By: König Prüß, GfbAEV
[2001-03-05]
Spies, the Flag, Mom & Apple Pie
My last piece about a bad but salvageable batch of fudge was not nearly hateful enough.
My last
piece about a bad but salvageable batch of fudge was not nearly hateful
enough, except that I hate when that happens. Two recent developments
on the local front are entirely odious and worth a rabid rant, would
that I am worthy to rise to the occasion. The two items being, to wit:
The Virginia State Legislature is debating and voting on whether the
Pledge of Allegiance should or ought to be mandatory in public schools,
and what, if any, penalties there will be for non-compliance; and they
have caught Secret Agent Ram�n!
The Secret Agent Ram�n
incident seems to have made international news, it is being carried by
BBC, Deutsche Welle, and the Italian News, and President Dubya hisself
has made a pronouncement on national teevee regarding the National
Security ramifications of traitorous civil servants. The double-naught
cloak†spy-catching business is endemic to this here county as both the
CIA's Langley HQ and the Eff Bee Eye's Quantico Training Center are
here. Agent Ram�n was not a proper spy, in my opinion, because he was
an Eff Bee and not a See Eye Ya! The Eff Bee's proper purview is the
counter-spy biz, and Secret Agent Ram�n had been feeding
counter-intelligence info back to the Rooskies for 15 years and got
paid .5 mil, as well as a stash of diamonds. He was five weeks short of
retirement, so he nearly made his getaway. One thing that doesn't ring
true about the Agent Ram�n incident is that he's stated that he'd
wanted to be a double agent ever since he was a little kid. So, was he
or not?
I have a friend who worked for Air Force Office of
Special Investigations, and he used to follow Russian KGB guys around
here. There are many "spies" here, often attached to embassy service so
that when and if they get caught, the most that can legally be done is
to ask them to leave because they have diplomatic immunity. My OSI
friend told me that one spy's signal for a drop was to leave a can of
orange soda on a bridge railing. One drop method was to stage a minor
bumper-tap in rush-hour traffic, then the drivers would appear to be
exchanging insurance info when in reality they were trading Top Secret
spy stuff.
From what I understand, these kinds of operative
shenanigans constitute only a small percentage of information
gathering; 80% is like library, news, and that kind of dry research,
some is industrial, business, and trade-fair spying. But occasionally,
there is someone like Aldrich Ames, another local spy who got caught. I
would bet that for each spy that gets caught, there are at least ten
more who continue to work in obscurity.
Now, why do I have a
problem with this damned mandatory flag-salutin' and
allegiance-pledging? It's because people should WANT to do that; if
people DON'T want to salute the flag, the government has a damned
problem, and not one that can be fixed by legislatin' mandatory flag
salutin' and allegiance pledgin'. Land of the Free, right? Same with
religious freedom, it means freedom to, and also freedom FROM being
coerced, jaw-boned, or mandated to pray. I am reminded of the famous
quote by Lt. Frank Burns on the M.A.S.H. teevee series, "We must all
conform in order to preserve our freedom." I sincerely believe that
anyone who doesn't see the fallacy in that line of thinking indeed does
not deserve freedom, a library card, nor the benefit of Last Rites.
The mandatory flag-salutin'
&allegiance pledgin' bill
did not pass; it got voted
down, no reason necessary
for non-compliance, and no
penalty. Secret Agent Ramón
has not been officially
indicted nor charged with
any specifics, they're still
trying to cipher out what-all
exactly he did, and whether
he had confederates. He is
being held lest he flee the
scene of the crime. It has
come to light that he revealed
to the Rooskies the existence
of a tunnel under the Russian
Embassy in Washington which
constitutes a flagrant violation
of national sovreignity by treaty
and under international law.
Secret Agent Ramón could be
executed for treason, although
that is seldom the remedy
except during war.
Curiouser&curiouser...
I don't really want to salute the flag 'cause it's, you know, a piece of cloth, and there isn't even anything funny about it. Also, putting your hand on your heart is one step away from arm bands.. my complaint there isn't that we're headed in the wrong direction, it's that we're doing things half-assed. i want my arm band, damn it.
I was suspended in high school... a lot. A couple of times for fighting, once for cursing rather luridly in front of a teacher, once for wearing a Pink Floyd shirt, and three times for not standing during the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem.
The principal found it odd that I, the child of a military man, would have such disrespect for Our Grand Country. I shrugged. It wasn't so much 'disrespect' as it was 'disinterest.' For some reason, I equated the Pledge and the National Anthem with having some sort of interest in furthering the national goals, whatever they are. The principal snorted and suspended me for three days. The offense listed in my high-school criminal record: "insubordination." I could go on about how peculiar I still find his choice of words, but perhaps later.
A note about the National Anthem... I think it should be changed. Perhaps to something a little more militaristic and uplifting. Commissioning Laibach to write it would be a good start. And where do I stand in line for my jack-boots and armband?
There is evidently some
controversy yet as to
whether or not Betsy Ross
sewed the first US flag.
I like armbands, too!
The American flag with
the snake and the motto:
"Don't Tread on Me" was
pretty good. Maybe they
could have a flag with
a burning bag of dog crap
that sez:
"Don't Stomp on Me!"
How to Make a Five-Point
Star with One Snip:
www.ushistory.org/betsy/flagstar.html
You know, the flag's current design is not very good. Not very pleasing to the eye. But it would make a very good arm band... Stars and strips facing right out from the shoulder.
The "don't tread on me" flag was better 'cause it had a scary snake. That'd have made a good arm band too.
I think maybe mandatory hats would be good too. Pirate hats.
the best thing about the Don't Tread On Me graphic is the creepiness that any low-budget engraving from those days has... I think artists were still figuring out stuff like perspective and shadow, too. almost otherworldly.
the US flag defies many laws of design. it has nothing approaching symmetry and was obviously designed by exactly the sort of person who makes a good stereotypical patriot - witness the hard lines that don't flow into each other, lack of curves, etc...
as for the armbands, I don't like accessories that you can't forget you're wearing. it would ride up on me or something.
Oh come on... Surely there could be a way to attach an armband to ones shirt so that it wouldn't ride up. Perhaps we could all be issued nice crisply-starched button-down shirts, with epaulets. Yes! Epaulets! And rather than armbands, we could get those nifty sleeve-cover-type things, I'm sure there's a name for them. You know, the ones that have a little loop that you thread the flap of the epaulet through...
I'm having delusions of a police stated again. Perhaps it's time to stop reading NSK propaganda at work...
I can't type. Well, at least not tonight. Should have been "police state," sans "d."
I also forgot the bit about the pirate hats... Would they be the large, feathered, foppish Captain Hook kind, or the sideways Napoleon kind with the embroidered skull and crossbones? I'm not sure which I like better.
you're missing the point entirely. NSK use military stuff as a parody, because they lived under a police state and didn't much care for it. if you actually read their stuff you'll find that they want to extend their existance as an art collective into an artistic nation that transcends the boundaries of other nations, not start a regime with dogma and police and badstuff.
Honestly, I think "parody" is not the word. It implies a sort of light-hearted-ness that the NSK, well, just doesn't have. Maybe "satirical" would be better?
And yes, I'm aware of the free-state desires of the NSK. After all, both Scotland and Northern Ireland are members.
It's just... for some reason, whenever my brain shifts into militaristic mode, and goes off on a police-state tangent, one of the first lightbulbs to light up is either the one labelled Fa-Lun Gong, which has nothing to do with either the military or a secret police force... or the one labelled NSK, which has both something and nothing to do with the military.
Hmm. Damnit. I've confused myself again.
Just as a side note, one of the Scotland-based NSK websites I found by accident and read long long ago had a mailing address, with the comment "send self-addressed stamped envelope to recieve propaganda and a colour catalogue via post." More parody, I'm sure.
I haven't seen an Official
"subversives lis" for some
time--the last one that I
saw was six legal-sized
pages with three columns
of fine print; hundreds
of organizations and groups
that were thought to be a
threat in some way.
A friend pointed out to
me that the Socialist
Worker's Party, a Left
group was on the list,
the National Socialist
Worker's Party, a Right
group was on the list,
and the National Association
of Social Workers, a professional
organization was on the subversives
list; anything with "Social"
is dangerous!
Both kinds of pirate hats
are good! I think that the
skull&bones one is for
everyday, and the triangular
one with the feather is
for more formal.
Or maybe there could be the same sort of heirarchy of pirate hats that exists in the Catholic church. By this I mean, the more important your position, the bigger, more ornate and generally sillier your hat is. What a priviledge!
After giving it some thought, I think the bandanna-tied-round-the-noggin approach is probably best for everyday wear. See, a bandanna fits close to the skull and wouldn't interfere with activities like walking through a door, the way the sideways-Napoleon sort of hat would. Of course, the bandanna would have to have some sort of piratical motif to it. Maybe a small, all-over print of little skulls-and-crossbones?
Arr, matey, arr. Correct ye arr about them scurvy socialists, or social workers, or whatever they be called. Arr. Dangerous lot, they.
...speaking in a pirate fashion is entirely too much fun, even if it is only by text.
I was looking at some of the S. Clay Wilson
comic book artwork Pirates, they *are* fun!
well, you gotta love NSK/Laibach for any & all reasons. predicting the fall of the Soviet Union, combining bad Eastern European pop with the national anthem of whatever country it's from, Queen-based wackiness, creepy-ass posters with a recruitment aesthetic... ah.
but, they still can't beat pirates. ye mutinous dogs!
And don't forget about the creepy, eerie covers of "Sympathy for the Devil" by Laibach. The one with the female vocals, especially. If you've never heard it, I think it's called the "Who Killed the Kennedies" remix. Very good.
I dunno who did that,
but I'd like to know
who let the frogs out?
