Dwight and the Boat

I was a black man of medium height, short hair, and a soft voice. My name was Dwight. I worked for the railroad, and wore white and blue striped overalls and a matching hat. I don't know exactly what I did at the railroad, but I think it was a pretty good job, because I was happy. I was riding a train around the tracks, a little train like they have at cheap amusement parks, when I heard the yelling and screaming.

The ship was coming through town again. There was a small canal through the center of town, about the size of a street. An ENORMOUS ship, bigger than an ocean liner, was coming down the canal, knocking everything over and killing lots of people. It was destroying a lot of stuff, although I'm not exactly sure how. It was an ill-omened ship.

I don't know why nobody planned for this, because it happened regularly. I think it happened once every year, and every year some brave soul tried to climb up on the ship and ride it out of town, where it wouldn't hurt anybody. They always died, but they were buried in a special hero's cemetery on the outskirts of town. Even if they couldn't find the body, the townspeople would have a little ceremony and a day of mourning. If someone tried to master the ship and died, it still ended the rampage. But if someone could survive taming the ship, the ship would leave the town alone forever, or maybe become helpful.

I run through the streets of town. I think it's in New England. All the buildings are tall and sooty. Dirt is everywhere, except on my overalls and hat. I am proud of how clean I keep myself in this dirty city.

I keep running until I'm next to the boat. It's huge. It is a huge wedge-shape that tapers to the width of the canal eventually. It's like a cartoon woman from the wasp waist up. I realize that only I can stop the ship, so I climb to the roof of the nearest building and jump onto the deck.

The ship senses me and starts bucking and swerving. It's just running amuck throughout the city, killing everything and destroying order. I try to calm it, to get it to trust me. I manage to keep my footing and find a steering wheel, right there in the middle of the deck. It takes a lot of strength, but I manage to control its movement somewhat. It's really hard to do. I try to explain to the boat that it's wrecking our town, and that it doesn't have to do this. I'm crying as I try to steer the boat out of town; I know I'm going to die and that the boat will only come back next year. I'm not sad that I'm going to die, just that someone has to die every year to make the boat leave.

The little podium-like thing that the steering wheel is attached to is out in the middle of the deck, and it's all I have to hold on to.
There's a hole in the middle of the steering wheel that goes right through it, and it's really smooth and inviting. About waist high.

So the only thing to do at this point, really, is to have sex with the boat while I'm waiting for it to kill me.

Suddenly, it slows down. It listens to me. The boat starts to make a purring noise, like everything's working well. There doesn't seem to be the evil atmosphere around, like the boat's going to kill everyone. I continue thrusting in and out of the hole in the steering-thing as the boat carries me uneventfully out of town, no longer knocking buildings over.

I guess we're on some sort of circular waterway, like a kid's play river, because I go through a couple other cities safely, having sex with the boat, and I'm back to my town. By now the news media and the city government are here. Usually, after the boat goes through each town and destroys it, it vanishes completely. But now it's back, and only our city was destroyed, and then only a little bit, really. They hover over the deck in cranes and helicopters, beaming with gratitude and trying to interview me or give me ribbons.

Meanwhile, I'm still going at it with the boat, and I really wish they'd go away. I try to make it look like I'm not having sex with this big angry boat, and I don't think they notice, because the boat makes threatening gestures (I'm not sure how) and scurry off. We keep going in circles. It's been hours and hours, and neither I nor the boat (I think) have climaxed. I don't really mind, because it's kind of fun, I guess, but I'm still worried that people will see me. It's one thing to be Dwight, The Guy Who Saved Us From The Boat, and another thing to be Dwight, The Boat-Fucking Pervert.

Suddenly, a cabin sort of springs up around me. It's nice and private, and it has all kinds of dials and such, like ships generally do. The windows are deeply tinted, and the door is a Dutch door, with only the top opening. The boat has decided I'm staying. I suddenly notice I'm wearing an admiral's top and a captain's hat, white with gold trim, and no pants at all. And I'm still having sex with the boat.

The boat starts stopping at each town, taking on passengers or cargo, then delivering them to one of the other towns. Nobody ever talks to me - I think they think that I'm the only thing keeping the boat civil and they shouldn't bother me, or maybe they've forgotten about me, and think the boat saw the error of its ways and is being a free public transport boat in order to pay for the evil it's done.

I am Captain Dwight, and the boat and I have sex forever.