By: Sean
[2001-07-24]
And the winner is...
drum roll please (permission to kill me for that)
Here it is, the moment we've all been waiting for...
THE CONTEST RESULTS!!!
Let me say first, though, that it was a close call. We really saw some astounding results here in
my apartment the thingsihate studios. For the longest time, we really didn't know
who was going to win. Vote after vote poured in, from readers near and far. Competition was fierce. Harsh words were said. We came close to calling the whole thing off and telling you all you were a bunch of babies. But we made it. We got through, the votes have been tallied, and now, here, the results:
Actually, I'm kind of hungry. I'm going to run down to Jack in the Box and get me some mozzarella sticks. Back in 15.
10:20 a.m. - out for mozzarella sticks
10:50 a.m. - back.
OK, sorry, I guess that took longer than 15 minutes. I decided to walk there. I'd never had the cheese sticks at Jack in the Box before. They weren't very good. For anyone else out there who may be considering it, stick to the stuffed jalapenos or egg rolls.
Anyhow,
the results:
In the category for
music:
1st Place:
vanadium pentoxide!!! for the amazing
petey song! vanadium pentoxide, your music has moved me to tears.
2nd Place:
Frank Shacknasty!!! since he was the only other contestant.
And in the category for
visuals:
1st Place:
Jonas!!! for his
amazing movie poster!! Congratulations, Jonas! Your prize will be hopping your way shortly.
2nd Place:
Riff!!! for the "
Rabbit Meat" comics. Way to go Riff! You'll be the talk of the town sporting your new fashionable thingsihate apparel!
Way to go everyone. I think of all your drawings of hobos, mutilations, insane ramblings and anal rape and my heart swells with pride. What a scary goddam bunch you all are!
In other Petey news...
"Pop" from Medford, Oregon writes us:
The entire city of Medford, Oregon, has been so swept up by the Petey phenomenon that they have erected a statue of our hero right next to their famous and venerable landmark fiberglass Black Bird. It was only after the 40-foot statue was dedicated that the city fathers noticed The Miracle of Petey. Like the original Petey, Medford's Petey casts no shadow.
Though Petey was carefully sculpted in the round of the finest titanium steel, in a special bonus miracle, no matter from what angle viewed the giant Petey appears to be two-dimensional.
That's pretty cool! Petey's antenna is touching one of the overhead wires. Now, he waits for unwary passersby...for the Blue Light Special! ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaap!
Dang, how come we don't have anything that cool in Cleveland? We have the occasionally ocularly-challenged lizard, but that's about it.
Speaking of such, not all of you have claimed your bottles of Winking Lizard BBQ. I don't want to twist no arms, but you don't have to be shy either. It's bought and sitting in my fridge, you have but to send your address to
winkinglizard@thingsihate.org.
I sent bottles to Fairfax and Victoria yesterday, so in theory, everyone who has sent me their address, has either received their sauce or will shortly. Um, did I lose track of anyone?
Any more contests and thingsihate might have to instigate a "If you have won anything within the past three (3) months..." policy. But I am DEE-LIGHTED! 'Twas a pleasure for all involved.
Sean and Lou, I'll e-mail an address (probably General Delivery, provided our post office still does that, otherwise I'll have to get a PO box) to which delectables can be mailed, as soon as I set up a web-based account (was that a "@paprikash.com" mail thinger I saw?). I really wanna try Winking Lizard BBQ sauce (I like BBQ sauce).
But yes, a successful contest. It's things like this that make thingsihate so freakin' great.
For my money, the only place for your Web-based E-Mail is
procto.com. This is the
only Web site that not only cares about your colorectal health, but gives you E-Mail and 6 Megs of Web space.
paprikash.com Web-based E-Mail is available, but truth to tell, it's not as smooth as the average person would want it to be. paprikash.com is basically designed to do normal POP3 E-Mail.
That giant black bird really does exist in Medford. It's things like that that made me move away the instant I could.
Here's a better picture of the Bird, though I must warn you that in it he's naked:
http://id.mind.net/~truwe/BLACKBRD.JPG
(They change his hat for various holidays.)
There's a local guy who collects steam caliopes and antique cars and tractors, he had bought the old RCA Dog listening to the record player that used to be on top of the factory in New Jersey, and he had it in his front yard. It was a local landmark until just recently when they built new houses on his little piece. I think that he bought it really cheap from RCA, then later they offered him more than $50k to buy it back. It was about 30-feet tall, you couldn't hardly drive by it without looking at it!
that seems to be common in the sticks, especially when the nearby cities aren't high-falutin' places like NYC or LA. there's a giant man who exists to increase public awareness of mufflers or scrap metal or something in... Clementon, I think. it's on the Black Horse Pike, at any rate. if you progress along said Pike toward Runnemede, his feminine counterpart stands watch over another business of some sort...
hey, how the heck are you mailing rabbit meat to people?! a refrigerated mail truck sounds expensive...
Yeah! I've seen Muffler Man! I think that he's on the "Roadside America" website, too; they've got curious things. There's a statue in front of the US Labor Dept. which has had a bit of controversy. It's a statue of Albert Pike, who had some connection to Nathan Bedford Forrest, for whom Forrest Gump was named. It's only about two blocks from the 2,000 bed homeless shelter that was started by Mitch Snyder and the Community for Creative Non-Violence, which lends a bit of irony, that. Also, it appears that the Jersey Blueberry Blast is over for the summer, Diamond Blues were down to 99-cents, but now they're going back up at about $2 a box. I ate a passle of Jersey blueberries as I do every Summer. My friend Butch, his folks got 18 acres of blueberries in Sicklerville. Also, Eudora Welty died. Besides being a fair writer, they named the "Eudora" net-mail reader after her. I like Flannery O'Conner, too. Sometimes I miss New Jersey.
The Muffler Man, the Muffler Man?
Have you seen the Muffler Man?
He lives in Clementon.
Muffler Man tracking--
www.roadsideamerica.com/muffler/trackno.html
Harvey the Rabbit!
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/ORALOharvey.html
Sean, was the competition between Jonas and Riff super close? I forgot to vote...I wanted to vote for Riff, too. Which got me to thinking whether or not Jonas won by, say, one vote. Which would be a catastrophe. Thank you.
Thanks, Danielle, but even if it was that close I don't mind - I voted for Jonas myself, so IMO the better thingy won, and I still get apparel in the deal. And sauce!
Just what sort of apparel is it, anyway? Thingsihate.com cufflinks? A thingsihate.com cummerbund? A thingsihate.com codpiece?
Beekeeper's helmet? Fishing waders? Strait-jacket?
I don't know about anyone else, but I don't enjoy competition in general. Particularly when impressive things are put into conflict with each other, there's a part of me that just says: "Dude, let's all just sit back and eat lunchmeat and enjoy!"
I had the damndest time voting for anyone because there was so much quality before me. I'm sure everyone else had the same dilemma, and I'll bet everyone second-guessed themselves after voting anyway.
Remember, in these here United States, "winner" doesn't necessarily mean "the person with the most votes" anyway.
The only reason I didn't make you guys wrestle to see who'd win was that I don't know where any of you live.
Yay! My Winking Lizard came today! I'm one Happy Heinie!
making a big deal of competition leads to horror, but this was all in good fun, and done well. I am down with lunchmeat, though.
thingsihate wrestling championships! whoa.
I had a dream today that involved me living in a little neighborhood with tall, thin houses and lots of trees. I had to drive a beat up old dumptruck, and branches were always falling on the windshield to obscure my vision. also, there was a friendly witch (not good witch, because that usually = candy witch) who was either Annna or this girl I know from hotornot. could have been both; characters change identities in my dreams enough...
Don't let Petey hear you talk about a "Happy Heinie" ...
Okay, I think I'm done sending WL Sauce. The last two packages were sent today, to Minnesota and Ontario. Is there anyone who has been waiting an inordinately long period for their sauce?
"Petey" will be a tough act to follow! It wiil call for something on the order of Sean's rending account of the "Glamour Pussies." Staniel, I think that you must have been visited by The Lunchmeat Succubus!
she took all my lunchmeat for services rendered, then. I've been eating salad hoagies.
it is midnight PST now, and I know you have stuff to post. :P
go to the
official NJ dining page and search for a place to eat. where, oh where will you go? one search option uses what kind of food + location. pick any kind of food, and for "where?" select "Nowhere, or close by." and since you are looking for a restaurant that exists NOWHERE (or within proximity to nowhere), you will get 0 results.
the fact that someone with the mentality to make this a search option works in a somewhat official capacity on the state's official site is one of the cute little insanities I'm going to miss about this place...
by forcing me to post four times in a row due to the fact that nobody else is, you make me look like a deranged loner. stop it.
Staniel, where are you moving to?
Sending out WL sauce, I discovered the thingsihate.org two-states rule, which says that all thingsihate.org regulars must live in Canada or be within two states of the Canadian border. (It was very nearly the one-state rule except Pop lives in Oregon.) New Jersey shares a border with New York, which in turn shares a border with Canada, so you're currently covered.
Cleveland is neat in that it was the last stop on the Underground Railroad (short of Canada). There's an ancient north/south road in Ohio, Route 42, that goes all the way to Lake Erie; and all along it are sites recognized as stops on the UR. For example, on Route 42 in scenic Strongsville (15 miles from Lake Erie), a rich guy named John Pomeroy used to let escaping slaves hide in his beet cellar. Today, the Pomeroy House is a swank restaurant.
About a quarter mile from Lake Erie, again on Route 42, there is an old church with a mysterious passageway that leads to the lake. No doubt this afforded escaping slaves a secret way to get to a boat or raft, and take it north to Canada and freedom.
Hey! I found a place called Rabbit Hash, Kentucky! Sorry, Staniel, I fell asleep! Yesterday, I was moving stuff from a storage space of a friend who went to visit Thailand and isn't coming back. So, I inherited booty of many clothes, good hiking boots, books, computer junk, many telephones. It was very hot yesterday, and inside the storage space, it was like a sauna! My friend has a condo in Bangkok for only $85 a month! I'm going to check out how much are round trip tickets. There are monkeys in Thailand!
Next update is coming on Monday.
We're letting you all cool down after being whipped into such a frenzy by this Petey business. We were scared of what might happen if we didn't.
it arrived today! my father was quite confused when he saw a bulky package which claimed to contain "lizard tubes". oof, sorry about the postage price. if we lived in the new world order with the global economy, it would cost as much to mail something to singapore as it would to mail it next door.
Cool! Glad it made it there safe and sound without being unreasonably detained.
Myself, I thought the postage was pretty cheap. More than the WL itself cost, but I can't complain. It really is kinda magical, you drop a parcel in a box and it shows up where it's supposed to a couple days later. A modern marvel!
it is looking like Portland, actally. not overrun with jobly competition like Seattle, plus it's cheaper... there's arts and roses and bikes and crap... yeah!
getting stuff in the mail is really magical. I've always loved mail order, and writing letters/trading parcels is fun fun fun.
i am having a slight problem with the poppyseeds clogging the nozzle, any hints on preventing this? i've tried enlarging the hole but i don't have any tools that will open it up enough.
The next update is Monday? Today's only Friday.... My God.... There may be, in all probability, more comments here than anyone in the history of thingsihate could have possibly ever imagined. Prepare thyselves.
still eight, er, seven more posts until the record is matched
04/06/2001 Alex the Ugly Duckling by staniel
Actually, she was somewhat of a babe, it's just that the hobo-humping kind of diminished that.
42 comments.
Tah-RULY beautiful picture, noisia!
The way I work the WL squirt cap is, I cut it with scissors, at that first ring about a quarter inch down.
Tiny apertures aside, I'm glad you approve!
After the joy and thrill of receiving Annna's "Battle of Maldon" (no really), I thought I'd like to share that experience with others: there is, as staniel said, something magical about mail, especially when it's something neat from someone you can't even verify actually exists (in a first-order way). Anyway, there was a riddles thread on one of the dumbrella boards a few months ago so when somebody figured out the riddle I posted I offered to mail them an original teacher-scribbled-on short story from CRWR as a prize. I thought it would've been pretty cool, this creation from stranger (and a funny and thought-provoking story, too); sadly, though, the person declined, citing reasons of "I don't know you" and "I don't feel comfortable giving you my address".
I guess I can understand that.
But I had never let it stop me. Granted, I did just rent out a PO box, partly in anticipation of receiving many Net-made purchases once/if my student credit card is approved. Gotta build a (good) credit history somehow.
Ironic then, as life tends to be, that it was the Internet that has made regular mailing more -- well, fun.
For anyone who'll be in the Vancouver area September 2 and/or 3, tickets for both Ween shows go on sale Saturday, July 28, at 10am. Both shows are at the Commodore Ballroom and are 19 and over.
Be there or be a geometric figure with four equal sides and four right angles!
Also, in Portland you can look out your window and see a volcano!
And play inside a volcano. Lots of thermal springs in Oregon.
Oregon! Land of Mystery and Salmon! And Monkeys! You can ski on Mt. Hood and surf in the Pacific in the same day.
I read all about Mt. Rainier in the Dec 99 issue of Earth (I think the last issue, before it disappeared -- Earth magazine, that is). Apparently, that mountain is more to fear than steamin' Mt. Baker, as it's over a hundred years overdue for its next eruption. There're tons of housing built around its base, despite the fact that the planners knew Mt. Rainier is an active volcano, and when it erupts all those houses will be buried in magma; a couple of large rivers of blowed up stuff will even make their way past Tacoma to the edges of Seattle (if I remember the nifty diagram correctly).
"Well the, the real humans won't uh, won't burn quite so fast in there."
I need some danger in my life. danger of a more mysterious and ancient variety than hanging out with Rich in Willingboro despite the fact that my car doors must remain unlocked until I get the key situation resolved.
Well, maybe we do. Funny site.
