How Insane People Get Here, Part II
becoming the Log Lady
You know the drill. People online are looking for love and Christmas trees and bestiality pornography. They find thingsihate.org.
burn+porno
I hope this guy was looking for how to set pornography on fire, and not some hideous pornography genre featuring extensive skin grafts.
horrible+porno
HALF-CLOTHED WOMEN DRAWN IN MSPAINT! HOT HOT HOT!
Nude+Barmaid
sleepy+porn
sister+porno
pony+girls
lost+in+space+porn
sweaty+muscle+men
sweaty+nude+men
slutty+nurse
mom's+feet
naked+couple+on+beach
hot+naked+teachers
One world, united under porn. I wanted to make a joke about Lost in Space porn, but I have never actually seen the show. If you squint, this next line is a Lost in Space porn joke:
mnmnmnmn mnmn Dr. Smith nmnmn mnmn robot nmnmnmn, "You bubbleheaded booby!"
passed+out+drunk+naked
puke+drunk
drunk+naked+boys+-girls
drunk+naked+guys
Passed out drunk naked guys are vastly overrated.
rape+of+elven+women
fantasy+nude+elves
That reminds me. What is it with domination porn that engenders passive phrasing? You know, eight out of ten MC/NC stories will be titled "The Taking of Wanda" or "The Ordeal of Bernice." Is it the passive connotations or are the authors just trying to sound important?
Elves, on the other hand. I've finally figured it out. Drawing elf porn is how people rationalize child pornography. "No, no, she's not 12, she's an elf! See the ears?"
look+at+cartoons+having+sex
Yeah. That's about all you can say.
annna+porno
I'd like to officially deny all knowledge here.
nude+superheroes
naked+superheroes
We get a hell of a lot of hits for that.
Reason with me, folks. Most superheroes wear spandex and not much of it. How about you look at a picture of a regular naked person, then look at your comic books, and draw your own conclusions?
porno+for+everyone
I bet Communist porn has a lot of bearskin rugs in it.
To more wholesome territory:
clip+art+sauce+packets
cheese+sandwich+pic
dentist+clip+art
raw+chicken+clipart
Other than dentists, that's all food. Is food the only thing people need pictures of?
cylindrical+ice+cream+containers
Ooh, those are rare.
call+of+cthulhu+adventures
I thought I had an idea for a good Call of Cthulhu adventure, but I explained it to Joel at great length and he said it was less an idea for a campaign or even a short story and more a plan of action to follow the instant the Cthulhu Mythos turns out to be real.
I asked him yesterday if I'd told him my Lovecraftian ghoul idea. (I couldn't figure out if I'd told him or my sister.) At first he said I hadn't, but when I started to outline the plot he remembered.
"Please don't explain it to me again!" he begged.
Not too many people can drive around here, so if you're in my car you're likely to get the Cthulhu Mythos explained at you until you lose enough Sanity points to pass out or decide to throw yourself out the door.
Which is why I don't tell people beforehand how the seatbelts work.
change+a+fan+belt
Hey! I can do that! And Pop showed me how to tighten the windshield wipers t'other day, so I can do FOUR car things now.
jaun+valdez
I was going to blame Sean again for this one, but a search of the site reveals no reference to "jaun," let alone any Juans. You're off the hook, Sean!
big+dumb+guy+in+diaper
This might belong up with the porn, but I kind of hope it doesn't.
human+like+werewolves
This human do!
Vampire+Hunting+gear
Everyone remembers the garlic and the stakes and the flamethrower and the crucifix, but I have an even better idea.
First you figure out if the vampire is harmed by holy items. Don't drink anything while you're doing this, so you get kind of dehydrated. If it turns out that the vampire is repulsed or even - if you're lucky - harmed by relics, then you go over to a Catholic church and get a hell of a lot of holy water.
Wait a couple of days before you go out hunting. In those couple of days, drink the holy water. All of it.
If holiness in the real world works anything like it does in NetHack, you'll be able to grab the vampire in a bear hug and sizzle the flesh off his bones.
Wait. Actually, if holiness works like it does in NetHack, all that'd do would be to cure you if you had food poisoning. You'd better hope that things work kinda like they do in NetHack, but not entirely.
You can probably tell by checking if the vampire is a big V or not.
Waterproof+movie
DVDs, my friend. Or else let it dry a long time.
give+you+haircut+comb+scissors
Stuff like this is best read by Indeterminate Ethnic Theater:
Swarthy Guy: I GIVE YOU HAIRCUT! COMB? SCISSORS?
literary+tattoos
Maybe someone wants to look like Queequeg. Either that or they're getting covered in poetry in an effort to lure coffeehouse girls:
"Check it out, honey! Trout Fishing in America, all down my back! I've got 'Another Method of Making Walnut Catsup' on my inner thigh."
H.P.+Lovecraft+pathetic
I hope you live in Oregon, because I'd hate to have to gas up the car before I kick your ass.
sleeping+vampire
That's when you get 'em!
staking+vampires
Yes! With a stake!
It's probably best to open windows before you start; if the vampire wakes up, it won't be able to deal with the light. Also, you never know if you'll get the kind of vampire that turns to dust, the kind that gets paralyzed, or the kind that sprays everything and everyone with rotting blood before becoming a skeleton and/or exploding.
vampire+party
"Hey, guys, anyone want to go kill some vampires? There's a sixpack in it for you if you help me out."
And then everyone ends up watching Star Wars in some guy's rec room, sitting on towels to keep the vampire blood off the furniture.
zombies+bites
That's what you have to watch out for. It's no good having a hideout and a lot of food if someone gets bitten and you have to watch them slowly and inexorably become a zombie.
The instant I hear there are zombies on the loose, I'm putting on my thick vinyl jacket, gloves and boots. (I'll loot some thicker leather clothes in the coming days.) As long as the frequently-bitten areas have an extra layer or two, it'd be safe to just walk into a mob of zombies, waving a weapon or merely trying to pass through.
Everyone thinks about weapons, but nobody thinks about armor.
my+little+pony+or+porn+star
Oh, for crying out loud. How hard is it to find the Brunching Shuttlecocks?
Sometimes I worry that the system doesn't work.
I+HATE+MY+PROFESSOR
I+hate+hicks
i+hate+my+roommate
things+that+i+like+or+hate
i+hate+dumb+people
things+I+hate
hate+cops
things+that+kids+hate
hate+trees
i+hate+adam
i+hate+my+roommate
roommate+hate
dental+gas+hate
And then sometimes I don't.
sounds+from+10+things+I+hate+about+you
Then again, perhaps I should.