By: Danielle [2002-04-01]

My Autobiography

Written as part of my application to Ryerson University (Broadcast Journalism)

Yes, I want to be a broadcast journalist. I want to be on TV. I want to travel. Etc. The only university offering a B. Journ. is Ryerson, which is located in my favouritest city in the whole wide world: Toronto, Ont. This is my destiny, I'm absolutely sure of it. However, I've already (already!) hit a snag in my plan to attend Ryerson. I must include, in my application, a one-page autobiography. Well, boys and girls, I have a confession to make. My life, as I know it, has been completely pointless and unbelievably dull. I've done nothing (nothing at all) with myself. This is my third (and most desperate (the application is due on the 5th)) attempt at writing my autobiography. Any suggestions or criticisms would be greatly greatly appreciated. Well, here it is. Help.

I think it's a shame that autobiographies have to be filled with boring details. I suppose that's the whole point of an autobiography, really. When I first tried writing about my life, I realized just how little I've done in my 18 years. I have all the hope and ambition in the world and a desire to make something of myself, yet these things haven't really manifested themselves in any of my actions. Nothing remarkable has ever (ever!) happened to me. My promising life has been marked by unfortunate good luck; I've never had to save granddad's farm, I've never had to fight cancer or tuberculosis or whatever disease is popular nowadays. I haven't ever been able to write dark and angsty prose and my teenage rebellion involved getting my tongue pierced (o! so hardcore). Why? I think it looks pretty. Does that sound rebellious to you? I bet it doesn't. My life story has been uninteresting, to say the least.

I suppose you'd like the very dull details. I was born the second of three children on September 17th, 1983. I lived the first five years of my life in a tiny town in Northern Ontario named Hawk Junction. My family moved to Sault Ste. Marie in the summer of 1988 At the time, the Sault offered to us hope, a bright future and, most of all, a steady income. I began kindergarten at a local french catholic elementary school, my father worked at the railway company. I learned how to read at an early age, mostly just to prove to my parents that I could. I guess I've always been a determined and stubborn person. These traits in a young child can sometimes lead to temper tantrums and willfullness but I was always an even-tempered little girl. Years passed and no remarkable event occured to young Danielle. I graduated from grade 8 in 1997 and continued on to the only french high school in the area. My fondest memories of my teenage years are the times I was the happiest, including the first time driving on my own (it was a blizzard and I was driving in the States, eep), my first roadtrip without my parents (to Toronto, for a concert), my first boyfriend (he gave me a ring for our one-month anniversary, double eep) and the adventures I've had with my best friend (too countless to name). I've changed quite a bit as a person since my first year of high school. My tastes are a bit eclectic; I love Otis Redding and 70's punk rock, ties with dress shirts, films featuring Steve McQueen or a teenaged John Cusack, and writing. Those are my passions. Unfortunately, I've never really travelled much. I've never left Ontario, ever. I've visited some cities in Michigan, of course, but that's simply because the Sault is a border town. It doesn't exactly make me a worldly and sophisticated international jetsetter. That's my main ambition in life; to travel and see the world. Well, that brings us to the present. I am on the verge of graduation, adulthood and the future. I think it's time I had some excitement in my life. University, a career, these things will break my dull streak. For that reason, I am looking forward to the future and anticipating things to come.
Cirriculum Vitae [2002-04-01 00:21:53] Jacques Kitsch
There is a sort of public broadcasting and international television station here that has internships. The actual transmitter part isn't much, but they have a great selection of video tapes. There is a big sort of warehouse sized area that has different sets for different tv shows, so they can dolly the cameras around without having a lot of cameras. There's a funny lady who is the receptionist whom one meets on the way in at the desk, and she gets made-up spooky to co-host the Saturday night horror movie show. One local weather lady on one of the network channels, she wears shoulder pads that are TOO BIG! Please don't wear too big shoulder pads, especially if you are going to be a weather lady. I would think that the competetion to get CBC internships would be fierce, but from what I remember of Canada, people are nicer that the States, and if one was in a uni course, an internship would likely be part of the package. One of my girl cousins was too tall, 6'3", and very thin; she studied journalism and got a job as a fashion editor for a big newspaper. For me, I've been thinking what great fun it would be to write restaurant reviews, and get paid to do the restaurant circuit here; I would stike terror into the hearts of waiters and sommeliers alike.
way to go [2002-04-01 01:27:02] casey
remarkably enough, this is not boring. in fact, I LIKE IT!!!

boo yah.
r's [2002-04-01 06:14:58] Jacques Kitsch
I meant "strikes" not "stikes" I'm having difficulty with my r's, no pun intended. I looked at their website for Reyerson Journalism-Broadcasting Major, it all looks like good stuff. Also, the RTA-Radio and Tele Arts Dept. looked very good. Last week, I met a Romanian comp sci major; students today know more stuff than average adults.
Danielle... [2002-04-01 10:10:37] staniel
Are you planning to abandon your fatherland? It seems unemployment is pretty bad in Canada right now, and considering the amount of Canadians in the entertainment industry here, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that a lot of US journalists are from up north as well.
staniel [2002-04-01 10:25:01] Danielle
I wouldn't be against working in the u.s., it seems like they're usually at least a little ahead of us in the journalism department. I wouldn't mind relocating anywhere, really. I'm flexible.
Deadline is looming.. putting together my portfolio as we speak.
[2002-04-01 10:55:32] deranged thingsihate fan
I admit I'm sleepy but I thought for a long time that Danielle must be a triplet. Now i've come to see that she was born on September 17, 1983 by herself, but the second of three children born in the family.

Did they tell that you had to tell the truth in your autobiography? I don't think any eightteen year old has much to say. You could try writing a eulogy instead. Then again, maybe that would come off too angsty. Good luck though.
Danielle on TV [2002-04-01 11:17:27] Sean
Danielle... for your first television appearacne, I think you know what shirt you should be wearing.

Allow me to take a crack at it:

The rains poured down and lightning flashed across the sky on the stormy October night that I was born. Mother went into labor suddenly and without warning, but my father couldn't take her to Doc Johnson's place because of a downed tree on the road between Hawk Junction and Canadianville, where he -- the nearest doctor -- lived. Dad said that they couldn't get to the doctor, but Mom told him the baby wasn't waiting. Dad pulled the lace from his boot and boiled it in a pot on the wood stove, along with some eggs.

"Why are you boiling eggs?" Mom asked him between pants as she employed her practiced breathing techniques.

"I thought we might be hungry," Dad said. "And also, that gypsy..."

"We agreed we wouldn't talk about that!" Mom snapped back suddenly, forgetting her breathing. "I'm not going to start our second child's life off based on what some ragged old fortune teller on the street said."

-------
someone else continue this, i should probably do some real actual work now
Um . . . [2002-04-01 11:22:08] Pop
Before committing yourself to broadcast journalism you might want to consider the type of people you'd be working with for the rest of your life. Notice how excruciatingly painful it is when the local pinhead anchors desperately flail at ad-libbing to fill the last seconds of the show? They're like that EVERYwhere. I have to stuff my fingers in my ears and hum.
Flexible!?!? [2002-04-01 14:10:20] Jacques Kitsch
How flexible are you? You mean like double jointed!? Anyway, if you are bilingual, that can't hurt. Here is where AOL lives, and I thought that when they merged with Time-Warner that it would revolutionize music, movies, media, internet, and everything else, but not so far. If people can get everything from one cable, or wireless, it's got change something, but I don't know what.
News anchor chit-chat [2002-04-01 14:49:47] Sean
I like the idle chit chat that news anchors make at the end of the show. Especially the bad jokes. I've never understood why news anchormen have to look like car salesmen, or why anchorwomen have to look like marketing graduates.

"The parade organizers said the giant Garfield balloon was re-captured 17 blocks later."

"That's one giant cant *I* wouldn't want in *my* house."

"Ha ha ha, no, neither would I, Sally."

[pretending to talk to each other while cameras zoom out and theme music starts playing]
Announcer Trends [2002-04-01 15:04:18] Jacques Kitsch
I think that the Brits got a Hindu pixie kind of lady newscaster, so they got one here in Washington, not to be outdone. One radio guy from the American University radio station moved to network TV news, Derek McGinty; he shaves his head, but he's a good announcer for all that. One of my favorite announcers is "Marvin Hairhat"
what's in a name? [2002-04-01 17:42:07] aspcp
Wolf Blitzer: you can tell this guy's pretty badass. His name is Wolf. WOLF!! And in German, his last name has something to do with lightning!
Flip Spiceland: I'd wager this is his real name, oddly enough. I can't see anyone calling himself "Flip."
Stone Phillips: Maybe somebody, somewhere, is really named Stone. This guy, though... I think he took it from a soap opera character or something. Stone. Rock. Ridge. etc. Does the name Cliff fit here? I'm not sure. I'd like to see somebody named Cleft or Divet or something. Or, like that old MST3K joke -- Gristle McThornbody.

Danielle, maybe you could just be "Danielle," like Madonna and Cher... and Pink. "I'm Danielle, and this has been your daily dose of Vitamin D." Then you could say something trendy like "Peace out."
Danielle! [2002-04-01 18:24:17] Jacques Kitsch
I just hope that she doesn't end up with one of those 1-hr afternoon shows with her name all swirly italics Danielle! and sponsored by some yeast treatment product.
- [2002-04-01 19:11:48] Beverley
Hey, I'm also applying to Ryerson...I'm in a rush putting my package all together now! When are you mailing yours off? (I honestly thought it was due on the 8th and not the 5th!)
Anyway it's really good. My autobiography is crappy compared to yours! Good luck :)
wowow [2002-04-01 21:45:57] Danielle
Sending my package out wednesday, probably. They said to send it as soon as possible and you know me, at first (mid-feb) I was all okay I'll get it done like next week and send it and oh boy i'll be one of the firsts to get it in! and then sure did procrastinate like mad. I just got 2 reference letters yesterday and photocopied all my previous published work and bam! all set.

i'm pleased by the positive feedback, i actually talked to my journalism hero tonight when i was at work, Mr. Bryan Bicknell. He's the reason I'm going into broadcasting at all i told him so and got his autograph and woo it was great
exciting adventures [2002-04-02 02:34:57] Lou Duchez
I think I'd agree with the others, it's not fair to expect too much adventure out of a mere eighteen years of life. Eighteen years is enough to have all the bits and pieces in place so that you can start adventures, not recount adventures that happened years ago.

If you wish, you can lament this point:

"Having read too many Hardy Drew and Nancy Boys mysteries as a child, I feel that my life has been rather inadequate in terms of adventures, mysteries, and international intrigue. I would love to tell you about when I was 15 and I found myself in [spin a yarn involving Budapest, an Apache attack helicopter, and a little old lady with poisoned knitting needles]

"But alas, I cannot, because it didn't happen."
"Kuala Lala--pure. Kuala Lum--per... France!" [2002-04-02 13:29:19] Jonas
Are you going to get as mad as hell and not take it anymore?
hmmm... [2002-04-02 13:31:35] winchester
If you were bilingual, you could get your tongue pierced twice.
Ummm... [2002-04-02 14:11:47] Jacques Kitsch
If you lived here, you'd be home by now.
konig [2002-04-02 17:50:50] casey
if someone lived there, you probably would have killed them and used their flesh to upholster your furniture. and then turned it into an anecdote and posted it at thingsihate.
Feh! [2002-04-02 18:15:40] Jacques Kitsch
Feh! I was just quoting a line from Firesign's "How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You're Not Anywhere at All" when the guy is going down the Old Antelope Expressway reading the road signs and billboards, and he's going past a subdivision development that's called "Shadow Valley Condoms-(If you lived here, you'd be home by now)" just before he hits the climate control for "Land of the Pharos"
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
FEH!! [2002-04-02 23:17:05] aspcp
I think maybe a country song says that as well. This reminds me of a thought I had after reading Annnnnna's description of Matie, as posted by POP!... She once killed a man in Reno, not to watch him die, but just so she'd have an amusing anecdote for later.

The thought: it would be o! so hardcore to kill someone, not to have a general anecdote, but just because someone you met once at a party might think it was funny if you ever saw him again and told him.
by the way, [2002-04-02 23:18:31] aspcp
Matie is POINTY!! Watch out for her.
while i'm thinking (not TOO hard) [2002-04-02 23:28:18] aspcp
Japan is the worst place in the world for an epileptic child to live. If they had something like the ADA in the states, everything would be goldie-toasted. Since they apparently don't, epileptic children are just out of luck.

I thank my lucky stars daily that I wasn't born Japanese and/or epileptic (either would be awful).

I like candy. Once when I was out looking for four-leaf clovers, I found a busted lollipop, which I was too astonished to eat, and now it rests on my mantle, next to the jar of fingernails. I'm considering edibling either/or. Along with other various comestibles.

If a knight (in presumably metal armor) were to place strong magnets in his shoes, so as to surround himself with their field, would he live forever?
you are a good writter [2002-05-02 17:02:37] scott
...that's all. i hope the unfortunate good luck doesn't run out. or maybe it should. i dunno.
cookie monster [2002-05-02 17:04:31] scott
this is off the topic but can somebody tell me why this website is asking my computer for space to store a cookie? i'm a curious bastard and was just wondering.
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