By: staniel
[2002-09-30]
Night of the Pooping Animals
and other fine toys
Friday night, I saw an Exhumed Films presentation of
The Viy, a Russian fairy tale horror movie from the '60s. Before the show started, a lot of time was spent waiting for friends who had just gotten in line to get their tickets, then more lines at the concession stand. I lamented the fact that hot dogs were no longer being served to Dino, and advised him that if they had been available, I would have borrowed his money to pay for one. He said that he would have gotten one too. "Yeah!" I replied, "We could be hot dog twins!"
At the end of the lobby, where we retreated from the obviously homoerotic influence of the snack counter, I noticed a rack of toy vending machines. Nestled between the usual
bling and candy dispensers was a toy machine labeled "Pooping Animals and Other Fine Toys". The sticker bearing these words also featured a crude cartoon illustration of a farmer struggling to hold the doors of his barn closed, with dung visible through the loft and leaking through cracks in the wood. Intrigued, we inspected the merchandise.
The pooping animal toys were mostly lambs, as far as I could tell, and they had what looked like caramel on their rear ends. I actually believed them to be caramel dispensers until I saw that they had keyrings attached, which just doesn't seem right. Food doesn't mind your keys. That's not food's job.
Upon closer inspection, I discerned that roughly half the complement of other fine toys were non-magical magic eight-balls. That is to say, they were black and spherical and made of plastic, but were nowhere near the usual size, being in fact smaller than actual billiards balls, though only marginally. Each ball had one and only one fortune, which was painted opposite the eight. There were also a few embroidered patches. The only one I could get a good look at was of a fairly nondescript lion. Most inexplicably, the machine also had a length of thin nylon rope in a clear plastic capsule. Nearby and capsule-free was a plastic doll torso, heavily muscled and
sans arms and head.
Of course I didn't have any quarters.
You left us hanging. I spent more time reading the gang identification page. How was the movie?
was excellent. Really advanced for 1967, although there was a bit too much of whatever the filmological term is for having the camera orbit around something while remaining pointed at it.
Here is a good page about it and Ptushko's other films.
Sounds like a cheap trick to make a 3D movie, you should have squinted with one eye and it would have appeared that all the characters had jumped out of the screen.
YES....pooping animals are slowing becoming notorious. They are sold everywhere here, in stores like Spoils, The Reject Shop, The Two-Dollar Shop, etc. All these stores are relatively the same.
You can even buy them in pens and such now. Every one of my enemies, (mostly the other students) and a few of my own friends have bought one of them, be they a cow, (very popular), lamb, cat, dog, or pig.
My own mother went to Queensland for two weeks, and came back with one. A cow. The animal is actually hollow, filled with fake poo, and when you squeeze it, it comes out the anus, sometimes all the way, and then you have a hollow plastic cow and a cow shaped mass of dookie. It looks enough like caramel at first, but after a time of being squeezed into the open for so long, all sorts of real junk sticks to it, so it slowly changes colour, and then you have an animal with crap hanging out of it, along with lint, dust, twigs, and even gum.
Christ, I have to endure the other idiot students, some including my own friends, squeezing the fake dookie out of the ends of these things at me, now I have to stare at this thing, haunting me, in my own home?!?! WHEN WILL IT END?!?!!?!??!!
when animals stop pooping
i would have enjoyed that movie "big" a lot more if the kid got turned into a pooping animal instead of tom hanks.
Wait... Tom Hanks got turned into a pooping animal in Big?
to clarify on this important matter: instead of being called "big" and being about a kid who gets turned into tom hanks by a carnival fortune telling machine,
i wish that the movie was instead called "pooping animal", and that it were about a kid being turned into a pooping animal by a pooping animal dispensing machine called "Pooping Animals and Other Fine Toys".
You can buy those things over here. Like a chicken type device that lays Cadbury's Eggs. Which isn't as graphic as a pooping animal, I suppose. But you can also get plastic sheep, that when you push down on their hind legs, chocolate chips fall from a cavity in their plastic behinds.
that kids, and sadly adults, buy this stuff. I the 7-11s and such around here, you can buy large plastic noses filled with candy snot, plastic garbage cans with candy trash, a tin box of bubble gum band aids and other foul-themed candy. By far the snot is the worst of them -- its green and thick, like the slime in Gostbusters. You actually squeeze it out of the nostrils. Sure we had that fake chewing tobacco gum (and candy smokes), but to me there's something alot more wholesome about fake tobacco products than fake bodily fluids.
These hideous brainchildren reside in a local Acme Market near me. In a town which is so uptight they legislate paint colors for houses, the children may purchase small simulacra of animals which defecate. I don't get it. To add to the fun and echo staniel's gang refernce, the dispenser next to it contains tiny "Gangstas" that you can purchase and play with, complete with tiny bling. They may also come with fake bling for you, like dress-up Barbie an' shit, I don't remember. I've blocked it out. The logical next step, of course, is "Pooping Gangstas." I am surprised that there are no pooping animal or Gangsta candy dispensers; it's just about the only bodily byproduct that HAS not had a candy mimic produced in the mainstream market. Perhaps the "Pooping Gangsta's Proctologist Playset?" Like unto The Harry Potter Polyjiuce Potion Playset, you could make different candies by feeding your Gangsta, meat, fish, fruit, veggies, and a diet high in fiber. Let's not forget the veggies, particularly (of course) corn.
I find nothing more amusing than my pooping cow keychain which now holds my keys
There's a competing brand called Homies. I think both have been featured in
Leisuretown comics.
While assisting my mother with Christmas decoration shopping last year, I noticed that the local Ames store carried Pooping Reindeer, which are much larger than the Pooping Animals of the vending machine. They pooped brown M&Ms.
I thought about these the other day. I saw a bowl full of miscellaneous pills and wondered why they hadn't made candy pills yet. I mean, cigarettes are passe... the kids want pills nowadays.
Then they could have the candy patch.
Staniel! I have seen these reindeers!
In fact... holy Toledo... I might even have one somewhere.
I didn't buy it though. Festive gifts are never chosen. Stupid friends.
Speaking of strange candy, I don't know if anyone else here has this type, or has their own version of it, but...
When I was younger, around five or so, there was the candy that EVERYONE in that age group bought, because it made you look adult. Little packets, around the size of a miniature card set, maybe a bit bigger, with a genuine watercolour picture all around the sides, of what looked like darling children playing with a balloon in the english countryside, filled with white musk sticks tipped with red dye at one end.
In big bold western-style font, bright red capital letters, they were called FAGS. At the time, this was just another candy, and we were children, so we new nothing of the fact that there were multiple meanings for the word fag. Fags were another word for ciggarettes, nothing more. On a cold morning when your breath was steam, the coolest thing was to suck on the non red-tipped end and breath out, completing the illusion that we were five year old smokers.
As I grew older, I forgot all about this candy and moved on to bigger and better things. Just a couple years ago, I remembered how they were called fags and how odd it was that no one had complained about the fact that this candy obviously is a bad influence to impressionable young minds, and that consumption of them could lead you to smoke real ciggarettes, while slowly becoming gay.
I found a pack at my local store, and lo and behold, the title now read FADS, and the red dye was no longer present at one end of the musk sticks. I was saddened, as children pretending to smoke would no longer be cool. No matter how hard they tried to now smoke these sticks, the illusion would be missing vital points.
We still have big bosses, though.
When I was a kid, they had names and package designs similar to those of cigarette brands, but different enough to avoid legal difficulty. The two I remember are Lucky Stripe and Pell Mell.
do you mean PALL MALL?
SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY
I'm sorry too Staniel. That was just too funny.
is the real cigarette. Pell Mell is the candy cigarette. Just as there is no such real cigarette as Lucky Stripe.
i hate your mom pussy
lucky stripe is a cigarette/tobacco brand from the UK.
