By: staniel
[2002-09-04]
Zombie Identification Primer
I see a need and I fill it.
Despairing of any helpful online guide to assist in the identification of zombies (save for the Comet Cursor-afflicted one at
Zombie Juice), I have decided to write my own. I will list common sorts of zombie, as well as the weaknesses and vulnerabilities of each, as well as the method by which the zombie curse or disease is transmitted. Let us begin.
The Romero Zombie: This classic zombie is not granted many super powers other than sheer volume, though in later movies they sometimes have especially sharp teeth that can rip right through human skin, despite not being all pointy and carnivorous-looking. They move slowly and have limited memory and can't talk at all. Tranmission is either by contagious bite or natural death; zombie plague itself caused by overpopulation in Hell or radiation. Can be killed by destroying the brain, preferably with a bullet, or separating it from the spinal column. Immolation works, too.
The Fulci Zombie, or Zombi: The easiest zombie to deal with, their super powers are limited to the ability to fall apart even faster than regular corpses. It doesn't even matter how the zombie contagion is spread, because really, if you can't avoid them you deserve to die and be reborn as an easily-destroyed, shambling corpse. Can be killed by unarmed, palsy-stricken five year olds. The zombie curse in this case begins with voodoo, hence the alternate title of Zombi.
The Dead Alive Zombie: Sharp teeth, strength, and susceptibility to stimulants make these zombies pretty tough. They move at regular human speed or faster, but suffer lessened speech and memory in most cases. Spread by contagious bite, originally caused by the bite of a Sumatran rat-monkey. They can also reproduce sexually. Method of destruction is on a zombie-by-zombie basis, as you can kung-fu kick some of them to bits, but others will survive being pulled apart and attack with their surprisingly muscular innards. You can pretty much get by on Romero zombie rules, unless someone has gone and foolishly shot the zombies up with stimulants.
The Return of the Living Dead Zombie: Superior to human beings in every way, except the craving for brains and somewhat slower speech. Spread when corpses are reanimated by toxic waste, even in diluted form -- smoke from a cremated zombie, for instance. Unkillable, essentially, but if you hack them up enough they stop moving.
The Raimi Zombie: Short of the Return zombies, these are the toughest. Once bitten, living people will sicken, die, and return to life, much as they would if bitten by Romero zombies. However, these are as quick-moving and smart as humans, due to the potency of the evil magic that creates them. Unlike any of the other zombies mentioned, they can function without musculature, nerves, or brains, being available in both rotting flesh zombie and clean, white skeleton form. It usually takes something more than breaking their heads to kill them, though any attack delivered alongside a witty catch phrase seems to do double damage.
So which of these Zombies are Annna Zombies? I think she used quite a few in her dreams, but I think they're just the first two types.
She actually took the time to make the distinction, which is what inspired this article, partially.
This article and
this one right after it.
I was going to point out the the following, less pedigreed zombie:
"They Live/Reanimator/Numerous playstation game" Zombie (Notable because of the deliberate or accidental "science gone awry" injection/electrocution/inhalation which causes the body to reanimate.) Until, that is, I seemed to recall that the barrels in ROTLD were not truly toxic waste, but rather marked all over with mysterious guv'mint (read: military) sigils, biohazard glyphs, et cetera. However, as the ROTLD type subsists entirely on brains and I don't recall this as a dietary requirement of the others, I humbly suggest that you may have nominated a subspecies or regional variant as representative.
Aside: In my experience, immolation works for EVERYTHING, not just zombies.
Toxic waste created the original zombies, which were then tinned and branded with government sigils. That was my understanding.
Descriptions of zombie types not mentioned here are welcome.
there's always the Zombie Koopa from Super Mario World... a bluish-gray undead turtle who crumbles to a pile of bones, quivers and reassembles three seconds later... i think they can be defeated by spinning around your vertical axis while you jump on them.
Hoorah! Thus I name an unknown species! I bow to your superior undead lorecraft. Actually, now that I think about it, was They Live the one with the reanimated duck head, or the one with the magic sunglasses? Because I'm thinking of the former. As for the latter, I'm not sure I've seen the whole thing, but where would they fit in? And what of hybrids, like Frankenstein's creature (science) and the huge conglomerations of bits (necromancy) in the Anita Blake novels?
It's just a question of megatonnage.
Anita Blake sounds interesting. They Live, I believe, featured brainwashed humans and evil aliens, but no undead, supernatural or otherwise.
Does anyone else remember a movie from the early '80s, possibly late '70s, with a cumbersome goofy title like They Live? It also dealt with evil aliens, but there were some Gigeresque scenes where the alien parasite was actually forced out of the host human's body. It may have been an Alien clone, but it was set on Earth.
I saw this on cable when I was really little and would like to see it again.
was Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. the bible kind of glosses over it but it's a well-known fact that after doubting thomas stuck his fingers in his wounds jesus cracked his skull open with a powerful karate chop and scarfed down his apostolic brains. J.C. also created his own subordinate zombie, Lazarus.
Around here, Silver Diner Zombie Waitresses are the most common type. They morph from Skanky Crack Ho's who have gone through the initiation and rigorous 10-year apprenticeship which is usually completed by the time they are 25 years old, although they can become Silver Diner Zombie Watresses at 23 if they are from Bayonne, New Jersey.
I thought they bred them all in Takoma Park. I never done went and gone up to Bayonne, because I hear that's where the gays go for when they get their gay on.
I know, it rhymes with "cone".
Also, I'd heard some years back that they lowered the age of consent to 14 in New Jersey because of all of the underage girls selling their goodie in Atlantic City. Bayonne's not such a bad place, but Jersey bashing is always good for a yuk. I was reading somewhere recently that the Pine Barrens would be a perfect place for a UFO landing. Plenty of alien corpses there, for sure. Fuhgiddaboutit!
I'd prefer not to talk smack on our readers, but I just found out that
this monstrosity links to us. I could not see where on the page the link was, so I tried to right click, and got a ZANY WACKY FUNNY no right click message.
What an asshole. Anyone who wants to steal your images can print screen, paste into Paint, and remove the unwanted matter by cropping. I don't see why you'd be upset about anyone viewing your source, either, beacuse it sucks. Please go back to Hell and take all the flashing buttons on your "linky" page with you.
I like Solomon Grundy
someone deserves a beating for that website... and i never understood the "no right click" thing, it's just an advertisement of stupidity. i mean, you can steal his shit through the highly sophisticated hacker technique of highlighting it with the mouse and selecting "copy" from the edit menu. whoaaa, there's a glitch in the matrix....
No Middle-Click!
Hey, you forgot to tell us how to destroy the Zombie Waitress variety of the undead. Cause apparently, not tipping them just doesn't do the trick.
I think the "no right-click" thing is kind of like "The Club" for the internet... it only stops the stupid theives.
You can still do a "view source" using the menu bar, which will tell you everything you need to know about the page, including the URLs of everything in the page. In this case, you can find thingsihate in the "Ad Man Billy" banner.
Takoma Park actually spawns the patchouli hippie zombie breed, a much more dangerous and hard to kill variey of zombie, especially when compared to the Silver Diner Waitress zombie. Plus, they smell alot worse than the waitress zombies.
They are the worst! Impossible to kill, and they leave snail trails that ensnare their prey!
not the wooden kind, mind you, but the yummie red in the middle grilled version to dispatch the Takoma Hippie Zombie. Other suggestions include splashing them with bath water, NRA membership cards used as throwing stars and Ted Nuggent.
...are good sources for bud, but if you want to get rid of them, try the threat of gainful employment. If that doesn't work, Republicans surely will.
Yeah, steaks would work on the Vegan Zombies!
I didn't think to look at that banner which has nothing to do with thingsihate. Nicely done, quackquack! Your plan has succeeded beyond your wildest dreams!
...is definitely the
Widow-of-a-Dead-Rockstar Zombie. Not much is known about this particular species, but we think it is at least somewhat vulnerable to Dave Grohl. It is unclear exactly what method of attack would be lethal, but scientists are proceeding on the theory that the creature will eventually die on its own if fed a steady diet of heroin.
I hate ROTLD with a passion, it may just be that I hate all spoofs as they are worthless but mainly I like to think it is because it is a god awful movie.
I started my annual transformation yesterday.
anita blake does NOT sound interesting. fucking gay assed vampire dreck written right here in good old missouri which automatically make it not worth two shits.
Uh, so does that mean you've read it?
Also, did you not just write that in Missouri?
that no one has brought up the Serpent-and-the-Rainbow Zombie. Creepiest of all because its real.
I kind of lost interest some time last night after finding out they were vampire/werewolf novels. The novelty of her raising the dead to find out who killed them doesn't make up for the fact that vampires and werewolves tend to lessen the quality of things. There are exceptions, I guess, but they tend to be Ravenloft modules rather than novels.
Interestingly, "Anita Blake Zombies" are not inherently dangerous. If raised soon enough they retain life memories/personality and can settle disputes over wills, et cetera. But they require blood for the raising, and unerringly follow the commands of the necromancer who raises them, so "Zombies don't kill people, criminals with zombies kill people." Also some businesses use them as slave labor, but not in food preparation! Laurel K. Hamilton does a generally decent job of mainly making Vamps and Lycanthropes background to more interesting mystery stories with supernatural elements, which Anita gets called in on. She's on retainer to the police as a sort of supernatural specialist. Also Hamilton is not bad at adding other creatures (the Sidhe, lamia, random African Cobra-men, evil witches, criminal necromancers, exotic undead, would-be gods, etc) in. On the whole, I'd give her a 1-in-5 suck ratio for the series, which ain't bad for any author today.
On the vampire plus-side, one of the books DOES contain the best vampire character-idea I've seen to date, which I shan't reveal and annoy potential readers.
Zombie Waitresses got you down?
Tired of long lines at the store?
Significant Other won't get off your case?
Uncaring multinational downsized your department?
Unknown horrors lurking just beyond the world you can percieve?
Immolation is like Colt 45 - "It works every time."
Spread when corpses are reanimated by toxic waste, even in diluted form -- smoke from a cremated zombie, for instance.
From the current article, sir. The current article.
Megatonnage, sir. Megatonnage.
I HATE people who cant spell... "I will list common sorts of zomie..." i rest my case... ;-)
The right-click "oops" message you get when you
right-click on my pages isn't to stop people
from viewing my code (such as it is). It's to
make you smile or laugh.
Am I the last of the "make them smile" dorks
out there? Fine. Does that make me a "jackass?"
No. The net is for fun. Have fun.
Oh, you're having fun calling me a jackass. Ok.
But I think you might be taking yourself a little
too seriously.
Whatever. Take care,
--- Farfnarf
who's taking whomself too seriously? or is it you're taking yourself too funnily? hmm....
I'm not funny. I'm trying to tell jokes
and make people smile or laugh. This
world has a lot of crap, a lot of hate
in it. A lot of people trashing one
another.
Heck, I don't even run real ad banners
there at farfnarf.com, just fake ones
that are supposed to make people see
how silly ad banners can be sometimes.
But it's no biggie. I would never call
another person a "jackass" unless they
really attempted to hurt me or a loved
one in some way or other. I'm not
hoping that people here will stop calling
each other names like that, but I was
hoping to let the truth be known about
why I placed that silly java script on
my site that tells people to "take control"
when they right-click.
I get a lot of email from folks who get
a chuckle or two. Thanks for your input,
too.
---- Farfnarf
Space Zombies seems to have the advantage of combining several genres.
Your comment has been made redundant.
Farfnarf, if you're actually a reader of this site (and I don't see why you'd link it otherwise), then you should realize the following two things: one, this being THINGS I HATE we do have a tendency to get a bit critical at times, and two, that hyperbole is a not-unheard of phenomenon here. Additionally, I'm not sure what it says for your site that it's indistinguishable from what you claim it parodies. Oh, and a third thing that you should have gleaned from your readings is that you will get nowhere by taking the moral high road with me.
Shove it.
I say unto yea verily, that staniel will as likely take the moral high road as set fire to his genitals, and for the same reason: it rarely benefits him and like as not will result in suffering. Anyone who has tried to convince him to do dishes will readily discover this. Also, farfnarf, tho' I mistily recall the halcyon days when I as well had a certain naivete as well as a generally benevolent disposition toward others, those days are well before I would have considered contributing (or linking) to a site called thingsihate. While I empathize, I cannot sympathize.
You dropped the kinder, gentler schtick pretty quickly, as I recall. I believe a story was told to me with a not unthreatening air, a story of the time you solved a former roommate-dishes conundrum by leaving the dirty dishes on the offender's bed.
The moral of this story is, know the habits of the person you plan on sharing space with, so you don't have to change too much to live up to each other's standards of housekeeping.
I don't think either of us have much room to bitch, littered as the place was with beer bottles full of cigarette butts, with nickels lying across the mouths so as to keep the horrible odor of fermented dog-end from escaping.
For God's sake, let's invade something! The suspense is debilitating, and we haven't invaded, pillaged and plundered in a good while now; so just get on with it. Anyway, are there any good New Jersey Zombie movies?
hey, would serpentor count as a zombie?
That film you were talking about staniel could it possibly be "The Thing" , basically its about something in the arctic that likes to live inside humans because they are nice and warm. I haven't watched it for a while but I'm sure its got some of those things inside people jumping out of people and entering other people scenes.
This was the first site I could find about it, and it looks MARVELOUS!
http://homepage.powerup.com.au/~vampire/thing/thing.htm
I think that the Thing in the Arctic was a vegetable person, the original was played by some actor who later made it BIG as a cowboy actor. They could repel the Vegan Man with fire, Fire Bad!!! but they finally froze him and left it to the imagination the part that he might thaw out someday, AND THEN WHAT!?!? Attack of the BirdsEye Zombie!
I find the best paordys of such internet sites and banners, are the internet sites and banners themselves, any other attempt at parodying them makes it look too real to be true.
Unlike you I Would gladly call someone a jackass even if they hadn't done anything to me, but on retrospect as every person in the entire world can be linked to have shit on me at one time or another, or more like all of the time, the worst thing is that they deserve it. Now if someone did actually do something nasty to me well, thats when I would take the moral high ground. Nothing works better than becoming a martyr to your own cause, because thats when everyone else starts throwing themselves on their swords as well, trying to reflect some of your glory in their own pathetic existance.
Yours cynically and FULL OF HATE
The Anita Blake -type zombie sounds similar to another type that we've forgotten... the Stephen King "Pet Sematary" zombie.
Oddly, no such bottles infest the house now... also, _I_ was not behind the dirty-dishes-in-the-bed caper: this occured between two of my roommates. Consider it a parable, if you will.
can be killed by throwing magic guitar picks at them.
What, huh, and how?
Blank, it wasn't The Thing. I'm pretty sure it took place in a major North American city.
Jonas, your redundancy came about when I repaired my spelling mistake.
Laurell K. Hamilton -- it's a mortal sin to leave off the middle initial -- has several fetishes, I think, and they come together in the following manner. Most of Anita Blake's love interests and hangers-on fit this description: sadomasochistic, long-haired, effeminate bisexual supernatural creatures with detailed sexual histories with twisted supernatural partners. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
The first several books weren't bad, but I can only take so much of that formula.
Yeah, that's where the suck ratio comes in. The last one I read was abysmally disappointing, because the mystery component was mostly an afterthought to Anita's lovelife. I don't mind the SM, but if I want "Days of our Lives" with vampires, I'll (re)read Anne Rice. On the other hand, the internal bits where her Catholic upbringing wars with her f***ed-up situations are handled rather well in the earlier books, as are some of the social/religious aspects of vampires being "citizens." Like the vampire-run Church of Eternal Life, where they don't just promise life everlasting: they guarantee it.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
I don't think we're on the same wavelength.
zombies are bad. I heard from this guy that was a zombie once that they like to eat brains. I like my brain.
Rargh!
i really loved the anita blake book [the lunaict cafe]because it was so intersing.I am doing a book abut werewolves it's romance,sad and a lot of horror
Evil Dead had demons, not zombies, get it straight.
