By: The Editors [2001-11-16]

Petey Essay Contest: Results

the rabbitly anticipated conclusion


Hey, I can illustrate ANYTHING with Petey!


As you know, we recently held a Petey Essay Contest in hopes of capturing the true spirit of the rabbit boy.

Here are the entries, in the order in which we received them:

From: Lou Duchez

Petey is the Christ-child, graciously receiving gifts of thigh, cottontail, and ear so that his divine stool may redeem us all.

From: Andrew

What Petey means to me in 25 words
Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat, Rabbit meat,

thank you

From: Sean
To: The Editors

> I don't have the heart to tell him that "rabbit meat" is TWO words.

I do.

From: The Editors

Hey ASSHOLE, that's 50 words, not 25. DISQUALIFIED.

Sincerely,
The Editors.

From: Andrew

No rabbit meat is one word.

From: Andrew

and don't fuck with me cause I got friends in city hall. friends with knives and chains

From: Andrew

any way that was two entries so just cut it in half

From: Noisia

CERTIFIED
NEED MORE RABBIT MEAT
"FARM RAISED"
HURTS SO MUCH
RABBIT
I LOVE YOU PATTY RABBIT MEAT
PEL-FREEZ
NEVER ENOUGH
KILL AND KILL AGAIN
BURNING


From: DeWalt Russ

***
Glorious innocent savage cannibal, himself America's evolved technological lagomorph; to cup manna in his sticky-soft grip-puffs: barterer, thief, trickster, jester; relentless capitalist demigod.
***

From: Andrew

Peter's cotton tail breaks from fresh earth, bounds left and runs across the plain. Shinny steel breaks new fur, right angle, blood flow. Antenna LUST


Oh, the judging went on all through the night! Lou set new standards of elegance and coherency, while Noisia reworked an old favorite. Andrew won points for tenacity and sheer volume, while DeWalt's self-shouldered burden of making it all one sentence attracted our inner geeks. Also, asterisks.

After much debating, we decided to settle this the traditional French thingsihate way: a complete and total wussing out.

That's right, you're ALL winners! All four of you who bothered to enter! Lou, Andrew, Noisia, DeWalt, email the Thingsihate Essay Contest Prize Commission with mailing addresses for your share of the original Peteys.

thingsihate.org: We're all about the love.
Researcheng the Rarebit [2001-11-16 14:45:10] Jacques Kitsch
I am finding out that the rabbit is more related to us than the rat.
So, it is no wonder that the rabbit died. When I was but a child, I was in the bargain basement of a department store where there were wonders such as painted turtles and albino pythons; it was an election year, so there were for sale many political buttons of every stripe. There was a button with a rabbit's foot, which was the one for me regardless of the political platform shoes. Also, there were some weirdos in Britain who followed the rabbit tracks in their fight against the invading Romans. There was a guy selling "smart pills" for $5. So, this other guy bought some of them, but when he looked at them, he yelled, "Hey! These are rabbit turds!" The rabbit turd salesman then says, "See? You are smarter already!"
sweet christ [2001-11-16 19:44:46] Sean
If you'll all think back to the last Petey contest, I refused to take the "you're all winners" route.

WUSSING OUT IS NOT THE THINGSIHATE WAY. GOD JESUS I HAVE BECOME OUTNUMBERED BY THE SISSY EDITORS. MY SWEET SWEET CREATION HAS FALLEN TO THE HANDS OF PEOPLE WHO CONSIDER EVERYONE TO BE WINNERS.
shhhhhh, Sean! [2001-11-16 20:46:25] Annna
It is a secret thingsihate trap! They send me their addresses, and then I drive the Bug over and show them my bag of doorknobs!
helping Sean feel better about himself [2001-11-16 20:59:26] Lou Duchez
Okay, consider me the only non-winner. There, now the wussification has been averted.

Hey, Green Lantern just engaged in an elaborate plan to rescue himself. It was amazing: first we see GL standing in the desert, immobilizing the Legion of Doom's headquarters. Then Superman bursts into the cell where the LoD is holding some of the Super Friends, and one of them is GL! Maybe someday I'll be a Super Friend and these things will make sense.

(Consider this my subtle reminder that the Cartoon Network's "Justice League" cartoon will be starting tomorrow -- it will almost certainly be worth staying home for.)
What the...?! [2001-11-17 11:10:33] staniel
Anyone remember Marvel's horrid What The...?! self-parody? Ugh. I read that a few times around the time I was big on Excalibur.

Come off it, I was 11. I got into my Jhonen Vasquez (HUR SO EDGY) comics in high school. Angry mallrat fanbase aside, those are some good comics. Also Roman Dirge's series Lenore, Dame Darcy's Meat Cake, and so on.

I was about to declare (as baby editor, time to go edit some babies... INTO MY STOMACH HUR) that the non-sequitur topic for the weekend has been picked, and it's comic books, but I can't remember if we've had a lengthy comic discussion before, so no mighty proclamations from me.
What the -- ?!?? [2001-11-17 12:36:18] Lou Duchez
I have just about every issue of "What the -- ?!??". I will give it this much: the first few issues -- like maybe the first four -- made me laugh out loud at least once per issue. But it didn't take long for the "comedy" to decline to the point of absolute ineptitude.

Issues 3 and 4 featured the "Mutant Beach Party", which was a parody of the (at the time) recent big X-Men / X-Factor / New Mutants crossover. They did a pretty commendable job of taking jabs at the standard devices in mutant comics, and remaining funny in the process.

Issue 2 (I think) had John Byrne doing a Fantastic Four vs. Superman story. My favorite observation was: it's impossible to write "funny" Ben Grimm dialogue and not have it sound authentic.
uhhh [2001-11-17 14:23:43] staniel
He was The Thing, right? MY TOUGH CRUSTY APPEARANCE HIDES MY TOUGH CRUSTY PERSONALITY.
tragic misshapen hero trivia [2001-11-17 15:21:04] Lou Duchez
Yup, Ben Grimm is The Thing.
But... [2001-11-17 16:41:54] Jacques Kitsch
the bird is the word
Justice League cartoon - quick review [2001-11-17 17:37:17] Lou Duchez
The cast: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Flash, Green Lantern, Hawkgirl. Plus Snapper Carr as a reporter.

Good points:

- J'onn J'onnz. Any cartoon with the Martian Manhunter is defined as good.

- Finally, a competent Green Lantern. In the past, GL has been pretty pathetic, getting whacked in the head by owls and letting Kairo ride around on his ass. But this one (John Stewart -- the architect, not the talk show host) seems to know what he's doing.

- At least three characters (Batman / GL / MM) seem to have enough brains to actually plan two steps ahead.

- Good male/female balance. Only two females -- Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl (Shayera Hol, apparently) -- but they are enormously competent.

- Every team needs a weak link -- a character who's just too impulsive for plans to work properly. They picked the Flash (probably Wally West) for this role; good choice.

- I laughed out loud twice, at things that I'm sure they intended me to laugh at. It's not like Aquaman was there, making you laugh every time he tries to stop crimes.


Bad points:

- I'm a little disoriented by some of the character liberties they took. What's Shayera Hol doing on earth without Katar Hol? Why does John Stewart remind me more of a drill sergeant than an architect? I'm just geeky enough to have trouble with that, but that's just me.

- Superman keeps forgetting about half of his powers; but then again, if he actually remembered that he had both super speed and heat vision, he'd be utterly unstoppable. From a storytelling standpoint, it needs to be done, I guess.


Final analysis:

This ain't your parents' Superfriends.
Well [2001-11-17 19:17:05] Sean
The domain has official expired, and I haven't heard peep from Network Solutions.

Wonder what will happen! We may be in for a ride.
Lemonides [2001-11-17 20:27:09] Jacques Kitsch
Big Meatier Shower Tonite!
Uh oh... [2001-11-17 23:29:16] DeWalt Russ
So do you guys have a contingency plan if the domain defaults?

What will I do for my Petey fix?
Ummm... [2001-11-18 10:45:18] Jacques Kitsch
alt.binaries.petey.moderated?
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