should the offender ever park his offending behind to do his foul deed, there would be plenty of disincentive to do so again, as well as the possibility of getting his butthocks flamb�d. Another possiblity is going to the "executive john" system, where everyone can get a key, and there are attendents, a masseuse, a shoeshine guy, a cigar lounge, then someone else can worry about that guy's behind.

Lint-ball in Louisville

K�nig Pr��, GfbAEV — Wed, 19 Oct 2005 00:00:00 +0000

Ask the King of Prussia

Dear The King of Prussia,

I have a lot of boards in my yard. What should I do with them?

Yours,
Idle in Islington

Dear Idle in Islington

Make a novena!

I actually have some experience with lots of lumber in the yard situations. There was an Italian construction contractor who had been padding his bids for years, and buying extra boards with the margin. So, he was getting close to retirement and was feeling guilty for years of being a crook, and he went the priest to confess. He told the priest what he'd done and the priest said that he should make a novena, to which the Italian contractor replied, "Hey, no problem! You got the plans, I got the lumber!"

Dear King of Prussia,

I have a lint-ball. Not in my belly-button. It's a 387-lb lint-ball. I spend most of my time hanging out at the laundromats checking the drier-filters for more lint to add to my lint-ball. My wife complains that I care more about my lint-ball than I do about her. I keep my lint-ball in the living room and it's so big that I can't see the TV. What should I do?

Lint-ball in Louisville

Dear Lint-ball in Louisville,

I have had similar problems with large obstructions in the living room obscuring my view of the TV from time to time. My solution is to get a large wall mirror and position it so as to reflect the TV image around the lint-ball. You may have to get a second mirror for your wife, if you are not sitting very close together at this time.

Dear King of Prussia,

Do you smoke a pipe? After reading your "Crabs!" story, I imagine it's the kind of thing you might have picked up from some old sea captain at some point.

Curious in Canada

Dear Curious in Canada,

Yes, I smoke a pipe. My current favorite pipe is made from a section of cherry tree branch with a curved bakelite stem. I believe it is manufactured by Rupp Pipes. I smoke "Navy Cut" or flake tobacco. Navy cut originated with the British sailors smuggling tobacco in their neck scarves, and when they would smoke, they'd cut off some shreds. This kind of shred-cut is still called "Navy Cut" today. My pop would have had a laugh, as he smoked pipes nd also had a hookah. There have sprung up several trendy hookah establishments around, where one may smoke sheesha. I would like to get a pipe made of a walrus tusk with scrimshaw.

Are you having a problem? The King of Prussia can help. Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!

Plywood in Portland

K�nig Pr��e, GfbAEV — Mon, 03 Oct 2005 00:00:00 +0000

Ask the King of Prussia

Dear MacGuyver-esque,

I had given some thought about MacGuyver's use of duct tape to solve his dilemmas. And I have thought that duct tape is sort of plastic and adhesive, neither one of which would taste especially great. Or too, I had thought that duct tape could be used to assist in holding your breath; but could result in forgetting to take the duct tape off and your head might explode and your eyeballs pop-out. Or I'd thought that you might be able to rig some kind of a device constructed of empty beer cans joined together with duct tape. But what might end-up happening if you try that is you would get your head stuck to it in some way that would result in your talking like that advice guy who is jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller. Perhaps MacGuyver is not the best role-model for this sort of activity.

Dear Afflicted with Zombies,

I've given some thought to the hi-octane/low-octane problem, and why does it have to be one or the other? Do shots and beers until the zombies start to look good!

Dear Milk Shake Mix Re-Cycling,

I think that just about everyone has their doubts about the fast-food places. If it isn't a finger in the chile, it's the damned burger-flippers hocking on the burgers. So, my advice would be to try a better restaurant, or maybe a Peugot franchise.

Dear Plywood in Portland,

I think you shouldn't worry about producing hi-quality plywood. Just open a plant in Roseburg and run junk wood through the chipper, press it together with plenty of epoxy, and sell lots of it cheap. Then, build a park with a fountain in Portland and everyone will forget all about the crappy chipboard, and just remember the cool fountain.

Keep those cards and letters coming!
No problem too big or too small.
KP

Are you having a problem? The King of Prussia can help. Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!

Ask the King of Prussia

Editors — Fri, 23 Sep 2005 00:00:00 +0000

A new regular feature

You know who has problems these days? You do. Probably you'd like to solve these problems. Unfortunately for you, you can't. Why? We won't sugar coat it: incompetence.

Who better to ask, then, than the King of Prussia? From the sultry saloons of Portland's Chinatown to San Francisco's foggy wharfs; from the dusty trails of Baja California to the country roads of ~~West~~ Virgina, the King of Prussia has been there and done that, and pulled it off with more style and class than is dreamt of in most people's philosophies.

After dispensing his wisdom for years in the comments -- and occasional submissions -- the King of Prussia is ready to tackle the most difficult of questions, directly from you the readers of thingsihate.org. Think your significant other is cheating? The King has seen it before. Need help with that Form 5500 Schedule SSA for your income taxes? It's old hat.

Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!