Rock of EVIL

Rock of EVIL was written and produced in, um, 1998? Autumn of 1998? Anyway, Webmaster Sean and I were given the assignment of producing a video that argued a point. Any point at all.

One of the other groups turned in a tape of one member's brother driving his 4x4 through the mud. Occasionally the cameraman was heard to say, "Fords RULE," or, "Oh, YEAH." It was truly a masterwork of forensics.

Sean and I (and the alleged third member of our group, who never showed up to the filming and didn't really help with any part of it) decided that we should spotlight that favorite topic of crazy fundamentalists, backwards masking. Actually, I think the decision process consisted of me gesturing wildly and quoting my shelf of insane Christian literature, Sean nodding occasionally and wondering when the bell would ring and our third group member trying not to make eye contact.

The movie was filmed more or less following the script, except that we only had two people so the Perfesser and Timmy weren't in the same shot. You can tell at what point in the production my little sister came home from school - suddenly, two people onscreen! And I either couldn't be arsed to download sound files or couldn't find any, so the middle part of the film was just Sean and my sister (playing Ann Expert) staring at the backwards record player playing "These Boots are Made for Walking" for minutes on end, saying nothing.

My father ended up stealing the show. After a semi-stop motion sequence of credits on a whiteboard, he appeared as Satan. Imperially slim, dressed in black, horned and painted red, his avuncular delivery of the closing speech did more for Satan than any other work in the last few hundred years, Milton and Alice Cooper included. Plus, he made the backwards record player. Hey, if you're still reading this paragraph instead of skipping to the script, why doncha bid on some of his auctions?


[written on blackboard/write and wipe board]

ROCK OF EVIL

[boring office/outdoors]


PERFESSER: Rock and/or roll. Teens today eat, breathe and sleep it. Is it causing them lasting harm, or is it fun as innocent as the Charleston, the Lindy Hop, or the Macarena? What you're about to see here may [pause] disturb you. This information has long been suppressed, but now it can be told. Every man, woman and mutant shall know the full truth about rock music...the ROCK OF EVIL! [a closeup would be nice, with a weird expression on his face.]

TIMMY: But, Professor, my music's not tainted with evil! I listen to Boys II Men and they've never said ANYTHING about sacrificing the innocent on the dark altar of Baal.

PERFESSER: Ah, Timmy, were it only so simple. Rock music is a dangerous game and the players don't show you all the card they're holding. The deck is stacked with decadent lifestyles, corrupt morals, loose women and backwards masking.

TIMMY: Backwards masking? What's that?

PERFESSER: That's a very good question, Timmy. Backwards masking is the single most insidious mind control tool used by the secular recording industry. By dubbing subliminal messages into even the most innocent-sounding songs, they'll erode your moral values into those of a berserk dope-sniffing sex fiend.

TIMMY: How does it work?

PERFESSER: Well, say I said to you, "Timmy, kill your dog for Satan." You'd automatically reject that statement as being against your moral values, that is, I hope you would. [laughs artificially] But if I said "Timmy, Nah-TAS rohf GOD roy LICK," you wouldn't understand me consciously and your subconscious mind would pay special attention to that phrase.

TIMMY: But it's still backwards!

PERFESSER: Timmy, whenever you look at anything, your eye, due to the lenses involved, sees it as upside down. To make sense of this image, the brain turns what you see right side up again. Now, do you think the ear is any different?

TIMMY: Gosh, no. This is spooky. How can I be sure what I'm really listening to?

PERFESSER: Well, let me show you. [plays Nancy Sinatra record backwards on Pop's backwards stereo]

TIMMY: YOW! That's pretty spooky-sounding, but how can we tell what she's saying without moving the stylus back and forth a lot and possibly ruining that record, which belongs to my sister?

PERFESSER: With the help of a personal computer, mankind's best weapon against the Devil.

[establishing shot of computer]

PERFESSER [v.o.]: Yes, with the advent of Technology, we can catch Satan at his little games. [etc. Play .au files stolen from that webpage]
[note: during the computer scenes, TIMMY has mysteriously disappeared and the PERFESSER is addressing the audience.]

PERFESSER: [after the demo] Now you see why rock and roll music is so dangerous. Teens around the world must be warned to the terrible price they're paying for music...their free mind. Is your life founded on a rock...of EVIL?

[pause, show credits]

ANYONE: And now, in the spirit of fair play, a rebuttal.

[SATAN in rocking chair w/afghan? Lemonade?]

SATAN: Hi, I'm Satan, Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies. You've probably heard of me before through my many public outreach programs such as the movie industry, television, action figures and rock and roll music. It's that last one I'd like to speak to you about. I'd like to take a moment to give you my side of the story.

It's not easy getting my message of hedonism and debauchery across these days. Back in the '70s all I had to do was to get a kid into D+D and pretty soon he'd be stark naked on the freeway, waving an antique Civil War sword, lookin' to kill himself a Honda. Nowadays, kids are way more jaded. Heck, you know that creepy Marilyn Manson? He's not even working for me. Man, what a freak.

You can't blame me for putting my messages in rock and roll music. How else am I gonna get through to the kids? And it's no picnic, either. Some days I get summoned to five, six different recording studios and sing backwards on dozens of crappy albums. It's not that I mind rocketing through the ether and manifesting myself in the still warm body of a freshly-slaughtered virgin, it's just, well, who wants to see those kids from Hanson naked and ceremonially chanting? I just hope Jethro Tull doesn't get back together.

So, you see, it's no fun being the Devil. Work, work, work, and at the end of a hard day, nobody cares! You all think I'm some kind of bad guy. I get blamed for everything. Hey, it wasn't me who gave Man free will. It wasn't my idea! I get no sympathy, well, except for that Jagger boy. He's so thoughtful. [look at watch] Well, it's about time for my session with Mariah Carey. Good bye, or as we say in the business, eyb dooG.

It occurred to me to mention a tip to any of you who might still be in a situation where you're assigned group projects, particularly in the form of skits or videos.

After the first meeting, during which nothing will be decided, go back to your dwelling and write a script that satisfies the project requirements. Make sure it has parts more or less appropriate for each member (several people who just stand around or hold things, one guy who gets to yell a lot, a girl in a nice dress). Include zombies, H.P. Lovecraft, Devo references as you see fit, but don't overdo it. Print several copies.

The next time you meet, mention that you have a script. "I know we didn't decide on what the skit would be about yet, but I have this script we could use. [pass out copies] Of course, we could always meet after school and write another one."

Nineteen times out of twenty, they'll use your script. This will reduce the amount of time you'll have to tolerate the group's endless negotiations. You'll also be able to use the natives' awe and fear of printed matter and refuse to make revisions, rendering a group of squares and jocks your puppets, to converse about aliens and robots as is your power-mad whim.

If your group project isn't a skit or video, however, you're pretty much doomed to do all the work again but with no reward. Get used to that, kids.