By: Bokonon [2002-05-01]

Epilogue

Fuck y'all. Fuck all y'all.

I started my experiment about ten months ago. At that time I was in love with a pretty girl with long red hair, I had a high paying programming job and a burning hate for everything. Since that time I've lost them all.

In place of the girl, I have someone much better. As for jobs, I found
something new. And when it comes to hate, well, I lost it too. Somewhere along the way it just left me.

While I was living the life of a yuppie, I decided to try making an entertainment web site. I came up with a domain name and registered it. Though it had its highs and lows, I consider it a success.

I should, perhaps, explain what the site is about. It's a site based on basic human cruelty and many unfortunate stories. My best friend Walt and I have been in the business of being mean to people for quite some time. What better excuse for a web site could there be? So it began.

We were writing hate like it was going out of style, and maybe it is. I think my favorite feedback I ever received was "You're one of those rare people who actually deserves to die." Other than that, I made some friends, and gained a few fans.

Time went by and somewhere along the way, the girl left me. I suppose I had bought her enough stuff, and she decided to cut her losses and leave. I learned not to trust everything with long hair and nice smile, and she learned a valuable lesson in capitalism.

I had met her several years past, at a large company in which I worked. She was pretty and I was lonely. I asked her out the first time by guilting her into going to a hospital with me. My boss' wife was in a coma. That led to many bad times. My boss apparently wanted to bang her, and as a result, I lost my job. I was framed for stealing RAM.

So I continued seeing this girl for over 4 years. We had our moments. I got a better job, and she was happy. That meant I could buy her more stuff, which in turn meant I could see her more. Being a fool, I didn't see the pattern. One day I finally broke down and told her I loved her, she left, that was that.

So, at that point, I had only the job. At this job, I had originally been hired as a graphic designer. My purpose was to make the web site and design ads for the company. In fulfilling my job duties, I designed a pretty nice ad campaign. Being one who isn't blessed with the gift of foresight, I used a picture of my then girlfriend in the ad. After her leaving me, I had to sit around the office all day and stare at her picture on the wall. Seriously, there wasn't a wall in the office without a framed copy of my advertisement on it.

Imagine this, you love someone, then they dump you and break your heart. Then, as a reward, you get to stare at them all day and hate yourself. Sound fun? It isn't. Each day grew worse than the last. I was torn between my desire to smash every one of those damn frames, and my desire to keep my comfortable income. I finally settled on neither. I packed up my desk and walked out.

I eventually found a new job. Doesn't pay as much, but I feel better about myself. I also got a new girl, and she's very sweet and kind. It's funny what being happy can do. It makes you feel comfortable, then it makes you become lazy. Lazy isn't what you want to be when you're writing things that quite a few people read.

I started to update less and less, and when I did, they weren't as good as they once were. I was starting to almost dislike the people that read. I started taking offense to the insults and criticisms. And most important of all, I stopped caring about my favorite invention at all. It had lost all of its joy to me.

There are really only two options for someone when they get jaded with their creation. The first option is to piss and moan, throw a temper tantrum and wallow in self-pity. This solves nothing, and serves only to make you look like a fool.

Then there is the second option. Bow gracefully, and with a smile, say good night. Move on to something different. Sometimes it's hard to realize when you've finished your run. You want to stay around and grab what you can, like a burned-out pro athlete, trying to get what little glory that's left.

I chose option number two.
Well bollox to you too! [2002-05-01 02:42:37] dunc
What's with all the fucking outpourings of heartache and tender secrets recently. Write more rants, dammit!
Moving on... [2002-05-01 05:04:28] Jacques Kitch
I don't move on very well, and often have to remind myself that 'that was then and this is now' in a vain attempt to achieve some sort of continuity in the plot line. I was ready for the review of the book that I'm not going to read about how moving on is a conspiracy to numb our minds and make us more easily manipulated. But that's damned bizarre that your red-haired ex gets her map plastered all over the walls in an advert, like something from a grade B romantic comedy. That's her pic on your site under "The girl who lied to me for years?" If I were going to handle it like a former athelete, I'd endorse some kind of tennis shoe, or at least cultivate a tennis shoe fetish. Despite the trend of all the dot coms heading to dumpsterville and all of the downsizing and economic off-cycling, my past solution to these kinds of adversities is to throw myself into some kind of work or career related activity, go fishing, or go to Mexico, or all three. I am recently inspired by the yuckaputz, Mark Shuttleworthy, who made a lot of lucre from the Verisign deal. Selling out at the right time is the key, like AOL or Shuttleworthy, or like your boss when you're due for a raise. But for Gawd's sake don't act wounded, the lion's can smell fear, it's like bleeding in the shark tank. Get drunk, get laid, and think that every fraction of a second is a turning point in time: and if that doesn't paralyze you into catatonic indecision and inactivity, keep thinking about that damned meteor that is streaking toward the Earth at this very moment, so maybe you should try to get as much done as possible before the moment of impact. I sort of know what you mean about red haired girls, I met one very tall thin white skin with freckles&green eyes, but when we started talking she was pretty dumb which at first I attributed to being young but started wondering if she was just genetically dumb and if at thirty she'd be like a big dough ball with her freckles gone. If you look closely everything has a fatal flaw, so get some cheap sun glasses and move to Venice Beach.
Isn't that whats called selling out? [2002-05-01 06:39:54] Andrew
It'd be nice to do a deconstruction of the human psyche to how it relates to what it wants and what it does.

I find in my experience, what people do does not lead them on a path to what they want, taking them on illogical journeys of fantastical pointlessness.

And when you try and change this they will do anything to avoid the removal of their futile pastimes, it doesn't matter if you show them how to make what they want to happen, happen, in truth they probably don't want to make that happen at all they just want to do what they are doing instead.
But why do they just want to do what they are doing instead of what they should be doing to get what they want? Probably because its easier to do what they are doing, the path of least resistance, when it comes down to it, maybe we'd all be happier being sheep, in a benevolent dictatorship, told when to eat and when to sleep and never to have to do anything to tax our minds.
oddly enough.... [2002-05-01 06:42:50] Bokonon
I'm the new Nike spokesperson.
Defunct Atheletes [2002-05-01 07:03:50] Jacques Kitch
Well, it was either endoresements, or do the OJ
Endorsements, that is [2002-05-01 07:08:27] Jacques Kitch
I don't endorse OJ, except as a supporting comedy character. Regarding Nike, I'll always remember them on the feet of the saucer cult who ate the funny pudding.
apparently [2002-05-01 10:06:44] Miss Spell
How did everyone miss this? Apparantly = Apparently
Speling [2002-05-01 10:13:46] Jacques Kitch
Speling is not my farté
pseudonymouse [2002-05-01 11:27:22] posthumous
Considering your name, I have to assume that everything you write is a lie. But I'm not sure. I haven't finished the book yet.
Not to pee on your parade, but... [2002-05-01 12:08:35] Kenzaburo Oe
"I also got a new girl, and she's very sweet and kind." Not-so-cryptic code for FATTYFATTYFATFAT? You can tell us.
Hey! [2002-05-01 12:48:58] Jacques Kitch
Break out the party hats!
sweet and kind [2002-05-01 13:09:45] Bokonon
doesn't always mean fat. No she isn't
Well... [2002-05-01 13:17:33] Jacques Kitch
I hope that you can't count her ribs. Or she doesn't have an eating disorder or some fatal wasting disease. I bet that she snores! There's got to be some tragic flaw, or I'll have to revise my opinions altogether.
people [2002-05-01 14:14:59] Grey Man
Not only do most people have no idea why they're doing odd and pointless things, they will also construct vast webs of rationalization to explain how logical their actions are. It's very similar to a post-hypnotic trance, when the subject will come up with any number of reasons as to why he strips his clothes off whenever he hears the word 'vanilla'. Ah, the things we humans will do to keep our illusion of free will alive.
Well, Bokonon... [2002-05-01 14:27:18] DeWalt Russ
If this girl burns you like the other two did, I urge you to to take the advice of the bus-ridin' guy who's been married seven times:

"You want to know what love is? Well, I'll tell you: love is when two people completely overestimate each other."
hateness [2002-05-01 15:40:39] uh not me? i cant think of a name
i hate women they screw everything up
take my advice if you see one not being taken advatage of
take advantage of her
hehe
peace

Hey! [2002-05-01 18:41:58] Jacques Kitch
Stop saying 'vanilla!'
face the facts [2002-05-01 19:49:29] casey
heartache > rants, you stupid morons.
moronism [2002-05-01 20:04:10] posthumous
You best not be talking to me. I am a genius-level moron.
the new girl [2002-05-01 20:12:22] staniel
I can verify that Bokonon's new ladyfriend is quite fetching.
Fetching [2002-05-01 20:15:49] Jacques Kitch
Can she catch Frisbees?
What a sad bunch of guys... [2002-05-02 00:18:08] Oscccar
that will sit around and trash some guy's new girlfriend simply because he's now happier than they are. (Jacques, you don't have to read this one.) Not a hearty congratulations, well done, best of luck to you both from any of you. Shame. You should do what my friends did. They had the dignity to withhold all negative comments until my marriage nosedived like and airliner full of soccer players into the Andes before they finally told me what a soul-draining succubus she really was. Good times...
The only thing that really matters in life is... [2002-05-02 01:15:34] Andrew
I'd be tempted to say, ... Chocolate milk and Pecan Pie.

Ohh an Bokonon Congratulations on finding a sweet and kind girl.

I like the idea that "love is when two people completely overestimate each other", thats about the size of it, after all when you see a beautiful girl you never imagine that she has periods, or farts like a king and pebbledashes the toilet when she eats curries. You don't think about what she's going to be like when shes ill and in bed with a fever, or there some sress at work and her mothers just died, and her sisters tryed to commit suicide, the fact that she leaves the milk out everytime she use it.
But when you actually make a commitment you have to accept all those things.

And thats when you realise you don't want a girl thats sweet and kind you want a girl that PUTS THE GODAMN MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE!
If you look closely everything has a fatal flaw [2002-05-02 01:31:18] Andrew
I used to work for an AOL Call Centre, and on the walls, they had these pictures and underneath would be some kind of hammy slogan.

Outside the break room was this really pretty picture of a flower with dew on it and the caption underneath was something like,

"Beauty is a myriad of minute imperfections."

Flaws, Imperfections, and Differences [2002-05-02 05:29:45] Jacques Kitch
If things get to a perfect state, there might be stasis, so maybe it's the flaws that make the world go round.
Hammy Slogans [2002-05-02 05:43:56] Jacques Kitch
In Oregon, there was a guy named Autzen who made some bucks in the wood biz, so he started a foundation. In the Autzen Foundation office, there were many book cases containing lots of Nebishes, little troll-like statues with hammy slogans. Knots are like flaws in the wood, but they make it more interesting; and various patterns in the grain are nice to halucinate on.
Imperfect Slogan [2002-05-02 06:46:16] posthumous
Myriad can be used as an adjective, which would cut down on your slogan thus: "Beauty is myriad imperfections"

Or is it "Beauty are myriad imperfections"?

Or is that too British? Perhaps we should just stick to "Beauty is in my pants."
Myriads [2002-05-02 07:01:03] Jacques Kitch
I thought that myriads were like naiads and dryads.
dangers of love [2002-05-02 08:02:49] posthumous
Stay away from dryads. They feel good at the time. But you'll be sore as hell afterwards.
Oh Crap [2002-05-02 09:10:08] Miss Spell
Do guys REALLY want a girl who "PUTS THE GODAMN MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE!"?
If so, I'm screwed. (and obviously not literally)
shopping for sweatiness [2002-05-02 10:08:00] dunc
What's sad about us? The guy claims to be a Nike spokesman, so either way he's a lying bollox! Presumably about being one, though, since he's no longer a yuppie, so that's not so bad.
Such a Deal! [2002-05-02 10:20:04] Jacques Kitch
It's a bargain if you can find a chick who has less baggage than you do.
motivational posters [2002-05-02 10:44:44] staniel
I hate these things.

They had a few at my last job. I spent the last hour of one shift setting a bunch of these as wallpaper one night, in retaliation. I especially enjoyed Apathy, since it was a Network Operations Center.
Morale [2002-05-02 10:58:04] Jacques Kitch
I liked the poster, "You can improve morale by firing all of the unhappy people."
Or [2002-05-02 11:17:11] Oscccar
"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail." Oscar Wilde
Those damn posters [2002-05-02 11:45:07] Bokonon
Christ knows that I hate them. Then again, I hate anything motivational.
Oscar Wilde [2002-05-02 12:25:11] Jacques Kitch
He said some cool stuff OK, and he had some kinky habits, but I just can't get that picture out of my mind of him dressed-up as Salome...
demotivation [2002-05-02 14:10:27] aspcp
I think that the very act of changing computer wallpapers to "retaliate" against posters hanging on the wall is a grand comment on the Dilbert lifestyle, much like posting cheeky comics in one's cubicle in an attempt to feel some degree of power over one's environment (and employer).
It's that impotent "damn the man" mentality that drives modern commerce, and I say kudos to our man Staniel for keeping it alive!
Oscar Wilde [2002-05-02 17:11:54] Oscccar
I have the same thoughts about J. Edgar Hoover.
J. Edgar [2002-05-02 18:19:49] Jacques Kitch
Yeah, but J. Edgar looked dumpy; Wilde looked better as Salome. I can't decide if Wilde looked hot, or like some kind of deranged genie.
bluh [2002-05-03 00:01:44] staniel
No, I "damned the man" by receiving two to six hours of long-distance calls on their toll free number every night for almost a year, and I've no illusions about the man being significantly damned by that, either. I probably shouldn't have said "retaliation," all the computers I changed the wallpaper on were used by my colleagues, not my managers, so it was a generally appreciated sharing of the funny.
Do guys REALLY want a girl who "PUTS MILK BACK IN FRIDGE!"? [2002-05-03 00:33:50] Andrew

The logic works like this, First you have to get up early in the morning. You then shower, and then you partake of "THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY".
Now imagine this.
You are partaking of the most important meal of the day, you get out a bowl, you pour your Kelloggs Corn-Pops into said bowl, you walk to the fridge, you open fridge, you grasp for the milk but no milky container meets your grasp. A quick glace across the kitchen shows the bottle, sitting sernely in the sunlight as the light refracts off the glass, and the milk sits there a colloidial white.
Now you grasp the milk, you pour, you add the milk to your cereal. You get spoon, you dip spoon into bowl, you scoop milk and breakfast cereal onto spoon, spoon is raised to mouth, mouth opens, spoon moves into mouth, mouth closes scraping contents of spoon into mouth. Suddenly, its there, warm lumpy milk in your mouth, not to mention Corn-Pops (I thought they were only meant to be taken externally).

What does this mean? It means you've ruined the MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY. And if the most important meal of the day goes wrong then the rest are hardly going to be great, the rest of your day is ruined, and to top that off you'll have the taste of sour milk in your mouth for the rest of the day too.

Besides everyone knows that all a man wants is a woman to replace his mother, and the knowledge that he can have sex with her without worrying about whether his dad has arrived home.
Love and milk [2002-05-05 03:12:45] A man in love
I am in love with a girl who leaves milk out, never cleans up, always hogs the tv, always spends ages in the shower and leaves god damned 6 dripping wet towels on the floor, always sleeps in, makes me get out of bed in the middle of the night and fetch water, eats all the food, drinks all the drink, plays music too loud, never reads books, has nothing in common with me and annoys me very very much. I stay with her. Can anyone tell me why that is?
Its because .... [2002-05-07 01:19:37] Andrew
You either have the maternal instinct, or she's good in bed.
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