By: staniel
[2002-01-16]
Cities I Have Loved
also hated
I've been doing a bit of travel in the past year or so, and so I present this handy travelogue.
I'll start in Philadelphia, PA, the nearest city to the two towns in NJ in which I've lived. Philly is a sewer. You can get good Italian food cheap, but it's got to be the deadest big city on the Eastern seaboard at night. The bars don't stay open very late, the local music scene is weak, and the only 24-hour eatery I've found is the South Street Diner, which is huge and loud but lacking in amusing patron antics. Nobody passes out in the bathroom (as has happened twice to members of dining parties of mine in NJ restaurants) or causes any amusing disturbance, they just holler. Its only saving grace is a fairly gang-free Chinatown. I am told by gay persons of my acquaintance that there is plenty to do in Philly at night, so I guess where you want to go and what you want to do makes all the difference. Rating: 2
Next is Columbus, OH, known for its policy of massacring hippies. The local newspapers announced when I was there last that it's the fattest city in America, and the local goth club, Outland, is hilariously located in a disused train caboose. I get the impression that the founders got a good deal on it from a theme restaurant that was closing. Whatever its origin, it makes for some humorous incongruity, and (I hope) a few cases of mistaken identity. "Table for four, please." "What? My dark soul is tormented by your attempt at family dining. HISS!" Rating: 17/20
Washington, DC doesn't seem to be a place where people would live. I liked the surrounding parts of Virginia better; stainless steel diners where the waitress, when engaged in conversation about how washing with soap ruins an iron griddle responds "Aw, we don't wash nothing with soap here" beats Georgetown's upscale shopping any day. Also, my guide, the infamous King of Prussia, kept pointing out places where crimes had occurred, and they seemed to encompass most of the city. Rating: D
Kansas City, MO was my most recent venture, while visiting
sally. It has food and SO EDGY places to go downtown and in Westport, plus better fast food than around here (I recommend the numerous Hi-Boy restaurants). Nearby Independence hosts a stairway FROM heaven; the Mormons believe it to be the site of the Second Coming and have graciously erected a spire with a staircase winding 'round so Christ can descend from the heavens in style. Rating: 1,000,000
And of course there's NYC, the ill-smelling, overrated, overpriced behemoth with insane traffic and total lack of parking. Cheap Indian food at 4 AM and a million other things that you can't find anywhere else make up for it, but don't forget to pack your menthols. Oh, and once I saw a sign that said SANGWIDGES over a deli and now I regret not going in because I'll never find it again. Rating: ****
My friends didn't pass out in the bathrooms. They found other people passed out there. Dillon found a guy lying face-down on the floor in Denny's after a GWAR show, and Dino found the loudmouthed wigger who'd been sitting across from us asleep on the toilet with the stall door open, his pants OFF (not just down) and on the floor in front of him. Also, the sink was literally overflowing with vomit. This was the Phily (the Greek word, not an abreviation for Philadelphia) diner.
How tall are the stairs, is what I want to know. I mean, if you're building stairs for Jesus, you'd better do it right and make them a thousand feet high. But I bet the weak-willed zealots gave in to zoning laws or lack of funds, so the stairs are probably like fifty feet high.
not really stairs. more like slide.
picture here.
Did you marry Staniel!?!?
it would be a sin to make a ramblin' man settle down
I thought that was a pitchur of Staniel in front of a church, and I'm like, "OMG!"
I wouldn't get married in a Mormon cathedral! Vegas or the chapel at the University of
Lawsonomy, maybe.
You shouldn't build stairs to Jesus. You'll end up getting smote (smitten?) and have to speak some heathen foreign lingo for the rest of your days. It's all in the bible. Strangely enough not on chick.com though, which just proves chick.com is a crock of shit! Hooray! Come to Dublin and we'll give you a HANG SANGER!
I once read a book about smuggling, what was smuggled where and why. It said that art and stamps were a good way to get money through customs because the customs guys generally didn't know the value of art objects, and stamps can be very valuable and easily concealed. But one thing that suprised me was that there is supposedly some smuggling traffic in Irish butter and hams to England. This stikes me as slightly comical in its possibilities, but an Irish Hang Sanger must be remarkable if people are willing to risk gaol to obtain them.
Unless that's some foot'n'mouth related thing I think your data's about fifty years out of date. Rationing only ended in Great Britain in the late fifties, by which time things like Marmite and tripe and caramel custard were firmly established in the national conciousness as food, so there was good business to be done flogging Irish agricultural produce (cows and things, not silage) over there.
No doubt dated data, but I think that it was due to tax and tarrifs. I don't have much of a clue about what the Euro will mean taxwise, or if it's like one big free-trade zone now. $199US for a round trip is as cheap as I've seen airfare since I dunno. I paid PanAm about $500 for a one-way to San Francisco from Washington once, they had me on the 8AM, which they then combined with the 10AM, also the plane was overloaded, so they sat on the end of the runway burning-off fuel letting about 30 other planes take off first. Then, because we were late to Dallas, we had to wait more, then got to SF at midnight instead of 8PM and the damned Marriot Hotel was $180US. But I got a nice, new leather passport case with fancy gold embossed that I'm itching to try out and my buddy wants me to visit Thailand. He's got a
condo in Bangkok for only $80 a month w/computer. I like to say "Bangkok"
"Smuggler"
I am 15/f/resident of sheffield (north of england)
Marmite is so nice on toast with a cup o' cha (tea) in the morning and also at night before beddy-bies.
Marmite is the most gorgeous thing there is, it is also nice on crumpets, muffins and twiglets. Mmmmmmmm twiglets.
I don't put Marmite on me scones, but I might dab a bit on me Spam. I likes it on me toast the best. With gunpowder tea. In case yers missed it:
The Joy of Marmite
I spread my Marmite sparingly,
upon my buttered toast
Of all the things to put on bread,
it's what I like the most.
Its flavour always feels warm,
although it isn't hot
--Caustic like a chili sauce,
it certainly is not
Approved by vegetarians,
and good for your nutrition
Of what my Mum called savoury,
the very definition.
Though made from lowly byproducts
--leftover brewing ooze
It is so reminiscent of
the finest of French stews
Such grand associations
were surely what was meant
When so named by clever brewers
from Burton on the Trent
Precisely what exquisite yeast
do Marmite makers use
To lend such gourmet qualities
to brewing residues?
-- A.R.D. Pepper, March 1993
OK, Philly may not be paradise on earth, but AT LEAST IT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING JERSEY!!!11!!!!! Yeah, the bars close early, but that's the fault of the right-wing bluenoses who run PA. We've got more disturbing murals and broken-mirror and trash-decorated houses than ANYWHERE, and Spruce Street Video has the world's biggest collection of all-male rental porn. I fully realize that this is mainly of interest to homosexuals, but I think that such thouroughness is admirable to everyone.
As for DC, I haven't lived there for a while, but the free museums and the fantastic music scene alone made it worth the exorbitant rents. It's also a much safer city than the statistics would lead you to believe-- just avoid going past 16th st. after dark. Also, fuck the VA suburbs. If you want to live outside of DC, do it in Silver Spring, MD, one of the most delightfully odd places on earth. LONG LIVE THE TASTEE DINER!!!1!
The last time that I was there the roof was leaking a lot, so much that they didn't have to water the plants. I miss Rootboy Slim and the good old Psychedeli. But if I lived on that side of DeeCee, it would probably be Takoma Park. Put a quarter in the juke, and boogie 'til you puke.
they arent stairs TO jesus. they are stairs FOR jesus to come down. DOWN ESCALATOR ONLY.
Forgot about those! I award an extra 1/2 point. Still a dump though. Jersey has Tina's Bagel Factory and the ugly sculpture garden in Trenton, plus Ong's Hat and Ancora.
Yeah, easy for you to say, try saying that to the 30-foot Frank Rizzo painting (Philly's skullbreaking police chief/mayor during the 60's and 70's, for those of you out of the loop). He'll whip out a can of South Philly style whoop-ass on your pinko hippy ass! At least as long as it's not against union regulations!
sedalia, mo, the town i grew up in, was the home of scott joplin for a while. he probably even got syphillis there, as he was the pianist in a whorehouse called the maple leaf club (where he wrote the maple leaf rag). anyway there is a mural downtown of him playing piano and he is depicted as a drunken retard mouthbreather with ham filled gloves for hands about to fall off of his piano stool. reproductions of this terrible work of art can be purchased all over town.
You gave Philly a terrible slap in the face. You can always check out one of the after hours bars like Doyles, but honestly who needs to be still getting liquored up after 2am? The only time I did that I hiked it up broad street trying to find my way home. I also take issue with your trashing of the music scene. Maybe it's not your thing, but I challenge anyone to find better indie shows week after week. Let's be nice to the city of brotherly love, there's plenty to hate just across the river!
Well, if you're ashore in Baltimore, eat Bertha's mussels. And East Baltimore is waaaay trashier than South Philly.
i buy irische butter here in germany and it's pretty cheap. as cheap as the stuff that comes from the next town over.
so just a guess maybe the irish are still bitter about the whole potato famine thing, and charge high tariffs when they export things to britain. so all an enterprising schmuggler would have to do is waylay a butter tanker headed for Hamburg, and steer that creamy yellow goodness towards his secret lair in penzance or plymouth or wherever. and watch the creamy yellow profits pour in.
Our dislike of Britain is matched only by our distrust of foriegners (ie, everyone except us and the evil brits) so in an effort to undermine the Hansastadt we omit the salt from the butter we sell to Germany. Salt is, of course, the standard substitute for moral fibre round here. An english or irish person would spot the trick instantly and refuse to buy it. Nothing can defeat the power of small pieces of tree with Marmite on!
I likes sweet butter without the salted best, and I particular about the taste of it. None too fond of Breakstone's mark of butter. I think that why I'm preoccupied with butter is that it's nearly doubled in price of late, running at about $4US a pound here. I use it in my version of bubble&squeek, which I likes to call gurgle&squawk. But if yers likes Marmite, ye might like to get liquid malt and powdered brewers yeast to spike things. I suspect that there's a pretty penny to be made by moving Amish butter from Pennsylvania to New York, and from Upstate down. Usually, when there's 100% profit, there's motive. Double yer money, sort of.
When in Philly, you must go underground. There's a lot to do if you know the right people...
On Mr Bean one time he ran out of twiglets so he covered sticks in marmite, not that I like him but the fish in his mouth at the fair was well funny.
What about vegimite (australias answer to marmite) and bovril (meat version of marmite)? I have never tried either of them, but I'd like to know of a poem about those products.
Marmite is good when you're pregnant too, my mum is a midwife and she always tells me so.
There once was a bloke from down under
Whose digestion had been rent asunder
But he thought for a thrill
He'd try some Bovril
When he broke wind it sounded like thunder
One of my sisters is a midwife, but they are calling them "catchers" here now, because they catch the babies. They have it like a party with wine and candles and music, a real hoohah.
What good bands are there around here? I just moved back here a few months ago and am totally out of the loop. Only really good local band I've seen since I've been back was Panama (or at least I THINK that's what they were called. Maybe Hot for Teacher).
Aim of Conrad is a good local band that plays around the city all the time. Kid Dynamite was a great band until they called it quits. A lost of good post-punk bands play at the 4040 club or the downtown bars. And sometimes the trocadero or the TLA will get a good touring band.
There have been several instances here of women going bonkers after birthing, it happened to a friend's mom, too. But I was thinking that it might be a major detox problem, and needing many and much B-vitamins and minerals of different sorts, and looooots of water. One local place here, the water is very bad with chlorine, and farm run-off. But that Ruth's mom recommends Marmite reminded me of the pediatrician telling me to make the old lady drink a pint of Guiness Stoat a day while lactating, it's good for the off-shoot, too. But massive Marmite and brewer's yeast would be good for B-vitamins and protein.
"Rootboy"
It really is good for babies.
I should get a job as a nanny, I like new people a lot, they are bright and shiny like a new penny. I realize the segue to new people from the cities topic is a bit sketchy. Anyways, there is a thingie called an "Infa-Feeder" that I highly recommend. It looks like a big hypodermic with a nipple on the end of it, it holds about 6oz of pureed baby chow. If you've ever tried to spoon feed a little one, you will like this. They slurp down the whole thing, and you can layer-in stuff that they don't like, such as spinach, and they don't notice it. Then, when they're ready for solids, set them in the chair, and put bits on the tray and they'll feed themselves. Pretzels are good for teething, and for some reason, most little ones like frozen peas!
"City of Bits"
Also, Staniel, you might remember that when in DeeCee, the kids like to throw little rocks at passing cars from the rooftops. It is not only my perception that Washington is a hostile place, parts of it are. Other parts, you can rent a house with 12 bedrooms, six fireplaces, an indoor pool, and a staff of three for $16,500 per month. I think that what makes some people hostile is that they can't get it together to get to the goodies, so they pitch a hissy fit.
I'm neither a mod nor a fan of straightedge hardcore. Some decent touring bands hit Philly, but far fewer than you'd see in any other city the same size. I do like some things there - witness my review of Low at the 1st Unitarian - but there's plenty lacking.
Well, if you're ashore in Baltimore:
1. Eat Bertha's mussels!
2. One of the son's of the ED(Emotionally Disturbed) school teacher that I've been boning for the last fifteen or twenty years went to Pratt Art Institute in Baltimore for five years, and he's so good now that he's forging Old Masters! But I knew him when he had a Statue of Liberty mohawk w/lightning bolts and a black leather jacket with the Union Jack, was riding a skateboard with a bong in one hand and a bottle of acid-laced wine in the other. He's got a place about 12 blocks from the Inner Harbor, and about 6 blocks from the 12th St. Market where they gots good eats. My friend Jan (Yahn) in Baltimore, I've known for a long time, I bopped his wife Rosie a lot, and Jan has a Ph. D. in Sociology, and has taught at Johns Hopkins, but he also works as a Longshoreman in Baltimore to make a buck and "whatnot". There was a Jewish construction guy who died and left $20m to each of five kids, but he left $900m to the poor people of Baltimore, so Jan has a job with the foundation that administers the redevelopment of the City of Baltimore. Baltimore has a couple of good microbrewies, if you are a beer guzzler like me.
"Baltimore"
Is an wonderful city, or so my ten-year old self remembers. While stepping in the river will either corrode your leg off or just abrade it ragged with silt, it's quite beautiful during Loy-Kratong, if I've spelt that right. Most all of the people in the city decorate little floats with banana leaves, candles, sparklers, incense, and flowers, and send them down the river. One day, the river will catch fire. Until then.
It was hideously polluted, though - I took, reprehensibly, to spitting into gutters to clear my mouth of smoggy saliva. I hear the air's nicer nowadays. Say hello to the princesses, now that they're all grown up.
My friend is sending me pictures from the 84th floor in Bangkok, so it's much more urban than I'd thought, I'd pictured it with gold-domed temples, water buffalo, monkeys, and motorbikes. I guess that it is polluted. Their writing looks like a Martian alphabet to me.
I like to masterbate.
Is not in a railroad caboose. Just a regular building. I don't know why I hallucinated a caboose when I was here before.
Do what you like, just spell it consistently.
I think that there are Nazis in my underwear
When driving up the Jersey Turnpike, I saw a big ferry boat, the kind that can carry cars and has an upper deck; it was run aground and kind of tilted. It looked like it would be fun to salvage and live on, and maybe turn into a club/restaurant. There was an old train station that was for rent cheap, it seemed like it would have been fun, but the trains still ran by, and I didn't think that I could stand the noise for long.
I did a little traveling this weekend- went to visit a friend in Pennsylvania. The train schedules were crummy so I couldn't stay very long, but I think that every time I travel by myself I gain a little more confidence and stop being quite so worried that I'll accidently get onto the wrong train and they'll have to toss me off at a little tiny station and won't even slow down to do it.
I like trains.
