The Unbearable Itchy Red Bumpiness of Being

Socialised healthcare is a great idea. If you were doing something useful, think how much more of it you could do if you were healthy all the time due to being able to see a doctor when you needed to instead of diagnosing yourself with yellow fever and promptly dying of Streptococcal shock. Also, you'll probably find you stay healthier if you never read medical dictionaries. The yellow fur on your tongue coinciding with the appaling headache and discoloured urine is probably a hangover, but if you read a dictionary, you'll discover you have bubonic plague, a brain tumor and syphilis, which isn't too great.

There was a mysterious rash that passed through here, it mainly affect primary school kids, mostly a prickly heat-looking rash on the insides of their arms. So, the first thing everyone was jumping to the conclusion of smallpox. With the headache AND backache, I was thinking of the various menningitis strains. The enemy biolabs have been working on cross-breeding critters like putting AIDS DNA in cat scratch fever so that it's more contagious. There was a recent health warning that the annual conjunctivitis outbreak is more than 300% as widespread as usual this year. I'm getting a bubble.

Myself, I still subscribe to the school of thought that most disease is ultimately caused by stress and internal disharmony. Granted, there are virii and allergens and so forth, and they certainly play a role in things. But I submit that their role is to take advantage of an out-of-whack human rather than to put the human into an out-of-what state.

Ever know anyone whose job was so stressful that they got sick? If not, you should come to where I work: two out of our three Mikes are perpetually flirting with total collapse because they don't know how to release stress efficiently. Whereas I remain healthy because I know when the stress has built up too far, and I'm careful to restore myself to a proper balance before it's too much of a problem. (Well, except for a medical problem that sprung up in January after all my stresses in December, but I got that under control pretty quickly, so it's neither here nor there.)

That all having been said ... hope you're feeling totally better now, Staniel.

Environmental pathogens will tinker with the immune system, too. When I was getting the hazmat propaganda, the instructor told us stuff like plan on not having more kids due to mutanogens, and that some chemicals cause "leukemia-like" symptoms. I hate to bad-rap Jersey, but Jersey is one of the places that's notorious for hazardous-waste sites. As far as I know, the general level of environmental contaminants is still increasing. One international development course that I had in graduate school cited a world computer model that had a giant crash due to DDT that had been pumped into the system prior to 1960, it may be that the system will crash due to toxins already in the environment as they filter up the food chain. I like the scenario that just the bees not doing their job could crash everything because they pollenate about 80% of the plants. Any case, stuff like lead and mercury and other heavy metals can cause other sensitivities, getting toxed on one thing can change tolerance levels for other compounds. But that the US stopped using DDT in the 1960's and the level of DDT in the Greenland icecap continues to increase is skeery, they measure it in Greenland because it's distanced from sources and isolated, and therefor a good indicator of general global pollution levels.

For all its supposed long-term harms (and the fatality figures attributed to DDT are still open to debate), the chemical does have 2 huge benefits: it kills mosquitos, and it does so very cheaply.

As such, malaria was almost extinguished in many third world countries until we pressured them to stop using DDT, and now it's back up in the major causes of death chart. Then again, I guess if you're worried about overpopulation, you'd rather have dead humans and live mosquitos.

I'm not a big fan of yellow fever nor West Nile Virus. Also, I don't favor draining all of the wetlands. One big source of skeeters here is discarded tires with water in them. I've heard of genetic solutions like sterile male skeeters, but maybe there would be unforeseen longterm effects of tinkering with those genes. Some parts of the world, they have shisto and cholera all the time. My first trip out of the US, I had to get cholera and smallpox shots. What the hell, survival of the fittest; but I'd hate it if the skeeters turned out to be the fittest. Or cockroaches. That mysterious plague of red spots that afflicted school kids here spread to seven states, but I don't think that it was ever identified.

But the human body is wonderful, in the original sense of being full of wonder. As in: "I wonder what this rash is?" "I wonder why I'm coughing?" or "I wonder why my heart stopped beating?" Yes, any doctor, biologist, or biochemist will tell you that the human body is just chock full of that damned wonder.

I don't get sick often. Possibly because of immunities I built up in my childhood, which I spent playing in dirt, but I don't see how that would work. The only thing that should have given me an immunity to was dirt.

Mostly I get bad colds once a year, and recently I had some kind of 24-hour gastrointestinal thing. It was pretty gross. I live in the #1 part of the U. S. for Lyme Disease and rabies, but I've never had either.

Lou, you want to talk about internal disharmony... It's fucking wonderful you can "will away" the germs, but if you dont stop fucking touting how Lou Duchez is so goddamn harmonious that he never gets sick and going over your fucking positive energies superstitious bullshit every motherfucking time anyone mentions they have a sniffle, I swear to baby fucking jesus you'll be willing my goddamn foot out of your ass while I'm busy turning you into a "out of whack human."

Have you ever consider the fact that you're so goddamn annoying no one wants to be near you, and thus cannot infect you?

That all having been said, I hope you choke to death and die.

Love,
Halcyon

Hey Halcyon,

Do you ever -- and I mean ever -- have anything useful to contribute to a conversation? Seriously, I've been looking for indications of insight, and I can't find any.

You're welcome to surprise me, any time you like.

I attribute my robust health and boyish charm to Winking Lizard BBQ Sauce! Although it does have the untoward side effect of producing a continuous erectile state, I find that this is not necessarily a liability as it puts me in the oosik category.

Mallory? Mallory, is that you?

Mine expired in March (the sauce, not the, um... well, you know), but one bottle wasn't opened yet so I decided it must still be fine, and indeed, it is.

I think Halcyon neatly illustrates Lou's idea of the worthlessness and little-intelligence-required-ness of cut-down-humour. I'm a big proponent of sardonic sarcasm, which generates my reputation as an Asshole, but it's never meant to be malicious, just extremely dry. Otherwise I'm just quoting The Simpsons.

Although I think Halcyon has a point, and I too would like an expository article from Lou regarding his health practices: the Whats, Hows and Whys. The closest I achieve is when I'm terrifically hungover and in a moving vehicle, repeatedly telling myself "I'm not going to throw up, I'm not going throw up" in the hope that I'll persuade my insides to believe "Hey, he's right: we don't want to throw up!" It has worked unfailing to this date.

I think that it's been documented that people who are anger-prone have more heart and stomach problems, and that people who are more fear-driven have more lung problems; this might be entirely due to adrenaline levels. But it is possible to change adrenaline levels to some extent. Some people can stop their hearts for some time, I've only succeeded in making my heart skip a beat occasionally, and the only use that I've found for this great rare talent is to annoy the physicians when they are trying to take my pulse. I've also developed the ability, which method I learned from Juanita Santo Gavacha, the noted Philippine psychic surgeon, of being able to remove all of my giblets through my navel, rearrange them, then replace them in a pattern fashioned after a Calder mobile.

Okay, a little bit of expositude.

I've had my share of colds, fevers, illnesses, etc., same as anyone else. But some years ago, someone introduced me to the notion that stress and disharmony are where disease starts. To all you who think I'm full of crap about this, I invite you to pay attention to your own life. I'm betting that, for most people without any congenital problems or who aren't contending with sheer age, illness virtually never rears its head unless you treat yourself poorly.

From a purely physical perspective, failing to get enough rest is a good way to get out-of-whack. But mentally ... that's where I get myself most into trouble, and I suspect most people are this way. We tend to give in to anger, or fear, or other vaguely obsessive emotions, and it wears us down.

The best way I know of to restore inner balance is to do simple breathing exercises, and to deliberately let go of emotions that take up too much energy. If this sounds simplistic, again I invite the skeptic to try it for himself. Either it will work -- which is a good thing -- or else it won't and you can laugh at me while coughing up blood -- again, a good thing.

I don't advocate an "iron willed" approach to beating disease; that too just drains your energy. Nor will positive affirmations help. It's a lot simpler than any of that: the body will try at all times to bring itself back to health, and all you have to do is not gum up the works. If your body wants a nap, take one; and stop obsessing about things. Just relax, on all levels, and let the body attend to itself.

I've also noticed that an elevated temperature precedes the onset of illness, in general. This isn't chicken-and-egg talk: rather, when you notice that your temperature is elevated for no discernable reason, that's a key sign that your body is rarin' to get sick. Immediately start looking for stress and letting it go, and do some breathing exercises too. If you can get your temperature to drop (sometimes within a minute), you can feel reasonably sure that you've dodged a bout of illness. I find it's always easier to forestall illness than deal with it after it's in bloom.

I've had an excellent track record doing these simple things, but every now and again (say, every couple years) I blow it and get sick. I've noticed that this has the effect of sapping just enough of my energy that I can't really obsess about minutiae anymore. Odd how that works: the disease effects the cure, albeit in a roundabout way.

This probably isn't article-worthy material, but again, I invite one and all to actually consider it with an open mind.

in the future, please respond to insults such as halcyon's with burning retorts and slander. it would be much more entertaining than your polite defusal of the hostility.

You B my hero!

I agree, doctors suck. You'll end up paying exorbitant fees and contributing to the overmedication of society if you go to a doctor right off. I know so many people that traipse on over to their physcians like good little societal minions the minute that they contract a case of the sniffles. It's silly.

Now, this isn't to say that common sense shouldn't come into play; it's just 'tarded to let symptoms persist/get worse if they've been continuing for a long time. But I think that people would have nice, strong immune systems like mine if they'd just lie in bed and drink OJ instead of loading up on antibiotics.

And socialized medicine is the answer! Yes! The capitalist machine just wants us to think it's not relevant or applicable because it's "detrimental to business". Since when is saving peoples' lives a business?!? This country is sick, I tell ya.

Show us your red bumps!

i haven't been to the doctor in years myself. but at some point i think it becomes less a sign of stoic manliness and more a sign of being a big scaredy cat.

Ya, a little bit of common sense is in order, as to when to call in doctors.

If you've been bitten by a rattlesnake, don't do breathing exercises; go to the doctor and get some antitoxin. If you've got a compound fracture, breathing exercises aren't going to set it.

Lou, I like you and all that, but if we're out in the desert and you get bit by a rattlesnake, you are probably going to die.

Staniel: Change your laundry detergent? You're not used to thinking like someone whose immune system regularly overreacts to external stimuli, whereas, as you know, I am.

BODY: "OH NOOOOO! Oak pollen! That will KILL US!"
DARKNESS: "Um, no. I can handle it, we're fine..."
BODY: "NOOOO! I must generate quarts of mucus, with much sneezing!"
DARKNESS: "Of course you must."

What you're describing sounds like a classic contact allergy, IMHO. The fact that over the counter anti-H diminished it seems to bear this out. If it were respiratory, I'd agree with the "floating on the breezes" bit, but this sounds like a dermatological reaction. Does it get worse through the day? Then it's prolly on your clothes. Change back to old brand Mom used to use out here on the right coast.

This assumes you weren't taking a generic penecillin or sulfa antibiotic for the flu-like superbug you had. If you were, you may have developed an alergy to the meds. I also developed a rash when I got penecillin allergy. In which case, stop taking them immediately, or you will DIE. That is all.

Lou: I'd like to agree with your holistic approach to mental/physical health, and in fact to an extent I do. Someone constantly stressed out will lower their immuno-response, and happiness does help heal: research done with bringing puppies into hospitals has proven it. I rarely get properly sick, maybe because when angry I vent exhaust rage gases at the same rate as a V8 in full-throated song, and then I'm done. And at peace. And that's only for the really big stuff; I don't sweat the details.

But my body, like Staniel's, is a constant source of misery, and mine is due ENTIRELY to my body's reactions to common everyday molecules that don't have the slightest effect on anyone else. Molecules which literally would not hurt a fly. A week out of every month is spent (best case) with tissues constantly on hand or (worst case) feeling like the flu has just raced through me, weak and achy and exhausted merely from sneezing. That's over a quarter of my life, spent battling my body's zealous reaction to meaningless molecules.

So forgive me my skepticism, as I cannot even get my own body, let alone some invader, to back off with chi. I used to feel the way you do, that I was so well-balanced as a person that few things affected me. Then I passed 25, and realized that I didn't know dick about myself, or the world.

The last time I really got sick, it was brought on by an infection spawned by the allergies (streptococcis, an old friend who visits often, usually bringing relatives. He uses the guest room in the tonsils.) This bloomed into pneumonia, though I didn't know it, and little more than a week after I started feeling sick, I woke up and the left side of my face didn't move. At all.

I had contracted Bell's Palsy, a viral infection which can only take hold of a weakened immune system. It's what Lyle Lovett has. Because it can be permanent if not treated fast enough. If I had gone to the doctor, I would have been diagnosed with the pneumonia and things would never have gotten to that point. So I spent a two week on antibiotics and steroids, not knowing if I would ever be able to drink without dribbling on myself or kiss a woman properly again. Not a good feeling. Now my face works again, fortunately.

After this incident, when I noticed that my lower two front teeth were sore and kinda wobbly, I went to the dentist ASAP, and he sent me to a periodontist, and they discovered periodontitis, below the gumline. (This may have been due to the large tongue ring I had at the time, for those who have them. The periodontist said that he had only seen this kind of damage and subsequent infection in people who had been kicked in the teeth. Just FYI: leave it small.) If I had waited any longer, I might have lost the teeth.

Moral: If you spend more than a week sick, go to the freaking doctor. (Jim Henson didn't. He died of pnuemonia. In this day and age, as they say.) Even if the symptoms seem mild, a simple cold should be gone in that amount of time. Don't worry about whether you have insurance or not: debt is preferable to death. Find one you like as a person. Many people become doctors to make money. Our family practitioner was one of the ones who also wanted to help people. I've never asked him; I can just tell.

Done preaching.

Ya, I recognize that there are some people who are inherently prone to allergens and suchlike. My sympathies, and my admiration for not letting it turn you into a whiny-ass, like too many people.

You're not located in the Cleveland area by any chance, are you? In my experience there are genuine healers out there, but it's tough to know the real from the charlatans. Part of the problem is, the real ones don't advertise themselves as such, for a variety of reasons, and finding them depends upon a certain degree of word-of-mouth / fate.

As for myself: I'm 35, and for the past few years I've been contending with stress levels that most people would not willingly endure. I don't mention this to bemoan my lot -- largely self-inflicted as it is -- but rather to say that my advice isn't just for those with cushy lives.

"But my body, like Staniel's..." But your body is NOT like Staniel's, he who was "Mr. Natchos '98"

i have a mild stuffy nose. should i take vitamin suppositories, nasal spray (suppositories), or should i align my fat chakras so i bloat, grow a beard, have plastic frame glasses and obsessively scan horrible comics? Additional symptoms which may be tertiary: collecting clocks, cats, and living in a basement (possible moisture causing stuffy nose? also looking into having feng shui assessment).

Thanks in advance, gang
Noisia

Noisia, that sounds like a fate worse than death. Take nasal spray, or whatever is required to prevent that fate.

In Noisia's subtle critique of my lifestyle, he was referring to horrible comics that I've scanned. I assume he's speaking in large measure to this one.

I scanned this comic for a friend to prove something about Ayn Rand: she must have possessed a copy of "Whiz Comics" #1. Christ almighty, what are the odds of both Ayn Rand and C.C. Beck independently naming a character "John Galt"? And check over on the next page, where Scoop Smith and Paco (or whatever his name is) are looking for a "James Kirk".

Apparently, the sheer cultural impact of this comic cannot be underestimated.

(Tip: if you too care to check out all the stuff I've bothered to scan or photograph over the years, feel free to check out my random stuff.)

If you are currently NOT growing a beard, I would give it another thought; facial hair is way overrated. However, the root of your peachfuzzicity may be an endocrine imbalance which might be corrected with hormone replacement therapy, and I think that you will find that a regimen of extract of monkey nards will also correct several of the other dysfunctions as well.

I've taken the liberty of applying for five credit cards with the information on your driver's license. You fink, you'd better have good credit. I'm going to be intensely disappointed if I'm not approved post-haste.

Ya gotta admit, the style of Halcyon's comment on Duchez is fitting to a website titled thingsihate. I mean, with the word 'hate' in the very name of the site, one would expect a few cusswords here and there. This is no 12-year-old in d00dspeak mode typing in all-caps and using FAG! for punctuation, it is someone who knows when to cuss and when not to.
Being new here, I have no idea whether Halcyon is right about LD's alleged self-righteousness. I just think these discussions would be lessened if everyone was always cool, calm and collected. Rage, backed by a certain amount of wit and wording skill, makes for a good read.

Halcyon = long-time reader with some pretty good ideas.

Mallory = anonymous off-and-on reader who was too bored to make up an alias, so he pulled something out of JG Ballard. The only thing the two of us have in common is a distinct desire to play soccer hooligan cum proctologist when Lou starts going on about the mystic powers of the human spirit and capitalizing "nature."

Surely the red bumps mean that you are allergic to Missouri and that you cannot survive in any other place than New Jersey!