I Hate Bra Designers

So after searching and searching I finally found a good make and model of bra. (Ironically, I can't think of the name. I think it has something to do with flowers -- Lily of France? I saved the tags and will make note of the serial number.) They have wide straps that distribute weight, well-padded underwires, all that good stuff.

There are only two problems with 'em.

One is really my fault. Some of the bras are a different model than the others, largely because I wasn't paying attention. Shopping of any variety, but especially the kind where I have to try stuff on, makes me dazed and stupid for a while.

Anyway, this company makes one all-regular-fabric model, with padded straps, and that kind is wonderful. It actually feels right and keeps the goods where they need to be. There's another kind with unpadded (but still comfortable) straps and cups made partially of lace.

This too would be okay - gotta let the things breathe, after all - but for the fact that some designing genius decided to make the straps' anchor point on the lace section. So all that's really holding up one's breasts is an inch of very thin lace. It's certainly suspenseful.

The other problem is, unfortunately, common to all the bras in the line. The strap attaches to the front (the back on the all-fabric model) via a thin, brittle plastic ring. It's as thick as a mint flavored courtesy toothpick, and about as sturdy. Not good.

If I were manufacturing bras for people whose sizes contained multiple letters, I would use strong fabric and metal fasteners. I mean, these bras have huge underwires already, so it's not like adding metal fasteners would suddenly make them set off metal detectors. I would also sew the seams many, many times.

Anyway, I spent a good portion of today in bra maintenance. I checked the wires and the boning (that may not be the right word. Matie would know, but I don't. The plastic side slats.) and reinforced their ends if they looked likely to pop out. When one of my wires goes, it goes suddenly. Couple that with its sharpness and the way it's spring loaded and I worry about taking an underwire to the heart. The boning just hurts a little when it escapes.

I darned the aforementioned structural lace.

Then, and this was the fun part, I cut out the weak plastic rings and replaced them with 3/4" metal D rings.

It took me a while to find those; I visited several craft and sewing stores before I found one that stocked them. On the plus side, they're 6 for $1. The store that sold them is a sort of discount fabric store. When I went in, no one was manning the register. I couldn't find anyone, either, so I ended up just writing what I bought (so they'd know to restock, of course) on a piece of scratch paper and leaving it and the money on the register, weighted down with a demo pair of fabric scissors. That was the biggest shopping adventure I've had in a while.

They're hard to bend with my cheapo 6-in-1 Tool Kit pliers. I put the screwdriver from that kit through the D ring and use it as a handle as I pull one end with the pliers. I only have to bend a little, enough to let the fabric through. Once they're in place I bend them back, then sew the strap around the D ring so it doesn't slip.

I used to get a little pang of guilt when I mixed hardware and sewing, or power tools and cooking, or Barbies and Transformers, but I think I've gotten over that. Hey, man, whatever works.

Plus, I'm matching thread color to bra color, which is as close as I get to classy.

On the subject of underwear, I had a wacky story to tell. Once I got really frustrated with one breast being bigger than the other and I had the wrong size bra anyway and I was wearing a low-cut shirt, so I just went nuts and stuck everything together with spray adhesive and duct tape. This worked rather well until it came time to take my clothes off. For days afterwards my breasts were covered in cat fur and dirty remnants of adhesive. But then I realized that it was more pathetic than anything to get all hated up about and only really deserved a run-on paragraph.