By: Annna [2001-01-01]

How Insane People Get Here

First update of the millennium! Eat it, Sean!

Other than Sean's postings at slashdot and my profile at Portal of Evil, the biggest referrers to this humble web site are search engines. It's both fun and incredibly disturbing to see what people are looking for on the Web, and what brings them here. Let's peek at the logs.

First, the things for which we get loads and loads of hits:

artificial+Christmas+trees
MULTIPLE+christmas+trees
aluminum+Christmas+trees
christmas+trees+that+are+alive

One of the first articles here was about how Sean doesn't like artificial Christmas trees. The people looking for Christmas tree information online, judging by their comments, are insane.

free+animals+fucking+humans
funny+bestiality
animals+fucking+humans
horse+bestiality+fiction
pictures+of+people+having+sex+with+animals
pictures+of+people+having+sex+with+animal

Sean was pretty quick to inform us that he doesn't like bestiality pornography either. Unfortunately, the websearching public does. I'm not sure what the fellow looking for funny bestiality had in mind, but I'm pretty sure the last guy was looking for porn featuring Animal, the Muppet.

finger+nail+bruise+black+drill
hammer+injury+fingernail+black
bruise+and+finger
white+spot+under+finger+nail
what+to+do+lose+of+fingernail
thumbnail+bleeding

Wow. I hope I did the world a service. Unfortunately, nobody's written in to say how their fingernails are doing, so they either ignored my advice or died of blood loss as their computers' screensavers kicked in over this page. I hope I don't get sued.

his+infernal+majesty

I used this phrase in one article, but a lot of people, many of them Spaniards, have been drawn here because of it. It makes me feel a little bad that it's only a dream I had where I became Danny Elfman.

Those are the things that we've gotten dozens to hundreds of hits for. Now, the lone weirdoes:

car+theif

This one is all Sean's fault. I know how to spell "thief."

boat+fucking

Sir, you have come to the right place.

fucking+on+a+boat

Sir, you have very nearly come to the right place.

kidnap+toilet

I AM ALERTING THE AUTHORITIES.

peter+swimm
petey+konig
the+worst+dungeon+master+ever
worst+Dm+ever
craig+timpany
worst+DM+ever++things+I+hate
worst+GM++spider+dungeons+dragons
ben+truwe
matie+truwe

Ooh, cool! Repeat visitors who have gotten lost! Or perhaps stalkers!

How+do+you+get+bacteria+from+a+persons+hand?

I dunno; try licking it. I'd like to point out that this wasn't an Ask Jeeves search - they just typed a question into Google. Some people just don't know how to use keywords.

how+do+surgical+drills+work
why+is+one+breast+bigger+than+the+other
how+do+you+get+get+gum+off+of+concrete
what+equipment+does+danny+elfman+use

Improper use of keywords, people! In answer to your questions:
Probably a lot like regular drills, except sterile.

Because your body isn't guaranteed to have bilateral symmetry. Nobody else can tell, though, so don't worry so much. It'll probably settle itself in a few years.

God, I dunno. I'd try scraping it with something, then I'd just try pouring random solvents on it. It's concrete. You shouldn't have to clean it.

There is no reason you need to know what equipment Danny Elfman uses. He's a damn genius! You aren't going to write good songs because you have his synthesizer. You should work on dating his daughters instead, in hopes of improving the musical abilities of your offspring. (This also works with Devo.)

christian+pirate+puppets

Ooh, cool. I know what you're looking for, but I read about it in a text file the same as you did.

how+to+make+bat+wings
how+to+kidnap
how+to+steal+car+stereos

Wow. The Internet really does teach people about crime. I'm picturing a detailed How To Kidnap FAQ with ASCII art diagrams.

reinforced+bras
strong+bra
huge+bras
duct+tape+bra
Bali+Bra
adhesive+bra

Sometimes I feel like I should write more, much more about women's underwear. Women's underwear that is strong and large, like a TREE.

men+dressed+as+ninja

Wait, not actual ninja, just guys dressed like ninja? That's not going to help!

richard+simmons+is+gay
richard+simmons+gay

I hardly think you'll find your slanderous allegations echoed online, sirs!

black+nasty+whole+ass

Better than being half-assed, I suppose.

7+sided+dice
three-wheeled+car
true+crime+novels
wham-o+air+blaster
eat-a-bug
luchador+mask
re-animation+of+the+dead
DR+HERBERT+WEST
moraff+dungeon
zombie+kids
Zombies+Game
zombies+virus

Welcome, my brothers!

evil+robot
robot+legend
future+robots
future+of+robots
breakdancing+the+robot

Robots, I'm told, give my father the heebie-jeebies.

video+game+violence+is+okay
i+hate+pornography
i+hate+the+christmas

Your views intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

(I'm only humoring the pornography guy.)

The+Zombies+That+Ate+People

Sounds like a pretty good movie, but it's kind of like that one Twilight Zone with the spooky mirror. Or that Star Trek where they met those aliens with the weird foreheads.

turnip+postcard
dead+sea+pony
AFRO+ASS
ass+in+satin
HAIR+WAFFLE+IRON
evil+dead+pony
stomping+on+rats
kabuki+bicycle
naked+unicycle
liquid+poop
monkey+division

These could be anyone. Your Economics teacher. Your pastor. That guy across from you at the restaurant could have been searching desperately for advice about his nude unicycling or his prodigious ass hair.

I recommend cutting off all human contact.

blush [2001-01-01 03:03:49] craig timpany

How embarassing. Busted while ego-searching.

Not that it was much of a head-swell. It's not like I was at AltaVista and it came back with the Related Searches thing.

But at least I don't have a namesake on the net.

crud... theif [2001-01-01 03:50:44] Sean

There's even a comment on that article that uses the word "theif."

I feel as though I've lead the readers astray, and now one is using the same incurrect speeling.

Remember: "I" before "E" except after "C" or in "weird" and "Heidi" or if you're the frickin' webmaster and can do whatever you damn well please.

YEAH YOU HEAR THAT YOU GODDAM FREAKS LOOKING FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE ANIMAL PORN?

I'm hungry, yet tired. Eat or sleep? Also I am nasty and covered in the sweat of other people from tonight's concert. Maybe I should shower.

Hmmmm... [2001-01-01 07:52:30] König Prüß, GfbAEV

Attack of the Three-legged
Yuletide Zombie Camel Cocineros
from Cuernavaca

Moraff's Revenge! [2001-01-01 16:34:51] staniel

sweet ever-loving pigshit! I never thought I'd find another human being familiar with Moraffware. does anyone know where I can get a copy of Steve Moraff's novel?

Evil Dead 4 - when zombie ponies attack! [2001-01-02 20:52:36] Buzz McCoy

i hope the evil dead pony guy liked my story about ponies. he was probably all bummed that there wasn't any evil or any dead in it though... the aluminum christmas tree one reminded me of the seinfeld where georges dad wants to start celebrating "festivus" again (his holiday that he made up in place of chanukah and christmas where instead of having a menorah or a christmas tree you have a large aluminum pole that everyone gathers around so they can tell each other all the ways that they have been dissappointed by them in the past year. and then of course, there were the 'feats of strength'... good shit.

i like thai, you like shirt? [2001-01-02 21:09:22] Buzz McCoy

i forgot to mention... i haven't been around for a bit because i'm in bangkok. bangkok. i like saying that. i'm in bangkok. and not to say that there isn't an internet cafe at every corner for 1 baht per minute (about a buck and a half per hour american), but more accurately to say that the time i'm having here is raw and intense, and i'm loving every minute of it. if anyone needs anything from thailand, be sure to mention it soon, everything here is cheap as hell. i'm living on roughly 20 bucks a day including room food and travel. i got a 1/2 hour massage this morning for 2 bucks. bottled water is 35 cents. cigarettes are a dollar. i'm thinking about setting up an internet company just selling counterfeit stuff. you can get oakley rip off backpacks or timberland boots for a couple bucks. i purchased a thai red bull t-shirt from ebay last month so i could look cool in native threads as soon as i got off the plane. i paid 14 bucks total. they sell it here for about 3. but i digress. i'm headed to the beaches today. its a balmy 89 degress and i'd like to work on my tan and take some pictures. i encourage anyone with the available cash to put thailand on their future itinerary. i paid 900 for a roundtrip ticket out of nyc. its a fantastic place for meeting people from around the world. the backpacker culture here is off the hook. khao san road is the common haunt, and i've met already a couple from germany, a girl from amsterdam, one from sydney, two brits and a scot. its funny, i haven't actually spoken with any americans yet. i'm not sure why, but i think its that mentality that "hey, i didn't speak with you in america, why would i start now?" you know, the same thing happens when you see the people that you went to high school with that you never liked. "hey, guess what? i still don't like you!"

haha. later folks, expect great things from world traveler adam come february.

keepin it real in the land of a million thighs

adam

Thailand [2001-01-02 22:13:48] König Prüß, GfbAEV

If ye be on Thai turf,
look up Mark Prado
Space Exploration Done Dirt Cheap
Asteroid Mining a Speciality
http://www.permanent.com

konig konig konig [2001-01-02 23:21:42] buzz

konig, you krazy kraut!

i was all psyched that i had someone to lookup here in thailand. but Littlerock, Arkansas (where mark is from) is nowhere near bangkok. its in arkansas(http://www.permanent.com/copyrite.htm). haha. anyhoo. if mark, or anyone for that matter wants to employ moon and/or asteroid resources, they needn't go to arkansas. my buddy ezzi once revealed the secret (of which he now vehemently denies in his sobriety) that space travel and interplanetary commerce is not only possible but also currently occuring at an alarming rate. his theory was that asians are aliens. notice the similarity in the two words. ASIANS...ALIENS. do they not have tiny hands for working on their spaceships? do they not have smooth skin incapable of growing earthly beards? are their electronics not mind bogglingly complex? are their eyes not eerily similar to all of the alien abductee sketches?

all the answers of the universe is said to be waiting for us in a rice bowl in indochina...
for he who looks, my friend...

for he who looks...

Thai [2001-01-03 01:02:45] König Prüß, GfbAEV

Mark is FROM Ark.,
but he's in Thailand
married to a Thai.
He commutes a lot.

I am shocked and horrified. [2001-01-03 18:42:26] Herr. Prof. Peter Leiwis Swimm

1) People are doing a search for my name
2) They hit your site more often than mine because of it.

C'est le chapeau!

Hey, Buzz! [2001-01-03 21:24:44] König Prüß, GfbAEV

Try Meinhatdt (Thailand), Ltd.
Multinational, Multidisciplinary
Consulting Engineers
http://www.meinhardt.net/

Moraff's World [2001-04-13 16:50:25] Jim

Wow.

I never thought there could be more than one person looking for a game that MIGHT have been considered "high-tech" in the early '80s. Well, this is interesting and all but I guess I must be surfing on. Unless anyone has a copy of Moraff's Revenge I can download.

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