By: Sean
[2001-12-04]
The Great Bacon Experiment Day 2
I'm going to be perfectly honest with all of you. This isn't pleasant.
I'm going to be perfectly honest with all of you. This isn't pleasant. Late last night, in fact, in a moment of weakness (and extreme queasiness), I seriously considered calling the whole thing off. It wasn't until a 2 a.m. pep talk from staniel that I decided to keep on going.
I feel better today. I am better. Bacon is making me better. My body is adapting. Much like filling your lungs with liquid oxygen, an all-bacon diet is just as difficult to adjust to yet, once you have adjusted, just as efficient.
Another two pounds, another two brands:
Daily's and
Farmer John's. Never have I heard of either of these brands, which is why I thought they might go well together. Apparently it's an industry-wide standard to distribute bacon in packages of one pound each. The Daily's package had a picture of a bee holding a wand. The Farmer John's package sported the visage of none other than Farmer John himself.
You may noticed that the Daily's package proclaims that their bacon has been "rubbed with pepper," and I can't help but wonder who it is that scored the job of bacon rubber down at the Daily's plant. Whoever he is, he must be the happiest man on earth. A job rubbing bacon would probably be fulfilling enough to outweigh the non-stop jibes from friends and acquaintances about you spending all day "rubbing the bacon."
The Farmer John's package is easy to comprehend. He's just a happy, good looking feller who likes his bacon, and is leaning over the packaging to give us a smile. He knows that we, like him and his kin, are simple folk who like simple things, like hickory-smoked bacon.
The Daily's package, however, leaves one with many questions unanswered. Why is the bee holding a wand? What do wands -- or bees, for that matter -- have to do with bacon? And most importantly, why was "bacon rubber" never listed in the results of my career assessment tests from high school?
While I am confident that, just like information mined from the cosmos through means such as great Hubble Telescope, the results of this experiment will require years of study upon its completion. And as with all things scientific, the more we learn the less we may really know.
Vitals:
Weight: Unchanged.
Complexion: Improved.
Chest pains: None.
Brain worm seizures: None.
Hallucinations: None.
In the interest of baconology, I beg that you don't actually try to fill your lungs with liquid oxygen!
Because either you are going to freeze stiff (which will seriously hinder the progress of the Bacon Week) or go *pop* as the oxygen expands (with the same ultimate results, ie. no more Bacon Week). Maybe both simultaneously.
"Assistant Bacon Rubber for the masses..."
... I think he just ate Petey and is picking his teeth with an antenna!
Bastard!!
I've heard that some hogs are fed gobbidge that contains old bits of tyres, and I've had some bacon that tastes like rubber. Some deluxe pigs, they "finish feed" them with corn, or special feed so they taste better. Some hogs here are finished on peanuts and apples. I was channel-switching early AM and clicked by Jay Leno in hopes of seeing the two really dumb chicks, but Jay was saying that he ate THREE POUNDS O' BACON! He said that there was about a quart of grease left over, so each lb. of bacon is maybe a half lb. of food; but 3lbs!
What's up with this bacon craze, anyway!?!? But if Amway makes bacon, I'm not going to try it.
Are they telling us the truth? is the immage on the pacageing of "Farmer John" himself? or an imposter? a younger, bette-looking man? some passer by off the street? What is a pig farmer doing with a scythe? is he harvesting GM-pig-wheat? Is there a vast conspiricy to feed people bees? do bees mean Hivez? has Hienz Beans spread far enough that anyone got that? The people deserve to be told!
That's not a scythe. It's a pig-stickin' stick.
We have faith in you, you can do it!
In the interests of recorded posterity, Sean, you may want to add a question mark to the last sentence of the first paragraph of the Bacon Week intro; and the first sentence of the fourth paragraph of Day 2 for some reason ends in a conjunction.
When I get bored I get hungry, and I am oft bored at work (work being in a fast-food joint). Anyway, the food there is plentiful, including peppercorn bacon--two strips with a slice of swiss and some honey mustad: dee-lish! But with school limiting work hours I don't think my bacon consumption really exceeds the RDI. Hey, how about a tally of the amount of paper towel you're going through?
I see I've been listed in the links--so I'd better replace that picture of El Gran Pozo with something more interesting. I like the new format.
The comment page automatically goes back to the article!
I'd say that bee is conducting the bacon. Why would bacon need conducting? Why would a bee be conducting it? I think each question answers t'other: it cannot presently be said why bacon might need conducting, but should it (as it clearly does), something as nonsensical as a bee should probably be doing the conducting.
Pig-stickin' stick? I think you mean a poleaxe, which is different from a poll-axe, in case you were wondering.
Poleaxe, pig-stickin' stick, or three foot long sausage - whatever it is, it's for making the pigs bleed like the proverbial stuck pig.
"Bleed, boy!"
"H'yulk, he be bleedin good now, boss"
In other news, that's not a bee. It's a winged grub. Everyone knows bees don't wear white gloves after Labor Day. If you notice the crazed look in the grub's eyes, you'll realize that he is in fact snorting powdered bacon to get a cholesterol high. That is a straw he's holding.
Alternately, he could be disguising himself as a mosquito and he's removed his faux mosquito needle to reveal to us his true nature.
We'd wait until after Christmas, but before New Years to slaughter pigs, so that it would be nice and cold. We'd get a big tub of water boiling to scald them to clean them and to make it easy to scrape the off the bristles. We'd shoot them in the forehead with a .22, then cut their throats to let them bleed. Then we'd cut them under the achilles tendon, and put a double-ended pointed stick called a gambling stick through their back legs and hoist and hang them to let them bleed out. Then one guy would hold a bushel basket and another guy would split the pig's belly, and the insides would all fall into the basket. We'd cut-up the pigs for hams, bacon, roasts, ribs, and also run some through the grinder for sausage. We had a smoke house where the hams and bacon were hung up to smoke and season with lots of salt and smoke from hickory, apple, and persimmon wood. We'd hang a big slab of bacon in the cold cupboard, and when we wanted bacon, we'd slice some off as thick as suited us. Bacon and bizkits and tomatoes! Oh, my! And homemade apple butter. The chickens sometimes lay eggs with two yolks. The milk from the cows is so rich that cream will rise to the top to skim off. When the potatoes grow eyes, you can cut them into pieces, lime them, and hoe them into rows to grow more pototoes, much better than store bought.
I think that Alex Chiu guy might be a fraud! The invention that allows humans to live forever is a bellybutton!
Jonas, you're a goddam prince.
Lots of bacon means lots of bacon fat which probably means lots of congealed bacon fat. Are you planning to make medals or trophies or the Grand Unified Theory (Of Bacon) or some other form of commemorative artwork with the immense quantities of bacon you've got left afterwords and sell it on EBay? Because I'm pretty sure it's what the people want.
Save your bacon fat!
We need it for the war effort!
Is that like chicken twins? I imagine chickens who are sold to different farms and one freaks out when the other is slaughtered, miles away.
Two yolks is not twin birds; the yolk is not the actual developing bird, but instead food for it to eat.
I'm only pretty sure of this though, not a million-percent totally positive.
once when at my grandma's house my mom was making breakfast and found three eggs in one carton with double yolks. BELIEVE IT... OR NOT
