By: Short Round
[2002-08-30]
Debutantes and Derrieres
I have the best job in the world. I think.
I have the best job in the world. I think. I can never come right out and say what it is, because it always takes a bit of explaining. All I know is that it combines three of the four necessities for life, according to Maslow's Hierarchy of the College Male.
I work in a sorority house.
Keep in mind that I am very much a male, and how sororities are the sanctum sanctorum against my type. But that is not all. It does, in fact, get better from this point.
I am a sorority houseboy.
Now what is a houseboy, you ask? A houseboy, in conjunction with the cook, essentially provides food services within the sorority house. I wash dishes, bus tables, everything but cook. So that means my job also includes free food. Free food! For a college male, this is a bigger selling point than the many (and there are many) beautiful (and they are beautiful) women.
So what's the catch? My immortal soul? Nope. Castration? Close. What is has boiled down to is the servant/master role, where I am utter invisible to them as a male. I am either a eunuch or a fly on the wall. While this may seem depressing, I have long since realized that even if they did give me a second glance, I would only mesh with about three (out of about thirty-five) of them, personality-wise. Thusly I have been quite entralled at what happens or what gets said when (to them) no one is around.
I was cleaning off placemats one day while a bunch of the girls were sitting at another table, talking vehemently about relationships and sex and whatever it is the kids talk about nowadays. I was wiping the mats with a damp rag when all of the sudden, a cry from behind me: "I WOULD NEVER TAKE IT UP THE BUTT!"
This is so obviously a test from God. Do I dare laugh? Do I whirl around, shocked? Do I even speculate what the conversation was that lead up to such a statement? So many possiblities. I chose to play it cool, just like Alfred would have.
One former girlfriend had revealed to me that part of her sorority initiation was that she had to sit on a block of ice and pick up a peeled grape, no hands. If you find out any secrets, it might be best to feign ignorance so as to continue you mission.
Over here in old blighty we wouldn't know what a sorority is, I must say a lot of this american society is a complete mystery to us chaps. Maybe it was my uncouth upbriging but there was never any proms or class presidents, there was no "jocks" and "geeks".
Over here the classroom is like an ampitheatre, where the children have to fight as gladiators to survive against the terrors the teachers throw at you, chalk, board rubber's(erasers OK!), algebra, calculus. and all the above whilst keeping a stiff upper lip!
Try keeping a stiff upper lip while sitting on a block of ice!
no offense quacks but i'm guessing you had to dial 1-976-something before the "girlfriend" revealed that "fact".
Nope, no phone involved. A young woman from Mississippi. I've never done phone sex, I think that it would be about as useful as calling the phone psychics for advice. As a matter of fact, around here, one can have an actual woman for the price of phone sex, so I would imagine that one would have to be pathologically shy or have a phone fetish to bother with 976-XXXX. One thing about hooking up with a sorority is that if they like you, they'll pass you around like a vibrator until your batteries wear out.
i no cheat, you cheat, doctor jones! you very bad man!
and is this taking place in some uptight place like kanas or something? i recall college as mostly a series of sordid conversations in mixed company about every possible variety of sex... i guess that's what you get when you hang out in the art department
I recollect surveying to put in a dog race track at the Mustang Ranch in Nevada. They had slot machines in the small bar there. They never mentioned what they wouldn't do, but they never said much about what they did, either. Sometimes, they'd give comp tickets for freebies.
How is staniel's "Opportunity" not considered fanfic?
Goddamn you editors.
Look man when you get low on materiel to post, it doesn't matter if it abides by the rules or not. Would you rather nothing is posted? I'm tellin' ya mojo I'm sending round blossom to make things right for a monkey gone wrong.
Hey! I just remembered that the sorority girls used to say, "Go Greek once a week!" So, I can only conclude that the "up the butt" part must have been an aberration of some sort.
... so is half the horror genre written since H.P.'s day. As an homage to the master, it could not stand on its own without the background milieu which he produced, but you don't call every work of fantasy with Elves and Dwarves "Tolkein fanfic." Although this may be the case, from one perspective. Is all epic poetry "Miltonic fanfic?" Are stories which utilize the Roman pantheon "Homeric fanfic?" staniel's piece depends on the milieu but he could have used other existing signifiers than the lovecraftian ones he chose, or made up his own, and the story would still work; it would just not be an homage to HPL.
I would argue it's when the piece can't exist OUTSIDE of a predefined universe which the author is appropriating (because they have a story for that world and those characters) that it's fanfic. Upshot: it's only fanfic if someone else owns the rights!
Dear Penthouse, I never thought those letters you publish were real, but that was before I got employed in the sorority house...
I have been working as a groundskeeper in a convent, and...
You tease us with the secret and unattainable role of harem houseboy, then disabuse us of the notion that your position results in a lifetime's worth of "Pentouse Letters."
This is a cruel thing you have done.
BTW: Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
I'm thinking most if not all of the articles posted on this site could be modified to fit a Penthouse Letters format. "Faberge Turd," "Auntie's Dodge"... I'm sure there's at least one freak out there that would get off on such things. "Oh man, Auntie's dodge is so HOT!! Unnnghh!!"
It's "Rapid Fire Post Day", all day long, all night long!
Perhaps I should post up my experiences of "painting the old college building" in my summer break. It was erotic as a bucket of magnolia can be. Full of roller-on-wall and drips-hitting-skirting-board action. Oh baby...
what's the female equivalent to these depraved sex scenarios that we men are constantly daydreaming about during daily life? are all the sorority girls furtively looking at short round and thinking to themselves "daaaamn, he looks like a reliable provider. someday we will marry. yes, marry. what a wedding that will be, a wedding to choke all of these scheming bitches with envy. my perfect wedding. alas, in the real world this paradise can never be, as i am far too fat."
On the contrary, fat women seem quite capable of not only getting married, but also spawning litters of chubby, ill-mannered children. Haven't you ever been in a Wal-Mart?
i always wondered, though... were those beastly wal-mart women that fat to begin with, or is that just what multiple births, a mullet-haired husband and nothing to do all day but lumber and wheeze up and down the wal-mart aisles buying pork rinds will do to you?
I'm thinking it's a little from Column A, and a little from Column B. And speaking of
mullets...
If you're talking about what I think you are, I thought it was funny, but wasn't it basically a cut and paste job to rename the characters from an existing script?
Can't I just be bitter in peace? Actually, I was just complaining in general. Okay, but I have an article:
I Hate Amazon.com's Return Policy
Goddamn that return policy
So I can't return a defective/damaged DVD because it's been opened, but how would I know if it was cracked if I hadn't opened it? What up with that yo??
They won't take it up, the crack?
Dear Penthouse, I never thought those letters you publish were real, but that was before I tried to return my cracked DVD to Amazon.com...
The only problem is that the sorority I work in is the 'hot' sorority(Alpha Delta Pi, if you care to know). Here we have tried and true stereotype method regarding each individual sorority, e.g. the 'smart' sorority, the 'fat' sorority, the 'bitch' sorority, the 'nice' sorority, etc. etc. etc. So working in the 'hot' sorority, I see any number of choads (chodes?) that are from fraternities (I am not in a fraternity. I think, with my job, I count as three-fifths of a person within the Greek system) breeze in and out. And because the girls are somewhat encouraged to date Greek, which is no one's fault, but it's just stacked that way, GDI's (God-Damned Independents) such as myself tend to be forgotten when those A&F-clad Adonises (complete with gay undertones) pay a visit.
At least you didn't have to run naked through the woods or put the school mascot up your butt or whatever in return for the privilege of dating trust fund chicks.
Yeah, you could go for a charter as Gamma Delta Iota. I think that I'll change my name to "Skip&Muffy"
So Amazon.com is sending me a replacement, and said I don't even have to send back the damaged one (they took my word for it!), since "the cost of return shipping is prohibitively expensive in this
case"--too bloody bad I didn't get the e-mail till I'd already spent four bucks mailing the damn thing.
I assume Greek exists in Canada, but fraternities and sororities don't seem to be as important. So I don't actually have anything relevant to add.
Yes, many Greek in Vancouvers, good bouzouki band restaurant with garlic lamb and plenty damn ouzo on Granville Street. Epitrépete!
Heard that movie wasn't that great. I guess I'll just stick to the Iliad--I'm almost halfway through it, and there hasn't been no damn horse yet. I also heard that "once you've seen the sky in Greece you will understand all of philosophy", which is something I'd like to test. "'Zap! Pow! Kersplat! Die in bed, you Trojan pig-dog!'"
An eagle dropped a turtle on the guy's head!
QUOTING RED DWARF = DEATH
Don't fuck my shit up.
Don't fuck the man's shit up.
Or else Rage Against The Machine will write a scathing, psuedo-rap political dirge against you.
Or at least they would if they hadn't broken up.
Maybe if Zach de la Rocha joined the Irish Rovers.
Because I am in a sorority and live in the house , I couldn't help but comment after reading those suprising comments on what you guys think we are like. But nonetheless, I have thoroughly missed our houseboys over break and I'm sure they hear some really interesting things and have been changed for life. -maybe not for the better.. hahaha....
The thing is i am an adpi initiated in 2001. I would just like to inform you guys that you really have no clue what you are talking about. Thats not out password or our handshake. but if it make you feel better to pretend that you know a sorority secret, then have at it. I would really hope that you would have more of a life then to post false information online about a sorority.
But have fun with that.
pi love
adpildy
To Whom this May Concern:
It is disconcerting to me that other students would spend their time making futile attempts to ruin the name of individuals based upon what chapter they are in or not in.
If you feel that you are smarter than those who belong to a fraternity or sorority, then you should know the problems that arise from grouping people into stereotypical generalizations.
I am a current member of Alpha Delta Pi. In no way are any of the things being said on this site an accurate portrayal of our rites, rituals, or the sacredness that bonds our sisterhood. I do not consider myself to be an ignorant stereotype that knows nothing of reality and participates in such degrading actions. We live for each other, and for others. If you are a girl and are that interested in our events and rituals, I suggest you join.
Our purpose is our sisterhood. We are not "buying" friends by being in a sorority. For example, you are on a basketball team. You pay a fee to join to pay for equiptment, training, and other expenses that make it possible for you all to stay together as a team and play. Sorority life is the same way. We pay to maintain our houses, attend events together, and do philanthropic events.
We are classy. The first. The finest. Forever.
Do not classify an organization by stereotypes and a few select members. Sororities are a way to build a family in a new environment. The group of friends your always with are also a click. Our dues pay for our houses and events not friendships, loyalty, or sisterhood. If you don't care for sororities then don't join one. I have friendships that will last for a life time and guess what I no longer owe dues but they didn't stop calling me and being there for me when the money stopped. My sisters gave me everything I needed not only to have fun in college but be successful and respected while I was there. They helped me get my degree and have a great family away from home. Grow up and please stop with the I don't have to pay for my friends bull because you can't buy loyalty and a life time bond.
Do not classify an organization by stereotypes and a few select members. Sororities are a way to build a family in a new environment. The group of friends your always with are also a click. Our dues pay for our houses and events not friendships, loyalty, or sisterhood. If you don't care for sororities then don't join one. I have friendships that will last for a life time and guess what I no longer owe dues but they didn't stop calling me and being there for me when the money stopped. My sisters gave me everything I needed not only to have fun in college but be successful and respected while I was there. They helped me get my degree and have a great family away from home. Grow up and please stop with the I don't have to pay for my friends bull because you can't buy loyalty and a life time bond.
First.Finest.Forever
is anyone up for sharing their sorority ritual? i'm a *** (wishing i were in another organization) and will share mine if you share yours!
I'm curious to know: Chi Omega, Gamma Phi Beta and KKG
Hey ANNAKD,
I don't know the above rituals but I'm a DZ and can tell you theirs a lot involved with a sword! Our rituals really nifty! By the way are you really a KD?
I'm not really a KD... My mom was a KD in college and I always wished I could have gone them but they aren't at the college I'm at.... However I do know their ritual through her. I'm actually an ZTA and let me just say I almost WALKED out of the ROOM during initiation because it was SO freaky!
