Things I Have Actually Been Told by Teachers

"I don't believe modern man evolved from the so called early hominids. I believe in divine creation."
Substitute professor for a Freshman level Cultural anthropology class.

"I've held enough fissile material in these hands to turn this whole city into a white-hot crater."
10th grade, English

"The rhythm method works."
11th grade, Health

"Jesus Christ Almighty and all the Saints, the rhythm method doesn't actually work!"
11th grade, Father Mark, Confirmation catechism

"I don't believe in the subconscious."
8th grade health teacher

Mr. Ferguson was a retired Army guy who taught us history, and every time he'd turn around to write on the blackboard, we'd all throw balled-up paper all over the place. He knew something was going on. Finally, one day he whirled around and slammed his text-book down on his desk! And smashed his glasses! So, my favorite quote of his would be, "I broke my glasses!"

Mr. Anderson told us, a bunch of 8th graders in NJ in 1981, that we would speak the Queen's English in his class or not at all. So we obliged him and threw a few more dees and dats and dose into our speech.

We too had a retired military man teaching us history... big guy, about 6'4", 250#. When the fire alarm rang, he would freak out and crawl under his desk.

he thought it was an air raid.

I figgered; either that or some sort of 'flashback.' I used to like to visit Jersey, the part around Maple Shade and Haddonfield. It took me a week to soak-up the accent, and about two or three weeks to lose it after leaving. Youse guys! Down da shore. Grinders! In grade school, I actually got out of class by snorting a bunch of snuff and having sneezing fits! Lessee...a favorite teacher saying. "Today, we will discuss the Hickenlooper Amendment."

I think you're talking more of a Philly dialect. Where I grew up it was 'downashore' and submarines, not grinders. Enuff Snuff! I told my students that cats can't pee without meat.

Maybe downashore...but it was definitely grinders. West Orange and Nutley doesn't sound like Jersey to me. Dissecting earthworms, "Now, you will notice that the worm has 6-pairs of hearts."

Math teacher that was also an RN. "When someone has an epileptic seizure, put something in their mouth to keep them from biting their tongue....Like a pencil, for instance."

Even as a seventh grader, I was glad that this certified "professional" was no longer providng health care for the masses. Also, she was a poor math teacher, students were frequently correcting her examples on the blackboard....

There have been several scandals with nurses re-using needles; I mean, how cheap can you get! In Oregon, I had a nurse use the same needle for TB patch tests. Not no more! That's funny about the pencil, I'm sure there was sawdust after a fit. Drunks have seizures, I heard you should roll them on their side. Or roll them around in flour and look for the wet spot. Maybe that's fat ladies, I dunno. One thing that I remember from school is that we put Petri dishes with agar culture in our gym lockers, and mine grew the most interesting culture!!!

I'm reading a Dick Francis mystery book, all of his stories involve horses in some way. So, the guy is out at the race track in Jolly Old, and the punters are eating jellied eels out of paper cups! Maybe that would catch-on at baseball games here...naw. But if there were more Japanese ball players, maybe. (We now resume our regularly scheduled program)

Those who can, design.
Those who can't, build.
Those who fail, teach.

Also: Heisenberg may have been here.

...and those who can't manage any of the above scrawl aphorisms on bathroom walls.

The people's anonymous, hateful, sexist, homophobic, piss-spattered message board. So really, Mr. Pithymood, you have to ask yourself: "Am I some sort of fascist-loving commie terrorist?"

Well?

I went in the "Women" one time because they were cleaning the "Men." THEY TOLD ME TO! Anyway, women have different grafitti, on the back or the stall door, someone had written, "CRAMPS!!!"

they told me to go in there, too.

well, i'm no flag-googler but pinko-liberal is as far as i lean.

There once was a man from Tahiti
whose diet was overly meaty.
He posed like The Thinker,
unloaded a stinker,
then used it to write some grafitti!

Our good friend pithymood
Danced around in the nude
Then emitted a draft
From the abaft
My, how exceedingly rude!

i've been immortalized in ether! ...or similar substance...


The legacy of legumes...

Gastronomy! - its details hold a spark,
a wafting scent hints pleasure for the mouth.
Distasteful, this sensation in the dark,
when smells arise from regions further south.

The ruffling of your blanket was the cue
to halt air traffic with olfactory goals,
to stifle any breath that might ensue...
this common sense inspires (though lung cajoles).

I'd always dreamed we'd nestle cheek to cheek
so wearily I bide, fret-turned and tossed.
Thus bound within the havoc you can reek,
I fear there's no escape from this exhaust.

The choucroute called, the blaspheme arose -
by any name, unsavory to my nose.

an alternative look for thingsihate...

Update damnit!

Where's Antwan, does he still live with the breathing and the eating?

...that's sort of how most people keep it goin' on.

"Stop doing that, or you'll go blind!"

"The people's anonymous, hateful, sexist, homophobic, piss-spattered message board."

If only I'd thought of that first, this website would have a slogan.

I once had a high school calculus teacher describe in graphic detail an ambush his unit laid in a rice pattie in Viet Nam... with illustrative pictures on the black board, no less.

It was actually kind of a cool story... but also a bit disturbing, especially when hearing how an M-16 can actually take the top of a man's head clean off, almost as if he were having a surgical cut for brain surgery.

He wasn't a very good teacher, either... He would write out some long ass problem/proof on the board (about 2 - 3 pages of notes) only to get to the end with a hesitant "Hmm... that's not the right answer... Well, you guys can figure it out." Goes far to explain my college calculus grades...