Journal of Justice!
too lazy for vigilante justice?
Tuesday 23rd October
Evening
Someone is stealing my newspaper.
Usually, it's delivered to a numbered metal clip on the sheltered outside wall of my apartment building. It arrives shortly after 4 AM, which I've deduced from one night up too late and several days up too early. This past Friday, Saturday and Tuesday, it didn't arrive at all.
I was out of town at the H.P. Lovecraft Film Festival over the weekend, so I asked my neighbor Lee to pick in my newspaper Saturday and Sunday. I checked for my newspaper at about 7:30 on Friday, and it wasn't there. I was annoyed, but not too concerned, as I was leaving town in a little bit and had a lot of other stuff to do. When I returned, I found that he'd only managed to get the Sunday paper.
Monday I half-awoke around 5 AM and stumbled to the bathroom. Afterward, I thought to grab the newspaper before I returned to my bed. My door is right next to the main door, so I only have to take a couple of steps out, crack the door and grab the paper.
This morning I did not exceed my bladder capacity until later, so when I reached out for the paper around 6:30 AM I was sorely disappointed.
My paper here went missing once before, on September 12th, the day after all the unpleasantness. At first I thought they were scrambling to print a special edition, but the complex manager said that she had gotten hers. She seemed disproportionately upset that someone had taken my newspaper, but I figured that these were mitigating circumstances. The next day, the newspaper featured a printed American flag insert; mine was missing.
I hesitate to blame that on theft, though, lest I sound like a paranoid.
I have a theory on these recent heists, though. The thief, emboldened by easy newspaper pickings on Saturday (as Lee probably forgot until the afternoon or so), has been stopping by my door on his way to/from work in the early morning. If there's a paper there, he takes it.
I called the newspaper, just in case; they agree that the problem is post-delivery.
Options:
- Write a note to the newspaper thief.
Easy to put in motion, but more suited for a cranky 65-year-old woman than for me. Also, the newspaper thief probably does not have much of a conscience to nudge.
- Make booby-trapped paper.
I do have a mercury switch and a buzzer somewhere around here, but making booby traps is hard. No guarantee that I'd hear it, and I'd probably lose my device. Very classy, though.
- Get up at 4:30 daily, foil thief by picking in paper early.
This is the great big cowardly way to do things and hence earns my approval, but then again, waking up is hard. If I'm going to set paper thief traps, fine, but I'm not waking up early every damn day to get my damn paper, damnit.
- Hide in the bushes all night with a claw hammer.
Very impressive gesture, but it's cold and I do not want to be arrested. I'd probably snap half an hour too early and bludgeon the paperboy to death instead.
- Hide in bushes, starting 4:30 AM, with camera in hand, pepper spray in pocket and 24 oz. claw hammer resting at feet, just in case.
Hmm.
Tuesday 23rd October
Evening
Refined plan while looking for bushes in which to hide, as it turns out that there are not bushes as many and as near as I'd previously thought. Besides, where would I rather crouch nervously for a few hours in the ungodly early morning, outside my building where it is cold and wet and there are enormous spiders, or in the hall where it is warm and there are chairs and smaller spiders? Also, I could read crime fiction!
*** Now talking in #thingsihate
<sean> hello annna
<annna> Howdy!
<annna> I am planning the end of the newspaper thief!
<annna> It involves a HAMMER.
<sean> hm
<annna> Setting alarm for 3:45 AM, getting paper, attaching tiny string.
<annna> String goes into hallway, attaches to brightly colored piece of paper.
<annna> I sit in hallway, reading trashy true crime novel.
<annna> Paper moves. I yank hall door open, take photos of paper thief.
<annna> Then I probably get bludgeoned to death.
<sean> where does the hammer come into play?
<annna> I have it next to my chair, just in case.
I figure I can either yell at the thief or threaten to take the pictures to the apartment manager unless my newspaper is unmolested. Probably just ambushing him and taking pictures will be enough to scare the crap out of him, but I'll still develop the pictures in case my tires develop a case of the stabs.
Wednesday, 24th October
Morning
(Early)
Alarm rings at 4AM. I successfully silence alarm and retrieve paper. Standing on the doorstep, blinking in the chill predawn air for fully a minute, I say, "Guh."
After which I reset my alarm and return to bed.
Thursday, 25th October
Morning
(Less early)
Retrieve paper, swap inner section for inner section of yesterday's newspaper with thread sewn down the middle for security. Thread feeds through gap in weather-stripping and is tied to radioactive pink advertising circular (auto glass) for visibility.
Sitting in a chair in the open door of my apartment, I read Ross Macdonald's Sleeping Beauty. I read for an hour before realizing I have no idea who most of the characters are, and that this is largely because at least half of the time I have been reading with my eyes closed.
One hour of stakeout is probably a good beginning for a junior crimestopper. I retrieve the decoy paper and return to bed.
Friday, 26th October
Morning
(Much less early)
Awake. Newspaper. Vengeance?
Meh. Going back to sleep.
Saturday, 27th October
Morning
(Not early)
Today's newspaper is unmolested, indicating that oversleeping the justice mark today was not too big a problem.
Sunday, 28th October
Morning
(Early, but only for Sunday)
News Sunday newspaper, with tempting coupons and colorful comics section, is still here.
By now it has become painfully obvious that I have inadvertently solved my problem, using the weenie method after all; by picking in the paper insanely early for three days, I have sent my newspaper thief towards pastures less frequently mowed.
And I never got to use my camera or be involved in either end of an impromptu bludgeoning.
Feh.
I can definitely see why Batman takes a more proactive stance towards crimefighting.