By: Annna
[2001-05-21]
How Insane People Get Here, Part III
fun with search engines
As you know, we get the weirdest referrals. I know we shamelessly encourage some of them -
nude superheroes naked superheroes Croatian hardcore pornography - but that's basically because, well, who doesn't want to mess with lunatic pornophiles? Anyway, here's the scoop on recent weirdness:
train+engineer+hat
Ha ha! You poor thing! I know
which article you had to read!
candy+that+no+one+likes
Isn't that a 10,000 Maniacs
song?
(In 8th grade, some record company in league with the book-selling company sent singles to my English teacher with suggestions on lesson plans based on popular music, which was odd because they weren't
popular songs. Ha ha! We spent an entire class talking about this and some goddamn Jackson Browne song. It was weird.)
quivering+quim
steven+spielberg+iranian
I've forgotten where you said 'em, but King of Prussia, this two are all your fault.
looking+dead+for+halloween
The secret: white eyeshadow. No lie. That and white foundation, natch, and use blue eyeshadow kinda like you'd usually use blush.
ramen+macaroni+and+cheese
Oh, thank God you reminded me. Kids, if you ever see Maruchan macaroni and cheese in a Styrofoam cup, looking like it belongs to their line of cup noodles,
do not purchase and/or consume it. Really. It's like all the bad features of cup noodles and macaroni and cheese combined; all inappropriate spices, greasy fake cheese and enough salt to kill a jumpslug. It's enough to put you off both ramen
and mac and cheese for a month, and if that's all you're eating, that's a bad place to be.
Oh, also before I forget, Mom told me to tell you not to drink antifreeze. Just covering all my bases.
annna+log+lady+hi
annna+is+stupid
annna+rpg
annna+truwe
annna+stakes+vampires
annna+ohura+tits
annna+fucking
Things+hate+DM+lovecraft+zombies
debbie+curse+yig
brain+annna
Yikes. You know, I b'lieve some of those are
no accident.
The
Debbie and the Curse of Yig search is pretty flattering, though. If there's one thing I can't draw, it's humans, and if there's one thing I
really can't draw, it's humanoid snakes.
how+to+meet+a+girl+from+your+apartment
Call it a hunch, but if she lives in your apartment, it's only a matter of time.
apartment+wrestling
I'm only in the quad class, but if I keep going to the gym I'll be wrestling studios by December!
things+to+do+before
...you unplug the keyboard?
castor+beans
purchase+castor+beans
Uh-oh! Someone's makin' a
Bulgarian brolly!
A lot of people have a really shaky grasp on how search engines work, and tend to enter bizarre sentence fragments:
I+was+completely+naked+they+were+clothed
PLEASE CONTINUE.
he+looks+like+a+girl
THAT IS QUITE INTERESTING.
I+wear+my+mom's+high+heels
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
i+want+to+watch+a+woman+masturbate+in+front+of+me
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU WERE COMPLETELY NAKED THEY WERE CLOTHED?
theres+a+guy+in+my+scissor+hold
DOES THAT REASON EXPLAIN ANYTHING ELSE?
I+don't+like+Call+of+Cthulhu
Ooh, them's fighting words - I mean, WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT I DON'T LIKE CALL OF CTHULHU?
i+grew+breasts
DOES IT PLEASE YOU TO THINK YOU GREW BREASTS?
i+stuff+my+bra+so+i+have+huge+breasts
IS THAT THE REAL REASON?
put+your+pretty+legs+around+my+neck
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU - NOT ME.
I+blew+up+my+car+kerosene
I AM SORRY TO HEAR YOU BLEW UP YOUR CAR KEROSENE.
i+have+a+secret+admirer
DOES IT PLEASE YOU TO BELIEVE YOU HAVE A SECRET ADMIRER?
i+was+drunk+and+naked
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DRUNK AND NAKED?
i+saw+a+blue+heron+today
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.
i+like+to+show+my+knickers+at+school
DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT YOU GREW BREASTS?
Then again, there are the people asking questions and looking for answers:
how+to+play+sim+city
what+is+the+name+of+the+plastic+piece+on+a+bra+strap
how+does+an+electric+kettle+work
how+hot-wire+car
who+is+Bob+Dole+please
I know that one! Bob Dole
owns a store full of pay telephones.
The+Pay+Telephones+/+Meet+Bob+Dole
Whoa. Someone was actually looking for that one.
how+do+I+climb+on+a+roof+safely
Where+can+I+find+magazines+that+have+beach+decoration
what+triggers+vengeance
harmless+pranks+for+school+to+do+on+jocks
Yes,
kill them all.
what+is+copraphelia
Oh, you poor, innocent thing. UNPLUG THE COMPUTER NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
do+you+know+a+rock+band+named+bellini
how+to+hypnotize+a+sleeping+person
shoving+stuff+up+their+anus
Hey, you answered your own question!
what+do+you+mean+by+tripple+++x
PORN, SWEET PORN! OBSERVE:
latex+nuns+outfit
castration+dungeon
growing+giant+girls
my+little+pony+or+porn+star
Roommate+hidden+sex
bestiality+-free+-amateur
Ooh,
someone has exacting standards. None of this amateur animal pornography for
him!
albinos+chick+picture+sex
You know,
Spider was looking for a picture of an albino for her RPG character.
(Yeah, I know. Nothing says "I'd Rather Be Playing Rifts" like an albino PC, unless it's a
Callous Albino with Intolerances. In her defense, I think it was her first experience with point-based character creation.)
Anyway, there are maybe five decent pictures of albinos online. I beg you: if you are an albino, please take a few pictures of yourself holding a knife or looking like you're going to cast a spell and scan them in. Geeks everywhere will print you out and clip you to their character sheets.
chastity+belts+for+little+children
mouthfuls+of+cum
zombie+xxx
Whoa.
If you really loved me, you'd let me eat your brain.
I found this heliophobe cult when I was searching Poppy Z. Brite stuff. Maybe some of their photos will suit Spider's purpose.
http://www.hotweird.com/heliophobe/
maybe they were looking for Brunching Shuttlecocks (which has been sadly lacking in reviews of unpleasant/foreign confenctionary lately).
lots of people seem to have trouble finding it and end up here.
I would continue speaking with you about "I was completely naked and they were clothed" but I was not assured that the conversation would be kept in strict confidence and that memory contents would be wiped afterward.
Hooray for Dr. Sbaitso! It is a nostalgic trip down memory lane. We drive the wrong way on the Information Superhighway until it is an abandoned logging road! We don't remember that we are frightened of squirrels.
It was just Bob Dylan's birthday, and today is mine! Viva yo! I'm singing one of my favorite Dylan songs, "The Mighty Quim"
Happy birthday indeed!
Thanks, Jonas. It's yet another excuse to get drunk! One good thing that happened today was I ran into a guy who had a kayak on top of his SUV, and his license plate said "KAYAK" So, it was a sooper looking kayak and we started talking about kayaks. It was a "Dagger" kayak, so when I got back to the ranch, I was checking some of them out online. One time there was a mudslide on the train tracks and I got stuck on the Canadian National train right next to the Frazier River on the way into Van from Montreal, the train guys were nice and threw a two-day party while we were waiting to get the tracks fixed. So anyway, there's lots of kayak whitewater up north, eh? I think that I saw Mike Meyers on TV the other night, he was bummed because the Maple Leafs lost again or something; I think that New Jersey beat them. One hockey game I played in, this one guy would put his stick by the goal and stand there, then the other guy would skate in with the puck and fake-out the goalie and shoot but bank it off his buddy's stick. The goalie couldn't block it because either way, there was a clear shot!
One good present that I got was a kind of a back pack/water bag for biking that holds a half-gallon. My friend was telling me about all the bad stuff that happens when one gets dehydrated, so they got this Bell Equipment water pack. I guess that I could fill it with ice to keep cool, too. The biggest hazard when we're suited-up doing chemical work is hyperthermia; there are some air-conditioned suits. It's not good to just chill certain parts, but sometimes we do anyway, like kidneys. Our safety officer says that gatorade concentrate will burn a hole in your stomach, and that even regular gatorade should be drunk with an equal amount of water. Salt tabs will hurt your belly, too. I'm not a big fan of gatorade, I'd rather drink antifreeze!
on the cusp of Gemini, eh? happy birthday!
I miss Dr. Sbaitso, and all the other shareware that came with 8-bit SB. Ad-lib music, too. one of my all-time fav. midi compositions is the dance of the elder spirits from Quest for Camelot.
I try to mainly drink water for refreshment, with coffee and booze for enjoyment. maybe a lil tea or cocoa. I've had a great distrust of high-tech beverages (soda, sport drinks, bottled iced tea, basically anything with corn syrup and/or citric acid in it) for a while. I'm a lot thinner and less sickly since I ended my 2 x 20oz bottles of 7-up a day habit.
There are a lot of Soundfonts online. I got to get that Cakewalk dealie, or a least the best version of Soundblaster. With the Fractal Music thing, it's got Slap Bass, Overdriven Guitar and some movie soundtrack stuff that sounds suspenseful, dramatic, or like the shark attack in "Jaws" The Guitar Center has a couple of CD's of sound samples and drum stuff. I collected some guitar loops. There's a good midi and tab for "42nd Street" in A minor for guitar, kind of finger-picked, it sounds both jazz and ragtime, I bet I could make a couple of hundred bucks a day playing that tune in the subway.
What do you do for a living, König? It sounds mighty adventerous...
I would have made more progress if I'd stayed with one career, but sometimes having several is an advantage. Consultant is the vaguest job title. I worked in Portland a market research company. I was a knife sharpener for a year, saws, too. Mostly as a surveyor. A lot as a site engineer for general contractors. I'm a member of the Steamfitter's Union (from the shipyards), and Local #3 Operating Engineers (surveying in California). One job that I saw that looked interesting, as I've built several shopping centers, was listed in the Engineering News Record: Super for three simultaneous shopping centers in the Portland area, salary: 500k. I worked on FidoNet in the early 90's just before the Internet went public. There are a lot of environmental sites covered by the Superfund, military sites that are being closed and need clean-up. We worked at the Army's largest nuke storage facility in upstate New York, they have a "Q" Area, anyone in there, SOS(shoot on sight). I like surveying, it's peaceful, usually.
There are a couple of companies that are work per contract like Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technology, and UXB. De-mining is trendy,
both Princess Di and Paul the Beatle like it! More than 20,000 people have been killed in Viet Nam after the war from left-over bad stuff.
Also, HazMat. Basically, I'm a grifter,a busker, and a pearlyman.
http://www.uxb.com
I think that's the kind of profesional life I want to have. Right now, my five- and ten-year plans call for me to be a library technician and English teacher, I'll see how those pan out. But yeah, general adventure, unexpectedness, and variety do appeal to me. And, according to almost any cultural study, so too do those things appeal to my whole generation -- can I get some verification on that? Can I get a what what?
How Insanse People Get Here
I just followed a link about the Immortality Rings from Drew's website. I don't remember how I found Drew's site. Probably a link to the Lego Porn. Oops, should've take then fifth.
One friend of mine has a Ph. D. in Political Science and his wife has a Ph. D. in Library Science. The Library of Congress is getting all computerized and their website is slowly getting better. My degree is in International Development, but I decided that the Peace Corp and the relief junk stinks! I want to build cities; cheap houses and custom houses and sooper hiways! Also, now I'm interested in nanotech stuff, and I'm deficient in chemistry and physics. There is a method of storing data on an atom shell, using quantum pulses, the atom can "remember" so that it is possible to store the entire Library of Congress on one atom! One thing that I'd like to do is where there are poor starving people, is to fly over in a C-5 cargo plane and drop a cateriller, a jeep, water pumps, generators, and packeged houses. Information is doubling every year and a half now, or is it every ten months, I forget. But something like information technology or library science would seem to be vitally important. I'd thought that a development data base would be a good thing to know how to manage.
I know a little Oracle and Dbase. The Club of Rome website is good; we had a bunch of crap about the Club of Rome World Model in international development management class.
http://www.clubofrome.org/
ever work in the Philly or NY shipyards? many years ago, my dad was a machinist.
My buddy, Butch from Maple Shade worked for the NY Shipbuilding Co. in Trenton, I think, for a while. Virginia has some big shipyards, but I worked in the shipyards in Vancouver, Washington, across the river from Portland. Portland is about 60 miles from the ocean, but big Navy ships and Onassis' freighters sail up the river OK.
I know NY Ship is somewhere in North Jersey.
I've had the urge to watch the movie Skullduggery for a day or two now, and I think it's related to this article and the followup conversations... you folks are reminding me of some old friends who used to quote it a lot.
NY Shipbuilding has a yard near Philly, they built the Glomar Explorer
ultra-deep sub there, but mostly they cut up ships for scrap. I'll look for Skullduggery. There was a movie with the IRA, the Boston Bomb Squad, Tommy Lee Jones as a bad guy maybe, soundtrack by U2; it had some good explosions and some creepy shipyard scenes with U2 playing.
Skullduggery actually has little to do with the topic at hand, it was just a mood thing. it's a low-budget horror flick about gamers.
Dad has many stories about shipyard workers, and a great dislike of the military due to the number of sailors and marines he was exposed to.
I noticed Jonas mentioned how he got here, and the previous article had a discussion of 151-proof rum. appropriate, as I found this site searching for eggnog recipes, and ended up not only submitting Retail Horrors, but also buying store nog instead of doing the effort thing. the store nog got a large dose of 151, and was so heavy and alcoholic that nobody could handle more than a cup.
That thing about storing the entire Library of Congress on one atom is interesting, but altogether useless. There's this man who's trying to save books and periodicals from being destroyed by librarians, as they microfiche them all in order to save space. Last I heard, the amount of information we have doubles every year or thereabouts; one newspaper holds more information than your average 16-century dude knew in a lifetime -- so why hasn't our knowledge increased concurrently? What bloody good is knowing that we can isolate the "fat gene" and stuff ourselves stupid? What's the goddamned point? None! For god's sake, I'm not even 21 yet, and I feel I understand things more than anybody in any de facto position of authority -- at least my memory seems to reach back further than last week. What good is a map of the human genome if we don't where we're going? Why is cloning even an issue? What reason did we have to pursue it in the first place?? Does anybody understand what I'm saying?
If I said any of this to my friends: most would not care. They're the ones who don't vote -- not because they're making a stand, but because they don't even know when an election is being held, much less who's running or what for. Others would say, "Yeah, but what can you do?" Currently, nothing. Nothing directly anyway. And how many of you stopped reading, saying, "So what?" But now I'm just getting worked up, cos other things are starting to invade my train of thought, unrelated detrimental things.
Basically, I feel the need to say this: "Fuck, I don't even know what I'm trying to say." Do I just feel unjustifiably powerless, or do you all just think I'm thinking too hard about things that ultimately won't move one way or the other?
Well fine. Hang the sense of it. I heard an axiom once that involved humanity and sympathy, but I don't remember what it was. Why do I, some suburban kid who's going to the mall tomorrow to buy his NOFX ticket, feel like the forgotten father of the most unruly children in the universe? I feel like God. Does anybody else feel like this? Or do you just have a more positive/indifferent view of life?
If anybody wants me to stop doing that, just tell me. Or would e-mailing them in as posts be more appropriate?
I think it's the same frustration anyone experiences, who's a bit more thoughtful than the average schmo. we want to think, but we're not quite sure how.
If it:
1. is longer than a page (flexible)
2. has some kind of point and/or structure
then send it on in. Lord knows we likes us the submissions, especially the almost-coherent ones.
There was a beer place in Gastown not far from our theater co-operative called, "The Oom-pah!" because they had tubas. Being a young kid these is maybe harder, but the toys are better! I'd like to have an atomic memory library, a portable reader with audio/vid. Living in Van is better than living in Burnaby. If I was living in BC,
I'd be sailing around the islands some. I would punch people on Boxing Day, too.
THank You
