By: Sean
[2001-12-07]
The Great Bacon Experiment Day 5
Come To The Light, O Eaters Of Bacon
O Beloved Readers, I apologize for yesterday's update. I realize I may have come off a tad... well, a tad pompous. But I assure you, it has passed. No, no, rest assured that I have in fact transcended planes and risen above those around me. But whereas yesterday I was prepared to accept my inevitable status as King of the World, I now welcome you into the the fold.
That's right. I am here to tell you all that you can join me on my pedestal constructed of empty bacon packaging. If you listen to my instructions and work them into your day-to-day life, you too can see what I see. You, too, can feel what I feel. Know what I know.
You see, it's not possible for me to tell you all of what has opened up to me. Imagine being a blind man, and all of a sudden you are an octochromat. It's an even more extreme change.
Here, my friends, is what you do: Go to Safeway. Purchase
bacon. Go to Albertson's. purchase
bacon. Repeat, day after day.
I warn you: It won't be an easy path. After the first day, you may feel sick. After the second day, you will feel weak and enfeebled. Leg cramps may occur. After day three, you will hate bacon but by day four you will feel the changes. It may be difficult adjusting to the new way in which you are capable of viewing the world. You may handle it badly. It's OK. All will be forgiven, for by day five your eyes will not only be opened but you will be filled with peace and love and the overwhelming desire to induct others into the ranks of the Enlightened Eaters of Bacon.
Join me, readers of thingsihate. Together, we can change the world. The doors to the temple are open, my friends, and you are all welcome inside.
I'm here for consultations and support.
Vitals:
All is well.
These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing. "Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?" And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them. The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."
Nicely done, Sean! I knew you could do it all along!
With all that bacon rolling around your system, it may be worth remembering one of the finest Saturday Night Live sketches ever: Miss Peggy Lee (or Nora Dunn as a reasonable facsimile) doing a musical ad for the National Bran Council. Tip: think of the song "Fever".
I never knew how stopped I was up
Kept on eating cheese all day
But when I put that bran inside me
That fiber did clear the way
Oh give me fiber, bulk and roughage
Fiber 'cause I want to feel light
Fiber in the morning, fiber 'fore I sleep at night
Just give me fiber
Incomplete evacuation
Makes us feel so out of sorts
Feels like something died inside us
Time to try some water sports
Oh give us fiber, bulk and roughage
Fiber 'cause we want to feel light
Fiber in the morning, fiber 'fore we sleep at night
Just give us fiber
Meats from yesteryear still bind us
Larded down and feeling blue
Spammy diverticulitis
Sweep me, Lord, through and through
Oh give us fiber, bulk and roughage
Fiber 'cause we want to feel right
Fiber in the morning, fiber 'fore we sleep at night
Just give us fiber
I know what's going on. Sean, your diet of bacon and water omits essential whiskey. You're not having visions of a better world, you're beset by delerium tremens. Snap out of it, man.
Bacon week is great and all, but I think rabbit meat week would have been more appropriate. Though instead of the divine architect of the future that you've become, you likely would have gone mad with rabbit, as Petey has. Perhaps rabbit meat is even more potent than bacon, and Petey knows something we don't...
Jabberwock
+ Good attacks (2d10+2d10+2d10+2d10).
+ Fast.
+ Excellent hit dice (15).
+ Good armor class (-2).
+ You can fly and eat all of the bacon.
- You will break your shirt, body armor, and cloak.
- Don't attack cockatrices.
that the antennae that Petey wears were only fashioned after he had passed the 5 day mark of the rabbit meat consumption ritual. Soon after he realized that he had to build a reciever to pull in all of the rabbit meat based messages he had been missing for the years previous to the experiment. The rabbit meat taught him how to build this reciever... in the form of "rabbit ears".... and his world was changed forever.
We only must worry about sean when he developes the curly-q tail reciever and bacon everywhere can whisper the sweet nothings of crisp pig secrets to him, wherever he goes.
Is there a point where just eating bacon would kill you?
Shouldn't there be someone NOT eating bacon living with you to verify that the visions you are having aren't just a gas leak in your house/card board box?
Will you go out with me?
Regarding one's eventual demise due to bacon ingestion, I would imagine after about a fortnight there's enough unsavoury little bacteria therin to do you a nasty mischief.
Cheers
Dunc
Lou:
You knew I could do it? That ain't the song you were singing on day three, encouraging me to turn back. I think you need to come into the light... the light that is bacon.
Dunc:
A fortnight, you say? Hmm...
It's worth a try, and no need to worry about those pesky bacteria.
The beacon of bacon beckons!
I must have a BLT!
If it's good enough for Sean
It's good enough for me
No more shall I eat chicken
I'll have no truck with fish
Hickory-flavored two-toned stripes
That is my only wish
An addict might want heroin
Perhaps cocaine or crystal meth
That might do the trick for them
But give me bacon or give me death!
Or, perhaps, receive me both
If be our Dunc correct!
so that's a product of canada? i've only ever seen albertsons in the states. also safeway bacon is totally ass. way more fat than you need. and i need lots.
Depends if you cook them or not, of course, but I'd not eat two week old bacon either way.
