By: Annna and Matie, Time Travelers!
[2001-09-26]
Time and Relative Distance in Space Travel Bonanza!
in which we play with forces we do not understand
Matie, living in the dorms, had to buy an iron. So I picked her up and took her to Fred Meyer's, where they had irons.
THE END
That done, we went across the street, where there is a Goodwill, a Saint Vincent's and
another Goodwill. I found a $3 ukulele at the latter Goodwill a week ago, so I try to go back whenever I can. Matie, meanwhile, takes the opportunity to try on every single item of used clothing that is not actually covered with dried sick.
There weren't any ukuleles, and Matie didn't find anything nice to wear, but we did find something cool in the back, with all the broken TVs and electric organs: a big ol' time machine, with premium dimensional travel option.
I think it was thrown out because of the godawful avocado and harvest gold color scheme; it worked perfectly, once we plugged in a bunch of car batteries we found out in the parking lot. The dashboard stereo, however, was busted; an eight-track of
Tapestry had melted and jammed the spools.
Matie distracted the clerks while I scraped off the sticker and replaced it with one from a broken popcorn popper. I'm sorry, but I'm not paying $15 for any damn time machine, no matter how thick the carpet is.
Strapping the time machine onto the roof of my Bug, we realized the other reason it was at Goodwill: no manual! We decided to try it out anyway; we didn't have any particular plans for the next few millennia anyway.
Our first stop was in the past in what was probably an
alternate universe, inasmuch as all the famous people seemed to have swapped their sexes.
Yeah, we weren't too impressed either, so all we did was stop in a record store before moving on. We had to pay in ones--we figured they'd notice the beard on Abbie Lincoln if we used fives--so all we got was a used copy of:
Here's a sample track,
Psycho Killer, by the Talking Head-ettes [2.76 MB].
Setting the controls more or less at random, we ended up in the near future in a universe that seemed
oddly familiar. Everybody seemed pretty angry, the government was composed of bad Shakespearean actors, and there were
goatees on
everything. Using the bathroom was a ticklish affair.
Deciding to get out before someone asked to see our agonizers, we just had time to draw some facial hair on a 20 and pick up a copy of:
Download a copy of
Psycho Tueur, by Les Tętes Parlants [2.75 MB]. Again, the singer is female; I think we had the controls stuck on "matriarchy."
One thing about that universe, they had a pretty good selection of leather gloves.
Punching buttons willy-nilly, we found ourselves in another
strange alternate Earth. This CD was in their equivalent of the bargain bin--the "Mean Price" sticker took forever to scrape off. On the bright side, they gave us $12.99 to take it and told us to have a horrible day.
Listen to the sweet strains of
Completely Normal Person, by the Silent Feet [2.75 MB].
About then we got a little bored with checking up on the Talking Heads in alternate dimensions, so we tried to figure out the time controls some more, before we ran out of juice and ended up stuck somewhere where they didn't make insulin or Hormel turkey pepperoni.
After an argument and some grappling over the lever, we wound up in the far, far past, smack dab on top of a swarm of butterflies. This didn't disturb either of us greatly until we finally returned to the present and found Nazis everywhere.
We stayed until Matie was done boot shopping, then went back in time to stop us from changing the future.
Turns out I can take myself in a fight!
I like the French one too; I may have to tell my new Quebecois friend about it!
Talking like
Bizarro is a lot of fun on the job.
I once wrote a story (or assorted chapters of a story) about a group of explorers who ended up on Bizarro Jesus world, populated by various flavors of Bizarro Jesus and Bizarro Mary Magdalene. There were sad clown Bizarro Jesii, country-western Bizarro Jesii, beatnik Bizarro Jesii, and the most fearsome one of all was the Bizarro Godspell Jesus. There was only one of him, he was so terrifying that Wink Martindale didn't dare create any more of him.
Alas, I'm completely unfamiliar with the Talking Heads. If you find yourself TARDISing over to any dimensions where girl-groups do Uriah Heep numbers, I'd love to hear about it.
Dimensional travel is fun, but not when you have homework. Damn you, Annna!
The Nadsat word of the day is bezoomny: adj. mad.
You can't have not heard Psycho Killer.
Annna, keep up the good work with inducing Matie to be near computers, and use them even. With her handy Clockwork Orange reference, sparkling wit, and whatnot, it's nice to see a greater-than-usual occurance of posts from her.
I was talking to
this girl in the doctor's office today. I guess when you've got lots and lots of rabbits, you either start a shelter or an abbatoir. She is the anti-Pelphrey.
Staniel, you can't begin to imagine how ignorant I am about some things.
I dig the alternate universe renditions of "Psycho Killer", but I swear to Dog that I've never heard the version native to our universe. No matter how I turn it over in my head, the closest thing I can think of is that song where the deep-voiced guy sings: "You might ask yourself, what is that beautiful house".
::does some research::
I'll be jiggered, that is a Talking Heads song. But as to "Psycho Killer" ... I fear I am sans reference point.
Annna, did you accidentally pick up a stowaway whilst you were dimension-cruising?
Poor anti-Pelphrey, it looks like they're trying to hit her up for $29.95 a month to keep her site up. That sucks, considering she's trying to be a humanitarian, or at the very least, a rabbitarian. So, I went and offered her some free Web space over on
paprikash.com. So Staniel, in case she figures me for a stalker, can I use you as a character reference?
Remember the St. Elsewhere episode where Howie Mandel is turning 30 and he's afraid of growing up so he superglues down everything in the office? That's what was playing during that scene.
I can use computers perfectly well. I just don't always use them to hang out with my sister's creepy internet friends. I have friends and hobbies of my own, thank you very much.
Anyway, now that I am College Student and no longer have friends or anything better to do I probably will be contributing more.
And as for my whatnot, that is not a subject for polite conversation.
I went about the risky business of planning my near future out today, with the assistance of my school's guidance counsellor. I wanted to get into broadcast journalism, so I'm going to Ryerson, in Toronto.. How do I feel about that? Extremely excited. I like Toronto. I also get to take some pretty nifty courses. Optional courses include: Gothic Horror, Francophone Women Writers and Microeconomics. I hope to avoid economics if it kills me. Planning your future is strange, it involves lots of thinking. Oh, and budgeting. That part is much much less fun.
Francophone Women Writers and Microeconomics? Sounds like an upper-level course. What kind of pre-req does it have?
I never even so much as insinuated that you lack computer skills, Matie, I merely said that you're using them more lately, or at least, using them more in a way that I have visibility to. And that this is good.
Lou, I guess I can be a reference. Heh. "You can have some of my web space, I swear I'm not creepy! I post comments to the same website as your boyfriend's band's keyboardist's friend!"
Now, I go to look up "Francophone".
I think the previously mentioned friend is a Francophone Woman Writer.
The "just what I did... that one night" portion sounds like part of the Threepenny Opera, or something.
From the
Portal of Evil news:
A King of Prussia doctor who has been sued over a liposuction patient's death was performing plastic surgery without the proper license for his office-based operating room, state health officials said yesterday. The Pennsylvania Department of Health began investigating the licensing status of Richard P. Glunk's surgical office after receiving a complaint about the death of a Delaware County woman who underwent liposuction there May 23. Amy Fledderman, 18, of Newtown Square, died two days later of a complication of the liposuction surgery, according to her death certificate.
I don't know about the Three Penny Opera, I just find it amusing that the french accent is stronger during the english parts than it is during the French.
The Nadsat word of the day is noga: n. foot, leg.
I chose it because it's also one of my Russian vocabulary words this week.
Interesting, a Nadsat word that doesn't look like a "Jumble" clue.
I'm doing some cross-lingual speculation where a fluent speaker of Indo-European would be able to help out. Any Kurgans in the audience?
The English word "bone" (meaning "bone") is etymologically related to the German word "Bein" (meaning "leg").
The German word "Knochen" (meaning "bone") sure looks like it would be related to the Russian word "noga" (meaning "leg").
So what's the deal about legs and bones? Is there some ur-concept common to them both that I'm just not seeing? This looks like a case for Mulder and Scully ...
Francophone Women Writers is a upper level liberal studies course.. My program just offers you microeconomics, like "Hey! Maybe you might be interested in this!", but doesn't make you take it, it's an optional course. I have to pick between Modern Women's Writing and Nineteenth Century Studies as well... I'm thinking I'll stick with the latter. I'm also leaning in the direction of the Gothic Horror liberal studies course.
When I was 18, I took a Gothic literature class. If they set you up with the same stories as I had to read, let me warn you: you're going to be subjected to some of the most butt-boring tales on this planet.
To put this in context, 100 years ago, the ending to "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" was considered a shocking twist. But those of us who are at least passingly familiar with
the Twilight Zone checklist of twist endings will have it figured out by page two.
Now let's expand upon this, as to what was considered dark and eerie to our primitive ancestors. A flickering candle, a locked room, a secret passage, an evil monk, a question of parentage ... none of it stands up even to a so-so episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". The giant helmet in "The Castle Otranto" is fun, but only if you picture it in conjunction with the Monty Python theme music (a.k.a. "The Liberty Bell March").
See if they have a Soviet Dissident Literature class. That rocks!
Anyone else enjoy "Star Trek: Enterprise" the other night?
I think the thing I like best is, rather than these being the ultra-wise officers of "The Next Generation", Scott Bakula and company are a bunch of chunk-headed Americans, straight out of any 1950s sci-fi film starring John Agar. That is almost certainly an intentional thing, and appropriate to a bunch of humans making their first series of interstellar contacts.
I like Scott Bakula a lot. He has the right kind of fifties serial action-hero look for the first captain of the Enterprise.
Check out the Net's First "Enterprise" Slash Fiction: http://www.brunching.com/features/enterpriseslash.html
I think that instead of using their laser guns they should have just attacked the enemy with that Vulcan girl's visible nipples.
wait.. i mean.. jesus you guys, shut up. there's 80 zillion other web pages out there discussing star trek right now. but thingsihate is UNIQUE, damn it.
so.. anyone catch buffy last night? i particularly liked when her rotting corpse rose from the cold earth to try and seduce dawson.
SEE, Sean? You're just a chunk-headed "my way or the highway" American like the guy who was rubbing ointment on the Vulcan chick's naked flesh, making the muscles on her back tense one at a time like a master violinist with his instrument.
It was all going so well until you guys turned on your televisors.
I had jury duty the other day, and didn't sleep the night before due to work. When I was coming home at 4:30 PM, with about 20 hours of being awake under my belt, some little bald guy started talking to me on the train. I responded a few times, but found it hard not to just roll my eyes back and say "MY BRAIN IS SOLIDIFYING" because that's the phrase that had been my main concious thought, constantly, for three hours previous to my exit of the courthouse.
Sometimes, with the word "HELP" stuck on the front.
Why is it crazies on the train always want to know what you do for a living and which town you work in? Are these the two vital facts they need to recalibrate their tinfoil hats that night and pick up your brainwaves? If so, I say "Nice try! My solidified brain, I'm sure, gave off waves of particularly poor flavor and intensity!"
Someone seems to have eaten a sandwich on my homework, rendering it unfit for turning in.
OK, tell me someone taped Enterprise last night, because we in podunk, oregon don't get UPN! DAMN!
I watched that show for about 15 minutes. I turned it on right when the "lather-up" scene started. The only names I heard were "Kronos" and "Klang", so I decided to shut it off while I was still ahead.
The irony, or coincidence!, of mentioning star trek beneath an article about time travel is delicious! Because, if Star Trek goes two consecutive weeks without time travel/alternate dimensions, the writers' heads EXPLODE. God, I wish.
Of course, name a sci-fi show that DOESN'T obsess on those themes.
I haven't seen a whole lot of "Farscape", but the few episodes I've seen, have involved alternate versions of the Moya, being back in time and not trying to change the future, etc. A good show, I should watch it more.
The very premise of "Lexx" is that there are two universes. Though it's a silly show, and I probably shouldn't bring it up (as much as I'm careful to catch it whenever possible).
"Doctor Who"? All right then.
"Red Dwarf"? By episode two they were encountering future echoes.
"Babylon 5"? Not a whole lot of time travel with the exception of the Babylon 4 / Valen mess. But since that was supposed to be the BIG WHIZ-BANG SHOCKING TWIST ENDING to the series (and clumsily foreshadowed throughout I might add), we can legitimately say that B5 was significantly about time travel.
Methinks the big objection to "Star Trek", in general, is that nobody wants to be seen as overly enthusiastic, lest they be called a Trekkie. The fact is, some of the Treks were better than others, but overall they've been pretty damn good.
Trek: I like the original series and early Next Generation (it went downhill when they changed the uniforms and Riker grew a beard). Voyager and Deep Space 9 I can do without, same with later Next Generation.
The best time travel stories of all are in Connie Willis's novels, which as far as I know have not been put to screen yet.
Dr. Who is excellent and I wish it were present in greater quantities on video store & library* shelves.
* When you call the Camden County Library and get the menu system, the guy who was chosen among all the other employees to lend his golden pipes to the recording says "Welcome to the Camden County Liberry." Some day I'm going to go in and ask to speak to the head liberrian.
I've got the new Tenacious D CD!
The Nadsat word of the day is millicent: n. policeman.
Enjoyed the essay, Matie. It's one of your friends from the real world. Will you ever get this message? I don't know. Just remember...
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!
