By: Annna [2000-12-11]

Arbitrary Egg Nog Judgments

A valuable addition to the ThingsIHate.org Consumer Guide

Hi. My name is Anna Truwe and tonight I would like to take you on a mysterious journey through the land of egg nog.

I know that within fifteen minutes of posting this article my father will email me and tell me that "egg nog" is one word. That is possible, but most of the brands of nog I have seen have it divided into two words.

I was walking through the grocery store with my friends Joel and Spider when I chanced upon the dairy aisle.

"Wow, egg nog!" I rejoiced. I decided to get some. Then I noticed that there were five different kinds of egg nog, and that I'd have to make a decision.

I hate making decisions. So I bought the smallest container of every different kind of egg nog. If things worked out, I'd never have to make a snap nog decision again.

So, loyal thingsihate readers, all three of you need not follow in my drastic footsteps. Learn from my experience, and select your holiday beverages accordingly!

The nogs are presented in order of - well, in order of which one was first when I opened the refrigerator. I was going to arrange the reviews alphabetically, but they kind of have to be read in order. Let's drop the assumption that you even give a damn about egg nog right now and get on with the reviewing.

Next
Introduction 2 3 4 5 6 7 Conclusion

Aigknög [2000-12-10 22:59:09] König Prüß, GfbAEV

I, too, have been conducting
infernal Aigknög experiments.
Our local idiomatic derivation
is Aigknög, and it seems to
taste much better with Rum
than with Bourbon, although
this is perhaps a matter of
personal preference. It must
be liberally dusted with
nutmeg and consumed from a
pickelhaube. It has been
discovered that consuming
1 litre of Aigknög and 350g
of sauerkraut has peculiar
results, this might also work
with strawberry milk and cole slaw.

Nog [2000-12-11 20:25:23] Sean

I always hated egg nog growing up. But for some reason, your review struck up a craving like I ain't never felt. So on the way home from work, I stopped by the store to get some. All they had was "Classic Nog," a seemingly brandless variety that comes in a simple black carton. Look at http://monkeyland.thingsihate.org/~sean/nog.jpg to see it. (Warning: Very large image).

It's as thick as drinking melting ice cream. Thicker, even. More like drinking a milk shake. The first five ingredients are Milk, Cream, and Sugar, Corn Syrup AND High Fructose Corn Syrup. It also has Guar Gum. I have no idea why any cream-based product would need a thickener.

The only clue you're given about its origin is on the side where it says: "Distributed by American Procurement & Logistics Co." and then gives an address in Salt Lake City. It also has an 800 number.

Nog contest [2000-12-11 20:32:39] Sean

The archbishop Dave uh... Smith holds contests to see who can consume a certain amount of dairy products in a certain time period -- a gallon of milk in an hour, a half gallon of half-and-half in a half hour, etc -- it'd be nice if he held a nog-based contest for the holiday season.

http://www.ulink.net/archbishop/food/handh.html

Whoa [2000-12-14 12:21:59] Annna

Your "Classic Nog" looks like nog that one would get from the porn store. It has that fancy-yet-cheap silver-on-black design. Cool.

So do you have some kind of disability that won't let you crop images? Dammit, I did the nog pictures in MSPAINT. Some of our readers are on dialup!

Gwar Gum [2000-12-16 09:54:59] König Prüß,GfbAEV

I think that Gwar Gum
is added as a binder
and emulsifier so that
the various weights of
elements don't layer
like a Puce Cafe.

Pousse Cafe [2000-12-16 10:18:25] König Prüß,GfbAEV

Pousse Cafe

1/6 oz grenadine
1/6 oz yellow chartreuse
1/6 oz creme de yvette
1/6 oz green creme de menthe
1/6 oz green chartreuse
1/6 oz brandy

The liquers are floated
over a spoon in to a glass
so that the layer.

No Gwar Gum needed.

I've seene this in a 5-layer
7-layer, and a three-layer
called a "Stoplight"
There's a three-layer in
a test tube called a "Jellybean"

There's also a Bruce's Cafe
that's something like Baily's
Irish, Kihluah, Brandy, Cointreau

Classic Nog [2001-01-02 14:19:39] Sean

Strangely, the next time I went back to the store, the "Classic Nog" had disappeared and been replaced with Albertson's brand egg nog.

I'm trying to imagine what could have lead to such a weird nog setup. I can imagine some Albertson's regional manager shouting into a phone "What do you mean we can't get the house brand nog out here in time for the holiday season? Damn it, I don't want excuses, I want results! Damn it! OK, well, is there anywhere else we can get large quantities of egg nog? What's that, there's a giant warehouse sitting in the Utah desert full of black, unlabeled cartons of egg nog? How soon can we slap some fancy-yet-cheap silver-on-black writing on?"

I wish I'd purchased some of the Alberton's brand nog to compare.

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