kiss the chemist

so i've been trying to be friendly to some of the girls in my chemistry class. it's the only class i actually talk in, and i feel very comfortable in it. luckily there are only 5 guys in the class including me. the rest are all girls, the great majority of which are very attractive. and at least one of them is witty, because i hear her sometimes make fun of our teacher who is some type of hindi. and she once referred to some of the information in our textbook as "nonsense" when asking if it was going to be on the test. i think she may hold the same ambivalence i feel for college work.

i'm not sure of her name, but i bought some candy from her the other day. she stood up from her desk before class and asked if anyone would like to buy some candy. i looked at her and started clapping. i don't know why, i just did. it didn't seem like a clapping-appropriate situation, but it felt natural. after i was done clapping i said:

"i love candy! bring it here, you!"

i told her to give me the candy that no one likes. she said that that i was her first and she had to sell fifteen candy bars as a fundraiser for her dance class. i replied:

"your first, ey?"

and then i began to rummage around her bag. i picked up a king-size kit kat and made a comment about how i bet kings have bigger candy bars then this. then i said:

"what kind of dancing do you do? breakdancing? lap dancing? dirty dancing?"

then i clicked my tongue and made a dirty sneer type grin. she told me that she didn't know any of those dances. but that she invented the macarena. i told her that no one likes a liar... unless they have candy! which she did, so i let her go...

i'm not sure if any of the girls in the class appreciate my sardonic wit, but i'm hoping at least one of them does. i thought it would be too hard learning all the girls' names in my class and then approaching them one by one. plus no respectable girl is going to want to know me if she sees that she was only the fifth girl i approached. so, i figured short of hiding in the stall in the girls room and pulling aside each of my classmates one by one asking them if they like tall, lanky, doofuses, i was going to have to try something else.

i decided to take advantage of the fact that my teacher is a hindi and doesn't hear half of what i say. instead of directing my clever statements to individual girls, i just kind of yell it out loud.

we were making methyl salicate in class today. methyl salicate is basically what gives wintergreen gum the wintergreen smell. we had a choice of making wintergreen or bananaline which smells like a banana. me and my labmate lou chose wintergreen and we proceded. At various intervals of our lab experimentation, i would yell out:

"Dr. Naidoo? My flask smells like a urinal," then a couple minutes later, "Dr. Naidoo, my beaker smells like a gypsy."

i'd say, "is sulfuric acid supposed to taste like this?"

no one seemed too responsive to my shout-outs, so to speed the whole process up, i wrote on my lab apron with a ballpoint pen:

"kiss the chemist."

i wrote it while i was wearing the apron and as a result the 's's are backwards, or upside down, i'm not sure which, but hopefully it looks cute and doesn't make me look like some sorta moron!

i should note that for some reason most of the students in my class think i'm a chemistry genius because i sit and look out the window all class and still pull in 'A's. so at the end of the laboratory period i walk around the class and heckle some of the other groups with guys in them that haven't finished the experiment yet. i'll say things to belittle them and undermine their confidence like:

"you idiot! ester salts aren't gonna dissolve into a solute unless you add heat! woah! Not that much heat!"

and

"it's a damn good thing that bunsen burner only has one knob on it or else we'd all be dead, ha ha, isn't that right, Dr. Naidoo!"

hopefully these girls will see me as a sort of bad-ass Bill Nye the science guy.

on the way out of class i pulled this one girl over who i had worked with before and said that her hair was as beautiful as nitrogen tri-iodide reacting with trilium and oxygen in the perfect vacuum of a fume hood. she kind of smiled at me and replied:

"don't you mean tritium?"

i blushed and said, "yeah..."

i miss you, jessica.