By: Scott Kinkade [2001-03-02]

Am I Whining?

And don't even get me started on the blue laws.

A while back I lived in North Carolina, and some friends of mine,I'll call them Griff and Presto, lived on the water in a fabulous place that we called "The Big House." One summer we decided to take advantage of their locale by hosting a weekly affair on Sunday mornings: The Big House Brunch.

On my way over to the second or third of these, I called ahead to Griff to see if I should pick anything up. He said that they were pretty much set, except if I wanted I could pick up some champagne so he could make Mimosas -- champagne and orange juice. Oh, and could I also get some orange juice.

I stopped at Winn Dixie, and within minutes my red hand basket (I don't own one...they had a stack of them at the door) was filled with champagne, orange juice, and some other breakfast stuff like donuts and muffins that I wouldn't have gotten for myself, but which seemed like a good idea for the Big House Brunch.

Sunday mornings are slow at Winn Dixie, even by North Carolina standards, so I walked right up to the register with my basket. Well really, as I said, it was their basket. As she passed my items over the scanner, the cashier set aside my champagne and casually remarked that she couldn't sell it to me. Expecting a joke about legal age or something, I smiled and asked why not. She said: "It's not noon yet."

You see, North Carolina has these "blue laws" about where and when you can buy alcohol. I checked my watch, and it said 11:58. No problem. I told her to just go ahead and ring everything else up, and I would stand there and wait (her machine literally would not scan alcohol until noon.) There was nobody behind me, so this seemed like a reasonable solution.

Then she said: "But that's 10 minutes!"

"No, it's only two minutes. It's 11:58." I showed her my watch.

She tapped her computer screen. "It's 11:50."

Now, I must tell you that at the time, I had a job that required me to keep accurate time. Just days earlier I had set my watch, as was the practice among my colleagues, according to the atomic clock at the US Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C. Unfortunately, you cannot throw around casual mention of atomic clocks and observatories without sounding like a huge geek, so I looked around for some other clock or watch to corroborate my version of the correct time. Just then the manager, walking by and perhaps sensing the conflict taking place, tapped his watch and said loudly: "Ten minutes, ladies."

Unbelievable! I looked past him at the only other source of time in sight: the clock on the wall above the deli counter. 11:50. Every single clock in this whole stinking place was off. Now you might assume, and I can't blame you, that the store was right, and that I was in fact wrong. But let me say that later, I checked my time against several other highly reliable sources, and it was indeed correct.

We had orange juice instead of mimosa that day.

What gets me is not that the cashier had the incorrect time, or even that the cashier AND the manager had the incorrect time. What really boiled me was that these people, who had time constraints so important to them that they programmed their computers to reject certain products before noon; who probably had alarms that automatically armed at certain times; who probably had customers waiting at their doors in the mornings waiting to get in immediately after opening time; these people couldn't even find an accurate source of time to calibrate the running of all these things and others. They probably set the clock on their computer according to the wristwatch on the arm of whatever deputy-assistant manager happened to be standing there when they booted the thing up. They then used that as the ultimate reference from then on.

And don't even get me started on the blue laws.
Time [2001-03-01 23:13:44] König Prüß, GfbAEV
I've not noticed clocks
set deliberately 10 min
slow, but being in the
habit of sittin' at the
bar at closing time, I've
noticed that a lot of bars
set the clock 10 min fast
so's to have time for
"last call." Maybe it's
the other way 'round for
"first call for alcohol."
But trying to hurry Southerners
is a Lost Cause, the more you
rush them, the slower they go.
I don't think that it's passive
aggression, just that hurrying
seems to offend their sense of
propriety, decorum, and gentility.
You got to be slower than molasses
in January with the pellagra.
guiness for the soul [2001-03-02 23:00:31] buzz
speaking of drinking...

the great worldwide guiness toast was last friday. at 11:00 i think. maybe 12. i don't know. i almost got suckered into going to one. i could understand if it was free guiness that night, or something, maybe it woulda been worthwhile. but paying for your own guiness just so you and a million other assholes could gain some sort of recognition seems kinda lame to me. guiness toast! yay. big f-n whoop. what is a toast anyhow? i'm sure its a custom the damn frenchies brought into the country. the only toast i like is when old farts get up during a wedding reception and give a toast like:

"this is to our wives and lovers...

may they never meet."

cliff clavens (from cheers) theory on drinking:

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: "Well ya see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."

"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

thats all folks...

by the way, check out the canonical list of weird band names:

http://www.geminiweb.net/bandnames/

later gators.
-buzz
Wooly Bison [2001-03-03 05:50:35] König Prüß, GfbAEV
I think that the Neanders
used to hunt the Great Wooly
Bison by stampeding them off
a cliff. In that case, all the
faster/smarter Wooly Bison
would fall off the cliff,
and then the slower/dumber
Bisons would see what's up
and say, "Whoa! Don't go
there, girlfriend!" And they'd
stop. But so over the years,
the Wooly Bison herds got
slower and dumber thru natural
attrition, and the Neanders
got slower and dumber from
eating them, that was
the norm, and they finally got
so stoopit and slow that
the last Great Wooly Bison
fell off the cliff and
and landed on the last Neander
resulting in simultaneous
extinction at the same time.
Man I would hate that [2001-03-03 10:53:20] Sean
God knows I hate it when I can't get alcohol before noon. I probably wouldn't have been as calm as you were.

Haha, just kidding. I tried mimosa for the first time when I was in Reno recently.. we went to some champagne buffet brunch there. I don't like champagne -- or wine -- but decided to try it with orange juice. It wasn't nearly as bad as it is on its own, but still had a detectable icky taste in it.
Red Bull. [2007-11-16 05:43:32] Magnanimous
I think RedBull tastes similar to champagne-with a little saki added for good measure. By the way, that "detectable icky taste" of which Sean spoke is what is commonly referred to in some circles as a "whang". If I were Griff, I think I'd have been crestfallen upon realizing that the authors righteous indignation over the time discrepancy had so angered him that upon principal he'd decided that another ten minutes was too long to wait...In fact, I think I may have even been a tad bitter, having anticipated the arrival of the mimosa ingredients...It would certainly have put a pall on the afternoon. I personally think the whole concept is suspect-champagne brunch? Little early, no? Where I work they have one of those Big Brother time clocks-the ones that read your palm print or whomever's or whatever's palm print you use whenever the plant manager initially sets up your "account", for lack of a better word (You could use a mannequine hand if you wished so that if you were running late, some other employee could presumably clock you in with the mannequine hand) Anyhowzer, the plant manager touts this thing as being the greatest thing since canned beer, so steadfastly accurate and technologically advanced...in actuality it gains roughly one half minute per day and he typically allows it to get about twelve minutes ahead of the rest of the world (with the exception of winn-dixie) before he sets it to the time on his treo, in spite of the increasing complaints of nearly every employee.
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