Misadventures

Once, a guy asked me for a bilm; I had no damned idea what he wanted, but after a while it was determined that he wanted a can opener so that he could open a defective pop-top. One guy told me that he had some abnormality that had been caused by accidently pissing on an electric fence. You might have seen a cartoon where a fist comes out of a telephone and punches a guy; don't talk on the telephone during a thunderstorm, or it can happen! Lighning came through the window and hit the telephone, fortunately most of the juice got grounded, but some came up the wire and punched me in the chin! At this time, 30% of this county are not native English-speakers, so strange words, terms, and customs abound. I can't imagine why you would slam yer wang in the dresser drawer other than at that age you were at that height and were nudging the drawer shut with your belly.

i used to nap in the john during my lunch break

when i woke up after 20 minutes of slumber, and stood up, i often got a really bad head rush, got dizzy and fell over against the side of the stall

... When I was in hospital, Robin Cousins came to visit, I wasn't interested in meeting him so I went to the bathroom and dismantled the cystern.

Was there any salad?

... I was young at the time, for all I know I may have been overwhelmed by salad, and that is why I have no recollection of it.

In my online galavanting, (read desperately trying to find my website using google) I came across this odd collection of stuff.
http://www.tipsy.com/story/

http://www.tipsy.com/story/ got kicked back,
but http://www.tipsy.com got there OK. I liked the dreams, freighter trip, and pictures. I'll go look more.

... toilets always have some kind of fearful power over me. Mainly public toilets. Especially toilets in pubs and bars, and clubs.

Firstly, they never have a lock on the door, its usually been ripped off or somehow removed forcefully, there is often as many as 3 locks all of which don't work because they've nowhere to lock into. This nessecitates the use of one leg to hold the door closed whilst crapping at the same time. The problem comes when the toilet is so far back in the cubicle you really have to stretch. This makes it no easier because you only ever go to the toilet in these places in dire need. Second there is either no bog roll, or its the kind thats in tiny little sheets or, its more like tracing paper. I like the ones that say Now wash your hands on every sheet.
Second the toilet is usually cracked, the seat is damaged beyond repair, soaking wet, covered in small curly hairs, ach!
The grafetti is always worth a read if only to see what kind of stupid people use the toilet, this is when the panic really sets in, with the recist homophobic and jokes about your mums. Obviously the toilet cubicle is some place of safety you can vent all of your non PC thoughts. Next is the smell, if everything else is ok the smell always is bad, the reek of urine that has been splashed across the undraining floors. that is heated and grows into an unimaginable stink, its not so bad being a man all my life, and for the forseeable future, I'm used to that smell of smells, but the worst is when someone vents their acrid methanial scents. I work in a university library, which gives you the ultimate chance to smell the worst stench the body can provide, from the brewing of such delights as cheap lager and vegtable and pasta matter, gives rise to the most vapid scents, and to add insult to injury, the perpetrators of these crimes like to hide their shame behind closed doors, instead of letting it escape, leaving a wonderful present for the next in line. Of course the inbuilt ventilation systems never work which means the bathroom is then for the rest of the day (until the great gods known as the cleaners come and purge the toilets of stink and slime) a heaving cacophony of the waste gasses of bad diets. If that wasn't enough you have those that fill the toilet with such materials that they spray the sides in thick gooey viscous materials, or feel te need to pile acres of forest upon the offending dump, and not flush the toilet. And then through some misguided attempt at art throw toilet role upon the floor and every other surface. God forbid should someone come and do worse things involving smearing their fecal matter onto the walls.

The decor is always intersting, the thick oil based paint that has been smeared on every surface, drips abounding, and places where its been scraped away to show splintering wood. Often making would be vandals really choose their medium for adding their tag.

I always used to look for the make of the porcaline centre pieces somewhere in blue enamel the moniker of this ultimate in water closet fashion. An art which has seen its days as most now prefer anonimity rather than flaunting their excellent toiletwear. The best places for this kind of sport are older buildings, with names such as twyford, and uhh... twyford on every toilet.

And so I fear everytime I open the door what I may find in the holiest of holys the toilet cubicle.

The only upside of this is when I get back to my own toilet, with its luxurious wooden seat and working flush and working ventilation it makes taking a crap a pleasant and enjoyable task.

Twyfords? Everyone knows Armitage-Shanks are best! Shoulder high enamel urinals with brass pipes. WCs with chains to pull (with little wooden handles on the end). Brass taps with enamel bosses reading 'H' and 'C'. What more could you ask for?

I was reading about telemachus' shitterphobia, and I came across an unfamiliar word: "gods". It looked like maybe a combination of "gobs" and "sods".

And then suddenly it kicked in. Oh. Deities. You know, religion, mythology, what you've been wondering about your entire life.

D'oh!

p.s. so Bokonon did you slam your wee-wee on purpose or on accident?

These were the worst in high school. I never, and I mean NEVER, used them. I spent as little time in the bathrooms in high school as possible. For some reason, every toilet in every boy's bathroom in high school was ALWAYS filled to the brim with... yeah.. you know what. There is this subculture of high-school aged boys out there who, for some goddam reason, seem to take great pleasure in shitting in public restrooms and not flushing. WHY?? WHY DON'T THEY FLUSH? IS IT THAT HARD TO OPERATE THE HANDLE? YOU CAN EVEN KICK IT WITH YOUR SHOE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT. The only thing I can conclude is that they enjoy doing it.

See, my house was pretty far away from my high school. It was on the very boundary of the school district. It certainly wasn't close enough to come home for lunch. Now, normally it's no problem. Using urinals at school was acceptable, as you could get in and get out in just a few minutes. One could even hold his breath the entire time if one so desired. And usually, the other "call of the wild" doesn't come a-callin' during the school day. But in four years of high school, it's bound to happen sooner or later.

It was for this reason that I had every safe public toilet within a one-mile radius of the school mapped out. Say you're sitting there in class, struggling to stay awake, and you're suddenly taken it. "HOLY MOTHER I MUST GET TO THE BATHROOM" you say as you sit up all of sudden.

But where you gonna go? Certainly the bathrooms at the school are out of the question. The only solution is to hit one of the nearby, safe toilets. Gas stations are always out of the question. They'll only give you the key (usually attached to a large block of wood or a hub cap) if you're a paying customer, even if you're their own janitor.

The bathroom at City Hall was OK, which is odd. You'd think being City Hall it'd have the dregs of society coming in and out all day to get their impounded cars back and file complaints about the police officer that busted them for selling dope. But strangely, their bathrooms were always clean and pleasant. Being a tax payer, not only was I perfectly entitled to use these toilets, but I was also glad to see my tax dollars put to such good use as bathroom maintenance.

This one's really a mind blower -- The Pizza Hut bathroom was a-ok. I mean, fast food isn't often associated with high-class -- or even normal -- society, or good digestion. You'd think that the dregs of society would head on over to Pizza Hut after departing City Hall. I dunno, maybe they enjoy not flushing too, and Pizza Hut seems like a good place for that. But no, the Pizza Hut bathroom was fine, and also a one-seater, insuring absolute privacy. Not to mention, the bathroom was right next to the door, so you could get in, use the bathroom, and get out, all without being spotted by the staff who might make you feel guilty for using their bathroom without ordering something.

A bold power!

...Oh yeah they're the other ones, I just couldn't think for the life of me. Whatever happened to those heady days of hi-quality toilets. Sometimes I look around and wonder what Mr Thomas A. Crapper would think of the mess someone's made of his toilet.

... your an atheist does it mean you can't take the lords name invain?

The internet is a very very scary place.

Power Salad

In an all-night diner or a bus-stop motel
like a roving attraction I just follow the action
in a Texaco station on a night boiling ink
tried to sleep in the bathroom I got blood in the sink
I can't sleep with this aching in my jaw
hear a car in the driveway small pigeon in the car
got a soul like a weed satisfaction guaranteed
I got pigeon in the bathroom I got everything I need.

Jacques: I wasn't closing things with my stomach, I used to just slam the damn thing in drawers.

Oh and as a side note, the url that my name links to is coming this weekend. STAY TUNED!!!!!

kill me....

"Papa" Monzano, he's so very bad
But without bad "Papa" I would be so sad;
Because without "Papa's" badness,
Tell me, if you would,
How could wicked old Bokonon
Ever, ever look good?

By purchasing you a candy bar????

...a biscuit!

I agree with Sean concerning the horror of full-to-the-brim public toilets. In my experience, they seem to only occur in the kind of high-traffic public buildings that attract large numbers of people with below-average intelligence and/or consideration for others, such as shopping malls or universities.

But what boggles me the most with public bathrooms is the apparent difficulty some men have with urinals. Directly beneath a urinal (unless it's the kind that extends all the way down to the floor), there's always a damp area... not quite enough liquid to form an actual puddle, just a visibly darker patch on the floor tiles. All you have to do is piss FORWARD for chrissakes... it shouldn't be too tough of a skill to master. Yet for some men, it's apparently akin to rubbing your tummy and patting your head at the same time. I always wondered about the source of "the patch"... is some guys' dick control THAT bad that they simply can't hit the urinal that's directly in front of them? Is it splatter from someone's particularly forceful piss? Or is it due to careless shaking? If it's the latter, then it must have taken several men to produce such a "patch."

One time, I witnessed a man that single-handedly created his own "patch"... a fellow walked up to the urinal next to mine, positioned himself a good 2-3 feet back from it, and proceeded to piss in a huge arc that (thank god) actually did make the urinal with a few inches to spare. Now, perhaps if we'd been standing outdoors and pissing, say, into a snowbank, I might have been impressed with his distance... but when it's an indoor public washroom, it's a slightly different story. Anyone who's ever used a garden hose or a water fountain knows that the beginning and end of such an arcing stream are going to fall short... which in this case means on the floor. For the full effect, I should also mention that these urinals were located in the changing-room of a public pool, near the door to the pool area, so 99% of the men using them would be barefoot. The next couple guys who used that particular urinal surely stepped in this man's urine. Wonderful! Although he *was* an asian fellow, and this *was* in a high-tourist area, so the man may have been over here on vacation and unfamiliar with the local urinal ettiquette, he is the ONLY guy of ANY nationality that I've ever seen do this, so I'm sure it's not a cultural thing.

Although "Arc-Pissing Man" was odd, probably the strangest thing I've ever witnessed was a guy I saw for only a couple seconds on a Seattle freeway. I was there on business, and a co-worker and I were driving along the freeway in the carpool lane... we were managing a half-decent 40mph or so, but the regular lanes to our right were crawling along at about 10. One of the crawling cars was a new, fairly pricey jet-black sedan with a well-dressed black dude behind the wheel... he's got the driver's-side window rolled down, his arm on the windowsill, the music turned up, just creeping along the freeway and grooving to his tunes... nothing out of the oridinary, right? Except for the fact that he's also holding the end of a large white bath-towel, so that it's draped down the driver's door with the other end dragging on the road. He's holding it casually, like he almost doesn't know it's there... the way someone might hold a cigarette. Both of us turn our head as we go by to stare at this guy hanging a white bath-towel out his car window... then we look at each other. "Maybe it's wet and he's trying to dry it off," my co-worker suggests. "But he's dragging it on the ground... he's getting it all dirty," I say. He shakes his head, "Well then fuck, man... don't look at me, cause I don't have a clue." To this day, I still wonder what the fuck that guy was doing.

surrendering?

Re: "Have I got a site for you!"

I actually meant this site. Twas a joke.

Check out my new portal. It lists cool sites like this one with their most recent headlines. And let me know if you have any suggestions for sites to add. You know, sites with interesting content that turns over a lot. posthumous@blackyak.com

Well, possibly less comments on the other site, but I haven't heard anyone mention Burnaby or Kamloops in several years. I liked the tree, I think that I'd like to live in it. If those photos were of your cohorts, I think that you have some unusual friends.

A Canadian guy told me that a spy had one been caught because he failed to do "the Egyptian Squat" when he urinated. I think that there is a dilemma about the urinal patch and bladder pressure. If you got lots of pressure and stand too close, there is a micro-fine mist much like that which surrounds Niagra Falls, and some of it adheres to clothing. I would assume that things like mineral stones or a case of the clap might alter pressure, nozzle velocity, and trajectory. I like urinals with ice; pissing on ice is almost as good as farting through silk.

...would CERTAINLY cause "nozzle spray." Or so a dude who has one told me. But surely there can't be that many guys out there with dick piercings, so it still doesn't explain "the patch." Unless it's in the bathroom of a piercing establishment, of course.

I think the trick is find that magic "happy medium" distance, where you're far enough away to reduce the impact velocity of the urine stream against the procelain, thereby minimizing the "Niagra Falls micro-spray" effect, and yet close enough to simultaneously minimize "fallout."

On the other hand, a wise man once told me that one should piss *downward* when using a urinal, so as to avoid this dilemma entirely. Making at least a cursory effort to control the nozzle velocity would also help.

Fuck it, I say let's just go back to pissing outdoors... who's with me?!

Yeah, people should mark their territory.

I get this wonderfull tingly feeling everytime I piss outdoors...which is why I prefer it over a urinal/sink/toliet/trashcan. And as for slamming your dick in in a drawer..at age 8.....how is that even possible? Your weiner would be the size of one of those 'mini' carrots that you can buy from Smiths. Im sure you could do it if you tried - Still cant see why tho ...Oh, and bokonon...what -did- you have to sue? >:)