Thermy

First, it reminded me of Meatmation, and second of "Reddy Kilowatt". And it reminds me of "Petey" who would probably bite rabbit meat at any temperature, either F or C --It also reminds me of the cow that recently escaped her fate, although briefly. I recently saw a photo of a six-patty burger, but it didn't have any bacon. There are books of trademarks and logos in the liberry, but I would be surprised tho find "Thermy" there. Also, "Thermy" looks too damn happy.

I have nothing to say about this.

Perhaps Thermy is really the reincarnation of Ray A. Kroc, beloved sire of the McDonald's franchise, serving out his time for cramming America's gaping maw full of careless assembly-line chow. As penance he must now bear a perpetual, digital grin and serve warning to all anxious burger biters: you have to wait until it's done cooking.

he seems to have a chef's hat, indicating he's a respected member of the culinary community. i consider that unfair, because whenever I run into a restaurant kitchen and stick MY "temperature wand" into the ground beef all I get are very rude comments and misdemeanor charges.

I thought his head was having a nuclear explosion!

All I can imagine is Johnny Cochran's voice.

Also, I wonder if Thermy has any less-well-to-do kin, who found their niche offering guidance about rectal readings ...

Rectal readings? Is that like tea leaves or palm reading? Should I call Miss Cleo?

"... I can see you having a crappy future."

I haven't made a loaf in a week!

Even without the temperature printed on them, to have the lips so flared and the teeth still clenched is not a facial expression appropriate to a jovial cartoon mascot. Away with you, Thermy. Your forced grin will win you no friends here.

Yeah, that's how Ms. Swan smiles.

i now know that it's safe to bite when the temperature is right, but i need cartoon characters to help me through the REST of the beef ingestion process. other members of thermy's dope posse:

Mooey, cartoon udder. catchphrase: "it's not time for eatin' if the meat's still bleatin!"

Abbatoiry, cartoon cleaver. catchphrase: "thoroughly soak the tripe pieces, they're full of rancid bovine feces!"

Mouthy, cartoon uvula. catchphrase: "if you bite your tongue off, don't say i didn't fucking warn you, chump."

to me, his skull-like grimace is a clear sign that thermy has undergone clockwork-orange-style reconditioning at some point. You can just tell he's got a synthesized version of beethoven's 9th looping in his little metal brain, and he's itchin for some of the old ultraviolence.

does he remind anyone else of that little "Speedee" fellow that occasionally graces McDonald's wrappers? I never really understood that guy. I think he was supposed to be some old-school 1950's McDonald's character, before that big purple lump-shaped guy came along to haunt childrens' nightmares (Grimace, I think, was his name. I could come up with some conspiracy theory linking that to Thermy's expression, but I don't feel like it right now).

Also, it's rather curious that the temperature is written INSIDE his mouth. The poor guy looks sort of nervous. Is it because he's got a severe case of hot breath and he's afraid we'll notice? Or maybe that's actually just a big piece of white plastic someone shoved in his mouth (did anyone else's orthodontist use those weird, painful, squarish-shaped things that held your lips way the hell apart so they could take a picture of your teeth, or was mine just a sadist)?

Thirdly, this guy makes me think of an illustration I noticed in my Italian textbook this morning. A (supposely) snazzily-dressed guy is walking down the street with someone who appears to be a homeless man (their arms are linked in "we're off to see the wizard" fashion). Inexplicably, there's this big smiling hamburger (looking not unlike our Thermy) floating in the air next to the homeless-looking man (the caption says something about an expensive restaurant, which I guess has something to do with Burger Head, but I'm not sure what).

By the way, I'm new around here, if anyone keeps track of that stuff. Linked here from the brunching domain thingie, although, alas, I wish I had a story about bestial rabbit meat wizardry to tell...

Will there be t-shirts?

Don't let the locals frighten you. And no, no one's keeping track.

seriousy though, that cow must have gone nuts to jump a six foot fence. cows cant normally jump, i know we have cows. and then drag that 225 pound guy around?? geesh BUT then to be chased by a helicopter???????, what the hell are these people thinking. they scared the sheeee it out of that psycho cow, and police also in a mockery of modern technology. i was surprised that vegetarian, pro-life groups didnt jump on that.

Evidently, somebody's going to adopt the cow. I think that the cow might have a case of steroid rage, like weight-lifters get sometimes. What do they expect when they pump the cows full of growth hormones? But I'm glad that the cow figured out that something was up, and made a break for it.

Anyone else notice that his right hand seems to be holding a gun underneath the bandana? The crazy bastard's taken himself hostage. Bad plan, Thermy ... it's not like you have legs and can run from the cops.

Plus the joke's already been done--you're a hack, Thermy! Read the temperature and get used to it.

Perhaps if the beef grinders had a cute mascot like a chihuahua barfing with a caption, "Don't Undercook Your Beef!"

"That's HOEK, you idiot!"

Thermy's catchphrase should include a footnote to prevent the spread of Mad Cow Disease: "* Assuming the meat is from a cow that was not infected with BSE and/or contains no nervous tissue from said cow."

Still thinking.
If veal calves are never given solid food, then they will never eat BSE-tainted tissue from other cows, and therefore are free of the disease.

I should stop there, but I won't.
I propose a new class of food exclusion: Suffertarianism. Suffertarians will only eat meat if it is likely that the animal it came from WANTED to die. So a Suffertarian could eat, for example, veal, goldfish, Anne Geddes babies, the pets of small children...

I got horking from alt.fondle.vomit! I'll have to check my sources better.

With ground beef, I don't think that they are so worried about BSE, but e. coli and rats that somehow get ground into the product. I'd still eat local Black Angus beef á la steak tartare. Also, there seem to be some protein mutations similar to BSE that are in that same class of prions.

Welcome aboard, Meegan!

Any chance you could scan that cartoon for us? It sounds like something Bil Keane would come up with on LSD.

Hork is a fine word for vomit. Very descriptive.

Ren Hoek, on the other hand, was a chihuahua, who was fond of correcting people on the pronunciation of his name.

My apologies if that was unclear.

www.renhoek.de - that's dirty rock'n'roll

why's he sweating like a pig? does this mean that if it were any hotter, he would be in pain? rough life he must have, perhaps that explains his corpse-rictus grin... and if the beef reached 451 degrees, wouldn't his precious little hat and kid gloves combust?

Asbestos?

A diet solely consisting of suckling pig, veal, and pate de foie gras. It's been mentioned. My old roommate (occasional commenter as "Darkness") once decribed an idea for a veal commercial with Charlton Heston saying "Veal. Because it suffers."

Though Planet of the Apes is one of my favorites, I do wonder about Charlton's mental state these days.

And this does seem like something he would champion...

One good thing about soylent green is that it need not be cooked.

Various actors seem to find odd niches. Heston is always the normal-guy-caught-in-a-hellish-future, Chris Elliot is the abnormal-guy-caught-in-a-mundane-present. Which makes me think that they could make a really good cop movie together.

In other news, a cow orker just observed that Thermy has a stick up his butt. Sometimes the obvious explanations elude us ...

does it hurt when he orks the cows? is tolkien involved somehow?

Yeah, terminator sperm. Or one of those weird South American river things that swims up yer urethrea. Stick up the butt...how can Thermy stay that skinny eating 30% fat? I forget what movie it was, but this guy was going off in an office at a desk, and on the desk there was one of those message spikes. So, the guy must have forgotten that the message spike was on the desk because to emphasize a point, he slapped his hand down on the desk and...

are arrnged so that if you continue the line from her [hands/gloves crlessly stuck on the end of arm-apendages], they link back to form an infinity sign. Thermy the eternal! Its suffering will last long...

Also I thought her hat was a fountain of thick white goo. or a small albino shoggoth [what hidiously animate rectal themomiters will do for fashion]

Thermy is a goverment stooge! http://www.fsis.usda.gov/thermy/

As for us suffertarians, I rather imagine hamburger suffers sufficiently to qualify, as would most meats produced in a modern automated slaughterhouse. If you want minimal-suffering food, prolly make sure it's kosher. My understanding is they slit the throat and let the animal die before they start the cuttin'.

Thanks, Staniel, for bringing my Heston commercia up, as I would have. However, you neglected to mention the opening scenes, with veal being slapped down on grills and covered with tender scallion shoots/ exotic spices, simmered in suspiciously sangine broths, all to the accompaniment of that rollicking psuedo-Bonanza classical music the "Beef: It's what's for dinner" commercials employ to such good effect. Then a quick cut to a grossly distended calf lowing madly, eyes rolling in it's head in a manner which should be sickening, but instead seems to twist your stomach with a savage hunger, since the music has produced THE classic Pavlovian response: your salivary glands have been drooling liquid and you can ALMOST taste the succulent flesh ... the calf is afraid and you can almost SMELL it's helplessness, the camera dips and spins and there's Chuck, with one foot up on the side of the pen, smiling like Satan or maybe your uncle. His ceramic dental caps are blinding white as he says, "Veal," and tears a hunk out of the grilled piece in his hand and bolts it like a wolf. He smiles again, with delicious juices drooling down his chin, and says, "Because it suffers."

The great thing about the concept is it fits into the Secret American Meat Boards Association (SAMBA) requirements for meat-related haiku, the 1 syllable/ 5 syllable format:

Beef
It's what's for dinner

Pork
The other white meat

Veal
Because it suffers

I still haven't figured that out, as it rules out chicken/turkey/venison, etc. I suspect they are engaged in clandestine war with the international poultry/game cartel. Personally I hate veal. It has the consistency of woven tofu, little taste, and takes poorly to most preparations.

Abbatoiry may have to join the cast of thingsihate characters who I'm going to draw, including Knifekitten and Hammerdog because, athodyd, they are priceless.

Damn was that long. I really need to get another job.

"Hope to see you soon ? EVERYWHERE."

Strange.
Bordering on Orwellian, in fact.

Ya, I don't trust the little pervert either.

One thing's for sure: he's no Petey, our rabbit-lovin' patron saint of undercooked meats.

I clicked on the Partners link, figuring to see a list of meat pakers, slaughterhouses, & c, who had agreed to utilize Thermy on their packaging, but no. Only on set of partners, and they're the Food Temperature Indicators Association. The FTIA hardly seem like disinterested observers, eh? I wonder how much squeeze they greased Thermy's dainty, asbestos-mittened palms with? And as if that is not suspicious enough, under that link there's a Supermarket tips section which seems to validate Thermy's Orwellian threat of omnipresence and my suspicions of the FTIA's economic interest. My god ... refrigerator magnets! Personal favorite, though, is : CONTESTS ? Partner with local elementary/middle schools and newspapers to sponsor the following events for area students: spelling contests using words related to food thermometers, food safety, and foodborne illness (snip)

"Alright, Tommy Ritter, third grade, is up next. Tommy, please spell BOVINE SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY."
"Um, okay ... bovine sponge-form enceph ... enceph ... um, encepathy. Bee, ooh, vee, eye, en, eee, es, pee, ooh, en, um ... jay?"
"Sorry Tommy, you were so close!"

Also, can anyone explain why every time (EVERY TIME) Thermy appears on his ego site, his teeth read 160 degrees? As well as on the sticker? That's no good for turkey, you want like at least 175-180 degrees F there. Perhaps SAMBA lurks in the background of this scenario, as well. Enough ill-cooked Thanksgiving turkey-related deaths hit the news, and watch the ham sales soar for Christmas. Enough to put Hatfield in the black for the next two years.

Speaking of Hatfield, how 'bout the little pig on their packaging, again wearing a little chef's hat? I respect Thermy more than him. He's just another Uncle Tom, like Starkist's Charlie the Tuna.

Shortly after the invasion of NYC on 9/11, I heard someone say that instead of Ground Zero, they should call it Ground Hero. This soon disappeared when it was realized that the victims had been pretty thoroughly mooshed between slabs of concrete. I recommend the opening of D. H. Lawrence book, "The Plumed Serpent" for some rousing good imagery of a bizarre goring that takes place during a bull fight. There is a veal slaughterhouse in North Jersey. They use a stunner with a spike that pierces the front of the skull, then zaps them with electricity. I saw some film of a Thai restaurant that somehow cooks fish alive and they are served cooked but still breathing. And everyone probably knows the story of live monkey brains. My friend in Thailand sent me a recent article from the Economist that states: "Economic man would surely never spend his money merely to hurt others, while leaving himself poorer? The professors were shocked to find that even at the price of 25 cents for every dollar burnt, 62% of the participants paid for the privilege of impoverishing their peers."
The Economist, February 16-22, 2002; Page 65

.... fresh fish. Considering a hot wok can cook a whole fish in 2-3 minutes, that must be a narrow line for the cooks to tread. I'd ask for the recipe, but around here it's hard to get live fish. Unless I use my Blind Cave Tetras, and really they're only a nibblet. Better for Italian misto di pesci, which when I ordered in Venice was a plate of mixed whole fried small fish, with some squid. When I first saw the Suffertarian thread, I was surprised to see no one mention lobster. Best way to cook them is live lobster + big pot of boiling water. Not only do they suffer, but you get to watch! BTW, staniel, since you moved out, I got lobster crackers and lobster forks so it's only a matter of time ... also stainless steel chopsticks! The are hollow, like enormous hypodermics, but closed on the end. For now.

"The authors speculate that the plutocrats expect the plebeians, out of jealousy, to destroy their wealth. Pre-emptive retaliation preserves their rank. Nothing irrational about that."

Big lobsters, the claws are great, but the tails can tend to get a little tough. Half a dozen small lobsters are good. One time in Provincetown, they had a 12 lb. claw! With small lobsters, there is more suffering to watch. Lobsters don't scream; it's the air whistling out of their shells.

"...it's the air whistling out of their shells." Yeah, and animals don't have feelings--nice try, Jacques. I oughtta throw a cat at you.

Feeeeelings...Whoa, whoa, whoa, feeeeeeelings; people like their meat different ways. Like the Japanese beef that is massaged, special fed, and seldom allowed to stand up, tender and tastey. Or a bull after being fought, full of juices. Vegetables suffer. Yoghurt has measurable feelings, and it can sense when it's going to be fed. Tobacco plants can communicate, but that doesn't stop me from smoking. The food chain, the top is not the best place to be, what with toxins concentrating there. But I'm OK with omnivore. If you are going to toss me a cat, make sure it isn't one that plays with its kills. I've had many cats that played at hunting. But I had one male cat that had a kill trophy; it was a toy that he didn't bat around and pounce upon; he just trotted around with it, and lay with the kill between his front paws. One female brought me many dead birds, but after she'd removed the liver. I couldn't scold her, it was a gift; although I'd have ocassionally liked a bit of liver myself, that was hers for the kill. I don't worry about crustaceans much, except that lobsters can live a really long time, and I'd like to see more lobsters die of old age. They can get more than a meter long!

I saw a documentary about one species of lobster that routinely grows over six feet in length, and can weigh over 400 pounds. Also, the number of scent receptors in it's armoured skull argues for a sense of smell which is roughly a million times more sensitive than that of a bloodhound. Attempts to train them to track missing persons and act as drug-sniffing crustaceans have, sadly, met with continual failure.

On topic, how does a thermometer sweat? Shouldn't they have bred that out of the species by now?

Yah, but I betchoo that dang lobstar can bust up a brick of Bolivian licketysplit. How doth the little lobstar...
How doth the little lobster
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters on to boil
On every milligram scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

The lobster has a taste for smack
And rare aged Chinese junk
Nothing less than 99%
Will satisfy that punk

wow! do they ever go on rampages through the city, destrying everything in their path? I hope so.
And if you could train them as drug sniffers, I can immagine some poor sod with a bag of craqck running down the street persued by 400lb of natrally armoured crustration. Fantastic.

damn British people


go to this web site http:\members.tripod.comstereocrappyindex.htm

hehe, at first I thought it said 660 degree's... well now was there a point to me saying that? no... probably not.
But al you people can enjoy reading this!

oh yes... and click my link.. it goes to

http://www.zealclan.cjb.net

Good.. well see you all... somewhere...
-Toru

Who even fucking cares??? This is the stupidest shit I have ever seen,
why not spend the time doing something cool, like hanging yourself you fucking hump

I officially declare Thermy to be ULTRAdisturbing.

Great, this has just earned me another sleepless night staring at the ceiling wondering when modern civilization will go squish.