By: Annna
[2002-01-14]
Being Sick
for DISTANCE
This ends somewhat disgustingly. Be forewarned.
I spent last week having bronchitis, as I sometimes do. Recently my colds have not been nose-based (as they were for my first two decades) but have tended towards the throat, lungs and ears. It's not an improvement, but it's nice to have variety. Anyway, I was cranky, sluggish and coughing.
I had the day off due to my hideous communicable illness, so I decided to spend it sleeping. Sleeping with periodic coughing into a wastebin and rehydrating, that is. Unfortunately, it began to pall around noon, so I had to get up.
It takes a while for me to boot even when in top form, so getting dressed and ready is a daunting task when ill. This was complicated by the fact that my DSL was back up, and I made the mistake of turning on my computer before I had taken a shower. Over the course of an hour, I managed to take off my pajamas and underwear and put on my robe and slippers. I was bookin'.
So there I was, sitting in front of the computer in a bathrobe, wondering whether I should put my contacts in or not. Suddenly, a violent coughing spell hit. I'd already been vomiting a couple times a day from coughing so much, so as I coughed and coughed I twisted in my chair, reaching for the trash can, just in case.
That's when I heard and felt a very peculiar sort of squish. I dragged the trash can over and spat a gob of green phlegm into it, then stood up to investigate.
If there's one thing I've learned about the female reproductive system, it's that it has a malicious sense of timing. Now I was leaking unpleasant substances from
both ends. Great. Oddly enough, there didn't seem to be enough womb scrapin's on my robe to be the source of the alarm I'd felt earlier.
I shrugged my shoulders and took this as an omen to take a shower already.
Half an hour later, warm, clean and momentarily decongested, I came out of the bathroom to get my shoes, last seen under the computer desk. While there, I found an interesting surprise.
In my printer tray, two and a half horizontal feet from where I'd been sitting when the coughing spell had hit, a blob of uterine lining the size of a matchbook lolled in a shallow lake of dead blood.
Two and a half feet.
That was the day I decided to have my cough looked at.
Referring back to a previous dream about computer waffles, I was amused the other night when on Letterman, he had some sort of computer printer that was outputting pancakes! Also, it reminded me of Judy Chicago for some reason.
"Dinner Party"
Annna, your honesty is both refreshing and revolting. Like a clamato. And a horrible and irrevocable association was just made there.
Anyway, if anyone's wondering, I know for a fact there was other stuff that could've been posted.
Although I am curious: with what did you clean your printer?
Hope you're feeling better!
Love that Annna. Keeps the site all updated and happy when the other editors are too busy, lazy, or lacking in wit and feminine organs. Or are in faraway lands, as I was and am lamentably no longer.
it's an honor to be present at the birth of a new extreme sport. i can see the mountain dew commercial now. the only problem is thinking of a name for it while the patents are pending. Labial Quadrathlon, PMS ICBM, Wombball, Hawk & Hurl, Ovarian Bazooka Blast... too many choices. as for rules, to keep things manageable i suggest that each game last precisely one period.
One local bar has a pickle-shooting contest
Eww. In my mind I'm going to edit that last sequence out.
Hope you're back in proper operating condition now, or at least close to.
How very revolting. I've a nasty bout of strep throat at the moment myself, so I'm just glad I'm not female. On a (vaguely) related topic, wouldn't choking on a pretzel be a great way for a president to go! Struck down by the humble breadmaker's art. Some english (or possibly Saxon) king died of that but I forget who.
dubya was only following the clumsy precedent set by Alfred the Great
"Alfred 'The Great', England
b 0848, , Wantage, Berkshire, England
d 26 Oct 0901, , Winchester, Hampshire, England
A legend tells how Alfred took shelter in the house of a peasant woman while he was fleeing in disguise from the Danes. The woman ordered him to watch some cakes cooking on the hearth. When he allowed them to burn, she scolded him severely.
Source: 'The World Book Encyclopedia', 1968, p A333."
moving from secular to religious potentates, after the "Pope Joan" fiasco, popes-to-be supposedly had to sit in a special chair... which might have helped annna in this situation, i dunno:
"...One example is the so-called chair exam, part of the medieval papal consecration ceremony for almost six hundred years. Each newly elected Pope after Joan sat on the sella stercoraria (literally, "dung seat"), pierced in the middle like a toilet, where his genitals were examined to give proof of his manhood. Afterward the examiner solemnly informed the gathered people, "Mas nobis nominus est" -- "Our nominee is a man." Only then was the Pope handed the keys of St. Peter. This ceremony continued until the sixteenth century."
It was some king who was accused of some thing or another and he told the barons (or whoever) something along the lines of if I be guilty let this bread choke me, which it duly did, thus neatly avoiding court costs. Cheapskate bastard! It tells all about it in "Three men in a boat", now I think of it.
maybe this is it... i hadnt heard that one before. from bartleby.com
"E. Cobham Brewer 1810?1897. Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. 1898.
Choke.
May this piece of bread choke me, if what I say is not true. In ancient times a person accused of robbery had a piece of barley bread, on which the mass had been said, given him to swallow. He put it in his mouth uttering the words given above, and if he could swallow it without being choked, he was pronounced innocent. Tradition ascribes the death of the Earl Godwin to choking with a piece of bread, after this solemn appeal. (See CORSNED.)"
hmmmm... a mass is said over the bread... leads to the unpleasant image that a vengeful Christ himself re-animates his transsubstantiated flesh and chokes the poor lying bastard from the inside.
Well I guess that proves Dubya has made a pact with the devil!
Amish "party pretzels" are more than 15 meters wide and weigh more than 3 tonnes!
Evidently, Judy Chicago did a bit called "Red Flag" protesting the absence of menstrual imagery in Art. I was looking for stuff about a belief that cycling women can prevent the proper fermentation of wine or keep bread from rising due to a natural antibody on their skin.
"Lore"
Actually, I had the paper guide flipped up, so it landed in the "in" tray. I just had to dispose of several pieces of paper.
I should probably point out that in my day-to-day life I spend most of my time fully clothed and pleasant and not violently excreting girl by-products into inappropriate containers. This was the (rather startling) exception that proved the rule.
Score one for thingsihate, anyway--take that, JennyCam!
Oy! This could generate another eBay auction!
Anna put the "can" in "candor."
There sure seem to be a lot of tribal variations and generally weird superstitions about womens functions. Primitive locals here have a plant, comfrey, that is good for lots of womens things. In Mexican ethnobotany there are "women's plants" also. Lots of women's things seem mysterious to men, I think. Once, I was in a women's rest room due to plumbing problems, and I noticed that the grafitti is different. On the inside of the door of one of the stalls, a woman had written in large letters: CRAMPS! You hardly ever see that in the Men's...
I HAVE A 13" TELEVISION
I can't speak for a sample of universities, but the stalls in the guys' bathroom in the SUB Building at UBC are covered floor to ceiling with Sharpie'd and Bic'd arguments and dissertations. It all tends to be fairly interesting, and kept me in the bathroom longer than I usually intended. I tried sparking some argumentative flames at my present school but was met with little success. Well, there were responses, but they all had to do with homosexuality. Not that I chose a very serious topic anyway.
In the 40's, the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it 'Bitch.'
That television thing reminds me of a Newfie joke. People collect pens, there are many on eBay. Currently, I'm interested in iridium points, osmiridium points, and the Iridum Pen Company, which I think is now defunct, or at least partially funct.
That was the lamest joke I've ever heard.
Hah! That's funny! Anime for everything! Jonas, but at least you heard that Newfie joke! They don't have Viking televisions here, so the joke doesn't work unless explained, in which case, it still doesn't work very well.
I don't understand why the girl's discharge is sparkly. I guess that's the culture gap rearing its ugly head.
but the escaping ghosts and bunnies do make sense? it's just the sparkles that get you? ok
Anyways, that Avalanche Hyacinthe is pretty spectacular. I wish that efforts would be made to classify and cross-pollinate and hybridize people to such an extent. Portland! City of Roses! Oh, well. One man's poison ivy is another man's spinach.
As welcome as projectile menstrual discharge in my printer tray, I just got a second junk e-mail meant for @thingsihate.org, this time to staniel@thingsihate.org. Is this happening to anyone else? And nothing to do with menstruation. But I did get an e-mail last week from no one I know asking me about pumpking consumption in the US.
It must have been the discharge of some passing Arab Camel Caravan, for certainly, it was not my camel. I hobble my camel with my turban tie, so, if you need to get to town, call a taxi; a Mercedes driven by an Iranian Sufi. Salami lick 'em. a' hai rabat mensuali. Bis millah arachnid pendejo.
There was a period where I was getting a lot of junk mail about "your site, thingsihate.org." I thought they got my address from the registrar, and that's how they know it was my site. Then staniel told me he got the same letters and I realized they just had some robot or something that stripped mailto: tags off the web.
I'm not sure what to do about it all. I don't want to have to hide email addresses. But I also don't want everyone who posts a comment to the site to be added to lists for mass-mailings. And I don't want to make some crappy web form for emailing other people on the site. What do you all suggest? What would make you all happy?
I think I'm coming down with Annna's devil sickness. Which is impressive since she's one whole state away. Actually this sounds different. Just a sore throat and sleepiness. The latter could be because it's 10:30 a.m. Still early.
What would make me happy? A bottle of vintage Amagnac, an 8-ball of Peruvian Lemon Flake coke, a quarter-pound of Michoacan bud, and a one-hour bj. And a cheeseburger.
I for one can live with it, this only being the second one I've gotten. I mean, received. Not as entertaining as "degrees from prestigious non-accredited universities", tho. I get them from TrafficMagnet regarding my online diary--cos I really wanna bolster traffic to that. S:/ Anyway, if it starts getting on people's pecs, extra characters could just be appended to the mailto tag, like "Hey, delete this crap if you seriously wanna e-mail me". Or "nospam". Whatever works.
I'm glad to see your post because it seems that all too often our male counterparts have all the fun telling gross stories.
In the spirit of female grossnesss, I submit the following short story about my arse:
I'm a college student, and I have a three hour night class every tuesday evening. The professor's something of a jackass and doesn't like to take a break in the middle. Well, before last class I apparently ate something that really disagreed with me because I had a good amount of gas rumbling about in my tum. I stuck it out for as long as I could, and finally excused myself to go to the ladies room when I could no longer contain myself.
I plopped down on the can, relieved to be able to let loose a good fart, but try as I might my ass wasn't letting go of that bubble. I sat there for a minute or two trying to coax it out when of course, someone else decided to walk in the bathroom just in time to hear my butt go off like a cannon. I don't mean one of those dainty little phfffbbt noises we girls try to stifle, no. I'm talking a BANG measurable on the richter scale, made even worse by the amplifying effect of the can.
I hid in the bathroom till whoever it was left.
I am natural honoured scientist. The new research of human gena code (decoding book of life) is my single and private research which is completed by me. The result about this research is based on reality and scientific informations, has been declared and passed to all concerned. Moreover I am the leader of super genetic technology. This technology is very very sensitive (universe) technology,which is gift of almighty God for the world leading development good-govern, health, peace and prosperity. This technology is need of every man woman and everything for development,hence it has been declared for the benefit of all humanity. The said technology is already checked internationally by scientist ( genetic experts ) considered best, useful and successful for all purpose in every field of life, which is also announced by ex-president USA at London on 26 june 2000. 200 books containing 500 pages each have been written in the light of my that scientific informative letter which I sent to the
president. This technology has been declared for the benefit of the humanity but it is being used for destruction,which is highly regretted on the part of world leaders rulers and planners. This act of jamming the reality is due to corruption in media which is major crime. In this regard I want to present my self and services. This issue is not discussable on internet and telephones etc. Arrangements for meeting to discuss this issue be made and informed. Thanks. Waiting for reply.
Dr Sher Afgan Khan natural honoured scientist
Email: sahuman2001@yahoo.co.uk
Phone: < 092-0927-220108, 092-0927-220141>
