Staniel's Big Parade
irc.thingsihate.org
DeWalt Russ saved this log and sent it in when editorial absence, laziness, and/or family visits coupled with a lack of queued-up articles to create desperation. We usually try not to post IRC logs, but please do join in the conversations in #thingsihate on two servers, irc.thingsihate.org and irc.fojar.com.
December 12, 2001: irc.thingsihate.org
Gibbs: I could write a book for you
Gibbs: Staniel's Big Parade, I'd call it
staniel: ooh
staniel: would there be Chinamen?
noisia: if you like oldtimey debauchery george
macdonald fraser is for you
staniel: Chinamen doing their mad Chinaman dances?
Gibbs: Sure, I can write that. It'll be a buddy cop
story with you as a chinese man paired with a black
man, except instead of black the other guy is also
chinese, since this is set in china.
staniel: I hate buddy cop stories.
staniel: And now I hate you.
DeWalt_Russ: Now we're getting somewhere
Gibbs: Fine, it'll be an enemy cop story
noisia: speaking of chink cops the yellowthread
street series is good
staniel: even worse
Gibbs: Is it the relationships or the cops that's the
faulty gear here?
Angelo: BOTH!
staniel: Cops are rarely good as main characters.
Gibbs: Ok, let's get back to square one. We're
talking about the chinese here. Now what's my
setting? I'm thinking victorian england.
staniel: I was thinking '20s San Francisco.
Gibbs: Bingo
DeWalt_Russ: He could be a renowned herbalist who
teams up with Staniel to temporarily cure him of his
debilitating heroin habit long enough to win one last
prize fight
Angelo: No! Vikingland
staniel: In which I am an opium fiend.
Gibbs: Let's compromise here
Gibbs: Victorian Vikingland in the 1920's: The Opium
District
staniel: Investigating the disappearance of my
opium-supplying Chinaman.
noisia: who is also the queen
staniel: With the help of his semi-retarded nephew!
Speed: Black Chinaman
Gibbs: Who has a TERRIBLE SECRET
DeWalt_Russ: he's really Black Irish
Speed: He was MURDERED before the book even began!
Gibbs: AND HES GOT THE WHOLE TOWN FOOLED!
DeWalt_Russ: So his terrible secret is that he's a
zombie?
Speed: No, he's just dead
DeWalt_Russ: So everyone just figures he's so quiet
because he doesn't know much English?
Gibbs: Also was buried wearing panties
Speed: Dead black chinese irish queen opium dealer
staniel: He's just sitting there at his usual booth
in the tearoom and it's all Weekend At bernies!
staniel: Bernie's!
noisia: bernieces
Gibbs: Staniel organizes a parade
DeWalt_Russ: Only if "Berniece's" is a famous house
of ill repute
noisia: gender bender
Gibbs: The grand marshall of which is the dead
chinaman
Gibbs: But the grand marshal has to give a speech!
staniel: being used as a puppet by an evil Chinaman!
DeWalt_Russ: Now it's starting to sound like "Cannery
Row" only with dead chinamen...oh, wait
staniel: AND I HAVE TO VENTRILOQUIZE LOUDER THAN THE
EVIL CHINAMAN WHO ALSO HAS AN EVIL FU MANCHU
staniel: so that he will not inspire the denizens of
Chinatown to commit wicked deeds!
Gibbs: Because no one is going to ruin the original
spirit of this parade!
DeWalt_Russ: Which celebrates the manly arts of
fisticuffs and smoking high quality Chinese opium
Speed: Suddenly, a Viking raider ship appears on the
horizon!
staniel: don't you ruin this
staniel: It is not a Viking ship, but an early
battleship, one lost a few decades ago! The crew
mistakenly believes they are attacking the dreaded
Spaniards.
DeWalt_Russ: Believing they have finally arrived at
the Ithsmus to liberate Panama, they open fire on
Chinatown
staniel: And only the magical powers of old Mrs. Tang
can save us now!
Gibbs: But she's still bitter about all the jokes
about her name!
DeWalt_Russ: After a hearty bit of cajoling and oral
sex, she finally consents! But not without the oral
sex.
noisia: Even though tang hadn't been invented yet!
staniel: The CONSTANT oral sex for the rest of her
life!
Speed: Professor V. N. Carnazzi's Automated Perpetual
Lick-o-motive Tongue!
DeWalt_Russ: the blueprints are telegraphed down from
Chicago, but because nobody but one old Chinaman can
understand morse code, and even then not English,
everyone else must form a cunnilingus brigade while he
deciphers the instructions!
staniel: Too late it is discovered that he
accidentally trebled the power input, and Mrs. Tang is
brought to climax too early and passes out with one
magic word still unsaid!
sugargirl: break the fat
Gibbs: That would be the moral, yes
sean: what are you guys describing? i hope it's a
musical.
staniel: IT IS NOW
DeWalt_Russ: Perhaps it's the crucial element to her
secret recipe for hot and sour soup, which will
restore the vigor of all those besieged by the naval
barrage.
staniel: Sean, start composing MIDIs!
sean: "Cunnilingus Brigade" would make an awesome
song.
Speed: And the dead parade leader!
*** staniel has quit IRC (Ping timeout: 180 seconds)
DeWalt_Russ: So the dead parade leader is resurrected
by the miracle soup.
noisia: bed :((((((
*** noisia has left #thingsihate
And so it is left unfinished. Post your endings in the comments; this is not a contest but hey, what the hell.
December 12, 2001: irc.thingsihate.org
Gibbs: I could write a book for you
Gibbs: Staniel's Big Parade, I'd call it
staniel: ooh
staniel: would there be Chinamen?
noisia: if you like oldtimey debauchery george
macdonald fraser is for you
staniel: Chinamen doing their mad Chinaman dances?
Gibbs: Sure, I can write that. It'll be a buddy cop
story with you as a chinese man paired with a black
man, except instead of black the other guy is also
chinese, since this is set in china.
staniel: I hate buddy cop stories.
staniel: And now I hate you.
DeWalt_Russ: Now we're getting somewhere
Gibbs: Fine, it'll be an enemy cop story
noisia: speaking of chink cops the yellowthread
street series is good
staniel: even worse
Gibbs: Is it the relationships or the cops that's the
faulty gear here?
Angelo: BOTH!
staniel: Cops are rarely good as main characters.
Gibbs: Ok, let's get back to square one. We're
talking about the chinese here. Now what's my
setting? I'm thinking victorian england.
staniel: I was thinking '20s San Francisco.
Gibbs: Bingo
DeWalt_Russ: He could be a renowned herbalist who
teams up with Staniel to temporarily cure him of his
debilitating heroin habit long enough to win one last
prize fight
Angelo: No! Vikingland
staniel: In which I am an opium fiend.
Gibbs: Let's compromise here
Gibbs: Victorian Vikingland in the 1920's: The Opium
District
staniel: Investigating the disappearance of my
opium-supplying Chinaman.
noisia: who is also the queen
staniel: With the help of his semi-retarded nephew!
Speed: Black Chinaman
Gibbs: Who has a TERRIBLE SECRET
DeWalt_Russ: he's really Black Irish
Speed: He was MURDERED before the book even began!
Gibbs: AND HES GOT THE WHOLE TOWN FOOLED!
DeWalt_Russ: So his terrible secret is that he's a
zombie?
Speed: No, he's just dead
DeWalt_Russ: So everyone just figures he's so quiet
because he doesn't know much English?
Gibbs: Also was buried wearing panties
Speed: Dead black chinese irish queen opium dealer
staniel: He's just sitting there at his usual booth
in the tearoom and it's all Weekend At bernies!
staniel: Bernie's!
noisia: bernieces
Gibbs: Staniel organizes a parade
DeWalt_Russ: Only if "Berniece's" is a famous house
of ill repute
noisia: gender bender
Gibbs: The grand marshall of which is the dead
chinaman
Gibbs: But the grand marshal has to give a speech!
staniel: being used as a puppet by an evil Chinaman!
DeWalt_Russ: Now it's starting to sound like "Cannery
Row" only with dead chinamen...oh, wait
staniel: AND I HAVE TO VENTRILOQUIZE LOUDER THAN THE
EVIL CHINAMAN WHO ALSO HAS AN EVIL FU MANCHU
staniel: so that he will not inspire the denizens of
Chinatown to commit wicked deeds!
Gibbs: Because no one is going to ruin the original
spirit of this parade!
DeWalt_Russ: Which celebrates the manly arts of
fisticuffs and smoking high quality Chinese opium
Speed: Suddenly, a Viking raider ship appears on the
horizon!
staniel: don't you ruin this
staniel: It is not a Viking ship, but an early
battleship, one lost a few decades ago! The crew
mistakenly believes they are attacking the dreaded
Spaniards.
DeWalt_Russ: Believing they have finally arrived at
the Ithsmus to liberate Panama, they open fire on
Chinatown
staniel: And only the magical powers of old Mrs. Tang
can save us now!
Gibbs: But she's still bitter about all the jokes
about her name!
DeWalt_Russ: After a hearty bit of cajoling and oral
sex, she finally consents! But not without the oral
sex.
noisia: Even though tang hadn't been invented yet!
staniel: The CONSTANT oral sex for the rest of her
life!
Speed: Professor V. N. Carnazzi's Automated Perpetual
Lick-o-motive Tongue!
DeWalt_Russ: the blueprints are telegraphed down from
Chicago, but because nobody but one old Chinaman can
understand morse code, and even then not English,
everyone else must form a cunnilingus brigade while he
deciphers the instructions!
staniel: Too late it is discovered that he
accidentally trebled the power input, and Mrs. Tang is
brought to climax too early and passes out with one
magic word still unsaid!
sugargirl: break the fat
Gibbs: That would be the moral, yes
sean: what are you guys describing? i hope it's a
musical.
staniel: IT IS NOW
DeWalt_Russ: Perhaps it's the crucial element to her
secret recipe for hot and sour soup, which will
restore the vigor of all those besieged by the naval
barrage.
staniel: Sean, start composing MIDIs!
sean: "Cunnilingus Brigade" would make an awesome
song.
Speed: And the dead parade leader!
*** staniel has quit IRC (Ping timeout: 180 seconds)
DeWalt_Russ: So the dead parade leader is resurrected
by the miracle soup.
noisia: bed :((((((
*** noisia has left #thingsihate
And so it is left unfinished. Post your endings in the comments; this is not a contest but hey, what the hell.
