By: Sean [2002-03-20]

Japan Report 2

Choking down hunk after hunk of raw fish, Sean drinks beer.

So, if you haven't figured out yet, I was in Tokyo on business. I'm not a busnessman. I don't wear a suit, and I don't carry a briefcase, but work sent me there anyway. I wasn't going to complain. I'd never been any farther north than Vancouver, any farther south than Ensenada, and any farther east than Yellowstone. If work wanted to send me to a foreign, world-class city like Tokyo, I was all for it.

Our hosts at the company we were visiting were very polite and friendly. There was Mr. M, who ran the company, and Mr. T, who was in charge of production. Our first day there, they took us to lunch.

It was a small restaurant a few blocks away from the office. With mis-matched dishes and silverware, and a motherly old Japanese lady running the joint, we walked in and took a seat. Me and my fellow travelers, of course, couldn't read the menus, so we had a few suggestions translated for us. I decided to try the day's special -- yakiniku. All of the Japanese guys ordered spaghetti.

It was there that Mr. M asked me what we wanted to do on our first trips to Tokyo. I said that I hadn't a clue, but that I'd been warned not to go to Roppongi. Roppongi, as I had been told by many sources, was the part of town where American servicemen and other foreigners went for sleazy fun.

Our Japanese colleagues though this very funny that I'd been told to stay out of Roppongi. They thought it even funnier that it was my girlfriend from whom the suggestion came. My girlfriend that'd spent over a year cumulative in Tokyo.

"Is she jealous?" Mr. M asked me.

"Well, I think she just thought that if you've only got a few days to spend in Tokyo, there are better things to..."

The men would all start talking amongst themselves in Japanese. The only thing I could catch was the occasional "ROPPONGIIIIII" drawn out and said in the same way you'd say "YOU SLY OLD DOG YOU" to your best friend at his stripper-laden bachelor party as you elbowed him in the ribs.

Mr. M apologized to the three of us that he couldn't take us out tonight. We assured him it was OK, that he was under no obligation to take us out. He assured us that tomorrow he would show us around, and paid for our lunch.

Walking back to the offices, we passed a candy store and he asked us if we liked sweets, saying he wanted to buy us some candy. We told him it was OK, and that if he gave us candy we'd just eat it all before our plane ride home.

The next day, we all went to lunch again. Again I got the yakiniku and again the Japanese guys went with the spaghetti. Mr. M mentioned that tonight him and Mr. T would take us out. To what, we weren't sure, but he started asking us if we were familiar with a place in San Francisco that I don't remember the name of now.

"Is very good," he said. "There is place in Roppongi, '7th Heaven,' that is much like. They have girls there, for the one thousand yen..."

Here he trailed off, uncertain of how to say in english what it was he was describing. Resoring to hand signals, he put his hands in front of them and opened and closed his fingers in the universal breast-honking motion, and then placed his head between his hands and moved it back and forth.

We weren't really sure what to say.

"Yeah," Paul said, "if we could just go out for some drinks tonight, that'd be good."

"Yes, yes, drinks" Mr. M said. "We go out tonight."

He paid for our lunches again, and we walked back to work. At the end of the day, Mr. M and Mr. T tracked us down and said it was time to go. He asked if we had any preference where we wanted to go, and again mentioned 7th Heaven, referring to it this time as a stip club.

"Yeah," Paul said, "strip club is maybe not so necessary. If we could just go somewhere and get some drinks, that'd be great."

"Not necessary?" Mr. M said in disbelief. "OK."

We all got into Mr. M's BMW -- John, Paul, Myself, Mr. T and Mr. M -- and drove downtown. We still weren't quite sure where we were going, but when we stopped and parked in a lot full of very nice cars, he announced that we were there: Roppongi.

We got out, still unclear as to whether or not he was actually going to take us to a strip club. We took off down the street, and in a few minutes went by a Hard Rock Cafe. John and I both stopped in to get t-shirts as we'd been instructed to do by people back home, but Mr. M beat us to the register.

"No, really, you don't have to pay for these. They're just souvenirs," we said. But it wasn't any use.

"He like to buy gifts," Mr. T said.

John wanted to get more, but decided he'd come back later when there wouldn't be someone awkwardly paying for everything he purchased.

We went around the corner to some restaurant that had been pre-selected by Mr M. Of course, it just had to be a freakin' sushi restaurant, because as everyone in Japan knows, Americans love sushi.

I hate sushi. I'd never had it before, actually, but I hate seafood. In my unholy trinity of things I will not eat, pickles are the holy ghost, tomatoes are the son, and seafood is right there at the top -- God himself.

We sat down and the headbanded chefs wasted no time with dishing out the raw fish. At least they had beer, thank god. First was some sort of tuna which is high in fat. I was assured by Paul, whose mother is Japanese, that it was very hard to find back in the states, and even harder to find fresh. Our chefs kept boasting about how fresh everything was. Before the evening was done they must have laid out 10 different types of raw sea creature in front of me to choke down and politely say I liked. The procedure went something like this:

1. Pick up piece of raw sea creature which may or may not feature scales and/or tentacles.
2. Chew on raw meat for 60 seconds.
3. Swallow it, in the exact shape it was in when I put it in my mouth.
4. Mouthful of ginger.
5. Gigantic swig of beer.

Step five was the most important. I must have consumed no less than 4 bottles of beer due to my need to get the flavor out of my mouth after every bite.

I realize Mr. M was being very generous in buying us dinner. I assume it cost a pretty penny, too.

After dinner, we once again hit the street. We followed M's lead, because he seemed to know precisely where we were headed. Down the major bustling street, right into an alley, past the giant stack of air conditioners, and up to the unassuming building with the "7th Heaven" sign.

M and T stood outside the door, talking amongst themselves. John, Paul and I stood a few feet back wondering what the polite way to say you'd rather spend your first night in out in Tokyo doing something other than stuffing dollar bills down a stripper's underwear.

"We go in," M said finally. "Just to look around."

...to be continued...
So that's where Mr. T has been all these years... [2002-03-20 01:52:07] alptraum
I know a girl who worked for a couple years as a "hostess" in one of those bars. apparently the pay is incredible, western women are in demand, and it's not quite as sleazy as you would think, she swears it's mostly talking to whisky-sodden businessmen so that they feel like they are having human interaction...
Japanese Elvii [2002-03-20 05:21:59] Jacques Kitsch
I like the universal breast-honking. I think that I would have asked for an experience involving Japanese school girl uniforms and bukakke, too. And bushido bondage. I have found a list of useful Japanese phrases that I am learning, such as:
"I strangler recommend_______."
"I want to see what's under it"
"I'm looking for a push-up style bra with matching panties"
(Japanese are way ahead of us in the field of push-up panties)
"It's a turkey."
"Do you believe Elvis is still alive?"
travel [2002-03-20 07:45:14] aspcp
The one phrase everyone should know in at least three languages (it can be life-and-death) is:

Is my hair on fire?
Esta mi pelo en fuego?
Est-ce que mon chevaux en feu?
ha! [2002-03-20 08:11:03] staniel
Just when you thought you were safe from strip bar anecdotes!

As an enormous fag, I enjoy sushi. I really hope they didn't hand you any sea urchin, though. I forget the Japanese name, but it's the thing with the look and texture of pudding but the taste of rot and death.
Uni [2002-03-20 08:20:51] Jacques Kitsch
The sea urchin is uni, I think. Ane the eel is unagi. I like to get the occasional quail egg, and watch the sushi man pass the yolk from hand to hand, then put it in the top of a roll. The local store has pickled eel guts.
Uni [2002-03-20 09:38:23] Matt
The flavor of sea urchin, believe it or not, vastly depends on its freshness and the color of the urchin. If it's not within a day or 2 old, you should stay far far away from in. Also, the japanese tend to prefer green urchin, which does have a much stronger "rot and death" taste to it. If you can get fresh purple urchin, I assure you it's a completely different experience.
tuna [2002-03-20 11:13:57] aspcp
I know from Iron Chef that the most coveted part of the tuna is the cheek meat.

I know from the Simpsons that puffer fish is poisonous.

I know from personal experience that sushi really does just taste like raw fish with rice and seaweed, and there's no helping it with any amount of soy sauce.

I know from a sushi-bar-waiter friend that Japanese people will eat almost anything, and usually want to make you try some, then they stand around with amused looks on their faces as you eat it.
raw fish [2002-03-20 11:16:38] winchester
That's the advantage of having discovered fire: no need to eat anything raw. Plenty of lemon and tartar sauce has to disguise any fish I ingest, unless it's that anonymous stuffing type fish mix.
anonymous fish mix [2002-03-20 11:51:10] aspcp
"pasteurized process fish food"

It's excellent and tasty stuff, but you should try swordfish perhaps, as it's less oily and fish-tasting.

Or blackened salmon, stuffed with spinach and feta, covered with butter sauce.

Balogna is, as always, an acceptable substitute for any meat product.
some fish is good [2002-03-20 12:35:23] winchester
I like flounder, salmon and especially halibut. Catfish is good, if treated right.
Alligator isn't a fish, but it's aquatic. I like it fried.
I had a dream I was spiderman.
fugu [2002-03-20 13:05:49] alptraum
the linguistic phenomenon that changed latin "pesce" and "pater" to german "fisch" and "vater" is called grimm's law, after a theory by one of the story-collecting brothers. i think. i have dreams my teeth are falling out. almost every night. i hate it.
um... more info on this pascinating subject [2002-03-20 13:13:04] alptraum
for all you cunning linguists out there
seafood [2002-03-20 13:35:55] DeWalt Russ
I never could stand seafood, which was a constant point of friction with my father, who took me out deep sea fishing every year. My friends all look at my funny when I don't want to go to sushi bars.

More power to you, Sean.
I hate that dream [2002-03-20 13:59:16] winchester
I've had the tooth missing/falling out dream. Yeesh. That's one part of aging I hope skips. I'll take joint pain, wrinkles, gray/gone hair and crotchetiness. I'll even take becoming a self-absorbed jerk who would gladly screw over the rest of the nation for my retirement benefits, just let me keep my own freaking teeth.
dentus fugit [2002-03-20 14:37:09] alptraum
i think the dreams about tooth decay are symbols of my fear of mortality. also i broke off half one of my front teeth on the roller rink when i was 12. a split second, and part of my face was ricocheting off some kid's parachute pants. presto, nightmares for life...
Fish [2002-03-20 14:59:07] Jacques Kitsch
My dad is responsible for my ecclectic appetite, his attitude was eat everything, and anything that isn't home cooking is a delicacy. I like turbot quick broiled, shark with champagne salad dressing, finan haddie, lutefisk, salt cod, clams, oysters, squid, octopus, and raw salmon by the pound, raw maguro tuna. The Philippines have fermented anchovy sauce that's good, I've got two bottles. My friend in Thailand says sushi is cheap there, and he eats it every day. Retirement advice: invest in Enron, and buy US Treasury Bonds.
thanks [2002-03-20 15:18:42] alptraum
now i can switch to nightmares about you and your dad gleefully slurping down cartloads of invertebrates and octopods.
teeth (again) [2002-03-20 15:47:57] winchester
I've twice chipped teeth while grinding them when asleep. It actually evened one out from an elbow I took in a barbaric form of soccer, but now they're rough on the bottom.
Tuna Cheeks [2002-03-20 16:04:56] Jacques Kitsch
I've looked at tunii pretty closely, and I'd be hard put to find their cheeks.
fish cheeks [2002-03-20 23:19:26] jana
...are the bit under the eye. fish have a little roundish jowl-y looking bit there. a host mother of mine told me the cheeks were the best part of the fish, but i didn't agree. then again, she told me whatever part of the fish i wasn't interested in eating was the best part, come to think of it. "you're not eating the skin?! that's the best part!" or maybe it was the fattiest parts that she liked. i swear i gained ten pounds having to eat in her house.
gummy [2002-03-20 23:21:55] jana
i also have dreams that my teeth fall out. i think it's linked to years of pain associated with braces that bring them on though.
Teeth [2002-03-21 01:17:01] DeWalt Russ
I read somewhere once that losing one's teeth in a dream was directly related to the fear of losing virility.

The worst of my tooth loss dreams was set at my elementary school. In class, or perhaps out during recess, I grind my teeth like I am wont to do. But my teeth--especially those in the front--are so thoroughly rotten that they crumble like cookies, leaving only copper wires dangling jaggedly from my sockets. I can't close my mouth for fear of actually feeling the wires and being forced to accept that as my new face. And I can't cry because I'm surrounded by my peers.

UGH
Teeth falling off & raw fish [2002-03-21 03:51:51] Wakboth
Raw fish is good. Of course, it depends on the amount of salt you put to it, and better look out for tapeworms... Swedes make surströmming, which is basically sauerkraut but with herrings instead of cabbage. It smells horrible and tastes even worse, but I kinda like it.

What is it about the teeth? I am not particularly afraid of breaking bones (I don't welcome it, either) but the idea of losing a teeth makes me all squishy and anxious. Having cracked my own front teeth in with an assault rifle (don't ask) did not improve this.
Japanese Teeth [2002-03-21 05:35:09] Jacques Kitsch
Jerry Lewis used to do an imitiation of a Japanese that was pretty much like the stereotypical "Jap" from the WWII propaganda posters with the big black frame glasses and buck teeth. No wonder the French think Jerry Lewis is funny! What's funny to me is the busloads of oriental tourists who are sometimes at the local soopermarket, they are all well dressed, men in suits and women with dresses, going through the aisles of the grocery with surprise and many comments about the products that the locals take for granted. Mostly Japanese and Koreans, the Chinese groups are much more subdued. One friend when I was a kid, he had a Japanese skull that he found in a cave on Guam, and my dad used to tell me that there are still Japanese on those islands living in caves who don't know that the war is over. When I was a kid, I bought a book at the book fair called, "Nine Who Survived Hiroshima and Nagasaki." There were 18 people altogether who survived Hiroshima, and then went to Nagasaki. It was phenomenal bad luck to have gone to Nagasaki after Hiroshima, but I guess it was good luck to have survived both nuke blasts. Some children had grass sticking out of them from the force of the blast, and the radiation photo-etched the sillouettes of people on buildings. Many people had bad burns. Also, I think that the radiation sickness made their hair and teeth fall out. That's why they call it "fallout." Giant crabs soon began marauding the Japanese islands, and many other monstrous creatures which had been mutated by radiation and industrial runoff from the Toyota factory.
we need an online somnodentoclastiphobic support group [2002-03-21 05:52:20] alptraum
i thought i was the only one trapped in a hellish, crumbling prison whose bars are my own traitorous dream-teeth.

also, if you think about it teeth are like part of your skeleton sticking out into the air... spoooky. when i was a kid i read a ray bradbury story about a guy whose skeleton was trying to escape and it really stuck with me. at the end his skeleton takes the guy off like a suit and leaves him on the floor
dead man's party [2002-03-21 06:23:45] Jacques Kitsch
It's a dead man's party
Who could ask for more
Everybody's comin',
leave your body at the door
tooth cracking assault rifle [2002-03-21 06:38:56] winchester
That's why you fold your stock when insanely pursuing your former co-workers through the tight maze of cubicles...
Jaws [2002-03-21 06:53:05] Jacques Kitsch
My planning advisor in college had steel teeth because somebody had hit him in the face with a rifle butt. He was a full bird colonel who'd grown up in Nicaragua when his dad was chasing Carlo Sandino around the banana trees there. Pugil sticks are fun.
John Wayne's teeth [2002-03-21 07:49:22] winchester
Hey-yah, John Wayne's teeth, Hey-yah...are the real are they fake?
George Washington's Teeth [2002-03-21 08:16:00] Jacques Kitsch
At Mt. Vernon, they have a bunch of George Washington's old teeth. One pair was made from pewter, and they turned black when he drank beer. Another pair is made from rhinoceros tusk. At the Treasury Dept. Museum, they have one of Washington's old brandy stills. It would have been fun to live in a time when opium was legal, and gentlemen dueled at dawn, and you could hang horse thieves. Three of the four guys on Mt. Rushmore were surveyors, but not Teddy Roosevelt who rode up San Juan Hill side-saddle with a set of horse teeth. The traditional Hawaiian wedding, the groom turns to the bride at the end of the ceremony, and knocks her front teeth out.
ray bradbury redux [2002-03-21 09:56:37] anon
the skeleton story was about a guy who was super-conscious of his skeleton and didn't like it. he envied fat people for their seemingly effortless concealment/entrapment of their skeletons. he went to a shady practitioner, a small skinny man with sharp teeth and a pointy (read: marrow-sucking) tongue, who saw him for a few visits and made a house call for his last, where he PULLED OUT AND ATE ALL OF HIS BONES. the guy's wife came home to find him in a gelatinous puddle on the floor! yipe! watch out for fake dentists, you kids with your dream teeth issues!

this was one of bradbury's stories that was made into a tv short. it starred Eugene Levy and scared the poopy poop out of me when I was wee.
Wax Lips [2002-03-21 10:29:26] Jacques Kitsch
I have a skeery dream where everyone is wearing red wax lips.
Moonshadow [2002-03-21 12:07:43] Jacques Kitsch
And if I ever lose my mouth
All my teeth, north and south
Yes, if I ever lose my mouth- Oh if...
I won't have to talk...
--Cat Stevens
wax lips [2002-03-21 13:57:28] aspcp
Wax gum is something the Japanese simply wouldn't tolerate.

Not my Japanese, anyway.
come, Friday [2002-03-21 22:57:52] aspcp
Sean, if you could see me, you'd see that my hands are making the breast-honking motion.

Also, if I were more than one person, we'd be clamoring for part 3.
Veggietales [2002-03-24 19:43:21] adlai
If my lips ever left my mouth,
Packed their bags and headed south,
That'd be too bad.
I'd be so sad.
- Larry the Cucumber
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