By: Short Round [2002-10-02]

The Royal Glendale Mounted Police

It was summer, the last summer before everyone went their separate ways to their separate colleges. We (my current roommate and 7 year friend Drew) decided to throw one final party, a last hurrah. It just so happened that Drew's folks owned a plot of land out in the middle of nowhere. It then followed logically that the party should be a field party. We went all out, doing things that guys generally don't do for parties such as have a theme (Luau), decorate (we bought sand at Lowe's and a plastic pool to make a beach) and spend money beyond the cost of alcohol (generator, tent, etc).

We were set. A keg of Killians and a 5-gallon Igloo water cooler filled with a 2:2:1 combination of Mountain Dew, orange juice, and vodka. He christened it a 'Southern Screw.'

The party got underway. People showed up, people enjoyed libations, despite perhaps being a little young for adult beverage consumption in the US (but not Germany!). We were safe, though. A keys box and a sober guardian of said box kept us from doing anything stupidly regretful with car (now, within cars, that's another story).

It was about one in the morning and the party was still jumping, but starting to take on a collective alcohol buzz and slow down. It had peaked, but was slowly coasting. It was about that time that a silhouette appeared on the rise that separated us from the road.
In the white glare of a neighbor's barn light, we saw one silhouette, and then two, three, and four. I remember standing to look at the silhouettes, and slowly they came into focus. They were horses. With riders. And they were coming towards us.

That first heart-stopping minute when you realize you've been caught. Your heart jumps into your throat as your chest tightens. "Oh my god!" I shouted to myself, "it's the Mounted Police!" Suddenly, reason came running into my consciousness, after taking a fermented barley-induced break. "Wait a minute. Glendale doesn't have Mounties!" It turns out they were just people who rode around on horses looking for field parties. They had even brought their own Budweiser in their saddlebags!

That was the best party ever.
[2002-10-02 01:05:43]
I bet they were really the four horse men of the apocalypse, looking for something to do whilst they wait for the end of the world. It follows that if they had budweiser in their saddle bags that they much truly be bringers of evil.
Mounties are great, and kind of intimidating. It's the horse [2002-10-02 09:12:11] Vicarious
That sounds like it WAS the best party ever!
Glendale... [2002-10-02 12:27:18] Darkness
California? People just ride around in the dark looking for lights in the middle of fields on the horizon, nostrils snuffling for the sweet smoke tang of Honda generators? I'm not sure if that's cool or pathetic. Personally, if I was gonna gatecrash a party on horseback, I'd prolly bring a flask. Or three. And a lance. I wouldn't bring Bud. Ugh.

Bonus: drink as much as you want, and still drive home! The horse prolly knows the way and won't jump the median into oncoming traffic or smash into a telephone pole no matter how wasted you are! Unless it gets into the Igloo of Screw...
[2002-10-02 14:07:01] Jonas
Ah! Americans who don't drink Budweiser! Every redneck and high school gangsta in Canada drinks Budweiser--I don't know if it's cos they're trying to associate with an American image, or if they're pussies.
Canada's cheap beer culture [2002-10-02 18:29:21] staniel
I like that malt liquor still comes in forties in Canada, even though everything else is metric.
aliens [2002-10-02 20:30:28] buzz
they weren't party crashers on horseback... they were aliens coming to probe your butt. its true. it happens all the time. i'm sure they like party boys, but they weren't. they were aliens. sorry.

-adam
bwah [2002-10-02 20:50:39] buzz
if anyone is interested in reading a newly indexed compilation of each and every asian girl who won't date me, i'll have it ready in a day or two. its segmented into 'reason for attraction', 'reason for stagnation', 'conversation excerpts', and 'psychological scarring index'. if for no other reason, it WILL make you feel better about yourself. thanks - adam
Glendale [2002-10-02 21:10:34] short round
Actually, Glendale, Kentucky. A whistle-stop town, literally. Every year they have a "Crossing Festival" which, not only named after the railroad crossing, but is reminiscent of the burley farmers bringing in their crops once a year to ship on the Louisville & Nashville.

They probably weren't out looking for field parties, as ours is a dry county. They were probably drinking at home, and thought it would be a good idea to go riding around. I think they had a designated rider along with them, too. She seemed kind of uncomfortable at the whole underage keg party thing.
buzz [2002-10-03 19:21:36] staniel
Send that sucker on in to us editors.
its on its way [2002-10-26 00:49:50] buzz
god damn i'm slow.
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