By: Annna [2001-07-30]

Elks - Too Hot for Public Access TV

in which we stumble upon the truth

The story, as far as I heard it, was this: Pop is taking a class at the community college that will eventually give him the ability to edit things at the Public Access TV studios and borrow equipment. And also show things on the air, maybe. For the group project, his group has to film a short PSA. As one of his comrades is an Elk, the PSA is going to be about the Elks. Easy.

At least, you'd think so. Nobody knows anything about the Elks. Pop can't get any PR pamphlets, their webpages are dens of bitrot and "under construction" .GIFs, and his Elk friend just joined so he could use the auditorium and is either very well sworn to secrecy or very poorly indoctrinated.

Do the Elks have to hold any specific beliefs? Are there oaths and rituals? Are they dominating countries, pulling strings, puttering about on the Great Work, meditating on the Light, scribing Hermetic hexagrams with or playing pool in the club lounge? Do they have outfits? Nobody knows. All we know is that they allow women and they have a nice building.

The scary thing is that nobody cares, either. The Masons are incredibly open about their secret rituals (or at least, they claim to be....) and even the most reality-based people still dimly suspect them of drawing the black curtains and cracking open a fresh baby come Walpurgisnacht.

The Elks give next to no information to the public, and yet are ignored almost entirely in the annals of conspiracy research, often cited as "you might as well suspect your local Elks Club!" It's interesting that a lot of people who were members of various flavors of Freemasons are also Elks members - perhaps we've been looking at the wrong common thread....

But I digress. Elks= harmless, slightly-less-sexist geezers in a town near you. Pop and I wrote a shot-in-the-dark PSA poking fun at the benign image of the Elks vs. the sinister one of other secret societies, thinking that it might at best attract some more young blood to the Elks, at worst be ignored.

It was shot down immediately, but Pop wasn't given any more specific guidelines, suggestions or things to avoid. In this innocuous jape, we have gotten too close to the truth about the Elks. Before the ninjas close in on stately Xanadu, I give you the Truth about the BPOE!

Guess which parts I wrote:

(Music. Long shots/beauty shots of Ashland)

Especially the Shakespeare Festival.

VOICEOVER (slowly): Ashland, Oregon. A quiet community. A *peaceful* community. Little does the man on the street suspect that within this sleepy village there are--------ELKS.

Can you put text on the screen here? It should be all caps, huge and bold, and perhaps say "ELKS: THREAT OR MENACE?" Or "ASHLAND: THE ELK
STOPS HERE."

(Music stops. Static man on the street shot)

OFF-SCREEN INTERVIEWER: What do you know about the Elks?

MAN ON THE STREET #1: (shrug)

(cut)

INTERVIEWER: Have you heard about the Elks?

MAN ON THE STREET #1.5: (still walking by) (makes the universal "I don't have any change" gesture, doesn't make eye contact.)

INTERVIEWER: Did you know there are Elks living in Ashland?

MAN ON THE STREET #2: How nice.

(cut)

INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about the Elks?

MAN ON THE STREET #3: Do you mean the animals, or the creepy guys with the antlers and the secret rituals?

(Quick cut--almost subliminal--to antlered, robed, wild-eyed shaman framed by flames)

INTERVIEWER: The creepy guys.

(Editing pace quickens--now man on the street interviews while walking, then running)

INTERVIEWER: What should we do about the Elks?

MAN ON THE STREET #4: (drunk?) I SAY SHOOTING'S TOO GOOD FER 'EM!

(cut)

INTERVIEWER: What are you going to do about the Elk conspiracy?

MAN ON THE STREET #5: (Running) I'm moving back to California!

MAN ON THE STREET #4: (walking after him) GOOD RIDDANCE! (throws bottle/can)

(Music resumes. Cut to montage of Elk lodge)

[CUT to a study/den/waterstained basement. INTERVIEWER is now on camera, with wild, staring eyes but an otherwise calm demeanor. Ideally smoking or Queeging. Appropriate words have the hell emphasized out of them, almost spat out. Also, finger quotes. At major points, a cut to the other side of the INTERVIEWER so he can turn around suddenly would be good for emphasis, especially if the camera then zooms in.]

INTERVIEWER:
Since the dawn of civilization, "esoteric" organizations have manipulated society from behind a veil of deception. Their motives and actions are hidden from Joe and Jane Six-pack, who go through their day-to-day life unaware! of the mysterious brotherhood pulling their strings.

Even the more astute among the herd, often referred to as "conspiracy nuts" [he looks a little bitter about this], are thrown off the scent of this sinister organization by a red herring of their own manufacture: the Masons. Don't be fooled! The Illuminati don't carry a trowel;

[zoom to CLOSE-UP]

INTERVIEWER:
they. wear. horns.

[a moment of silence for emphasis, ruined halfway through by an ill-thought-out "they have horns" hand gesture, sort of like the Antler
Dance.]

INTERVIEWER:
No, it's not the Moose! [amused] The Moose lodge had enough trouble instituting the universal price code -- even with the help of the Antichrist [or "the preserved brain of Joe Stalin"]! The real Secret Masters are the ELKS, their hideous intent squatting within a smokescreen of public service and charity work!

[takes out a dollar bill]

INTERVIEWER:
The pyramid on the back of the U.S. dollar bill has been alleged to be a Masonic symbol, and at first glance it _is_. But look closer!

[PAN as the INTERVIEWER walks to an easel with an enlargement of the back of a dollar bill, maybe just the center bit. It has elk horns very obviously drawn on it in black wide-tip Sharpie (or green if the enlargement is in color). The INTERVIEWER points to/outlines the horns with the universal "you do see it, don't you" gesture.]

Similarly, many of our Founding Fathers were not Masons, but Elks!

[As INTERVIEWER mentions them, CUT to pictures of the appropriate historical figures, very obviously from the encyclopedia (text in the frame as well) with cut out photographic elk horns stuck on them.
Ideally the same set of horns.]

INTERVIEWER [VO]:
Paul Revere!
Benjamin Franklin!
George Washington! [horns are stuck on a dollar and go over the edge]
Sam Houston! [perhaps the horns are stuck on a beverage label. Or are
3-d and stuck on the bottle itself.]
Bob Dole!

[CUT back to the original set.]

INTERVIEWER:
The Elks, while painting themselves as philanthropists and heroes, have had their tendrils [beat] _hooves_ in every machination against the free people of the world since time immemorial.

The Satanic pentagram [shows large example on easel] is only the popular corruption of the original, _far more malevolent_ symbol.

[shows the Baphomet sigil with the horns replaced with elk horns and the beard removed, maybe made more elk-like in other aspects as well. Big doe eyes, looking much less sinister than the Satanic goat.]

INTERVIEWER: [picking up the card]
In fact, if you simply replace - what's that?

[Lights flicker and then go out. We hear a struggle.]

INTERVIEWER [unseen]:
No, no! Aaagh! [straining] French-Canadian...bean...soup!

[Lights come back on. The easel (and any other set pieces) have been knocked over, and the INTERVIEWER, disheveled, lies slumped against the wall, a huge bloodstain on his chest with handmarks of the killer on the wall and expendable bits of the set. There is an elk antler stuck in his chest.]

[Credits start to roll; music comes back up as a greasy person holding a Styrofoam cup, presumably the CAMERAMAN, advances from behind the camera to check on the INTERVIEWER. The CAMERAMAN crouches, checks his pulse, shakes his head and then rifles through his pockets and takes his wallet. Standing, he goes through the wallet and walks out of the shot.]

(Music stops. Return to shot of shaman, peering through fire.)

SHAMAN: The Elks want YOU!

(Cut to graphic.)

VOICE-OVER, SOMEONE DIFFERENT: (Perky) Become one of the Secret
Masters! Decide the fate of the world over brandy and cigars, with bingo on [Saturdays!] Phone 541-482-3911 or write to elksconspiracy@mind.net!

END

LOL! [2001-07-29 23:21:18] Riff

(applause) Brilliant! Bravissima!

Actually, it reminds me a lot of Robert Anton Wilson's screenplay "Reality Is What You Can Get Away With", which I think should replace Swift's "A Modest Proposal" as mandatory high-school reading.

(RIFF quickly makes the four signs of a master Mason)
(fade to black)

Wilson [2001-07-29 23:29:53] staniel

I always get depressed by good old Mr. Wilson. not so here, though. liked the UPC/Antichrist reference especially. I'll have to find out of my grandfather was an Elk, I know he was a Mason...

That was some excellent writing. [2001-07-30 00:40:50] Jonas

It conjures up memories of "How To Give Up Being A Mason". I especially liked the twist ending: you and Pop make for some good writin'. If this had been written two years ago, I would've used it for my Film 233 project. And if I had been in the class and not stuck on the waiting list.

This comment is giving me an overwhelming sense of déja vù.

But yes, to echo Riff: bravo!

Elk Grove [2001-07-30 02:27:41] König Prüß, GfbAEV

One time I was out by Elk Grove, Oregon; it's kind of like "Area 51" for Elkly activity, and this guy was telling me that during hunting season about 350 elk show up at his farm because he doesn't allow any hunting there!

Also, the media propaganda survey results are highly suspect!
In the Fall of 1998, Channel 6 conducted a survey among Elk Grove Village cable subscribers. Here's a summary of the survey results.
We asked Elk Grove cable subscribers to rate our effectiveness as a municipal government access television channel.

www.elkgrove.org/channel6/6survey.html

Good Oregon wine!
www.elkcove.com/ec_main.html

mmm [2001-07-30 03:08:00] staniel

Willamette Valley (the region, not just the brand that is named after it) pinot noir is nice. it does usually step a few dollars over my $10/bottle ideal, though.

Elk Wine [2001-07-30 03:26:07] König Prüß, GfbAEV

It's a confederacy of Elks! Conspiring to drive up the price of grape squeezin's just to line their own pockets! One relative was telling me that a local Indian custom was to grab an enemy and wrap him in a green elk skin and set him in the sun for a day. Usually, the raw elk hide contracts as it dries, enough so that the foe is very slowly crunched. Somebody should make some NJ blueberry wine...

blueberry wine [2001-07-30 04:18:23] staniel

somebody probably does. somebody else, namely me, wishes he has his grandparents' old winemaking kit, since blueberry wine sounds like a tasty idea. but lamentably, I do not.
corn, I do have. pure, sweet, white corn.

Nicely done!! [2001-07-30 05:06:00] Lou Duchez

You saw the episode of "History's Mysteries" about Conspiracies, perhaps? The Elks piece would serve as a comparable piece of research, albeit far superior in terms of general sanity.

The History Channel's version featured one or two "conspiracy experts", by which we basically mean a person who has taken that part of his brain used for Marvel Comics trivia, and replaced "Doctor Doom" with "The Bilderbergers". My favorite part was when one expert claimed that George Washington was inaugurated via a secret Masonic ritual. "Just look at the picture!!!" he exhorted as proof positive of his claim (referring of course to the famous painting of GW's inauguration). Mind you, I don't know what a secret Masonic ritual looks like, and he doesn't know what one looks like, but this guy apparently figured that a Masonic ritual could look like that painting, so it must be.

Myself, I always thought that Masonic rituals looked like dogs playing poker, but unlike that guy I'm no expert.

I have a theory about conspiracy theories. Most people know there is something fundamentally wrong with our society, in that there is too much poverty, crime, and injustice afoot. Ultimately, the source of all this is the citizenry at large: almost everyone is exactly as selfish and dishonest and they can get away with, and that determines the nature of our society. But people prefer not to recognize that they've created society in their own image, so they create mythical external forces that are responsible for all our woes.

For the record: to the best of my knowledge, "Illuminatus" is a rank in various secret societies, indicating a certain level of achievement. But the term has been taken out of context so long that to most people it means something completely different. It's kind of like the word "witch": ask a Baptist and a druid what a witch is, and you'll get radically different answers.

For Sale [2001-07-30 09:45:30] König Prüß, GfbAEV

I looked up, and the Medford Elk's Lodge is for sale! So was the Elk's Lodge in Alexandria, Virginia. The Elk's Lodge in Alexandria had a life-sized bronze of an elk over the door that I would have liked. The local Alma Temple Shriner's is for sale, too; but that's a matter of good real estate: they got taxed-out, so, they're moving. Someone should write an exposé on "E Clampus Vitus." The Clampers have some connection with Emperor Norton, and thus, likely have involved themselves in the International Chaos Conspiracy!

The Mists of Avalon [2001-07-30 20:56:32] Lou Duchez

Been watching "The Mists of Avalon" tonite, and all I can think is: they should've cast the bunch from "Melrose Place". Heather Locklear as the Lady of the Lake, and maybe Courtney Thorne-Smith as Morgaine la Fey?

I guess I can't fault them for D&D-ing up the whole thing, no doubt it was in the original book. All the same, I'm not left with a sense that I'm looking at either Celtic or Christian cultures in Britain.

Complaining aside, it is a pretty good show.

PROPUESTA AL EJECUTIVO DEL ESTADO DE NAYARIT [2001-07-30 21:31:00] staniel

that's right, folks. around Case de Staniel, we get the seductive Spanish version of sircam.

Sircam, et al. [2001-07-31 01:59:03] Jonas

It's quite the hot topic, everybody's talking about it. Mind you, some of it is: "Jonas, I opened that e-mail you sent me, now what?" Hehe. But we've all learned.

I just watched Evil Dead 2, for the first time. I didn't find it to be nearly as good as it's made out to be. In fact, I think I might like Evil Dead more. Army Of Darkness, I feel, is the best of the three. But the scene with Linda's head had me laughing aloud, and ED2 did have a laughing elk. Alright, it was actually a deer, but for sake of germane-ness ("germany"?) we'll call it an elk. Might've been an elk tho, I don't really know my North American quadrupeds.

In any case.

If I'm recollecting properly, Graham Chapman's Mason character was wearing elk horns.

I was going to say something else, but now I've forgotten what it was.

But Lou's theory regarding conspiracy theories I find to be almost entirely without reproach and fault. I shall think it through then propound it at every and all opportunities.

Drink Jones Soda.

dead [2001-07-31 02:47:27] staniel

ED2 was my favorite of the three for a while. they're all kind of worn out now, though. Dead Alive, now, there's a splatter film.

conspiracy theory theory [2001-07-31 04:57:46] Lou Duchez

I keep meaning to write up my conspiracy theory theory for the local right-wing rag, which takes submissions from the public at large. I've already worked out the title: "Black Helicopters and Red Herrings". It will probably fall upon deaf ears, but still.

In American culture, there really aren't any icons of morality. By morality I don't mean a person telling other people how to live, I mean a person holding himself and only himself up to a strict code. Take a look at American cop shows, and you'll have trouble finding a truly upstanding cop. You'll find dedicated cops, you'll find cops who hate pushers, you'll find cops who expose their butts, but there don't seem to be any who do whatever is right simply because it is right, off-duty as well as on-duty. That perspective is so alien to the average American that we have to draw our icons of morality from far-away places, like Canada (Mounties) or the planet Krypton.

Mounties. [2001-07-31 13:56:10] Jonas

I found a book in the local college library called "Dickens Of The Mounties", detailing the exploits of Charles Dickens' son Francis (Frank) J. Dickens in the North West Mounted Police, how he was a lazy drunk who nonetheless managed to coin the famous phrase "The Mounties Always Get Their Man", and came up with the Mounties Musical Ride.

I find this all to be quite inconceivable, but it appears to be fact.

Something to remember next July 1. Certainly more interesting than a cherry tree incident that never actually happened, in any case. What a wacky country this is. Lots of elks here, too.

Mountie trivia [2001-07-31 16:13:24] Lou Duchez

According to Constable Benton Fraser (on "Due South"), the Mounties' motto is: "Maintain the Right". I think I once researched this and confirmed it, which therefore means that everything on "Due South" is accurate. Fraser also claimed that "We Always Get Our Man" was invented for and popularized in movies. With a slogan like that, I can only assume that it was a gay porn film.

As mottos go, I'll take "Maintain the Right" any day before the American police motto, "To Serve and Protect". Serve and protect, serve and protect, it's like being a security guard at a volleyball game.

(One retroactively-sent bottle of WL Sauce to the first person to tell me where that line comes from ...)

Mottos and such, [2001-07-31 17:23:13] Jonas

I don't know if it's on the air still, but there was a COPS-style called To Serve And To Protect, detailing the exploits of the Vancouver Police.

The RCMP cars have "TO PROTECT AND SERVE" emblazoned on their doors. I walk a lot, so everytime I see one I think, "Hey! Protect me from the weather and serve my transportation needs". I don't think it would actually work tho.

At the mall here there's a bubblegum/fortune-telling/something contraption with a life-sized plastic Mountie torso and head inside. Above it reads: "WE ALWAYS GET OUR MAN". His eyes will follow you.

dead alive [2001-07-31 18:15:45] Annna

Best movie ever, expecially the lawnmower scene.

In Old English there's this word wæl. Means "slaughter" or "carnage," but much more vividly. More like "battle-leavings"; what's left all around and all over your sweord after a battle. Related etymologically to "valkerie." Wælstow is translated as "battlefield," but it's more like "place where there is/was recently a battle, and now it's covered with Heinz chunky-style tomato sauce."

My point being: there is no better illustration of wæl on film than the lawnmower/party scenes.

I hope Lord of the Rings is half as good as Dead Alive.

Yodas [2001-07-31 19:09:12] König Prüß, GfbAEV

"Lord of the Rings" by the "Feebles" guy? I just hope that it's not like "Planet of the Yodas!" Liam Clancy told me this joke. He said that in Scotland in olden times, they practiced bundling where a young couple would bed for the night, but there was a Claymore sword placed between them. The jist of the joke was that usually sometime during the night the young lass would invariably answer the question about what kind of sword it was with: "Climb o'er! Climb o'er!"

protect 'n' serve sausages [2001-07-31 22:13:37] Lou Duchez

Click me for the "protect and serve" answer.

Annna, would you have any suggestions as to books with cool Old English type lingo? For the armchair etymologist in all of us, perpetually wishing that "thorn" were still a letter.

alive dead [2001-07-31 23:15:14] peet

I'd have to say my favourite part in Dead Alive was near the end, when the girl slides across the zombie guts to embrace the guy (like how one would slide across an icy road in their shoes). It's been several years since I've seen the film, but that 1 second of footage has kept my small brain humoured (me canadian!) on many a lonely night.

mounties and movies [2001-07-31 23:55:57] noisia

it was probably popularised in the fifties/sixties when american film companies essentially bought the canadian film industry and in exchange made a bunch of movies featuring mounties set in the canadian wilderness. this pretty much crippled the canadian film industry so now we're left with mostly indie films and NFB shorts. oh yeah, and crappy porn for women to be played late night on showcase when the unintelegible european and southern american porn should be playing.

Peter Jackson [2001-08-01 00:08:33] staniel

Dead Alive is indeed classic. I actually could go for a Feebles & Bad Taste viewing right now, though, since I haven't seen either of those as much as the more famous one. in NZ & Australia it's titled "Braindead," and there was a musical based on it.

Showcase porn [2001-08-01 01:08:57] Danielle

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! was by far my favourite Showcase movie for the longest time..I'm not sure what language it was in. Spanish? English, even? Highly recommended, however. Wonderful Canadian channels. It's like TFO, the french channel, in that they can show just about anything they please

OE [2001-08-01 01:42:09] Annna

I learned from a class that uses A Guide to Old English by Mitchell and Robinson, which purports to be a guide for self study. There aren't any really quick and easy guides to learning the grammar - it's inflected. My professor, Jim Earl, is trying to write a book that teaches people the basic grammar painlessly before bringing up the vocabulary.

If you just learn pronounciation and get an edition that has Modern English on one page and OE on the other page, you'll be able to muddle through a little - there are, after all, a heck of a lot of cognates.

There are a lot of OE sites online as well, some with line-by-line translations of the major poems - find one that's really mechanistic and unartful and a couple that are good translations but perhaps take liberties (but different ones) and along with the original, you'll be able to grok it.

There's also a lot of OE audio, and a page that gives OE computer terms. (The latter is listed on Portal of Evil, coincidentally enough.)

I would link to things but 1. I'm tired 2. it's time for bed 3. in which I plan to sleep. Search for the poems by name and you'll find more than just "Old+English." There are only seven books of Old English poetry, so you'll come across the same names all the time.

Dream of the Rood totally, totally rocks. The Wanderer and The Seafarer made me cry even when I was struggling through them in the original. I'm a sucker for the ubi sunt motif.

OE tips [2001-08-01 02:37:04] Lou Duchez

Thanks for the leads! If Prof Earl ever publishes his book, let me know and I may buy a copy.

OE grammar doesn't scare me. German grammar didn't do me in, and neither did Perl, so I am pretty sure I can absorb OE grammar on contact with enough examples.

Re: Peter Jackson films. I'm surprised nobody has brought up Heavenly Creatures, which, while a different genre, is nonetheless a treat-and-a-half. Every time I watch it, though, I get all disturbed-like. The girls' parents weren't really all that bad, and the girls aren't really all that bad either (albeit spending too much time in the Fourth World) ... so what went wrong? What could the parents have done differently to prevent things from taking bad turn after bad turn?

800 [2001-08-01 03:03:19] staniel

I read something in high school that was in middle English, perhaps an earlier form than that in which Chaucer wrote (if his writings are in fact M.E. - I was told he was towards the end of it, and Shakespeare wrote while modern English was young, but this is all from high school teachers, so...) about Schips sinking to the bottom of the Sea, and the Kings who sailed about in them on some quest or another that they decided to embark upon after drinking the Blud-Red Wiene. and also Get Up and Bar the Door. things to do with antiquity are usually nice.

oh, and Heavenly Creatures [2001-08-01 03:08:31] staniel

I really liked it, and would even call it his best film, though Meet the Feebles is a contender. it's a true story, or at least based on one, and I would swing the blame about 60/40: the parents' detachment and the girls' instability, respectively.

rich dreamery rooder [2001-08-01 03:20:33] Lou Duchez

I like this one. As predicted, the grammar is awfully reminiscent of German. Change a few vowels and consonants and you come up with a lot of modern German vocabulary too.

Methinks the translator has taken a few liberties here and there to bridge stylistic gaps between then and now, but a little of that is necessary. I applaud his restraint; I found another translation where the author was careful to rhyme like Etrigan the demon, which tells me he wasn't all that literal in his translations.

I can only imagine 10000 years from now, when the only surviving remnant of our literature is a bottle of Dr. Bronner Almond Castille Soap. Think of the conclusions they'll draw about our language.

Ond we syndon eallum-ætgadre! Eallum-ætgadre!

back to mounties [2001-08-01 09:01:48] peet

I love seeing mounties on tv performing typical policework in their bright red formal attire. It would be like seeing a war movie with a platoon wearing their fancy clothes and white hats, spinning their guns around between every shot.

Actually I think I'd like to see that.

Mounties in serge [2001-08-01 09:34:10] Lou Duchez

I think the red uniform is part of the mystique for American viewers. To be sure the serge is impractical, but it implies volumes about upstandingness.

There's no way an American would be caught wearing a red uniform or helping old ladies across the street. But when an American sees a Canadian doing such things, well, it's almost plausible.

Mountie Chorus [2001-08-01 10:20:27] König Prüß, GfbAEV

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day!

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

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