By: staniel [2001-11-02]

How Insane People Get
Here, Part IV

I'm the, um, Log Lady.

You heard me.


Annna sent me a ton of referrers. I have not necessarily picked the best, just those upon which I could comment.

Stendahl+Syndrome
I+am+looking+for+a+clown+that+is+sitting+on+half+of+a+moon
clown+holding+cigar+painting
metal+head+stereotypes
it's+a+hard+knock+life
difference+between+goths+metalheads
difference+between+goths+mall+goths
willingboro+ass
can+goths+like+Slipknot


And I do love the recognition.

pelfreez+rabbit.com
www.all+relating+to+bestiality.com
www.insane+horse+fucking.com
mary+kate+and+ashley+.+com+in+panties


It has been mentioned that people who are unfamiliar with search engines will type in random phrases and questions. Even worse to me are the people who think a .com tagged onto the end of a phrase (or jumble of loosely-related words) equals the url the person in question wanted. For some reason, this seems to happen to zoophiles especially.

annna+born+truwe

LOTS of searches for Annna. I don't know what this particular possible stalker was doing with the "born" thing.

people+being+mean+to+people+on+hate+mail

You idiots! That's not what hate mail is for.

interstitual+cystitis

I LOVE THAT SONG

Dorm+refrigerator+started+hissing

STAB IT BEFORE IT ATTACKS

ten+ton+hammer+at+the+pound+tonight

So spay and neuter your pets, people!

international+law+regarding+spies

CONTEMPLATING A CAREER CHANGE?

women+fucking+with+robot

Ben will tell you, you don't want to fuck with the robots!

I+WANT+TO+SEE+THE+MOST+SEXY+GIRL+WEAR+NOTING
i+want+to+see+the+babies+with+big+pussies
Pictures+of+Women+with+their+pussies+hanging+out
pictures+of+people+having+sex+in+human+poop
fucking+nurses+in+hospitals
shave+my+cunt&first
plastic+bag+fetish
naked+cartoons+with+weapons+porn
how+to+shave+my+vaginas
those+damn+women+and+their+vaginas
FREE+CHEERS+PUSSIES+PICTURES
gallery+for+children+fucking+children
big+gay+hairy+grandfathers
pictures+of+clothed+women+looking+at+naked+guys
Black+men+owning+white+sissy
nude+naked+ricki+lake


Ooh er. I am especially not sure about the cheers one there - a lisping typist "Three cheers for pussy pictures" or are we looking for spread-eagle Rhea Perlman?

impregnate+my+white+wife

Please? I never really liked Henny Youngman.

can+the+brown+stuff+in+my+meth+pipe+be+smoke+again

Can you get it to combust or evaporate or whatever meth does? If so, probably, but watch out for

retracting+penis

whatever+the+hell+youwanna+type+in
where+can+i+get+an+answer+because+Jeeves+doesn't+know+shit


Search engines are harder to use than I thought.

designer+hooch+clothing

Did you try Joyce Leslie?

lesbian+party+pak+-karaoke

Damn it, Kimberly! I told you to get one without karaoke!

poop+in+toilet

That's where it goes. Actually I think this might have been an image search.

i'm+not+a+goddamned+heliophobe

THEN NEITHER AM I.

petey+liberal+socialist
the+wanderer+in+the+battle+of+maldon
what+do+fake+breasts+feel+like
aliens+with+rabbit+ears
lunchmeat+horror
ukulele+hipster
vaginal+depth+AND+penis
don't+tread+on+me+flag
CHIP+SATANIST+FAIR
aliens+are+fat
selling+points+of+instant+noodles


Almost, but not quite!

rocket+chair
rabbit+paprikash
townie+kill
rocket+chair
possum+love
re-animation+of+dead+bodies
Pictures+of+Nog
the+statement+of+Randolph+Carter+for+kids
wolfenstein+songs
nelda+nockbladder+walkthrough


Welcome, friends!

i+get+blamed+for+everything
cemetery+well+water+is+tastier
Come+I'll+play+my+tastey+game
too+tight+during+sex,+it+hurts+being+a+virgin
i+remember+getting+a+soap+stick+suppository
i+feel+like+a+loser
reminds+me+of+dr.+smith+from+lost+in+space


My favorites are the random statements that don't really indicate that a person was looking for something so much as trying to have a conversation.

big+big+big+boobs+tattoos+women

No, bigger! I said BIG BIG BIG, not just BIG BIG!

keep+my+ex+boyfriend+in+the+closet

This is either the plot of a gay romantic comedy or a true crime novel.

the+correct+way+to+put+on+a+bra

Put your convexities into its concavities. I'm a boy and even I know that.

i+show+the+boys+my+knickers

Ruthie, are you still out there? I think this one is yours.

A+cannon+pointing+straight+up+that+is+on+a+moving+boat
+shoots+a+ball.++Where+will+the+ball+land


Hey, do your own homework.

my+little+pony+skins
do+masons+ride+a+goat
block+of+cheese+the+size+of+a+car+battery
tampons,the+kind+you+drive+in+with+a+hammer
half+ogre+cock
conan+o'brien+babies+tied+to+blocks
Pictures+of+my+first+pap+smear
Shark+intestine+on+a+shovel
planet+urine+customer+complaints
diaper+story+lost-in-space
how+to+beat+the+shit+out+of+a+plastic+egg


When I'm feeling sad, I like to think about some of these searchers. Thank you, crazy. The world is a better place because you are in it.

hot+sluts+from+jersey
fugidaboutit


No, no, no. It's fuh-GED-a-bow-did. Ask the hot sluts, they'll tell you.

why+is+my+vagina+and+anus+dark
WHAT+IS+THIS+SMALL+BUMP+ON+MY+ARM
my+nose+is+bleeding


I recommend the attention of a medical professional. Unless you've got a bruise under your thumbnail.

hitler+turnip

Best crafts project ever.

picture+of+a+steamy+cup+of+tea
Pictures+of+neighbours+getting+along


And finally, some soothing imagery to help you wind down and forget the naked shitting tentacle clowns you'll be dreaming about tonight.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST YOUR MONITOR [2001-11-02 01:57:29] staniel
Width will return to normal in the morning.
skewed results [2001-11-02 01:58:32] Lou Duchez
But as of now, all those phrases will successfully bring up at least one page (this one). So while we're at it:

Superman gay Lister hentai rectum Mrs. Butterworth incontinent L. Ron Hubbard
HA HA! [2001-11-02 02:17:07] staniel
Yes! Fixed! And with only good, kind, understanding Lou as witness to my shame!
The Masque of Owls [2001-11-02 03:10:17] Jacques Kitsch
Ha! This morning without even yet any sunlight, someone has parked a car all wired-up with grenades! So, the bomb squad is yukking it up
with coffee and donuts and Bavarian Creme Pies! Peasants!
I want to see pictures of alligators in farmer pants wearing straw hats.com
"Owls"
How utterly splendid [2001-11-02 04:45:15] Wady
I'm intregued by the My Little Pony Skins. presumably they give a tough flexable plastic layer, ideal for use in rain coat manufacture. with a couple of tufts of virralently-coloured hair at either end.

How would you get them though? hunting My Little Ponys is not a job for the inexperianced or poorly equipedfew people have the training, the skills, the knowledge of their prey, and the commitment. I'm not one of them, but if anyones got a my little pony skin rug they want to sell...
shame in abundance [2001-11-02 06:00:05] Lou Duchez
Well, Staniel, I too am shamed by this article: one of those search entries was mine. Guesses, anyone?
Oh! Oh! I know which one! [2001-11-02 07:53:58] Danielle
It's gotta be the "rabbit+paprikash" one!
too smart for Canadians [2001-11-02 08:10:45] Lou Duchez
I was hoping that I wasn't that obvious, but ... yup, score one for the lady from Up North.
Ooops ... [2001-11-02 08:12:00] Lou Duchez
... I meant that Canadians are too smart for me.

The fact that I could screw up such a simple sentence only proves the point.
Stalkers? [2001-11-02 08:22:21] Matie
I'm kinda creeped out by the "annna+born+truwe" one. Unless they're referring to the excellent feature film B.O.R.N. starring Russ Tamblyn.
Also, shaving my vagina_s_?
be not creeped out, citizen! [2001-11-02 08:43:46] Lou Duchez
Remember: any search containing the phrase "Annna" is likely a search for an article she wrote, not an attempt to compromise her privacy.

Fear not, I am on patrol.
lucky. [2001-11-02 09:14:33] noisia
you've got the good stuff, all my search engine referrals seem to be centered around nasal sex with children. see for yourself: http://extremetracking.com/open?login=noisia . i got a MASSIVE 2 uniques yesterday. woo woo.
Jack Black [2001-11-02 09:38:44] Jacques Kitsch
I saw a preview for the new Jack Black movie, and I am more than glad that he is getting work, but he entire premise of the film that he is dating fat chix thinking that they are foxy just because he's not shallow and knows deep within the cockles of his heart of hearts that deep inside every fat chick there is a skinny chick yearning to be free so the party hats are only a ruse or perhaps a discarded popcorn bucket.
i was almost about ready to feel unloved... [2001-11-02 17:16:14] buzz
and then i saw that at least one of the insane people found my "my little pony" story. thanks God. anything to make the insane a little more insane.

-adam
tampons [2001-11-02 23:07:55] staniel
I found out that was a search for an old joke/urban legend:

A clerk in a supermarket is scanning the various items in a woman's cart when he gets to a box of Tampax that won't ring up. He turns on the PA and says, "Price check on Tampax Economy Pack". A co-worker mishears "thumbtacks" for "Tampax" and yells back from the aisle, "The kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Ba-dum ching.
Octogenaratrics [2001-11-02 23:21:11] Jacques Kitsch
This eighty year old guy was feeling "lucky" so he goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a dozen condoms. The clerk says, "That'll be $12.95 with tax." The old guy says, "Skip the tacks, I'm going to tie them on with string."
damn dirty dsl [2001-11-04 18:27:50] Sean
seems to be going down a lot lately. for longer periods of time. i'll inquire about that.
.. [2001-11-04 18:43:54] noisia
HEY MISTER DSL MAN GET READY FOR A FACE PUNCHING YOU WONT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FORGET!
log lady [2001-11-20 01:21:55] Sean
love that log lady 'yes' goddam 'magic quotes'
sex [2001-12-02 07:38:30] kevin
hurry up
I think I might love you. [2005-09-28 00:29:03] Crystal
That is all.
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