By: Lauren [2002-03-29]

Office Attire

Not only is "corporate dress" constitutionally offensive, but also pretty offensive to the body, mind and soul

One of the things that I hate most about "Corporate America" is the b.s. outfits that you have to wear to work. Not only is "corporate dress" constitutionally offensive, but also pretty offensive to the body, mind and soul of everyone involved.

Take me for example. Trying to eke out an existence as a technical writer for a huge consulting firm, I am forced (YES, forced) to wear "corporate attire." Being as that the only non-thrift store business wear I could find set back my funds considerably, I was forced to use my imagination in order to come up with more than one outfit that (and here's the hard part) met both the company's requirements for "corporate attire" and my own requirements for comfort.

I am of the new-minded, cosmopolitan attitude that pantyhose of any kind are a device of torture. It's much like becoming a sausage stuffed into a disgusting casing, which undoubtedly bursts at some point in the day. I can honestly say that the few times when I've been absolutely unable to NOT wear pantyhose (is it a coincidence that my mother was present in all of those circumstances? I think NOT.) they've run. All over. To put it bluntly: they suck.

Anyway, as I was saying, trying to find a few outfits to wear to work was difficult. What ended up happening was that I found a pair of dress slacks which actually fit (I'm very short waisted - the female version of the Irish Curse), and bought them in 3 colors. At a pop, that was considerably un-thrifty. So I have these dry-clean-only (don't get me started) slacks in tan, brown and grey. Boring, but these were the colors that I figured would be easy to match with.

Also, I'm color-blind, or matching-inhibited as I sometimes prefer.

So armed with my tri-color uniforms, my usual habit is to rotate them along with various nondescript tops and sweaters. I've been able to maintain a seemingly "corporate" image thus far. Well, if you disregard the stains.

Yes, stains. Even though I'm a fairly clean person, with clean eating habits, I can't seem to avoid staining my clothes. Some days it's a tiny drop of toothpaste, other days a drop of tea. Basically I'd end up spending more in dry-cleaning than I paid for the pants if I actually did something about the stains. Which I don't. Which my boss never fails to point out.

"What is THAT?" he asks.

"Toothpaste," I answer.

As if that should suffice. And it does, but mostly because everyone is sewn up so tight in their "corporate attire" that they're too uncomfortable to discuss anything at length. Perhaps that is it. I've hit on the true purpose of office dress. To just shut everyone up. Seems like duct tape would've been a lot more effective (and cheaper).

slacks slacks stacks smacks tic tac [2002-03-29 00:14:19] casey

I wear slacks almost every day. Slacks are my jeans. Huzzah.

Harassment [2002-03-29 04:27:31] Jacques Kitsch

One company that I worked a while back, shortly after beginning, a young woman was pointed out to me whom I was told had her own large work space due to the fact that nobody was talking to her out of fear and office politics from a harassment lawsuit resulting over a male managment calling her a bitch, either over her rejecting a come-on or some other crap, I forget. But she was under seige, and handling it well, all things considered; I hope that she won. I wore jeans whenever I wanted. Except that sometimes we were required to wear orange jumpsuits, which is fun when you go to lunch, and all the locals think that you've recently escaped from Rahway Prison, and just decided to casually stop off for a pizza. The yellow power tie thing, what a hoot. Men should wear extra ties, too, depending on corporate status; THE BOSS might wear ten ties or more. I like to wear wide ties if everyone is wearing thin ties, and thin ties if everyone is wearing a wide cravat, but I pride myself on being able to tie a wicked windsor knot. I found a helicopter pilot's jumpsuit that has lots of pockets and zippers, I'd like to wear it all the time with boots. I know that body image is important, but I don't know what to say about dressing to fit a somatype. It would seem to me that if one's dress is within normally acceptable social limits, and cow orkers are persisting in making a lot of comments on appearance, one might ask them to desist from this criticism, and that if it does not stop, there would be grounds for a harassment case. When I did some writing for a company, I dressed casual. We had front men who wore suits, and the backroom boys who didn't. They sent me to present a study at a press conference, and it didn't occur to me that it would be televised, so I still dressed casual. Sometimes, I wear a slouch hat and an eyepatch just for effect. Office politics suck, I'm surprised that there aren't more Dilberts going postal.

Or... [2002-03-29 06:11:31] Jacques Kitsch

Act like that Hellen Brockleyvitch chick, get a push-up bra. Then when you got some toothpaste drips and the guy asks what's that, lean toward him, show him some clavicle and cleavage, lick your lip gloss and say in a breathy, sultry voice, "Cum stains!"

Piercings [2002-03-29 09:37:57] Becca

Funny, my boyfriend and I got in a huge fight about this last night *grr* I work in the "corporate world" as an office bitch, and have to wear the demeaning attire. Matter of fact, im loathing the very panty hose i'm wearing at the moment (and there is a run right across my toe) *double grr* freshly opened this morning. Anyway, I have 8 piercings, only my ears and my tongue are visible though. My ears are stretched to 6 gauges and my tongue is a 4 ga. My manager called me into her office the other day, and informed me that she had to give me a written reprimand for my tongue ring and to not wear it again because "thats not the image we here at *name of my company* wants to portray." Frankly, I was pissed. I understand that becuase i work here i have to follow company policy, but the fact that she said "thats not the image we want to portray" she implied that people with piercings exude a bad image. So after searching in every tattoo and piercing shop in Deep Ellum in downtown Dallas my heart was broken that no one made 4 ga clear tongue rings!! Hot Topic is a god of a store (they had one) *dances* My point, desk jobs, company policy and corporate attire suck.

de-collared [2002-03-29 13:57:57] Grey Man

I work for a large chain bookstore that until a few years ago required all male employees to wear neckties. One day they apparently realized that they didn't pay us enough to force us to dress 'professionally' and announced that ties were no longer mandatory. As word spread throughout the store, the ties were immediately ripped off, and in a couple cases flung in the air ceremonially.

It was an oddly liberating experience. Though I still would have preferred keeping the ties and making more money.

oh please [2002-03-29 15:58:16] winchester

My wife is supposed to wear pantyhose. Garters are more comfortable, and I told her to tell anyone who tries to check that her psycho husband owuld be glad to wrap a pair tightly around their necks until their IQ dropped to the point that they wouldn't remember what pantyhose even were.

My job: No piercings, hair can stand no more than 2 inches above the scalp when picked combed or teased, must not go below the bottom of the collar when allowed to hang freely. No fad styles such as cornrows, ducktails or mohawks. May be frosted in natural colors that do not clash with hair. one ring per hand, one necklace, so long as it remains non-visible. Mustaches allowed, edges must not go below bottom lip. Lower lip whikers are allowed, but only 1/2x1/2 inch just below lip ("Soul Patch"). Sideburns may not be flared or mutton chop style.

moustache requirements [2002-03-29 17:02:49] noisia

they present a lower limit that your facial hair may not pass under, but they do not have an upper limit

Hitler's Moustache [2002-03-29 20:31:05] Jacques Kitsch

In WWI, Hitler had a fine big Prussian moustache, but he got gassed in the fight, so he trimmed his moustache down to the one we've come to know and love so that it would fit inside a gas mask. I tought about this when I got my gas mask certification. Hugo Boss, the noted designer clothing house, made Hitler's corporate attire. Here's some pictures of the Fall 1937 Collection.

Tongue piercings and the corporate environment. [2002-03-30 01:49:27] Lynch

In my wild, pre-marriage youth, I used to date a girl who had two tongue piercings. We worked together in the customer service department of an electronics store. Our boss told her that she had to take them out. She removed one... but the ball on the top of the other one wouldn't turn at all. I know this because she had ME reach in and try to turn it. So she left it in. Our boss suggested she see a doctor.

I don't work there anymore, and I don't even know where that girl went. But I know two things: 1) That remains, to me, one of the most outstanding examples of pop culture clashing with corporate culture, and 2) our boss was a real pain in the ass.

jl

Hitler's Prince Albert [2002-03-30 04:34:19] Jacques Kitsch

Hitler had a Prince Albert; it was a joint venture between Hugo Boss and Krupp Steel Werke.

Is the military now allowing soul patches? [2002-03-30 13:24:24] Gundo

Winchester, the standards from your job sound just like the Army, circa 1990 anyway, except for the lower lip whiskers.

Braided Nose Hair [2002-03-30 20:05:23] Jacques Kitsch

At the Naval Research Laboratory, the rules were no jewelery and no long hair that might get caught in machinery, but there were more than an average number of beards, and some of the secretaries were all trolloped-up. An aside, Sean's excellent interview with eXtreme Elvis is referenced on that site. Also, it appears that eXtreme Elvis participated in a funny Berkeley Liberal baiting event in People's Park.

Bay Area Patriots! [2002-03-30 20:15:59] Jacques Kitsch

Bay Area Patriots Association

winchester [2002-03-30 22:05:45] casey

you're insane.

George Ade [2002-03-31 05:50:37] Jacques Kitsch

"To insure peace of mind
ignore the rules and regulations."

"One man's poison ivy is
another man's spinach"

--George Ade

thank you [2002-03-31 06:55:47] winchester

for the compliment. However, I would like to point out that I am sane. Everyone else is INsane, and trying to steal my magic bag.

[2002-03-31 21:47:20] Jonas

I'll have that bag yet.

winnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnchester [2002-03-31 22:52:22] casey

oh ho, winchester, that's where you're wrong. sane people are the ones who say "OH I SO KRAAAAZY!" Insane folk insist on their own sanity. I see right through your black magics.

WooooWoooo! [2002-03-31 23:09:02] Jacques Kitsch

They think I'm insane,
But I'm really a train!
WooooWoooo!

gauges forck [2002-05-02 06:27:37] justin justice

fuck anyone that makes fun of the way i dress or my gauges i got my own fuckin style and its the shit...unlike other faggots out there..
just wear your gauges and dont give a fuck about what anyone thinks...
do what you like......later

All content copyright original authors; contact them for reprint permission.