By: Lou Duchez [2001-12-29]

Undersea Nightmare - Part Twelve

I think I may be able to help.

Untersee NACHT...something German, I guess.

Biff, the strongman of the Sea Devils, bolted into an alcove just in time to elude the squadron of Talk Show Host Bizarro Jesii. He desperately tried to catch his breath as he checked his weaponry: almost out of bullets, and only a small dagger in his boot for hand-to-hand combat.

"Of all da humiliating ways to go, I gotta be chased down by a bunch of hacked-off Jesuses," cursed Biff. "I shoulda never let dem know I was a Leno kind of guy."

Suddenly a sweet, soft voice spoke. "Is someone there?" Biff squinted into the darkness of an adjoining hallway to see a beautiful young woman. "Please, answer me if you're there."

"Keep yer voice down, dere's a bunch of guys wit guns running around here," whispered Biff. "What are you doing here? Are you anudder one of dese Mary Magdalenes?"

"Oh no," replied the lovely woman. "My name is Alicia Masters. My father was a scientist, doing research here until...." She turned away and took a moment to compose herself. "Daddy was always protective of me, because I'm blind. But I know the castle well enough to get along by myself."

Biff, his heart softened by the vision of beauty before him, moved closer and touched her hand. "Look, we gotta get you outta here, yer made for better stuff than what's gonna be happening in a few minutes." She gently touched his face; Biff recoiled for a moment, but stopped himself. "You have a kind, gentle face," she reassured him. "Don't be afraid."

"I'm ... sorry, but it's been a long time since anyone has been able to look at me and not see ... a monster," he said, thinking back to the radiation accident that turned him into the hideous hulking Biff.
Suddenly embarrassed, he changed the topic: "Anyway, dere's gonna be a hit squad of Jesuses coming through here any moment and I don't think I can stop 'em, so you'd best get away from here."

Alicia took Biff by the hand and led him down a corridor. "Don't worry, I think I may be able to help. Daddy was working on a weapon in his lab, but he never got a chance to use it."

Biff's eyes widened as he saw the weapon before him: some sort of energy discharge device, made of a shiny material he'd never seen before. "Daddy called it the Pilatizer," Alicia explained. "He told me that all you have to do is point it at a messianic target and it will be condemned out of existence." Biff picked up the weapon just as he heard dozens of Jesii running down the corridor.

Biff's mouth slid into a wicked grin. As the sea of Bizarro Jesii stormed into the lab, the air echoed with Biff's battle cry: "It's bifurcating time!"

TO BE CONTINUED

Leno?? [2001-12-29 05:53:41] Jacques Kitsch

A Leno kinda guy?
OK
That rips it.
I'm a Letterman kinda guy!!
Death to Oprah!

the dilemma that is Biff [2001-12-29 07:09:38] Lou Duchez

I had absolutely no idea what to do with Biff, but I noticed how Dane, Judy and Nicky resembled Reed Richards, Sue Storm and Johnny Storm. So it naturally followed that Biff = Ben Grimm.

Naturally, of course [2001-12-29 11:33:35] Jonas

Lou, I guess you're as giddy as a schoolgirl, re: the Spiderman, Hulk, Daredevil, X-Men, and Batman: Year One movies coming up, eh? I dunno, I guess I'm still holding out for a faithful The Mighty Thor. I think the Ninja Turtles are coming back, in fine computer-animated form. Radical! Actually, I guess They'll probably be dropping the late-eighties slang; I never saw TMNT III so I don't know in what colloquial directions the franchise was headed. Since Donatello was always so quiet and in the background he'll probably be black in the new film.

giddy as a schoolgirl, bladder like a woman [2001-12-29 14:11:53] Lou Duchez

Actually, the live action superhero movies are fraught with so many dangers, I don't look forward to them at all. I didn't like any of the Batman or Superman movies, and I doubt I will like any of the newcomers either.

The Spidey movie has two charms: Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker (absolutely perfect casting), and Kirsten Dunst (whom I never tire of seeing, on a number of levels). But it may or may not be any good.

To do justice to Thor, he'd have to talk like Olaf Swensen, not like John Rhys-Davies. But that's just my opinion on it. Annna, perhaps you could give some pronunciation tips to Fabio or whomever they cast?

What pleases me is the new Justice League cartoon, in terms of sheer potential: they've put together an excellent ensemble of heroes, with like actual personalities and things. However, they need to stop blundering all over the place, such as having the Martian Manhunter almost drown (dude, it's not like he has the opportunity to breathe Martian air even above the water), or having Aquaman's arch-nemesis Orm fall into a cavern below the North Pole (there's no craggy land mass below the polar ice cap, just water, which is notoriously non-fatal for Atlanteans).

Justice League [2001-12-29 19:00:34] Joe

Well... I'd say Justice League is at least 40% better than the original "Superfriends" in the blatant screw-ups department (Like when green lantern moved Earth out of the way of some asteroids... and then forgot to move it back into place). However, That was one of the many things that made the Superfriends great... that and the fact that people would constantly change shades of color... Genius!

Upcoming Movies [2002-01-05 02:43:39] Movie madness

If we look beyond the fact that there are grown men wearing spandex and styrofoam in these movies, and look at who's involved (and disregarding any crushes you may have on gaygay faggymcfag Tobey Maguire), we see that Batman: Year One is directed by none other that Darren Aronofsky, so clearly it'll be a winner. And this time, there's no Hubert Selby Jr. to fuck the movie into near-unwatchability, though maybe Tim Burton will try out for that role. Also, letting George Clooney play the Year One Batman is about as clever as giving in to Jack Nicholson's whiny demands for him to be allowed to play the Joker again would be. Sentence need parsing much?

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