By: Sean
[2001-12-06]
The Great Bacon Experiment Day 4
you will one day look to me as a god
what did i say yesterday? was it less than praising of bacon and bacon's effects? well i was wrong. i was so wrong. i have thrown off my earthly contempt for consumption of the same pork product day after day and i now know the one true path to enlightenment.
i've achieved states of consciousness that people the likes of you can not even begin to fathom. i have transcended plateaus formerly known only to yogis and abusers of lysergic acid, waving at them with strips of crispy-cooked hickory smoked consciousness as i pass them by.
it's like that movie, 'lawnmower man'.. now, i only watched that once, years ago when it first came out, and to tell the truth my recollection is a little hazy, but i caught the gist of it. man gets all smart and everyone is scared of him 'cause he's just TOO DAMN SMART. he's the next step up the evolutionary ladder, and the neighbors are scared because they know they'll be squashed like the mere insects he sees them as.
and so should you all be scared. of me. and my bacon. the average person only uses 10% of his brain power, according to school children who want to sound smart. bacon is opening up door after previously-locked door in the long checkered-floor hallway of my mind. i see things. i know things. things you all can not possibly see or know or comprehend. i could tell you these things. i could tell you that today's bacon was
microwaveable. i could explain how i ate it cold. but there would be no point. none of you could possibly understand.
i am now seeking a potential mate to begin my line of bacon-eating supermen. interested applicants may email me at
the usual address. candidates need not eat bacon themselves. it doesn't matter, for after she's served her purpose she will be cast back down into the ranks of those who eat things other than bacon.
Vitals:
Weight: Perfect.
Complexion: Perfect.
Chest pains: Perfect.
Brain worm seizures: Perfect.
Hallucinations: Perfect.
Consciousness: ...
Sean,
Enough, already. Eat some vegetables. Think of your bowels, if you don't care about your coronary arteries! Fiber.
I think that you should buy some pork belly futures on the commodity market, then you can yell, "Pork bellies are up!"
"CME Pork Bellies"
Bacon has not made you a god. You are just hallucinating.
Now I understand the bee ... he is, in fact, the trickster god from a thousand Native American tales, leading you into delusion with pork products and his sacred Pixie Stick.
Repent, while there is still time! "The power of bran compels you!"
that there are only 3 more days of this.
You've probably already lost your hyphen,
but think of your semicolon!
FATHER! Thanks to the powers of Bacon, THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED!
I praise your devotion. If only my diabetes would allow for such a diet, I would join you in godhood!
what's all this talk about, "Sean's not god, eat some vegetables, you're hurting your body"!! maybe we are the ones who are wrong Sean is some sort of uber bacon god. mayeb lawnmower man was a look into the futur! OMG THEY WERE RIGHT!! IT'S ALL TRUE!!
sean, ignore these naysayers, they are just HOLDING YOU DOWN. you have reached a perfect state of zen. perhaps to metabolise the bacon better you can try some of the methods used for taking prescription drugs:
[from viceland.com]
?If they snort something they get, like, 55% of it. Smoke it they get 65%. Shoot it they get 85% ? but they have someone blow it up their ass, that?s an easy 95%. Right now, I?m working on a device to blow drugs up my own ass.?
?Nick, a prescription drug dealer.
When getting their prescription, most Yankees ask for it in capsule form, as taking a pill orally is the least effective way for drugs to hit their system.
Until Nick refines his method, kids will keep working the old stand-by. First, they take a McDonald?s straw (they?re oversized and exceptionally rigid) and, spreading their ass cheeks wide, they have someone slowly drive this well-lubed puppy about a couple inches in. Then they scoop a hit into a normal sized straw and slide that baby inside.
Most of this shit burns so these poor kids are doing coke first to numb their asses. Then who knows what kind of perverted sex acts they?re getting into.
A hallucinating, delusional, bad spelling monster! Grab your pitchfork and torch, we're storming the windmill!
i ran that baby through the spell checker before posting it and it came up clean, so back off veggie-eaters.
granted, star office's spell checker considers "wasn't" an incorrectly spelled word, so i don't know how trustworthy it is, but still.. i eat more bacon in a day than you do in a week, so you should be calling me "sir"
Inspiring! The story of a man who bucks the odds, defies convention, thinks outside the box and inside the package because there's bacon in there.
These pigs have not died in vain.
I'm confused by the "microwavable bacon." I thought all bacon was microwavable. That's how we made bacon for most of my childhood, at least. It involves a lot of paper towels.
That brings me to my next question: What is your usual method of bacon preparation? In the oven or in the pan? Or are you making bacon jerky?
How are you eating bacon at work? Did they let you plug in a hot plate, or are you bringing cold bacon in a sack, and if so, has anyone tried to steal it? Or are they afraid of your bacon powers?
I know I am.
The microwave bacon racks enable one to salvage most of the fat, and kind of keep the bacon flatter, not involving any paper towels. I'm starting to think of "Mr. Popiel" and hearing a Weird Al Bacon Polka. Bacon Waffles are good with maple syrup. I kind of pre-cook three half-slices and pur in a little batter, place the bacons and top-up the waffle griddle. I _do_ hope that someone quotes Francis Bacon before this is over.
I think that Sir Bacon was an alchemist of sorts
Experiments in Consort touching Sulphore and Mercury
"Bacon"
In answer to your questions, yes I suppose any bacon can be microwaved. This bacon, however, was specifically intended to be microwaved. It was pre-cooked, and it was like bacon you get on fast food hamburgers (really thin).
I've made bacon on the stove top, in the oven, in the microwave and on the George Foreman grill. I'm considering using the waffle iron. I'd use a toaster oven if I had one. Does someone want to buy me a toaster over? It'd be for science.
I've been going home for lunch. My co-workers tease me about having a secret special lady on the side. Little do they know, I do have a special lady, and her name is Bacon.
