Emails I Sent at Work
many shall fall to elf-kind before the day is out
There comes a time in every boy's life to delete the contents of his sent mail folder. When looking through it I came across some emails I've sent at work and felt the compulsion to force you to witness them as well.
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Yes, the great fake rubber dinosaur known as computer upgrades has risen from the depths, meaning many computers have been upgraded to run faster. If anyone notices their computer running faster and leaner and more reliably, its probably 'cos I upgraded the RAM. The computers in the Level 5 Training room have also been upgraded, so when you blank the student's screen you really will be taking away a great computer!
If any of you find your computer running faster but fear it may just be a placebo effect, please contact me and I'll let you know whether yours has been upgraded.
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Today last year's layers of grease and grime were flushed from the now newly-disinfected Webcats. Screens were cleaned, mouses were ungummed,
and mouse mats were sanitised. What does this mean for you, though?
1. The mice are now almost frictionless, therefore the same amount of force is not needed to push them around, using the same amount of force leads to mices flying off tables and hiding in holes in the skirting boards.
2. A newly deployed troup of ex-shoemakers elves have been deployed, they will be hiding in the stacks waiting to punish people who use the webcats with unclean hands. They will also punish the heathens that write on the screens with biro; yes, many shall fall to elf-kind before the day is out.
3. Statistical projections show that the newly cleansed webcats will increase productivity and speed of those utilising them by between 10-15% meaning less queues for the users, and an estimated 1-3% increase in academic excellence.
Be Vigilant, Citizens.
"MAKING WEBCATS WORK FOR YOU"
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For years mankind has sought a way to protect itself from being overrun by angry apes, a la Planet of the Apes. Many a time I have driven past the front lines on the way to work, where brave men and monkeys fight with bananas. Now you can help our boys on the front.
Our scientists have discovered they only want to over-run us because we are a bunch of scoundrels and sluggards; their only wish is for us to live in harmony with the world. To this end we must conserve energy this Christmas.
Yes! Before you go home to holiday, to watch the great TV on over Christmas, to eat all the pies and dance to the old Chrimbo tunes. Before, BEFORE that, turn off every electric-eating appliance you can find. e.g. computers, monitors, printers, photocopiers, faxes, lights, electric heaters, hair curlers, kettles, etc.
Do it for the monkeys, do it for the rain forests, do it for Mankind, but most of all do it for your country.
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The intranet server now known as cyberpig has arrived, wheee loads of fun.
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Has anyone seen the laptop, or borrowed it without returning it? It appears to have escaped its secure enclosure.
More importantly with it was the power supply which took months to order and get hold of a replacement.
If anyone has spotted a short grey laptop answering to the name of Toshiba please contact me.
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> please help yourselves to the chocolate cake in the staff room
The chocolate cake has been removed from the staff room where it was lit by the light emitted by the great fusion ball of flames in the sky known as the sun, whereupon light that escaped from the surface of the sun would take 8 minutes to reach the cake and melt it.
So if you're looking for the chocolate cake it's in the fridge and very delicious.
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It's ok everybody, the cable has been returned and is happily snuggling its projector mother in its small projector nest as we speak. My thanks to everyone involved in what I like to call "The Hunting of the Cable."
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I won't tell you what kind of context these emails belong in; have fun trying to work it out.
If I weren't so lazy I'd include the subject lines, with such favourites as "FUN FUN FUN!" and "A note to mice and staff.re: chocolate cake."
It's such a waste.