By: staniel
[2002-08-14]
How Insane People Get Here, Part VIII
yes, more
Hello, readers. By now, you presumably know the drill -- I collect our most bizarre and disturbing search referrers and compile them into an article filled with my own special brand of clever commentary. Credits are also due to Annna for the
first one, and to
Life+Death and
The Creepy Kids Club for ripping us off.
picture+cow+eating+rabbit
I liked this one so much I ran it through Google myself, and while it provides no answer, I really liked the
story I found.
mormons+can't+eat+peanut+butter
Actually, that's one of the few things they CAN do.
lisa+kudrow+naked
Way to search for nude pictures the ugliest woman ever featured on network television.
dorm+shitting+guys+toilet+-tits
I wouldn't think tits would enter into the equation.
poles+in+pie+outdoors
Well yeah, don't do it indoors. Jesus.
plastic+bag+over+women+head+fetish
that+pussies+good
wet+dream+pictures
Plastic bags aren't that sexy, but I see the deeper meaning. Nobody will miss a whore. I'm confused by the other two, though. Is pussy a verb? That which is being described pussies
well? And how could you record your wet dreams? I guess now it's erotic to film someone emitting nocturnally.
really+really+big+erasers
I'd try "novelty erasers". With the quotes.
towers+of+silence+anthropology
Any anthropologists want to take a crack at this?
"belly+riders"-jelly
You'd think the Jelly Belly Riders would be more popular.
Try+getting+a+job+try+cleaning+up+the+damned+house
+or+opening+a+window
Tried! Failed.
tasty+naked+nude+pirates
porn+duck
alian+rape+a+woman
big+cock+attacks+women+of+planet+X
pictures+of+poison+ivy+on+the+penis
I always think that the porn searches are going to fall into steady patterns of repitition. Even the extremely bad stuff gets to the point where it's all variations on a theme, and the horse and kiddie porn searchers are only interesting if they make a nutty spelling mistake. Fortunately, there are the silly porn searches to pick up the slack.
do+cats+have+penises
13+and+have+no+penis
1. I would guess that about half of them do. 2. You may be female.
getting+a+fake+g.e.d
For Christ's sake, if you can turn the computer on and type that, you qualify for a real one.
a+movie+about+how+a+serial+killer's+ghost+is+still+killing
Do Child's Play and Shocker count? One's a possessed doll and the other's a transplanted organ, to the best of my recollection. I can't think of one with an actual ghost of the ectoplasmic variety.
drink+bacardi+freak+somebody
That's a really good slogan, especially if the commercials are anything like I'm hoping they are.
Filipino+Box+Spring+Hog
japanese+teeth+roppongi
moose+lodge+illuminati
The first one was a local site search. The others sound like they actually had articles in mind:
this and
this, respectively.
LOST+IN+SPACE+NAKED+GIRLS
This is probably a search for
Lacey Chabert back when she was a preteen. Sorry, guy, but I don't think you're going to have much luck finding illegal pictures of someone that famous. The above link is to a comic.
Until next time, when I plan to run more of the searches myself, as in
Part VI.
There's a Yahoo club group called
Women into Farting on Cakes with pictures and stuff. I would be impressed if there was a photo of a woman farting on a birthday cake with candles and an explosion. It's only a matter of time!
Sorry I got the link stuff in the thingie backwards, so it doesn't work.
I made a booboo as well. Apparently "Filipino Box Spring Hog" is a Tom Waits song, which just sucks all the magic out of it being an insane search.
I think that it's part of the insane search for the perfect BBQ
I think your mistaking this for a porn search quite clearly this is the search of a naturist whose been running around woods naked, only to find a frightening rash between his legs, he thinks it might be poison ivy but he's not sure, what better way to find out than search for pictures on the internet?
I'm currently studying anthropology and the first thing I will do tomorrow is ask one of the lecturers about that towers of silence thing.
I think The Frighteners had one.
The Frighteners? What about the Scooby-Doo Gang? They didn't have serial ghost killers? Ruh roh!
I think it depends. Jif, yes. Sun Pat, no.
There are also many things I would rather see than Lisa Kudrow naked. For example, Courtney Cox. Or Angelina Jolie. Yes. Oh yes.
Sometimes I get so scared by these insane people I question ever coming back here. But then again, I don't remember how I found thingihate in the first place, so. Yes.
I totally forgot about The Frighteners. Wasn't the implication that his girlfriend made him do it, though, both in real life and then by commanding his ghost in an occult manner?
Vicarious, why only US starlets? What about the beautiful, potentially naked celebrities of your own little country? Oh, wait.
Roppongi was in Sean's Japan story, not Jana's, and neither article had anything to do with teeth.
I'm so bad at this.
Well... Helena Bonham Carter is above board, I suppose.
I went looking for British models, and found some pictures of Donna Ewing; she seems like a bit of a jam tart. Looks quite like my first wife, metra fekt.
Is
Donna the one in the middle?
My first wife looked like Sarah Jessica Parker before it was cool.
No, but my second wife looked remarkably like the nag on the left. The first wife looked like
this. I should get some pics scanned for comparison.
scan away. My second wife is somewhere on my Web site. that's as specific as I want to get.
pardon me... "web site"
Doc Morbid: don't bother. "Towers of Silence" refers to no work or concept in anthropology of which I'm aware, and I've got me BA in cultural anthropology, more's the pity. If Anthro is your major, make sure you're dedicated to a PhD, or have other, entirely unrelated skills with which you plan to make a living. Trust me on this. The only thing that I can find which makes any sense is
this book, which appears to be the third in a series of four books which fictionalizes the last days of the rule of the Raj in India, although the fact that it's a work of fiction makes me think the searcher was an undergrad. ;)
why not sun pat? I've never eaten it but the month I spent in suffolk was filled with 15 hours a day of australian soap operas, american sit com reruns, weird game shows and SUN PAT commercials. My son pat is keen with a bat. so why can't mormons eat it?
Upon further research, the book appears named after "the Parsi Towers of Silence in Bangalore," a city name which I know brings shudders of dread to Staniels black little heart, as it does to my even blacker and smaller one, due to the many problems we dealt with which originated there. Interestingly, a yahoo search shows up thingsihate as the _first_ result for a search on "towers of silence"+anthropology, due mostly it would seem to my rambling spiel about Brittany Spears as an allowable incest proxy showing up on the same page as "towers of silence" being mentions as were the lucky(er) in Paris threw their dead.
Sun Pat contains a Mormon imbalance chemical. Consumption, rapid or slow, of said peanut butter by Mormons, will result in dangerous consequences.
You have been warned.
Commas play a large part in my writing.
My favorite paté de goober is Deaf Smith Peanut Butter. I went to look for Deaf Smith, and aside from being a place in Texas, I reckon, it was a Texas hero named Erastus "Deaf" Smith. He was afightin' the Mexicans, and did not hear the call for retreat and fought on to victory; thus being mistaken for an actual hero, de facto nontheless. That cover art from the last days of the Raj book looks as if it could be a Flashman story. I suppose that leaving your dead out for the vultures is no more bizarre than some of the other customs of the world. But I like Deaf Smith peanut butter because it has the peanut skins in it. When I was a Muslim, I had four wives; that works better than one might imagine.
Disregard the non-musical interlude
sheesh you guys' research skills seem a little rusty... darkness, hang your head in shame
towers of silence are platforms that zoroastrians, known in india as parsis, place their dead on, whereafter they are eaten by vultures. something about returning them to the element of air or something. here you go, you wayward anthropologists
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~zarathus/dakhma33.html
You know, I thought the name sounded familiar. I now remember reading about this somewhere fairly recently. Can't remember the site, but I guess it wasn't this one, although part of my brain insists on suggesting that it was. Anyways, I'll back up Alptraum on this one... I've definitely read about this before.
On a competely different topic, here's one of the unintentionally-funniest news
articles I've read lately, about how the band Massive Attack opposes US military action on Iraq. They should have headlined it Dr. Seuss style: "Massive Attack Condemns Massive Attack on Iraq"
I like it when neighborhoods declare themselves Nuclear-Free Zones. Like, when the 30-mile diameter fireball of a 200meg bomb is creating a mini-sun, somehow a green, environmentally-friendly bubble will envelope their island of granola and macrame.
From various "stupid laws" lists that get forwarded from office worker to office worker and are in their way worse than spam:
"The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits."
I know of which Jacques speaks, for I lived in Takoma Park several years ago. Not only is it illegal to detonate a nuclear bomb in this tiny D.C. 'burb, the city is prohibited from giving contracts to or doing business with companies that have anything to do with the defense industry. That'll show 'em.
Goddammit... then how am I supposed to clean the leaves off my lawn this fall?
It's not so much the "dumb laws" aspect as evidence of parting company with reality. There are plenty of dumb laws that are enforceable, but some are like "Repeal the Law of Gravity." If people pass laws that all animals have to wear pants, that might be a workable dumb law. Also, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Takoma Park gets electricity from Calvert Cliffs nuclear power facility.
That's a law I could throw down with. I mean, if that showed up on the ballot, it'd get my vote for sure.
Should they be zippered, or buttoned? Or those WalMart one-size-fits-all stirrup pants? Or perhaps Atomic Pants.
http://www.home.zonnet.nl/hanskampf/index1.html
Scroll down to find the picture of a cow eating a rabbit!!!
Maybe it's a cow that was mutated by nuclear radiation, and now it's a carnivore and eats rabbits. See, now if that town had a "nuclear free" law, none of this would have happened.
What the hell is up with animals lately anyway? I think they've finally banded together, and they're starting to make their move. First they start escaping capture (thankfully, it's only
seals and
pigs so far), then they start moving up the
evolutionary ladder on us, and now cows are becoming savage predators! Folks, I say we take action now and start killing and consuming animals as fast as we can, or else get ready to bow down to our new cruel masters.
That's something about birds using tools, tool-using used to be said to be the thing that distinguished human beans from animals; that, and pants. I was reading that some chimps knack rocks from certain chipping pits, and have "heirloom tools" that they pass on. I was looking at some Downes Syndrome people, and thinking that they look sort of like orangs. So, this feature is supposedly connected to chromosone #23; but I was thinking that if that was tweaked more away from the degrees of profound Downes, that might evolve people farther from ape-like features and butt-scratching activity. I saw a parrot call a dog to eat when the dog's food was put out; from watching the dog food put out and then the dog-calling, the parrot decided to call the dog. Sometimes, it called the dog for laffs. At a construction trailer, I saw a bird notice that when the electronic phone bell rang, someone would run to the trailer; so, the bird did a hell of a good imitation of the phone, good enough that it caused people to run to the phone. The bird was quite amused by this mechanism.
heard a story recently about a raven who bent a wire to use it as a hook.
Yes, check the ebolutionary ladder link above--
dang. sorry. I have redundated this board.
You get extra latitude for good comix.
alptraum, I already hung it low, low as my unusually massive neck will allow, when I found the second link. I was misled by the Jordanesque, Wheel-of-Time phraseology into thinking it could only be a title, perhaps of some research work, and so hit Amazon. Anthropologists have a tendency to give cutesy first titles, followed by descriptive secondary titles, like "Uncle, buy me a contraceptive; the absence of parenthood in Disney films." No, I'm not making it up, I read this in graduate classes. It was good, too. Think: how many mothers appear in animated Disney films? Not just of the old school, either. The little Mermaid, for example; did she and her sisters spring fully-formed from her father's brow, or what? Troubling.
_I_ wonder if "Towers of Silence" is a literal translation, or whether it's been Tolkeinized into English for the western observer. Anyhow, I've been working on something entirely different lately. The last time my anthro-delving resulted in anything worthwhile, It was my degree in '97.
The bird in question for this experiment was a wild-caught New Caledonian crow, and I was so fascinated by the story that I followed links until I hit multimedia. Here's a
film of the first trial in which the Crow bent the wire in question. It's rather spooky; you can see it
thinking, and it figures the answer out very fast indeed.
Also, this shows a certain aptitude for abstract thinking which up 'til now has seperated us entirely from all but our closest relatives, and even then most primates don't MAKE tools, just utilized something close and handy. It requires a rethought of many theories of the evolution of human intelligence, which all take tool manufacture as a jumping-off point.
Alternatively, maybe Jurassic Park wasn't so far from the truth, and dinosaurs were on the verge of intelligence, and this is what's left. Someday perhaps our tree-shrew descendants will surprise avian researchers with flashes off insight.
There are at least three local digs here, for artifacts and dwellings of 10,000 years ago. There was an interesting bit in the news of
rabbits digging up a rare window in the UK. One local dig here is a long house, with baskets and knapped points. The Pacific studies interested me for the kinds of money that evolved there, like the bronze gongs and Yap Island money. Instead of dead or ancient cultures, one can launch expeditions into urban areas, which might include a time slice of several hundred years, or only more current. There has developed a small demand for trendy corporate anthropologists who draw organisational charts for companies, these charts are different than the official schematic, and so, management likes to spy on employee arrangements.
I was just remembering that there was a Greek who was killed by an eagle dropping a turtle on the Greek's bald head, having mistaken it for a rock. Evidently, the eagles commonly open turtles and other shelled food items in this manner. I couldn't find the specific reference, perhaps someone knows of this Greek who was smote by a turtle. The point being, birds using tools is not new with the New Caledonian Raven.
Of Turtles and Greeks
Funny how some people really want a distinct difference between people and (other) animals, such as toolmaking. But do you realize how many corporate memos are sent each day that can be paraphrased as "Sorry, sir, but I couldn't get any food. The wire was straight." That crow needs to get out of school and join the workforce. Unless she's afraid of flying into the glass ceiling...
thank you for that crow video! it will haunt my dreams and/or inspire me for some time...
I've heard that ravens guard the Crown Jewels in the Tower of London.
Keeper of the Royal Ravens would be a cool job!
Cows eat rabbits to get nutrients when their land is overgrazed. They don't catch rabbits, which contribute to the overgrazing and are pests, but rather scavange rabbits that have died or are near death from biological controls. I say a very interesting picture in ecology class yesterday which I'm trying to find for my UBB avatar.
...
Actually, there's a website called www.cakefart.com and there's a woman shown in action as she blows on the cakes.
Ryan
I am sick of inconsiderate morons polluting your water ways- it kills our wildlife which kills our planet- Your backyard is my backyard- you wouldnt appreciate it if i dumped my rubbish over your fence so dont dump it over mine... STOW IT DON"T THROW IT !!!!!!!!!!!!
(Did you know that 3 in every thousand turtles live past the age of 1 and 1 % of those that make it past one grow old enough to breed) !!
Chris P
Filipino Box Spring Hog
Tom Waits song.
this is a shit site !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
