By: staniel
[2002-02-25]
How Insane People Get Here, Part V
further ruining Annna's legacy
For those of you not familiar with this practice, the first installment can be found
here. Basically, people enter all sorts of horrible searches into Google, and some of them point to this site.
children+love+sex+born+fuck+hard
children+naked+in+toilet+pictures
Somehow I doubt they love it. Especially when you put them in the toilet.
overrated+drunk+guy
Aren't they all?
insane+john+deere+picture
I wouldn't mind a few insane John Deere pictures - Mr. John Deere himself flipping out or a clown-piloted lawn tractor leaping over shark tanks, either is fine.
little+overweight+now+give+me+bucks
Christ, is that all it takes? And here I've been working* for money, like a sucker.
gay+animal+stomping
Those poor gay animals!
wot+is+the+website+for+sugar+magazine
I wonder if Jeeves (which was not used for this search) accepts "wot."
badly+designed+signs
Not signs with spelling or grammar problems, but signs that fall apart easily.
terrified+fridge+smell+france
When frightened, the fridge will release a cloud of garlic and escargot-scented gas in order to disgust its attacker.
12+pack+abs
HIS WAIST IS AS STRONG AS THE COMBINED WAISTS OF TWO NORMAL MEN
whining+man+toy
Next: Whining Man Festival.
bagel+shit+spread+into+feces
I'm off apple butter now.
her+breasts+were+so+large+she+couldn't+stand
Can a pole dance be performed from a wheelchair?
how+to+fuck+an+enterprise+java+bean
Probably a search for hax0ring instructions, but I still like it.
pictures+of+designer+vaginas
Nothing is more embarrassing than showing up at a party only to discover you and the hostess have the same vagina.
tomb+raider+movie+hidden+meaning
Hint: It's about suicide contemplation. Chris Barrie's character represents God, and when Angelina Jolie's character has to care for the deformed baby, it symbolizes her penance for the sin she committed. When she goes into the radiator, she has killed herself and received absolution.
bats+in+pussies
Their sonar can't help them now!
classic+painting+dogs+playing+poker
My dad has the one with dogs playing pool. One of them has just torn the felt, causing a tumult. The bulldog is so horrified his cigar is falling from his mouth.
little+bad+ass+minibike
It comes with a tiny, tiny cycle jacket and a midget skank.
what+are+all+those+chemical+ingredients+in+Snapple
+and+what+are+they+there+for
Not a twisted DNA experiment, you can be sure of that!
the+16+kind+of+female+vulva
#7: THE ANGRY VULVA
i+hate+danielle
Danielle, do you know anything about this?
oceanography+bowl
Things I Hate is proud to have an early
article from Matie featured by Google as results #1 and #2 (out of 6) for this search.
* not really
Zippy the Pinhead had a strip that freely interwove a conversation about
fuzzy logic and
Fuzzy Zoeller, the golfer. I believe that this accounts for how some people think, like Zippy the Pinhead, and how some search engines work, and may either result in the downfall of Western Civilization as we know it, lower golf scores and green fees, and/or ever more idjits ending up in clusters in the sump drain of the interstitial matrix like so much pubic hair.
lemme get this straight. if i type something like
sexy tollbooth colostomy stench weevils
or
gay jesus sucking antler-wound tourniquet lint
sooner or later, I will gain immortality in the annals of web search results? rad.
Yep, that's why as rambling and off-topic as I get, I have the distinct pleasure of the foreknowledge that some damn yuccaputz will eventually wend hither via the 'bots.
Particularly stupid bats do occasionally end up in the cat, unless I take them off him and sling them in the bin.
The frightening thing is that the insane+john+deere guy knew precisely what he was looking for:
http://www.angelfire.com/pa/countyline/images/singletoninsane.jpg
ProStock Racing Tractors. I shit you not.
On the upside, the same search on Yahoo turns up http://www.dackshannon.com/ , a website of serial fiction about an albino secret agent. Again, I shit you not.
But wait, there's more :
http://www.angelfire.com/pa/countyline/Picturez.html
They're not even full-size tractors! They're tiny remote-controlled tractors! Is this what happens when geeks and hillbillys interbreed?
Really, I do.
I just skimmed the article, and stopped when I read that. Creepy. I love that it directed the searcher here though, that's great. So, recap: Danielle is loved, but also mildly creeped out.
Crap, my secret's out!
This SOUNDS good, but then you get to rule #3: remove reels, guards and cutter bar, sheet metal from head,
unloading auger, cab ladder and the separator must be inoperative.
Feh. No guards, no augers? No cutter bar? You've just taken all the fun parts away. Where's the BattleBots appeal of the whole thing? Now it's just an oddly shaped car.
If that's the attraction, let's just do it with the new Pontiac Aztecs. That wouldn't be as viscerally or aurally satisfying of course ... there's a whole lot of wide streches of sheet metal to go bang and whang, and dent and twist and so forth on a combine harvester. However, with Pontiac Aztecs I'm pretty sure it would qualify as a service to mankind. Gawd*mn are those things ugly. I'd leave that event with a great feeling of righteousness, of having been part of something great, yet humbly aware that bad design is an inevitable side effect of human existence.
This will be my last installment in this series. I really did like the 12+pack+abs one, though.
Crap, my secret's out!
When I wrote of 12-pak abs, it wasn't with the idea that they are twice as good as six-pak abs, just indicative of a sizable beer habit. Hmm...instead of washboard abs, I might have said washtub abs. Let's see if that draws any misguided muscleheads.
Oh Jonas, you know that you and I are meant to be. Don't fight it.
The REAL combine demolition derbies, it's a clandestine underground circuit, much like cockfighting, dogfighting, and cage match fights. They have cutter bars and augers! The first rule about the Combine Demolition Derby Club is that there is no Combine Demolition Derby Club.
because "auge" is eye in german, i thought maybe that's where the tool name comes from: it pokes "eyes" in things. man was i wrong
(from m-w.com:) Etymology: Middle English, alteration (resulting from false division of a nauger) of nauger, from Old English nafogAr; akin to Old High German nabugEr auger, Old English nafu nave, gAr spear -- more at NAVE, GORE
Date: before 12th century
: any of various tools or devices having a helical shaft or member that are used for boring holes (as in wood, earth, or ice) or moving loose material (as snow)
so it used to be "a nauger", just like a newt used to be "an ewt", and the german equivalent is the mysterious "nabuger", which sounds like something you'd find in your nose. live and learn.
I like words, so this is interesting to me. Also the auger part. The spiral of Archemides is like the Chambered Nautilas, it gets bigger radius as it revolves. The screw of Archemides is a kind of hydralic lift that is a screw in a cylinder, used to pump-out ancient ships. I had an English teacher in high school who got me interested in word origins because she had a passion for words and languages. She broke down the word neighbor on the black board. But Ha! The Webster's says different! She said that it came from Austro-Hungarian "neah" near, "gabor" farmer. Webster's says Old English neah gebur-near dweller. Anyway, when people start using d-tachyphosphatase to facillitate telepathy, images, sensations, and feelings will become more central in communication. Some of the months are named after the Cesars, and days after Norse gods. The Aztec calander has 26 weeks per year and the calander repeats every 52 years. But I think that I took off on Archemides because augers have a helical shaft. Different than an awl.
Sanskrit. I recently read that the UN estimates that more than 3,000 languages may become extinct!
There are so many good
specialty dictionaries . I think that today I'm going to try to clean my kitchen and study some of the specialty dictionaries. The Magic Dictionary, Sailing Dictionary, Theater, Math...so many nice dictionaries! A Glossary of Pumps!
Jacques, it's possible your English teacher and Webster's were both correct. One of my professors at Rutgers anthro program was interested in word roots and early European languages: the meanings of the words are so close (I mean, what dweller WASN'T a farmer in those days) that it's possible that 1) one is a loan word from one to the other language, or 2) they share a common root on Indo-European or proto-IE. Her name is Uli Linke, and based on a websearch she's been busy.
http://www.uoregon.edu/~mfechner/gblinke.html
One of her other fields of study is the cultural anthropology of Germany, specifically focussing on folklore and popular mythos and the way it relates to social consciousness; everything from Aesop's fables to Aushwitz jokes.
She's German, and brave. I wouldn't even want to tease the dominant strains of meaning out of Hansel and Gretel and apply them to the German zeitgeist. Let alone the Aushwitz jokes. I asked her once what native Germans thought about the World Wars. She responded, "They try their damnedest not to."
Another interesting thing we discussed in her class was Disney movies and their occlusion of the mother. The only movie we could think of with a mother in in was Bambi, and she dies in the first couple minutes. Elsewhere you have uncles (Scrooge McDuck and the nephews,) and evil substitute moms (Cinderella, Snow White.) It's not like this changed, really. Where is Ariel's mom in Little Mermaid? Where is Beauty's? I didn't see Pocahantas, but was her mom in it? Did she die at the end alone like the real Pocahantas? I doubt it. Disney rewrites history as well as fiction.
And Cinderella II ! Who thought this up? They've had 50 years to write it, but I bet it still sucks.
Aye, well, considering that the Saxons came from the north German bog and went to both Saxony and England, accompanied by the Jutes, Angles and Danes, who were all pretty much the same bunch, preceded by Celts and whatnot and followed by Romans and Normans, all of whom went to France as well, most old English words are going to be basically German, French or Irish.
Aye, well, considering that the Saxons came from the north German bog and went to both Saxony and England, accompanied by the Jutes, Angles and Danes, who were all pretty much the same bunch, preceded by Celts and whatnot and followed by Romans and Normans, all of whom went to France as well, most old English words are going to be basically German, French or Irish.
I once tried to determine the gender of political entities; like Mother Russia and the Fatherland. America, they call it "her" but have Uncle Sam, they have "Momism" but complain of paternalism. I can't find the reference now, but in the last week, I read of a supposedly huge treasure ship found sunken in the Med that was the coins to buy loyalty prior to some invasion. I don't know if they've actually found gold coins yet, but after the ship disappeared long ago, the captain's body washed up in Gibraltar. It occured to me that pirates got the treasure. I guess that with marauding neighbors, words get moved around and people keep ones that seem useful. Oh, a new study finds that eating lots of bacon increases risk of Type II diabetes by 48% which can be offset by excessive bicycle riding.
From the Vancouver Sun this morning: $6-billion Cdn in 10 tonnes of 10 million gold coins and 100 tonnes of silver coins. But I think the ship is something like 900 metres underwater. Race you to it.
Found Ship May Hold Lost Treasure
Yes, that's it. But unless they've already spotted gold, I'd not be surprised if they found it gone. Louis XIV might have found a way to get it with pirates and bicycles, then do what he wanted to anyway. One thing about treasure hunting, a friend found a sunken treasure off Florida, then had to fight the State of Florida for 7 years in court to get it. He finally won. He likes to dive and likes boats, not cheap habits; so, the treasure collecting helps defray expenses. There's a lot of unfound natural gold, and they are now finding it by satellite; the Earth can be scanned, then go look where the scan says, and there it is. Also, there's a method for making diamonds now, with a nano-carbon matrix and fill in the parts welding with laser. And one guy I know is keen on asteroid mining; one asteroid they've found is about 570 tonnes of platinum! But they'll likely use robots if it's 90 meters down, and/or small subs. Several hundred million is strong motivation.
Krikey. I can't wait until the future, when there'll be grizzled old asteroid miners.
is 14 minutes fast. Unless this site is also of the future. If so, I want tales of the Klondike-471 Free Iron Rush of 2047. (I made that up, I know nothing.)
There's no point in racing for the gold. The ship in question is a warship (the Sussex, I think) and as such belongs to the owning nation, provided that nation still exists. The best you could hope for is a commission for fishing the stuff out. Boats off Florida are a much better bet, being mostly merchant ships captained by holders of Letters of the Marque - private navies if you will, and as such belong to anyone who finds them if the salvage rights can't be determined.
They have little versions of those things in the icee machines at convenience stores to constantly mix the slush. Take a look next time.
Yous are all assholes with big mouths who dont know what tous are talking about. Hipocrytes go jump off a clif.
Don't you love how the most irate comments, the ones which are hateful towards all, seem to feature the worst grammar and spelling? Are you angry at us because english is our first language?
