By: Annna [2002-02-18]

Matie Is Pointy!

Another Blast from the Past

Pop here, again submitting another treasure plucked from the whirlwind of papers left in Anna and Matie's wake. This one is mostly by Anna (Annna to you); despite what you'll read below, it's an e-mail exchange from 06 Mar 2000.

BE AFRAID

Actual Photograph!

Matie wrote:

Could you write me a few paragraphs describing my personality? It's for Psychology. Soon, preferably. Just a paragraph or two, and try to use a bunch of adjectives. I have to analyze them.

Anna wrote:

MY SISTER MATIE

by Anna, age 8

My sister Matie is a scary, scary lady. If you do what she says, she is a good friend, but if you don't, or if you are Charlie, watch out! She can yell and yell, but usually she just LOOKS at you. Matie can set things on fire with her mind! She's Satan!

My sister Matie doesn't need to sleep. She stays up all night, drinking rotgut whiskey with the white fur traders and shooting her .45 at passing dogs. She writes all kinds of papers and essays and never turns them in late. She also knows how to do things with big math, because she is a beautiful fairy princess from MathMagic Land.

My sister Matie is IN CHARGE. If she were in a video game, she'd be the leather-clad dominatrix you have to beat to get to Level Five. She would look cool in an SS uniform with a miniskirt and thigh-high boots. Once she made a guy spend Willpower points to cut his own head off. Nobody dared say anything, because they were all cowards. She's a kitten with a whip!

My sister Matie is pointy! She has sharp teeth, sharp nails, and she carries a knife. She killed a man in Reno, once, not just to watch him die, but because she thought it would be a cool anecdote to relate later. She doesn't have a pair of leather pants, like Shaft, but she will some day.

My sister Matie is far, far away. I get sad when I think about how she can't come over and play with me, but then I remember that she is also too far away to twist my head off with her mighty jaws, so I'm not as sad as I was. She's going to come visit me soon, and the hills will echo once more with her terrible howl as she stalks the night, selecting her victims.

I love my sister Matie!

Chins [2002-02-18 00:17:26] Jacques Kitsch

Well, Matie, Staniel, and I all have the same kind of chin. I see what Annna means that Matie looks like Hitler, at least in this picture, because of her hair. I think that the only other picture that I've seen of her, she was dressed like a nurse and Annna was dressed like a nun. Having only one sibling must be nice; having five was kind of like an ongoing gang war. But the good thing about being the oldest, I didn't have to wear anyone else's clothes.

photo [2002-02-18 00:47:58] staniel

If that is actually Matie and not just a trick of Pop's - "it is an actual photograph, not a drawing!" - then I must say, very fitting. Makes me think of Lizzie Borden.

too cool [2002-02-18 06:58:14] Lou Duchez

Goddamn, once more I am forced to envy the Truwe family.

algebra [2002-02-18 09:22:33] alptraum

apparently, anna + n = annna

but what is the value of n?

Law of Signs [2002-02-18 09:35:16] Jacques Kitsch

(-a)+(+n)x(-n)+(+n)-(-a)=(-a)/(+сІ)

Oh, Ye of Little Faith [2002-02-18 11:38:37] Pop

Yes, that is an actual photograph of Matie, taken from her high-school student government campaign poster. We patterned the poster after one of Hitler's 1932(?) election posters (the Big Brother one where his disembodied head is staring out of a black background). So the resemblance is much less than coincidental. And it doesn't hurt that she's just chock-full of German genes.

math wars [2002-02-18 12:44:36] Lou Duchez

I disagree. It's actually "anna" divided by "n" -- as in, divided into "an" and "na". So:

anna / n = an + n + na = an + n + (-an) = n

anna = n^2

a^2n^2 = n^2

a = 1

This, of course, is the origin of the Ovaltine number-substitution cipher, used by children and G-Men in the 1940s to remind each other to drink Ovaltine.

family ties [2002-02-18 12:55:59] aspcp

I need a family. Are you guys currently adopting?

be sure to drink your ovaltine [2002-02-18 18:43:39] sally

A CRUMMY COMMERCIAL???????? SON OF A BITCH.

i never get tired of that.

Mattie Uber Alles! [2002-02-18 20:31:06] benjamin

So, was the fascist Nazi propaganda machine successful in garnering Mattie a political postion?

Also to sally, that never stops being funny... EVEN WHEN I WATCH IT 3-4 times in succession when Turner plays it for 24 hours!

NOT A FINGAH [2002-02-18 20:58:45] sally

i agree. have read the stories now and cannot decide which i like better because they are decidedly different.

Mattie [2002-02-18 20:58:49] Jacques Kitsch

I think that Benjamin may have started something--with the Mattie spelling. What would be more correct, Matttie or Maaatie? I went looking for more mathematical solution, and got lost in concentric paraboloids of Reiman sodium difraction and the atomic weight of N, and had some Swiss Miss, as, alas! I have no Ovaltine! and promptly took a three-hour siesta. OMG!

err... [2002-02-18 21:51:04] benjamin

... or it could just be that I forgot to scroll upwards to check. Or maybe it's the Truwe clan "nom de guerre" to add an extra letter to the middle of the name... unfortunately that makes her dad either "Poop" or "Been" neither of which is very good (and I know the latter by experience).

Benjawenjawenja [2002-02-18 22:33:59] Jacques Kitsch

Yer right about the Poop, and Pooop isn't much better; I'd add more p's to make it Poppp, but rules is rules. A friend had a son named Benjamin, and when he was learning to talk, he couldn't find the end of his name, he'd go on 'til he ran out of breath: Benjawenjawenjawenja...

Intriguing... [2002-02-19 00:22:27] Wakboth

Quoth the Annna:
My sister Matie is IN CHARGE. [...] She's a kitten with a whip!

And Further:
My sister Matie is pointy! She has sharp teeth, sharp nails, and she carries a knife.

My Conclusions:
Matie = Knifekitten!

[2002-02-19 03:38:01] alptraum

or maybe the extra n indicates a zombie necromantic clone of the original "anna" made after she learned too much about her sister's domination plans... which would explain a lot, i think.

beware updates from "Ponp" or Matnie"

Iterations [2002-02-19 05:10:48] Jacques Kitsch

That would make sense to add n's for each iteration of zombie, and the names would sound spookier as the zombies became spookier, until the mere mention of their names would sound like a demented banshee wail; either that, or The Norman Pumpernickle Choir with impacted adnoids.

Earlier Reference [2002-02-19 05:33:13] Jacques Kitsch

dogs bollocks n. the best, top of the range (of almost anything), e.g. "That pint was the dog's bollocks eh??" UK

Canine testicles [2002-02-19 07:58:04] dunc

Eh? What's dog's bollocks got to do with anything?

Flashback [2002-02-19 08:38:00] Jacques Kitsch

See and
this for honorable mention.

maybe yall already knew this [2002-02-19 12:56:17] alptraum

i can't figure out links on here, so here's the def. of pumpernickel, from randomhouse.com:

Pumpernickel 'a coarse, dark, slightly sour bread made of unbolted rye', is from German, as one might expect. The word was originally used in German as an insulting term for anyone considered disagreeable. Its elements are pumpern 'to break wind', and Nickel 'a goblin; devil; rascal', originally a nickname from Nicholas. Pumpernickel, in other words, literally means 'farting bastard'.

Presumably the word was applied to the bread in reference to its supposed indigestibility.

OMG! [2002-02-19 15:09:14] Jacques Kitsch

Then those aren't adenoids!

regarding OMG [2002-02-20 09:29:55] sally

cut it out already, old man

Oh, OK [2002-02-20 20:46:49] Jacques Kitsch

Like, you own that?

You are all assholes [2002-05-25 21:12:42] Blatant Bungholery

you really are

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