By: Crashpod
[2002-08-05]
Drug Court
Ich bin ein Harnanalyseüberwachen. Ich auf passe Rauschgiftsüchtigen harnen in Flaschen auf.
I've been
standing in the bathroom for the last 10 minutes waiting for the guy at
the urinal to hurry up and finish filling his cup. I watch him, in the
tiny anti-shoplifting mirror mounted crotch-level at the urinal, as he
nervously shifts the bottle from the end of his penis to the tiny
shelf. As time ticks on the situation becomes more and more awkward. I
don't want to be looking at this man's penis anymore and a line is
starting to form outside.
"Ahh," he groans. "What happens if I can't go?"
"You'd
have to talk to your counselor about that. You want I should run the
water? It helps some people," I said, adding that last part in case he
hadn't heard of the trick, and also because I tend to ramble when I get
nervous.
This guy can't produce, and whoever's in the stall
is grunting out one of the smelliest dumps ever. No, this isn't a
Japanese porn movie. It's my new job. I'm a urinalysis technician for a
drug treatment center, which is a fancy way of saying I watch former
drug addicts go to the bathroom and make sure no one smuggles in urine.
As another wave of stink hits my nostrils, I think to myself I must
have one of the worst jobs on the planet. Even janitors get to leave
the room when the stink is this fresh and this bad, and those bathroom
attendants have a full counter of cologne and air freshener. Sweet
Christ, I wish I had an air freshener right now.
I try to
think about something else. I tend to get what famous people look like
mixed up in my head -- Lenin and Freud, Famous Amos and Josef Stalin,
K. Thor Jensen and Aaron Cometbus, whoever played the bionic woman and
whoever played the blond Charlie's angel. I try to sort this out, but
still can't block out what's happening in front of me and I stop
trying.
"Is this enough?" the man asks, holding the bottle up.
"You think you could fill it a little more? We need it to go up to the black line."
He goes back to work, filling the cup a little more
"That's all I got."
"That's fine," I say, mostly just so I can move on to the next person.
I check the temperature and wrap up the bottle for shipping to the lab.
I've been warned to be on the look out for a fake penis which is sold in the back of
The High Times
and can heat smuggled urine to the correct 98.6 degrees, as opposed to
the 94 degrees of smuggled urine that's been body heated.
"If
they're smuggling urine in, its only gonna get up to about 92 degrees.
It should be about 98," one of my bosses tells me during my first day
of training. "Here, let me show you," he says as he drops trou and
begins filling a bottle.
"See how you can see me in the mirror? You gotta make sure you can see everything."
"Yea,"
I nod, trying to look away and feeling dirty, thinking how much I never
want to see my boss naked let alone urinating again.
Really
the job isn't so bad as it sounds. I don't have to lift anything heavy,
make food for anybody, or clean anything. And customer satisfaction
isn't an issue. Mostly it's a lot of sitting around waiting for people
to come in. I get a lot of reading done. The job was also easy to get.
They offered it to me before I even filled out an application. My main
qualification was that I didn't mind watching people go to the
bathroom. Also the hours were good and with a girlfriend living two
hours away I need my weekends. Even if I really liked my job, I'd have
to let on like I hated it. If I showed too much enthusiasm for my job
I'd get punched in the face.
If I didn't need my weekends
free I could have gotten a better job. Well, at least one less
pee-filled. My weekend situation and my summer classes had forced me to
turn down the three easiest jobs anybody can get: Caretaker at an old
folks' home (the shoddy ones'll take anybody); convenience store clerk
(quick fact I learned on a job interview: every AM/PM with a gas
station has about 13 people working at all times); and the random,
crappy factory work that temp agencies send people to (I wasn't about
to lower myself to fast food service, the fourth-easiest job anybody
can get).
After my first week as a urinalysis technician, I
head up to see my girlfriend. Both her and her roommate say the job is
weird, but fits me somehow.
Sweet Jesus on a Slip 'n Slide, I'm scared to death of whatever they mean by that.
1. It's the testees' job to get the urine into the cup; if they get it in their trousers that's not your concern.
2. Nowhere is feces involved.
3. You don't have to wash off their penises afterwards; they can do that themselves.
...
...
...
how much does urinalysis technician pay?
Also, I bet if you brought in your own air freshener they'd respect your initiative. You could clip it to your belt in one of those leather holsters they make for bear mace.
I'm a nation
You're a nation
Wouldn't you like
To be a nation, too?
I know a guy who works on a horse farm here; so, he's telling me that when they breed horses, sometimes the stud gets so excited that he misses and he has to help with the insertion. Also, I'm reminded of Honeydipper Dan. But I agree that collecting urine samples is probably a better job than flipping burgers.
That sounds easy. I'm probably going to have to get some kind of awful job soon and was considering hospital orderly over data entry, factory hand, or uniform-wearer (food, retail, etc). I like hospital food.
Annna, I cannot wait to salute your shorts.
I currently haul my rump to a painting/interior "design" job every day. Alas, this is necessary because I'm in full-time university education and during my terms, I tend to run up huge debts. So now that I am in holiday mode, I have to work it off.
My friend works at a chemical research center, gassing bugs and insects with nerve agents to see what happens. There are some truly horrifying and disturbing stories that I may relay in an article one day.
There are many worse jobs than cock starer. At least you don't have to wear a snorkle and scuba mask and examine it "close up". Penis fun time!
I went looking for Dept. of Labour "Job Titles," which I found, and also s "Job Titles of the Future" which had a couple of good ones like "CEO&Jantitor," "Chief Acceleration Officer," "Chief Detonator," and "Chief Animation Skeptic." There was a list of dangerous jobs; I didn't even see ordnance disposal or tree-topper on the list.
You may find this hard to believe, but I still get paid to program Web sites!
um...
knock on wood...
Hate hate HATE when "web" is used as a proper noun. I guess there is only one of it, so that's correct, but I can't stand the emphasis it puts on the word. "Say, have you seen my WEEEEEEEEEEBBBBBBBBBB site?" No, and now I am crying. Thanks a lot.
I hate it when people say, "The Wab" ...but thanks to nanotechnology, the network may soon be building and tending itself. The jail here uses test strips with 15 test bands and makes the detainees pee on their own damned test strips, then bag them. That would eliminate the lab work but they aren't as accurate, I suppose. There is some sentiment toward decriminalizing drugs, which would effectively take the profit out of the drug biz, put narcs out of work, and end the need for pee collectors.
It's capitalized when I get paid for it!
And it was capitalized to begin with. I remember when uncapitalized web meant other things entirely.
that keeps mutating beyond our control. I hate the fact that my dictionary (and it's not one of those off-brand tomes, it's a Webster) now lists "liberry" as an accepted pronunciation of "library."
Shit.
I think in a few generations we might have a colloquial English that's used by the functionally illiterate, and what we call modern English now will be a dead language used by scholars.
Jacques, if the situation in whatever state is the most recent to propose decriminalized recreational marijuana is any indicator, the government would not restrict employers from testing their employees. I doubt the narcs would be out of work, either -- they could be reassigned to other departments. Most cities that have large vice squads also have plenty of other units where additional officers would be welcome.
Yeah, I would think that many employers would have it at their discretion whether or not to tolerate drug use. I have long resented that employers usually only pay for eight hours, yet seem to think that they own you 24/7--some jobs, like pro sports and some other hi-performance jobs, I would think that an employer might have complete say about chemical and nutritional intake, as well as rest and exercise regimen. I've had some jobs where there was expected 2-4 hrs. of work-related crap off the clock. So, sometimes what they say they're paying for is a lot less than you think that you're getting if you believe the official version of things. There's always a, "Yeah, but..."
U konw waht i hate? Wehn i need to return a vid to teh liberry, cept its alredy nite so i cant.
They had an "afterhours slot" at the liberry here, but they quit using it because people kept putting weird things in it other than stuff from the book suppository.
Sire, you look just like the piss boy...!
They had an after hours slot at the local video store, but people were using it as a garbage bin, so that was the end of that happy dream. I recently got a job at the "liberry" and, shit, if you want a job where you have plenty of time to read, go to the fuckin liberry.
I am the living, breathing version of Droz from PCU.
The best job you can have is to be a professional student, and apparently, once you turn 23 you're past the age the government thinks everyone should've graduated by, so they stop taking yoru parent's income into consideration when doleing(sp?) out the financial aide. Yes, you could be living in YOUR OWN HOME, alone, and be estranged from both parents, and if you're 21, they'll find one of them and add their income to yours to consider how much they should give you.
But by 23, like 99% of the college poplulation is done undergrad. Unless you START when you're 22 ;-)
So the government pays me to go to school, mostly, and the rest ist subsidized loans. Question: how much is $5000 worth now? how much will it be worth in 2010? If there is no interest accruing, a lot less. So don't pay your subsidized loans of while you're in school, kids, it actually PAYS to let them hang.... and take out all you can - becuase if you take out more then you need and keep the balance, and it's all subsidized, then they're actually giving you money to go to school.
..and this isn't even grad school...
For fun, you could give people Uroblue.
If you get any school loans, pay them off with uros!
Actually they are hiring right now the girl ua tech just quit but its only minimum wage and only 20 hours a week. maybe 25 if you convince them to let you do mornings. My boss told me to ask my friends. so I mean if anybody is interested in sharing my pain.
Don't ever offer me a book, thank you! Anyway, I'm sure it wouldn't fit.
Edgar Cayce claimed that he could osmose the contents of a book by putting it under his pillow and sleeping on it, so I thought that book suppositories might work better.
Yup yup yup. ;) I was pretty surprised when I found out what I'll be getting this term (and how much of that I won't have to pay back). And relating to twins' comment, this schooling is in order to get me a job in a library...
It gets even better if you're actually going to school for something the government thinks is worthwhile - whereas i miss out on most of the scholarships tied right to GPA (getting a 4.0 in business is a little easier than getting a 4.0 in physics - but they don't care), there are these internships one takes over the summer that are pretty rad, that's how I ended up in IN this summer. Notre Dame is paying me $3000 for 10 weeks of basically learning all i can from a professor and grad student, and occassionally doing something useful, but since it's only ten weeks, mainly I'm the one getting the better part of this deal. Room was free, too, and they feed me at least twice a week ;-)
If it weren't in godforsaken Indiana, it'd be perfect. But I leave friday! Oh to be back in New Jersey...
I sort of hated the six 1-credit seminars that were required 2-day gaming sessions with the sort of Third World subalterns and Ministers of the Department of Bumph that one would encounter in service to the the UN, USAID, Int. Dev. Bank, and the Twinkie Cartel. What with all of the officialdom and bureaucratic booshwa, it's no wonder people starve while waiting for help, or that much gets done at all.
Also, I hate hard-on pills, they say they give you a hard-on, but also a headache. I've already got a hard-on, a headache, and I can't shit.
a hard-on and a headache is a bad combination, 'specially if the headache is hers. well, ok, it would also be bad if the hard-on is hers. i think. stick to laxatives.
You can never go wrong with laxatives. They'll cure what ails yer.
The tequila solved two of the three problems. I'll think about baseball scores, that should take care of the remaining thing.
Yeah, well if you do that with books it's no wonder you're stuck!
Oh, yeah! I forgot! That's how I can tell when the books are overdue. It's either that, or the liberry paste.
did you hear we (europe) launched a devastating cyber attack on you (america) on monday? can't say i noticed myself (or could be bothered to use capitals).
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/26553.html
penises! must stare at penises! -micah
I am kirby! Mrs. Pacman I must see naked! -kirby
vagina -Yugi
