By: Sean
[2002-01-29]
Name The Plant Contest
Not to merely push yesterday's update into the archives, or anything...
...though that is an idea of which everyone I talked to showed their full support.
As you regular readers know, we here at thingsihate likes to have us the occasional contest. And when we have us a contest, we gives out the prizes. Granted, we may not be so Johnny-on-the-spot with the prizes (still looking for a rabbit meat vender in your neck of the woods, Jonas), but we do promise our winners that they'll receive them sometime before they die. Seriously. We keep a stipulation in our wills until we've delivered on our promises.
I recently acquired my first plant. It's a
Radermacher sinica, however you probably know it as a China Doll. It's just a youngun, but oh what a specimen.
So reads the card:
Large divided leaves impart
a feather appearance. This
bushy plant makes an ideal
indoor specimen. Prefers
moderately moist soil and
moderate temperatures, 60-75F.
I like to imagine that being read in the voice of Leonard Nimoy. I don't know why. Sometimes I like to wonder what
Leonard Part VI would have been like if it had starred Leonard Nimoy instead of Bill Cosby. Sometimes I like to
OH MY GOD THERE WERE JUST NAKED PEOPLE ON UNIVISION!!!
Anyway. Here are the contest rules: Name the plant. Post your suggestions in the comments, and to the winner goes a free
thingsihate.org t-shirt. One need not even pay shipping. Just imagine strutting down to the local gelato parloury sporting your brand new
thingsihate shirt, and finally having the confidence to talk to that little filly you've had your eye on, and the smashing good looks to go with it.
And don't forget guys, the girls really go ga-ga over shirts with URLs on them. It's true.
Rrrrrrrrrrowr, RUFF RUFF *beat palm of hand on table top repeatedly*
Please remember: This is a special plant. It's the first plant I've ever owned, and although we've only known each other two days, bonds have already been formed, bonds which can not be easily broken -- the sacred bond between a man and his plant. I ask you to take this contest very seriously. Be creative, be thoughtul, and consider what you know about the plant. As this web site continues to grow and live on, we'll all enjoy seeing the plant grow up. It takes a whole web site to raise a plant, and this plant needs us.
That said, off you go! Let the naming begin!
"Budge," "Conrad Welker," "Shep," "Edward Said," "Queeg," "Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA)," "Lorna," "Quinjy," "Imelda," "Ramus," "Vomer"
More to come when I can think.
Um...Leonardina?
Lenore?
Sinikka?
Thingyoudonothate?
Peteyplant?
Sex Machine
(The) Triffid
James Brown
Darkwynd Moonshadow
Cuddles
King
Rex
Killer
DOG BALLS
Fifi
Princess Fluffy Sparkles III
Flava Flav
Nobody
Bitey
Reginald Q. Moneybottom Esq.
Dr. Love
Dr. Sex
Dr. Sexy
Dr. Funk
Dr. Funktacular
Dr. Funktastical
Dr. Superfunkifreakilisticexpiskankalicious
Dr. Kevorkian
Mr. Green
Mr. White
Mr. Pink
Mr. Brown
Mr. Bojangles
Mixmaster sinica
Downtown Brown
Jivemaster Jones
Cowboy Brown
Dantell
Clarice
Audrey 2
Maruice
Seymour
Janet
Dr. Frankenstien
Frankenstien
Dr. Frankenfurter
Riff raff
Shit
Fuck
Crap
Ass
Asshole
Cunt
Anal Cunt
Jim
Father O'Malley
Sleepy
Raphael Sabatino
Max Power
Nick Danger
("Big") Jim Steele
Mr. Roboto
Devon
Jenna Jameson
Kobe Tai
Asia Carrera
Lexus
Christy Canyon
Minka
Peter North
Rocco Siffredi
John Dough
Buster Gonad
Johnny Fartpants
Judas
Ezekiel
Thomas
Job
Jonas
Lou Douchez
Jacques Kitsch
König Prüß, GfbAEV
staniel
casey
Annna
Sean Jr
Buzz McCoy
Riff
Dewalt Russ
Pop
Mom
Hitler
Goering
Goebbels
Nietzsche
Stalin
Musollini
Benny Hill
Leonardo
Michelangelo
Donatello
Raphael
Splinter
Shredder
Krang
April O'Neil
Mutagen
Fred
Tom
Jeff
Geoff
Larry
Harry
Joe
Paul
Chris
Steve
Tim
Simon Templar
James Bond
Dolemite
Shaft
Richard Roundtree
Rudy Ray Moore
Cleopatra Jones
Planty the Plant
Necrotizing Fasciitis
also for some odd reason i am stuck as prions rather than noisia and am linking to prion information. Prion would make a good name too.
although Viroid would be more pertinent as they are viruses that attack plants.
"Tom Courtenay" - "Frayn, Leonard's Butler"
"Joe Don Baker" - "Snyderburn"
"Moses Gunn" - "Giorgio"
"Gloria Foster" - "Medusa"
"Pat Colbert" - "Allison"
"Victoria Rowell" - "Joan"
"Anna Levine" - "Nurse Carvalhgo"
"David Maier" - "Man Ray"
"Grace Zabriskie" - "Jefferson"
"Hal Bokar" - "Andy"
"George Maguire" - "Madison"
"John Hostetter" - "Adams"
"William Hall" - "Monroe"
"George Kirby" - "Duchamp"
"Jane Fonda" - "Herself"
Compost
Poo
Planthony
Stem-ily Dickinson
Plantholomew
Prince Chlorophillip of England
The Creeping Horak (not sure if that's the right name, there was an episode of he-man where they were chased by a plant)
Busta Rhizomes
My Precious
Man-root
Snuffles
Trunk Butt
Mr. Peepers
Gimp
Leaf Erikson
! (that clicking noise you make with your tongue against the roof of your mouth)
Planty Pants
Gordon
Triangle.
"Legion", because my name is Legion.
Is that vermiculite in the pot? There has been much confusion regarding the mysterious deaths of vermiculite miners of late. Not all vermiculite mines have an asbestos problem, but I think so around Libby, Montana. Maybe you should name the plant Tyrone, and get it a fuscia plant for a companion.
"vermiculite"
"fuscia"
http://instruct1.cit.cornell.edu/courses/ling700/khoisan.htm
i'm at work so i can't listen to the sound clips, but at least one of them should be a good plant name
Mr. Buttpoop
Bud-Shmud
Gorton Fishdick
As with any pet, I think you need to ascertain its nature and your aspirations for it. I named my cat "Beauregard" because I wanted a name that would allow him to fit into any social circle: Beau can be either old money or white trash. And indeed, he has grown up to be a Southern gentleman.
This plant of yours ... do you hope it will be a party animal, or reserved and contemplative? Forgiving or brutally uncompromising? Do you want it to be good with children? Give that some thought.
As one last naming convention scheme, consider what we did at my company. Over the past year we've bought a lot of new Dell computers, turns out they're these jet-black powerhouses. So we took to naming the computers Tyson, Chef, Morpheus, Shaft, Mr. T, Moesha, etc. I, of course, named mine "Dolemite". (Our old computers -- little white wimpy things -- have been rechristened with names like "DavidSpade".)
And the more I think about it ... screw it, you just can't beat "Dolemite" for a name. Yes. Your plant is "Dolemite".
(Noisia recommended it first, though, so he gets the shirt.)
Some of the plant names are very good and funny; I haven't named any of my plants.
or Lassie
I dunno....
Looks like a Jonie to me.
We need less line breaks. I've given up trying to teach people how to link in the comments; half the time the lt's and gt's don't show up even if you employ the requisite sundry magics and curious artifices that are supposed to make them text rather than code. Also, I have seen a lot of both Dune and The Simpsons and occasionally combine quotes accidentally. "I call the big one Usul."
I thought that "usul" was the Eskimo work for a walrus dick! Oh, well. This is a link to the WebMonkey HTML Cheatsheet.
"WebMonkey"
ODE TO AN OOSIK
Strange things have been done
in the Midnight Sun,
and the story books are full---
But the strangest tale concerns
the male, magnificent walrus bull!
I know it's rude, quite common and crude,
Perhaps it is grossly unkind;
But with first glance at least,
this bewhiskered beast,
is as ugly in front as behind.
Look once again, take a second look -- then
you'll see he's not ugly or vile --
There's a hint of a grin, in that blubbery chin --
and the eyes have a shy secret smile.
How can this be, this clandestine glee
that exudes from the walrus like music?
He knows, there inside, beneath blubber and hide
lies a splendid contrivance -- the Oosik!
"Oosik" you say -- and quite well you may,
I'll explain if you keep it between us;
In the simplest truth, though rather uncouth
"Oosik" is, in fact, his penis!
Now the size alone of this walrus bone,
would indeed arouse envious thinking --
It is also a fact, documented and backed,
There is never a softening or shrinking!
This, then, is why the smile is so sly,
the walrus is rightfully proud.
Though the climate is frigid, the walrus is rigid,
Pray, why, is not man so endowed?
Added to this, is a smile you might miss ---
Though the bull is entitled to bow --
The one to out-smile our bull by a mile
is the satisfied walrus cow!
-Anonymous
Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo
Urethra Franklin
Pirahna Plant
W.E.B. du Bois the Plant
Captain Pope-tastic
Salmon Mailbox
Supafuzz
Pontius Copilot
C.O. Jones
Nashville Pussy
Codswallop
Branch Davidian
PLANTOR the Destroyer
Vegetor
Lil Bandit
Twiggy
Scrote O'Synthesis
Bratwurst
Snobben
Gryshnak the Goblin Plant
Brundle
Stenchy
Phallungus
A Very Special Episode of Blossom
El Planto Grande
"Fluffy" is always a good name for pets if they aren't fluffy. We have a concrete turtle named Fluffy.
Smarty Plants?
Baron von Radermacher
name your plant Bitey.
in regards to pop's fluffy suggestion. my suggestion of princess fluffy &c &c was a reference to a friends maltese dog who they got from some crazy old lady and it's full name is Prince Fluffy something something but they just call it fluffy. my friend is (was? i don't know any more) horrible to the dog, always tormenting it.
Keep your baby away from the computer keyboard! At least give her a chance to lead a happy, well-adjusted life!
Also, name her Mr. Pickles. It would mean a lot to a little girl somewhere with inoperable cancer and necrotizing fasciitis.
First off, the plant is obviously a Daniel.
That is my only entry. But I would also like to add my support for noisia's "DOG BALLS" entry. And Natty Light's "Captain Pope-tastic" is a good one - that was about the funniest episode of Conan ever.
Finally, why don't you sell these thingsihate shirts? I would purchase one, regardless of whether you had a fancy online store or just said "send me cash stuffed in an envelope."
One more entry couldn't hurt, unless it could: "Tim's Cascade Style Jalapeño Potato Chips."
I've got plantnames for you. Plant names OF JUSTICE.
Like, say:
The Sexecutioner
Vivian
Duke Archibald
Chad Riprock
Fifi Trixiebell
Archduke "Reggie" Reginald Foresythe
Steve
I'm quite partial to Sparky, myself.
That's all I have right now. I'm sleepy.
The name Greendown would be a reference to the "feather appearance."
Downy would be less awkward and lame though (if someone hasn't beaten me to it.)
I have an oosik bone. Really. All mammals, with one exception, have a bone in their penis. It's been carved on by Eskimos in another example of how native americans don't waste any part of an animal they hunt. By the way, an oosik bone is huge, longer than my forearm.
That's right! Not a bull dyke, but a bull dick! You can get a walking cane made from a dried and shellacked bull dick. It is also a custom in parts of Latin America for people to whip eachother with bull dicks until one or the other cries, "Enough" "Ya Basta" But to actually have an oosik is something almost too strange for me to contemplate. I once saw an Eskimo pipe in a museum display that had a bowl made of iron. What was wondrous about the Iron Eskimo Pipe is that all of their iron came from one 40-ton meteor. I've never encountered anyone who was actually in possession of an oosik, although I've seem that poem on T-shirts worn by some women. Naw, you can't name a plant, "Oosik."
Without getting too ethnically disparaging or sexist, I'm surprised that nobody has taken off on the possible humourous Chinese names that might be possible, since it's a China Doll plant. I have a T-shirt somewhere that has a menu from a Chinese restaurant that is more or less obscene.
You should name the plant Pliny the Elder, after the Ancient Greek man who invented topiaries.
Then when you get another plant that looks similar, you could call it an "off-shoot" , and name the next one Pliny the Younger.
I really think you should pick this one, Sean, since you're dating my sister.
the original THE THING was a plant monster. james arness played him.
If you named it "Annie Sprinkle" then you'd remember to water it.
hmm...
Chuck the plant (from maniac mansion)
Beverly
Dr. Schokter
His most Eminent Holyness, John Plant the VIII
Edsel
Yessiree Bob
That Green thing I Water and Sometimes Feed
The Oxygenator
Photosynthesis Deluxe
Rico Suave
Your Mother
Arthur
The Commissioner
Leafy Green
they are hardcore real flavours, fool! don't even step to it.
Floyd
Falk Enwright (Say it out loud)
That plant looks like a Thor. God of Thunder!
Well noisia, maybe you would care to look at
this and tell me that you don't see the words ARTIFICALLY FLAVORED prominently displayed on the front of the bag of Tim's Cascade Style Jalapeño Potato Chips. They are naturally AND artificially flavored you ass.
And delicious.
Buddy
Baby
How about "not any sort of marijuana" ? Hey, I like your "not any sort of marijuana" plant, Bob. Yah, it's great, isn't it Steve? Yah.
Shrub-Nuggruth, the Green Plant in the Pot with Several Shoots.
Ia!
I think it looks like a Winston (or possibly a Cecil).
We once grew a giant fungus in a tea urn and after it drank three tins of beer and a bottle of bleach (and appeared to thrive on them) we named it floyd and fed it on a regular basis. It eventually tried to escape from the cauldron and eat the cupboard so we vapourised it with a steam hose. Great days!
I like Wady's...I slap my forehead for not thinking of it!
it's "Iä"
My recommendation is ROBERT PLANT.
That's what they say Down East when they mean "Yes"
My gelato acquaintances are getting tired of my "I Scream for Ice Cream" t-shirt, so I could use a new shirt.
Vancouver Gelato
midori
Senor Pantalones
Abuelita Hamburguesa
Yomotsushikome (some figure in Japanese mythology...name means "an old lady who went to hell and died" or something long like that.
Super Happy Robot Man Plant
Your Mother
Kathy Sweetcheeks
Jewy McJew Jew
Chesty McBoob
Lolita
Ixtab
Onibaba (japanese for "devil hag")
Gwai Mei Gai (cantonese for "strange-smelling chicken")
Blue Archer (needs food badly...)
Charles Manson
Snork
Fleagle
Steven Rios the Master of Darkness
Small Hyperactive Child
Corn-Holin' Country Pussy
Guitar Wolf
Psycho Killer
Mistress of the Ukulele
Dario Argento
Lucio Fulci
Mario Bava
Kitty
Dog
Hamster Boy
Dancing Fool
Love Machine no.666
Ralph is a good name for any plant. Plus, it has the Nader reference in there to boot (plant's green, Nader's in Green Party; Nader likes the environment, plant is the environment).
Never discount the name Ralph.
For anything.
Noah
The plant must be Radermacher Wolf!
Or ROBERT PLANT--never forget Robert Plant. The young filly at Mondo Gelato threw a sorbetto at me today, now I really need a new shirt!
"La planta del diablo."
or "Blarg"
Gorm the Old, First King of Denmark (c. 950 A.D.)
Hawk Hawk PTUI!
The Love Shrub
Napoleon Bonaplant
My Cock (as in, "did you know my cock is now 8 inches long?")
Squidget
Uranus Fly Trap
Smoove R
I am disqualified, I would just like to tell you all that my Friday update is going to OWN. It is going to own FOUR CORNER STYLE.
George Bush
Since the plant is known as a China Doll how about the name Ling after Lucy Luu's character on Ally McBeal.
Real testimonial from a real person!!
Danielle has this to say about her thingsihate shirt:
"I knew it was something special from the very first time I saw it. When I slipped that baby on, I felt.. special, wanted and a little tired. It looked and felt great! It changed my life! Now the boys just won't leave me alone! Thanks, thingsihate.org!"
Nobody has suggested the name "Thing I Hate."
Or "Thing I Love...and Love and Love and Love!" depending on whether I've missed something about Sean.
I cannot help it. I must name every plant I own Herbert.
Why don't you name it Plant? Since before time was time, plants have not needed names. Why now?
Or testicleknee. Just cause that sounds funny.
THE VENERABLE BEDE
(in all caps like that, too. OR shouted, as the case may be. "Bede" is pronounced "bead" if you didn't know already).
Shlomo
Name the Plant SPOT
