By: Bokonon
[2002-05-08]
I Drive An Angry Car
Drive so fast, GO FUCK YOURSELF
I have a very hate laden drive to work every morning. I get up late, every day, throw my clothes on and jump in my car. I say jump, it's much more like a pathetic flop, but either way it's crap.
I can easily take you through a normal mornings drive.
I pull up to highway 280. Highway 280 is the most heavily trafficked highway for its size in the world. I curse Jesus. I wait for the light to change down the road, so that the traffic will back up enough for me to snake through the cars.
I then quickly, and dangerously, shoot out onto the other side for about half a mile. I reach Valleydale Road. Valleydale road is where I shall drive for most of the trip.
Valleydale Road has many schools on it, and many schools means that I have to watch fuckstick motherfucking fuck cockfucking fuckgrinding cops with orange gloves on and the fucking retarded fuck motherfuckers all have those fucking mustaches. I hate those mustaches, and I hate cops. These guys are sheriffs, which means they aren't real cops. They stand around and sniff judge nuts much like Rusty The Bailiff.
Fuck them. I then move down the road about five more miles until I reach the huge god damned deadlock because some fucking fuck cock motherfucker decided to put two red lights very close to each other, as in 100 feet, and then make them alternate their rotations. I curse Christ once again and scream, trying not to headbutt my steering wheel as I dream of assfucking the simple cocksucker on the cellphone in front of me to death.
At this point I start fantasizing about murdering the world. I know it sounds crazy, but it keeps me occupied. I came up with one today, it went like this. I want to take the Pillsbury factory and convert it into a death camp. The ovens would be used to kill anyone who wears khaki shorts with a tucked in polo shirt, or wears a visor and drives a SUV. I would make them take a "shower" and promise them that all of there belongings would be forwarded to them.
I cackle with glee and realize I have an erection.
I finally pass the red lights and mosey on into the other shitty part of the drive. When I reach Riverchase Parkway, I need to turn right at the red light. So does everyone else, which is unfortunate because that's also the I-65 exit ramp lane. I scream at people and occasionally shout out something akin to "FUCK STRAIGHT OFF TO FUCKSVILLE YOU FUCKING FUCK, I WOULD FUCK YOU INTO FUCKING HELL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!".
This is all brought on by the fact that I have to wait for every slack jawed shitstack in the world to merge into the right lane traffic. This is made much worse by the simple fact that these people don't understand that when the light is red, YOU CAN STILL TURN RIGHT!
After all that debacle, I finally make it to work. I stay there nine hours and then do it again on the way home.
Fuck.
I am calm, I am the eye of the storm, I am the surface of a perfectly still placid blue lake, I am calm.
RUSTY THE BAILIFF IS DEAD! AND MY GRANDPA! SHOW SOME RESPECT!
i used to tear ass down "suicide six" for forty minutes every morning, vision clouded by sleep mixed with the boiling red fog of unquenchable hatred
now i ride the tram for 20 minutes, and spend the time much more productively. that is, silently praying for the death of whatever hospital escaped gasbag wedges their ass-scented fat rolls against me from the next seat.
That's the spirit! Reminds me of the poxy tollbridge on the M50, or the good old death row B404 'round albtraum's neck of the woods. Never less than a dozen crosses along that road, and millions and millions of STUPID FUCKING ARSEHOLES WHO CAN'T DRIVE WORTH SHIT! WANKERS!
I try to live near where I work or work near where I live because usually work seems to involve more driving, and it is possible to spend 4 or 5 hours driving each day, with plenty of opportunity interact with other road warriors. What comes to mind as amusing is the cab driving hooker who'd run out of gas on Rt. 66, then pissed her pants. But maybe better is the nose penis. Our survey crew was off to map in the subway tunnels under Washington, and like usual, I get my preferred spot in the back of a big Silverado with a 455 motor, tinted windows. I like the back so I can nap, drink coffee, read the paper. The guy in the front passenger seat is keeping the tunes going, and the driver has a pair of glasses that have a penis sticking out for the nose. So, there are all of these government workers carpooling in to go to work, and the driver is making a point of pulling up beside unsuspecting commuters and grinning with his nose penis sticking out the window. Most of the people would laugh, but we heard about it when we got back to the office at the end of the day. The office guys thought it was funny, too, but evidenty some woman said that she'd seen someone with a penis on their nose, and took the tag number to call it in. Eeeeek!
i can only hope that my tax dollars were somehow involved in the purchase of the nose penis...
reminds me of the NYC sewer alligator patrols in Pynchon's novel "V". as i recall it they would head down into the tunnels each morning with flashlights, shotguns and bottles of cheap wine.
I delivered pizza for Dominos some while back, and was given a run that was already an hour late. So I take it and the people didn't want it because they were GOING TO CHURCH. Anyway, you're supposed to give them the pizza, but fuck them. So I take it, get in my car and start to back out of the driveway.
The problem was that this driveway was very steep, and at a odd angle. So I'm backing up merrily, and all of the sudden the front end of my car is pointed directly at the sky. I manage to reverse enough to get unstuck, and realize I had launched myself off of a raised manhole in these peoples yard.
I start to back up again, and hear a grinding. Getting out and looking under my car I find a recycling bin. So, in these peoples yard, I jack up my car, yank out the bin and throw it on their grass.
fuck em.
I guess that was gov't money paying for that. There are a lot of companies who get an ethnic minority for a titular head so they could get some of the gov't money. Of all of the tunnel work, I liked the blasting best. One blast that I remember was 3.7 on the Richter scale. I like the land development jobs, too, because sometimes it's in the woods, but I don't like it when all of the trees go. The big machines are fun. And I like pouring lot of concrete, pumping mud. Some people have the sense not to pull out in front of a big truck, but some don't; we've T-boned a few, not our fault. Yeah, cheap wine. After work in the tunnels, some days I'd stop in Chinatown to get Chinese bbq pork and duck and a bottle of sweet vermouth to wash it down.
Bokonon, you make me want to drive again. Where else do you get such an opportunity to scream obscenities? I sure as hell don't want to assemble any more Ikea furniture.
Get a nose penis and scream obscenities and you prolly won't be assembling much furniture.
Personally, I've found an allen wrench is more efficient and it's easier on the neck.
I don't get much yuks with an Allen wrench up mein schnabel.
yuck.
Booger off!
...i enjoyed the erection part, it always adds a touch of class.
..i have one right now!
My car of the above vintage blew its alternator about a month ago. I'm too cheap to have someone fix it for me and too lazy to do it myself, so I've been riding the bus lately. I've found I can sleep on the ride there and save all my cursing for my work hours. Mass transportation really does fulfill all its promises.
is great except it takes four to eight times as long and exposes you to illness. Anyway, Allen wrenches aka hex wrenches are probably not your best bet for coshing someone, since I've yet to see one in greater diameter than half an inch or so, and that one weighed a pound at most. I'd go with a ball-peen hammer or the classic monkey wrench for obscure tools in a melee.
They wouldn't hurt someone per se, but once I was driving, heard a loud knocking, pulled over and there was one wedged in my tire.
at least it could be repaired
I've got a 1" allen wrench in my tool box, weighs about five, maybe six pounds. It'd do for a deadly weapon.
And yeah, this is the guy who's all out of hate?
Also: yay for my rather more rural commute.
allen spanners?
hex spanners?
IKEA doohickies?
just curious, dunc or someunc similar let me know
The Haynes manual for repairing my car calls them "hex wrenches." They apparently don't like proper names in their tool monikers because they also call Phillips screwdrivers "crosshead screwdrivers."
I don't do much car repair, but I have extensively read about it, if the spirit ever moved me so.
And the ever popular monkey wrench, in case they get loose. People are collecting all kinda wrenches and tools around here. I look for them when I encounter abandoned farms.
you're probably better off wiping your ass with a third-party car repair manual than actually following the directions. chiltons, haynes, and so on: they suck across the board.
I like to put a screwdriver tip on various places on the engine and the handle in my ear, listening like I know what I'm doing; of a sudden bolting upright exclaiming, "Aha!" as if I actually know what I'm doing, and have found the source of some suspicious noise. It is a good method where the noisy valves are.
You're an angry, angry young man. Overly gleeful in the destruction of others so much as to get an erecion.
I like!
Now THIS is the kind of thingsihate article there should be more of!
YAY ME!!!
I drove for a courier company for a while, but never pizza. For a while just after the half hour delivery thing started, the cops were following the pizza guys. I don't remember that they ever got into accidents, but the cops were following the delivery guys a lot to make sure they didn't speed, but they did, every chance they got. In Washington, DC there are some parts of town the pizza guys won't deliver, and cab drivers don't go. When I drove for the courier company, the dispatcher told me to deliver the stuff fast, and as long as I didn't get into any collisions, he'd fix the tickets. So, I drove the wrong way on one-way streets and parked on the sidewalk, stuff like that, and got lots of tickets, but I got a letter from the traffic cops later saying that all of those ticket had been canceled. I feel sorry for the pizza delivery guys who get a call to an address, then get robbed when they get there. But in college there was a pizza delivery that had three-wheeled motor scooter kind of wagon with a hot box on the back. The students would order a bunch of pizzas, then when the guy would be dilivering one, he'd come back and the box would be empty. Currently, there are four guys going around stealing Cadillacs, if the drivers tell them no, they get shot in the face. So, I guess that the moral of the story is don't delivery pizza in a Cadillac, or get a really big damn Allen wrench. Also, while you were a pizza delivery guy, did you get layed? I saw that in a movie.
Wrenches are adjustable and go around the nut, not in it. Non-adjustable things that go around the nut are spanners. "Crosshead screwdrivers" is a generic term and can be either philips or posidrive. None of them is as useful as a Birmingham Screwdriver (aka 4lb lump hammer) for fixing things!
Oh yeah, and if you left one on the line in front of Jacques' train of thought it couldn't look any more like Florida the other week!
Yeah, that's Miami Beach for ya.
We got adjustable crescent wrenches, but there are open end and box wrenches that fit on the outside of the hex nuts, they aren't adjustable; they are like 9/16" or 13mm, and they usually stay the same size even though you can round-off the corners on a hex nut. I like
Proto tools the best. We get free petrol here with a Georgia credit card, a meter-long siphon hose.
Well call them Allen keys up here in Canada too. Course, we mostly just use'em to chip off excess ice on the blocks for our igloos.
What do they call the keys that are five-sided instead of six? Penta instead of hex, but they wouldn't be Allen keys with five sides. They are usually used for some tail lights, and fasteners that people don't want easily removed, as nobody usually has five-sided keys. Maybe they call them Florida Keys.
I like talking about tools; it's so manly, so damned butch!
Tools or toys?
The five-sided, or rather five-pointed, star-shaped bits that are commonly used on taillights, dashboards, etc., are called "Torx" drivers. Depending on the size, you can get 'em as a screwdriver, or as an attachment for a socket wrench. The bigger sizes are generally a bad fucking idea, cause they're a pain in the ass to work with compared to a regular bolt.
There's also a special variation called "Safety Torx" or some such name, the only difference being that Safety Torx screws have a little post in the middle of the star, so the screwdriver has to have a little hole in the center of the bit to match. I guess they're supposed to prevent people from trying to get away with just jamming a Phillips screwdriver in there (cause that sometimes works on Torx screws), but in reality all they do make mechanics buy *another* fucking specialty tool.
There's one kind of screw that has a slot that's flat on one side and beveled on the other side so that you can tighten it, but not loosen it, I don't know what they are called. I'll remember now that the five-point ones are Torx. I've got some EZ-outs that are like tapered drill bits, but reverse threaded; they're for removing broken bolts, like when I torque a headbolt to 130ft/lbs, and it snaps before getting up to torque.
i hate driving and i have to drive at least an hour every day and there is no useful public transportation in this town, if i wanted to ride the bus to work I'd have to get up at four and not get to work until noon or so such is the state of affairs in the metro but i wouldnt mind driving if i was the only person on earth so why don't you all die already.
