Zirealism

If they can see that she has no undies on, she must be jumping from oh I don't know, 2 or 3 stories, which, yes, I believe counts as a fuck up.
Maybe she'll get lucky and they'll fuck up her rescue and she bleed to death in emerge. Or some such.

she could have unwisely chosen to jump from far above a binoculars and camera lens store just when several customers happened to be testing out the goods

and yes, this is like the third or fourth time i've been stupid enough to confuse the "name" and "e-mail" fields when posting on here. sigh.

Sunday and Monday Comix? Does that mean its going to be a bit of a lean week?

Shorter weeks

Or maybe she didn't have any clean underwear, which may be why she's out on the ledge in the first place. A thong might make her appear to be bare-butted. Maybe they put one of those big airbags under the building, or the camera crew didn't show up. Also, one wonders at the why of it? A bad hair day? Perhaps ther is a truck-load of cantaloupes parked below...

She could wait for the next space ship that will likey come the next time Haley's Comet returns.

it will be mighty hard to look morose while flailing to keep her skirt from parachuting.

If she REALLY wanted to kill herself, she would have worn clean underwear. Everyone knows that. This was just a cry for help... and possibly to get a man.

Thingsihate is going through a lean period, gentlemen. Time to tighten those belts and gather the crumbs.

Don't force me to resort to writing an article.

if she doesn't want her body anymore, can I have it for experiments? I'm building a zombie from spare parts.

Cyborgs are where it's at, these days.

Please send her over to my building to jump. It is boring here and we have nothing else better to do then to stare and point at some chick on a ledge. On the way over here have her pick me up a burger. I mean she's going to kill herself and I am probobly going to have to clean it up so the least she can do is bring me a burger right?

Cyborgs beware! You haven't encountered, "The Zombie with the Atomic Cunt!"

In Israel they have people who, after bombings, collect ALL the bits of flesh from buildings, trees, and so on, and bury them according to Jewish law. If they can't get the blood up with cloths and special solution, they cut up and take the blood-stained pieces of pavement.
The folk who do it are volunteers to boot.

Maybe she was meant to do a bunch of babies and coffee drinkers in, and misread the Arabic in her memo, thus fucking up not only her suicide, but also the many jolly murders she nobly volunteered to do to liberate her people.
Although it's her ankles that are abnormally fat, not her waist.

Sorry, I'll stop now.

The whole Middle East thing makes me unhappy. I can't imagine being THAT attached to any particular piece of real estate. Also, while I can respect some religious things, I'm glad that basically I have no religion and no morals to speak of. If they need someone to push THE BUTTON, I'll do it for a bottle of Wild Turkey and a carton of Camels. But I wouldn't recommend suicide to anyone; if they get THAT depressed, they should go whack somebody else, nothing like pure aggression to reaffirm life!

Suicide isn't the solution... move to the beach, instead.

One time on the beach, I found a remarkable artifact. It was so curiously shaped, slightly transparent, very smooth. A truly magnificent piece of architecture.

Later, I discovered it was nothing more than a worn shard of a glass bottle. I can only hope it was a King Cobra bottle, and it died doing it's utmost to render teenagers unconscious.

I once heard that each 1% increase in the unemployment rate represented an additional 15,000 suicides. I find that hard to believe, being that in sociology class, we were told that there are three kinds of suicide: egoistic, altruistic, and anomic; that is, "I'm too good for this!", "I'm not good enough for this!", and "Who am I?". There might be some economic linkage, which would make unethical CEO's very criminal, indeed. People should settle things by dueling with antique weapons like cutlasses, or maybe better, settle things like bonobo chimps.

You can always tell when a chimpanzee has had body work. Magnets won't stick to Bondo.

When in doubt, whip it out.

It slices! It dices! But wait! You ask, "Will it do yoghurt?"

There was a time in my life when I was entranced by the QVC home shopping channel. I used to stare at it, all glazed-eyes and fixed smiles. Sometimes, I felt the need to order. Once they had these excellent model cars on there, Ferrari, Porsche, Aston Martin, and a whole host of shiny trinkets to go with them. The man "in the know" was selling them so badly. To the point I almost felt sorry for him enough to pick up the telephone and order.

But when it comes to the crunch, how do you decide between a Ferrari F50 and a Porsche 911?

And my juicer is long overdue.

That's right, it filets, it chops
It dices, slices, never stops
lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn
and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair
it gets rid of embarrassing age spots
It delivers a pizza
and it lengthens, and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large
under the chaise longe for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar, step right up
it's only a dollar, step right up

It's funny how everyone, me too, dances around the topic of ending life. Sometimes, the game ain't worth the candle. But usually, the survivors keep going until the game gets better. Thinking of "Things I Hate," there's plenty of people and things that I'd walk into carrying a bomb, fuck you bastards! What would make THAT worthwhile is the kill/ratio; if I could take enough stoopid bastids to Nirvana, yep. So, all you SUV-drivin', cell phone talkin', imported spring water drinkin', capitalist pig dick suckin', Brooks Brothers suit wearin', Martha Stewart pussy eatin' K-Mart shoppers, there's a blue light special on aisle #5

Hey, it was only three Jonestowns! What's yer fikin' problem? 88!

I note with surprise your sudden flare of anger against those very things which symbolize our great nation to many of the denizens of the world. Your comments re: "capitalist pig dick suck(ers)" have been noted, logged, and will be analyzed as the Homeland Defense Department personnel are transitioned from their current snarls of bureaucratic bullshit and red tape into entirely new ones. As your First Amendment rights to freedom of speech (still extant as of this missive, have no fear!) were not exercised in a Shoney's restaurant, no direct action will be taken at this time. WE WILL BE WATCHING.

This charade brought to you by the letter Dubya, the number 400,000,000,000 (dollars, that is) and the Internet Security Task Force. Have a nice day.

Well, the timestamp on that last (sarcastic) posting was a little eerie, considering the content, that fact that I'm in a different timezone, and that I wasn't looking at the clock.

If anyone should kill themselves, it should be Seinfeld. A show about nothing? Feh! You should eat a bushel of Nazi shit and bark at a Muslim moon while a thousand camels rape your daughter, you non-funny stoopid network bastard! No damn wonder 70% of our allies think that we had 9/11 coming. It's assholes like you, Seinfeld, and a lot of the network botards; like, hey! I'm going to fight to keep your pantz up? Not! You should eat shit and die in the first place! Find a place to hide, you non-funny Jewboy! 88! If someone should blow your stoopid shit all over Broadway, I should hope that they couldn't find enough of your dumb bastard stupid kosher comedic crap to put in a matchbox, you fish-faced fart.

...the fact that the thingsihate server is 40 minutes behind anyways, unless it's in an offshore co-lo somewhere wierd, which I'm inclined to doubt.

On-topic for posthumous: As long as she dies it's all good, though the judges may subtract points for style. She can make it up in the interview, or maybe the talent competition. I hate tapdancing usually, but on a ledge with no unmentionables? THAT'S show business! She's a shoe-in as long as she doesn't want to defend her disseration after the coronation - big no-no.

if I had to describe Jews, it would be tap dancing on a ledge with no panties

Well, now I know who not to hire for my bomb delivery service!
PS Do you design weapons of mass destruction? If no, it's never too late for a refreshing career change.

You know the subs with the 24 missle Sherwood Forrest? I have had test shots that went wrong that cost more than $50m, so figure that a U-Boot is running more than $5b + maintainence, 400+ 50k bombs? Izzat mass enough for you, baaaaaybee? Figure, a dozen out to sea at a time, we ain't talkin' chump change here, bubbie. No, really. I got a copy of the Control Data Corp. manual for the CMAP Computerized Multiple Aim Point System for the TridentII D-5's. I yam ready and able to kill everybody on this planet, and enough megatonage to waste a couple of more planets, too. So, byte me, Gary Owen.

Pardon the length:
Futher analysis has concluded that Mr. Quackenbush's alias may have been highjacked by an ignorant, hate-mongering, cowardly shitheel who feels a need to vent his adolescent rage while still concealing his identity. While Mr. Quackenbush indeed hates, he does so with verve and style, challenging the reader, whereas the claptrap recently posted by said imposter seems merely the regurgitated neo-nazi maunderings of a mind too weak to form its own opinions. The use of "pantz" and "Not!" indicates youth, while the code "88" has been used in the past as a stand-in for two H's, or Heil Hitler. Further, a low socioeconomic status and poor family life may be inferred by various key phrases; the subject was probably a bedwetter in early life (note frequent scatalogical references) and may experience difficulty in satisfying a woman (note use of camels as a penile surrogate; he may be underendowed or impotent), if he is indeed not actually overcompensating for latent homosexuality ("fight to keep your pantz up"). Blaming another race (or two) for their own pathetic shortcomings (note thoughts of suicide) gives such stunted personalities an opportunity to inflate their own importance without the need of actually accomplishing anything useful. The approval of their peers, lowly as they are, reinforces this inflated self-opinion.

How's my reading, shitheel? Not that you would tell us that you can't satisfy your sister like Dad can, or that you like your men bald. (Ooh, all over maybe? Bet some of "your boys" go that far. Exciting to think about isn't it?) On a technical note, webservers log IP addresses of people who read and post on them. And ISPs keep their own logs. If anyone in charge of this site (which I ain't) wanted to try, they could find out who you are anyway. Stick to handbills and marching in sheets to hide yer faces: its more yer fucking speed. Considering that you now propose launching nuclear weapons, and flat-out state that you have the capability, I'm thinking I'd follow up if I were them.

This is me. :)

This is me when the site hosts a flame war. :(

Talk to me about monkeys.

i have to admit i've been tempted in the past to mockingly emulate jacques', er, unique style but never got around to it... this kind of wasted the opportunity if you ask me.

I vote in favour of an update, updates negate the need for flame wars, all hail updates.

Hiding? What's the difference between hiding under the water in a sardine can, or hiding in a tin box so those BAD Paletinian little boys, with no hair on their little undernourished chests, can't throw rocks at you while you are shooting at them. You are Soooooo brave! I hate you. 88! The World hate you! The UN votes against you! Eat pork meat, you idiots with goofy sideburns! 88!

You spelt palestinian wrong.

I don't think it would be hard to do, really... there are a few simple, commonly-available ingredients.

a) Lots of free time
b) Worn-out "F5" or "Alt" and "R" keys
c) several boxes of cheap wine
d) the groundbreaking self-help book, "Zen and the Art of the Non-Sequitur"
e) A willingness to tell a story that vaguely relates to every single Zirealism cartoon ever posted five minutes after it goes up

So, you see, as the recent "88"-laced posts have no bearing on recent updates, it can only be assumed that Senor Quack is not pushing the pen (so to speak).

Fine. It's like when I get in arguments with the FBI guys about old chemicals and new, high-tec chemicals. What the fuck is the difference? Dead is dead. You'd prefer hi-tech dead to lo-tech dead? Belimi, you won't know the dif

You mis-spelt "Señor" which is demeaning to our Brown Brothers not-so-South of the Border anymore. Viva la Raza. Like THAT'S not racist. So next time you need help, ask a beaner; they got it goin' on big time, what with their wall murals, bullfights, and five dollar pussy. There are a whole lot of Jooz trying to pass for Mexicans; they aren't fooling anybody! Box of wine? I have never tried one, not that I wouldn't. Bring me a box of of that Pissover wine, which is made from California raisins. 33!

Look, you bunch of nutless Gen-X wonders. By the time I was 21, I had been married twice and had a dozen kids, and built three cities. So, bite my Nazi hemmies! You ain't got enough startch between the bunch of yous to make a civilization, let alone a decent rave. Byte my Nazi ass, you lavender-shaded pansy invented-game playing synthetic lifeforms; wassamattaforyou? Reality ain't good enough? Or you doin' so good with realtime games that you got time on your hands? Not! Mommy and Daddy can't help you now. You don't have a motherfucking clue what being Mommy and Daddy is about, you bunch of overendowed, underexperienced underachievers. Eat my lederhosen! 88! And have a nice Oktoberfest...Farfeljügen, my azz!

Since actual updates don't seem to be forthcoming... maybe we can make this into one of those flashback episodes from a sitcom.

Remember this one from Ruth? TOWNIES!!

It's still getting comments. Granted, they don't make any sense, and they're very difficult to read, but they are comments. I take the piss me don't I!

And thus, the bait was taken and thoroughly digested. This is all very confusing. To think I interrupted my QVC watching for this. Egads.

explain to me why Rolls Royce cars now have Bavarian Motor Werkes V-12 engines. I want to hear why. Nothing rhymes with that, eh? Phft! Ein! Zwei! Zuffa! Have a pretzel, Dubya.

note that the jacques doppelgänger started right after the words "Jew", "Middle East", "kill" and "Zombie with Atomic Cunt"

had all been used in close proximity...

so I think we've finally seen one of the people who get here with those bizarre searches

like lookin for generous Jew. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Hey, let's see some work first. You don't like it, you're fired. Or yous can be a "freed slave" but the gist is that you get no more benefits, clothes, or food. And get the hell off of my ranch, bitch!
Dootchland! Dootchland!
Über alice! Yoober Alice Dootchlandt ist!

yeah. fuck today.

I think it's Mr. Quack, and he's just getting braver. Remember König's violent pre-transformation into Pierre/Jacques? His original comments have been removed, but you'll note secondary source references to "88".

Couldn't he just write about scenic bike routes again? Where's the love?

I'd say impotent, since camels spit.

Is Sean in Izreal? Nope. You know why? Because Jooz "R" Dum!

Ya think?

i hadn't seen those koenig comments before... then perhaps it is a case of too few meds. or far, far too many. i would have credited the non-pinchbeck jacques with a better grasp of german than "Farfeljügen" for fahrvergnuegen, but oh well.

I just noticed that König's current outburt is occurring exactly one year after his first one. September 25 mean anything to anyone?

The broth thickens, and too many chefs have spoilt it. Fetch the Knorr mix.

I feel bad about this, being the one who brought up Jews and Arabs. My comments weren't exactly bright, but they weren't meant to bait.
I didn't forsee a turn to the ugly and anti-Semitic.

I like Thingsihate. I don't want to see it turned into Thingsthatareunpleasantandnotworthreading.

Why do about half of you sound like you actually believe Quackenbush is being serious in his hatemongering? It's not even a subtle parody - it's an all-out no-holds-barred parody - come on, Dootchland über Alice? Don't you people visit POE enough to know what real anti-semitism looks like?

I thought everyone knew that Quackenbush was in over-the-top-parody mode?

It doesn't matter now. Let this be an end of it. We'll come back and laugh, one day, somewhere... over the rainbow.