The Thing I Hate Most
or "What I Hated During my Summer Vacation"
If I'm going to bitch about anything, you have to first let me get the
THING I HATE MOST out of my system. After this I'll be able to move on
to all the other shit that I hate - the common, everyday shit, the
funny shit. But first, without a doubt, I've got to say: I hate driving.
Oh c'mon, come back. I know, it's passé. Get over it. I hate people who think they've heard everything there is to say on a subject. You think I have a problem? OK, yes, I drive fast. I rarely get passed by anyone. I have a laser detector and I keep a sharp eye on overpasses, onramps, and suspicious clumps of bushes. I have gotten my share of speeding tickets. Still, I'm the guy behind you flashing his high beams and flicking the left turn signal, begging you to move over so I can resume my regular cruising speed of 80 mph. I'm the one passing you on the right. I'm the one who doesn't slow down very much in construction zones. Do I scare you? Do you think I'm unsafe? Do you try and get my plate number so you can call *911 on your cell phone? Sit down, shut up and listen, because the odds are, if you're an American, YOU are the problem. And I have just one thing to say to you ignorant American drivers: Will you please just get out of my way?
Don't think I'm not talking about you. I mean the whole great unwashed masses of asses out there, including you, your Auntie Fran and her nasty-smelling poodle too. No, I am not in a fucking hurry, I drive like this all the time and it doesn't matter where I'm going, there's no excuse for you to be in my way. Do you ever look in you rearview mirror? Do you even know you have a rear view mirror? You are the problem.
Do you ride the brakes? No, of course you don't but let me ask you this: do you ever brake to keep your speed under the limit when there's no one in front of you?
Do you get in the long line at the toll plaza? No? Then who the hell are all those people?
When you see a sign for a lane drop do you merge before the lane drops? Do you know what the zipper effect is, zipperhead?
Do you think YIELD means STOP? Then why the fuck are you stopping at the top of the on-ramp? Don't you know you can't merge unless you are at speed? How do you ever expect to get in? Of course, now that you're stopped, there's no way you will ever find a space long enough for you to accelerate into. That is, not without someone reaming you a new asshole with a Chevy. From a dead stop at the top of the ramp it's going to be tough to break into anything other than a sweat. You're a dumbass and you are the problem.
You think you have a right to change lanes when you put your turn signal on, even if there's a line of cars in the lane you want to get into. You think people should make room to let you in. When you're doing the speed limit in the right hand lane and someone merges onto the highway, you think you should get over into the left hand lane, even when I'm coming up on you at 85.
You get back into the left lane after you let me go by, even when there's no one in front of you in the right lane. You travel at the same speed as the car in the lane next to you. You think that when you're in the left hand lane doing ten over the limit that you have the right to stay there just because you're already speeding? Oh yeah, you are part of the problem.
If you're the cocksucker who speeds up when I try to pass you on the right but won't get out of the fast lane to let me go by... Hombre, if we ever meet at a rest stop some day . did I mention that I carry a machete behind the seat? Really handy for trimming hedges and settling traffic disputes. Don't even mention "road rage" to me unless you're willing to accept the consequences that come with being part of the problem. Self-righteousness will only net you an insurance claim. I hope you have good health coverage.
Seriously, I believe the best place to have a bad driver is receding in my rear view mirror. That means that the best place for you is eating my dust. And since you are all god-awful drivers, you force me to fly down the road, passing menace after menace, forever attempting to put you all behind me. It's that or be trapped in a slow pack of morons. It's your fault I drive like this.
Let's be clear, it's not what I drive, it's how I drive it. I see 57 year-old Q-tip lookin' motherfuckers with "Dr. Teeth" vanity plates on their sports cars doing 60 in a 65. I drive a rice-burning straight-4 and I regularly blow everyone's doors off. Not because my car is better, obviously, but because I'm willing to get on the gas and stay on the gas. I make good lane change choices. I can usually find a hole to wiggle through.
Yes, I can get through, if you'd only get out of the way and no, I will not just get caught at the next light. I take the racing line through every turn whenver possible. When it's not possible, I have no problems changing to the empty lane in the middle of the turn and romping the fuck out of the accelerator. I know what my car can handle before I lose traction and I know what to do when it does go. Do you? Really? Have you ever actually recovered a skid or did you just see Bullitt one time too many?
You will say that there's no point in passing because there's always someone else in front of me. You are an idiot. The slowest cars set the pace by blocking the road. If I can get around the worst offenders, I can break free until I hit the next blockage. In those gaps I can really improve my average speed by bursting to 90 or 100 mph.
Yes, I actually do get there faster than you. My times are always better than whoever I'm talking to. What takes others four or five hours, I do in three and a half. What takes them twenty minutes, I can do in seven. And yes, it does matter if I only save 30 seconds. Over the course of a lifetime I will log many fewer hours spent behind the wheel for a given number of miles than you. The savings add up. Driving fast is effectively adding years to my life.
Stop arguing with me. Let me tell you something: we need mandatory driving school for everyone before you can get your license, and it needs to be taught by someone other than the fat-ass high school football coach in the off season. You should have to demonstrate that you know how to parallel park, back up in a straight line using only your mirrors, and make a three point turn without using my damn driveway. Driving school should also require a highway course: merge onto the interstate, stay in your lane until there is room for you to move over and use your signals when you do. Accelerate into your lane changes, etc. etc. Pay attention, we've been through this.
It wouldn't hurt to make everyone take a high speed driving course while we're at it, to teach you people that driving fast doesn't have to be unsafe when everyone understands the rules. And wake up, we've got to have mandatory re-testing every five years and it should be just as hard or harder to get and keep your license as you get older, not easier. If you don't pass, too bad so sad, take the fucking bus gramma. Let's get these addle-brained geriatrics off the road, shall we? It's better for everyone concerned, especially me. Just because you married some fat-assed office flunky who can afford to keep you like a pet dog doesn't necessarily mean you get to stay an SUV-driving road-hogging soccer-bitch until you're fucking old and senile and you run over a crowd of Japanese tourists in the pedestrian mall.
OK, listen, I can be reasonable. What we really need to do is institute Autobahn rules on every Federally funded highway in the country. What are the Autobahn rules? Damn, I was wondering how long it was going to take you to ask:
Oh c'mon, come back. I know, it's passé. Get over it. I hate people who think they've heard everything there is to say on a subject. You think I have a problem? OK, yes, I drive fast. I rarely get passed by anyone. I have a laser detector and I keep a sharp eye on overpasses, onramps, and suspicious clumps of bushes. I have gotten my share of speeding tickets. Still, I'm the guy behind you flashing his high beams and flicking the left turn signal, begging you to move over so I can resume my regular cruising speed of 80 mph. I'm the one passing you on the right. I'm the one who doesn't slow down very much in construction zones. Do I scare you? Do you think I'm unsafe? Do you try and get my plate number so you can call *911 on your cell phone? Sit down, shut up and listen, because the odds are, if you're an American, YOU are the problem. And I have just one thing to say to you ignorant American drivers: Will you please just get out of my way?
Don't think I'm not talking about you. I mean the whole great unwashed masses of asses out there, including you, your Auntie Fran and her nasty-smelling poodle too. No, I am not in a fucking hurry, I drive like this all the time and it doesn't matter where I'm going, there's no excuse for you to be in my way. Do you ever look in you rearview mirror? Do you even know you have a rear view mirror? You are the problem.
Do you ride the brakes? No, of course you don't but let me ask you this: do you ever brake to keep your speed under the limit when there's no one in front of you?
Do you get in the long line at the toll plaza? No? Then who the hell are all those people?
When you see a sign for a lane drop do you merge before the lane drops? Do you know what the zipper effect is, zipperhead?
Do you think YIELD means STOP? Then why the fuck are you stopping at the top of the on-ramp? Don't you know you can't merge unless you are at speed? How do you ever expect to get in? Of course, now that you're stopped, there's no way you will ever find a space long enough for you to accelerate into. That is, not without someone reaming you a new asshole with a Chevy. From a dead stop at the top of the ramp it's going to be tough to break into anything other than a sweat. You're a dumbass and you are the problem.
You think you have a right to change lanes when you put your turn signal on, even if there's a line of cars in the lane you want to get into. You think people should make room to let you in. When you're doing the speed limit in the right hand lane and someone merges onto the highway, you think you should get over into the left hand lane, even when I'm coming up on you at 85.
You get back into the left lane after you let me go by, even when there's no one in front of you in the right lane. You travel at the same speed as the car in the lane next to you. You think that when you're in the left hand lane doing ten over the limit that you have the right to stay there just because you're already speeding? Oh yeah, you are part of the problem.
If you're the cocksucker who speeds up when I try to pass you on the right but won't get out of the fast lane to let me go by... Hombre, if we ever meet at a rest stop some day . did I mention that I carry a machete behind the seat? Really handy for trimming hedges and settling traffic disputes. Don't even mention "road rage" to me unless you're willing to accept the consequences that come with being part of the problem. Self-righteousness will only net you an insurance claim. I hope you have good health coverage.
Seriously, I believe the best place to have a bad driver is receding in my rear view mirror. That means that the best place for you is eating my dust. And since you are all god-awful drivers, you force me to fly down the road, passing menace after menace, forever attempting to put you all behind me. It's that or be trapped in a slow pack of morons. It's your fault I drive like this.
Let's be clear, it's not what I drive, it's how I drive it. I see 57 year-old Q-tip lookin' motherfuckers with "Dr. Teeth" vanity plates on their sports cars doing 60 in a 65. I drive a rice-burning straight-4 and I regularly blow everyone's doors off. Not because my car is better, obviously, but because I'm willing to get on the gas and stay on the gas. I make good lane change choices. I can usually find a hole to wiggle through.
Yes, I can get through, if you'd only get out of the way and no, I will not just get caught at the next light. I take the racing line through every turn whenver possible. When it's not possible, I have no problems changing to the empty lane in the middle of the turn and romping the fuck out of the accelerator. I know what my car can handle before I lose traction and I know what to do when it does go. Do you? Really? Have you ever actually recovered a skid or did you just see Bullitt one time too many?
You will say that there's no point in passing because there's always someone else in front of me. You are an idiot. The slowest cars set the pace by blocking the road. If I can get around the worst offenders, I can break free until I hit the next blockage. In those gaps I can really improve my average speed by bursting to 90 or 100 mph.
Yes, I actually do get there faster than you. My times are always better than whoever I'm talking to. What takes others four or five hours, I do in three and a half. What takes them twenty minutes, I can do in seven. And yes, it does matter if I only save 30 seconds. Over the course of a lifetime I will log many fewer hours spent behind the wheel for a given number of miles than you. The savings add up. Driving fast is effectively adding years to my life.
Stop arguing with me. Let me tell you something: we need mandatory driving school for everyone before you can get your license, and it needs to be taught by someone other than the fat-ass high school football coach in the off season. You should have to demonstrate that you know how to parallel park, back up in a straight line using only your mirrors, and make a three point turn without using my damn driveway. Driving school should also require a highway course: merge onto the interstate, stay in your lane until there is room for you to move over and use your signals when you do. Accelerate into your lane changes, etc. etc. Pay attention, we've been through this.
It wouldn't hurt to make everyone take a high speed driving course while we're at it, to teach you people that driving fast doesn't have to be unsafe when everyone understands the rules. And wake up, we've got to have mandatory re-testing every five years and it should be just as hard or harder to get and keep your license as you get older, not easier. If you don't pass, too bad so sad, take the fucking bus gramma. Let's get these addle-brained geriatrics off the road, shall we? It's better for everyone concerned, especially me. Just because you married some fat-assed office flunky who can afford to keep you like a pet dog doesn't necessarily mean you get to stay an SUV-driving road-hogging soccer-bitch until you're fucking old and senile and you run over a crowd of Japanese tourists in the pedestrian mall.
OK, listen, I can be reasonable. What we really need to do is institute Autobahn rules on every Federally funded highway in the country. What are the Autobahn rules? Damn, I was wondering how long it was going to take you to ask:
- Always watch your mirrors
- Let faster cars pass
- Left Turning Signal = Move!
- Never pass on the right, only pass on the left
- Pass quickly
- Do not tailgate
- Right lane slow
- Center lane faster
- Left lane fastest