By: Hatless Jack [2006-01-10]

Trip to the gun show.

A report from the field

So, I was talked into tagging along to a local gun show by a couple of friends. This was an odd choice on their part since they were forewarned numerous times that I would be frequently and loudly quoting Charlton Heston, Charles Bronson and Clint Eastwood.  They thought I was joking. Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot!

I felt very much like a fish out of water. The last time I held something that looked remotely like a gun was back in the Cub Scouts, and we were lucky if the bee bees broke the paper target. The day consisted of wandering from one booth to the next while my friends ogled increasingly bigger and bigger weaponry. They eventually came across a handcannon so big I was certain they would also need to purchase fusion-powered battle armor to keep the thing from turning the shooter's forearm into a mass of pulpy flesh and microscopic bone splinters. If I recall correctly, it cost more than my car several times over. And those were just the handguns. I don't even know how to describe all the other guns I saw, but if I ever need to topple a third world country or put down the Tarrasque I know where to start.

Now would probably be a good time to explain my position on guns. Guns are a lot like recreational dynamite: There's no reason you should be denied the simple pleasure of just haphazardly blowing stuff up in the middle of a wasteland if that's all that you're doing. Now, it's obviously detrimental to society when you use the dynamite to, say... rob a bank. Everyone's against that. But a different problem a lot of people seem to miss comes when you stockpile dynamite, possibly naming each stick, and fervently hope that someone someday breaks into your house so you can legally use the dynamite against them. That's kinda what disturbed me at the show.

It started with the person silhouette shaped targets. Those struck me as a monumentally bad idea since those are the same targets the military uses to train people to shoot at person shaped silhouettes. "Oh but Hatless Jack, you don't want to have to think about shooting a person shaped silhouette that's sneaking around your house at night!" Hmm... right, right. Go check the likely hood of shooting a family member vs. shooting the guy on the neighborhood watch signs with the spiffy black fedora. Then I noticed targets with what I like to call "ski mask dude" on them.  Ski mask dude makes you feel good when you shoot him. Ski mask dude has many outfits. Sometimes ski mask dude wears body armor, sometimes he has a knife, other times he has a gun, and sometimes he is a horribly racist caricature of an African American gangbanger. You see, it all depends on whom you fantasize about killing in your free time.

It didn't just stop at the targets either. Let me tell you that none of you have any idea of the extent of man's ingenuity until you see the 31-derful different flavors of ammunition in each booth. I had absolutely no idea you could get homebrew ammo that specialized in maiming people in so many different and exciting ways! "This bullet is made of a copper husk filled with a drop of mercury! We sealed it in a vacuum. When the bullet enters the target's body the mercury uses kinetic force to shatter the husk, dispersing it into the tissue! Isn't that great! I have these other rounds that are made of a special soft alloy that mushrooms out into razor-sharp edges when it enters flesh. The Nazis banned them because they thought they were too inhumane.  Sir! Wait! If you act now I'll even throw in these shotgun shells filled with thermite. Sir! Sir, come back!" I can't even get fireworks that explode in this county.

Then there were the knives. Look, I don't know much about guns, but I do know knives. I carry pocketknives all the time, and I own several pretty shiny sharp things that I can't legally carry (not that I'd ever have a need for any of it). What I saw in the show were knives designed to slit throats and puncture organs. Of course, the word "knife" under-describes the knives that were actually daggers, and the knives that could be classified as dirks (still designed to slit throats and puncture organs though). This in and of itself isn't all that damning either. I can understand the beauty inherent in that type of knife: It's like owning a claymore (the sword, not the mine). You mount it on a wall, put it on a shelf. But it seemed like most of the people who crawled out of the mountains to attend this show came in wearing their knives on their hip, and it looked like a good half of those guys left with something bigger, sharper, pointier, and more jagged slung off their belts. It was like each and every one of them was waiting for the day where they would get to reprise that scene from Crocodile Dundee, except instead of having Paul Hogan simply stating a fact for laughs you have to imagine a potbellied, middle-aged man with a Marine Corps. tattoo on his flabby, flabby arm screaming it in impotent rage.

That's really the crux of the matter. This particular show put itself forward as a family show, but everything being sold and everybody at the show just screamed "Bring it on world! I'm always ready to kill people!" Given, there were families present, but that was just as disconcerting. It's one thing to watch Dirty Harry in the movies take care of perps with a smirk and a big ass gun, but it's another thing entirely to see a grown man with a family pretend he's Dirty Harry every day of his life. There was no fun or whimsy involved in the show like there is in other non-gun related hobby shows I've been at. You didn't get a target in the shape of a clown or people good naturedly talking about what would happen if you shot a toaster. What you got was a bunch of folks who were in a constant battle against a world that wanted to loot their houses and ravage their women.

I guess the point is: Gun people, the other people in your hobby scare the ever-loving shit out of me. I think you would do much, much better in public opinion if you made the focus of your pro-gun campaign some thing along the lines of "We're just having fun." Where's the crowd that likes shooting clay pigeons? Where are the gun enthusiasts who just shoot at targets only for the zen and satisfaction of shooting at targets? I know you are out there --hell, I attended the show with two of you. Why is it like your entire hobby is preparing for ragnarok? You have to take back your hobby from the people who are likely to "accidentally" kill the rest of us because we knocked on their door at 10:30 at night, and you should probably also take care of the guys who think they need to stockpile their guns in case the Federal Government comes for their gigantic stockpile of guns.
Skeet&Trap [2006-01-10 00:46:09] König Prüße, GfbAEV
I like skeet and trap! I saw one French shotgun with four sets of different gauge barrels for five thousand dollars! And that was second-hand. It was at the Dixie National Skeet Shoot. I like the Baretta .12 over/under for a good skeet/trap/bird gun. The local oreintal store has quail and ducks. Bow-hunting and black powder hunting are sort of interesting. I'd like to hunt wild boar in North Carolina with a bow. I hear it takes two or three days to cook a wild pig. Maybe I'll just go get a couple of burgers instead. The first trap I shot was with a Remington 1100, and I still can't hear well out of my right ear. Yep, it's burgers. Fishing is usually less noisy.
Fishing is usually less noisy. [2006-01-10 03:28:19] Hatless Jack
Usually...
And Herring [2006-01-10 03:44:26] König Prüße, GfbAEV
Noisy Herring!
Moules [2006-01-10 06:03:53] König Prüße, GfbAEV
I can just see Sean shooting moules!
urine good hands.. [2006-01-10 07:32:22] perfktMperfktshun
well i was gonna comment on this right now butt i have to go pee...mother nature has the worst timing
~one thing leads to another~.... [2006-01-10 20:25:40] perfktMperfktshn
yeah and while they r at it git rid of cars and trucks and air planes coz people get dead by those too.i know i dont want run over in my bed coz sum drunk ran his car through my bedroom wall at 10 30 at nite .and forks and knifes those r sharp.oh pens and pencils too...ropes, shoestrings,razors , war, drugs,racism,... well u git the idea ...anything that makes u dead... oh hell just push the button...life causes death...
Ragnarok [2006-01-10 20:30:29] Stonecutter
I think you overestimate the intelligence of those you directed the Ragnarok statement towards. However, that being said, I don't necessarily think it a bad idea to be suspicious of one's government. And although my .38 and my shotgun may not be enough to fend off my government should I feel it is time to fight, at least I can still use them until they totally annihilate me with their vastly superior firepower. Shooting is fun, and having been to gun shows myself, I agree with you that it can be an alarming experience. The fact that I share some beliefs with those cretins leaves me often pondering how I am perceived by others. However, I do believe that it is possible to have fun with guns and be responsible with them at the same time. FYI, there is a type of round called a Glazer safety slug which, by design, basically shreds human flesh, but won't pass through walls. It essentially is a bunch of bird-shot inside a hollow-point coated in teflon. Alot of police depts are against them since the teflon helps to pierce body-armor, but I like the idea of only shooting the guy breaking into my house, and if I miss, I won't put a bullet through my toddler in the next room. Besides, if the guy breaks into my place in body armor, I can still take him out. Please note that some of this is sarcasm. I am far from a gun freak, just an advocate of constitutional rights. Humanity is too well known for its inhumanity. Go figure
the "other" members of your club [2006-01-10 23:04:41] Wyatt
I'm pro-gun nut. Gun nuts make me look sane by comparison and are always willing to shell out the millions of dollars needed to effect legislative protection for gun ownership. Since I have no interest in dealing with that, yet am willing to reap the benefits, I appreciate their obsession.

Perspective: [2006-01-10 23:27:36] Hatless Jack
To be honest this was written before Katrina. My views have shifted since then. When the zombies come I'm definitely going to need one, and really if you prepare for Zombies you're pretty much good for everything. Well, that's not exactly true either. When the zombies come I'm definitely going to need a good chain mail coif and shirt, but I'll continue resisting purchasing those with every fiber of what little willpower I have.

Yes...must...resist…purchasing...chain mail...

Anyho, a heavy-duty revolver is soon going to be tossed into the box along with the clockwork radio, portable water filter, and spam. I'm thinking something with excellent stopping power and a heft to it so I can get a good pistol whip on. Of course, it's going to stay locked up until I need to start barricading doors and windows or I really need to kill a television.

I still say the utility of guns for personal home defense in urban areas is overrated, though.
~non-stick death~ [2006-01-11 00:38:07] perfktMperfktshn
....hhhhhhmmmm a teflon coated hollow point..well even if the gunshot wound was only superficial the teflon would kill the intruder... well eventually...one that has the balls to enter another's home univited desserves a long suffering death and it makes the sweet taste of revenge just a lil bit sweeter.....
Bat Guano [2006-01-11 01:53:42] König Prüße, GfbAEV
I think that the trick to survival after the apocalypso will be to wait 'til everyone runs out of ammo, and then make weapons out of dogwood and bat guano. I happen to have a goodly supply of bat guano, and feel that the future is secure, albeit a bit smelly.
Gnaaagh [2006-01-11 02:21:21] Wyatt
and really if you prepare for Zombies you're pretty much good for everything.


That is totally my philosophy. It gives you perspective both on the probability of occurence and on the diverstiy of resources that are going to be needed to survive.

Must resist ... turning cabin cruiser into gunboat ...

Revenge [2006-01-12 01:17:59] gravey
one that has the balls to enter another's home univited desserves a long suffering death and it makes the sweet taste of revenge just a lil bit sweeter

You see, perfkt-etc, that's what Hatless Jack was talking about. In any case, I'll take your abilities at spelling and thinking rationally (qv. your first comment) as representative of the people HJ directed his Ragnarok statement towards, as Stonecutter said. Congratulations.
bat guano [2006-01-12 05:26:17] pithymood
poor doggie!
Zombies [2006-01-12 18:33:34] Stonecutter
To be truly prepared for Zombies, it is important to remember to have around some helpless fodder-people to try to protect until their own stupidity causes their demise whilst giving you the opportunity to reload. BTW, It was Zombies that first led me to this site. Namely Annna's propensity for killing them in her dreams...

Wouldn't it be fun to do Zombie-skeet?
Movie quote. [2006-01-12 18:38:14] Stonecutter
"Forgiveness is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting."

Man on Fire

This is my opinion on the status of anyone that would choose to break into my house. Thank goodness that it is albeit unlikely. That said, most victims of home invasion also have the opinion that it is unlikely until after the fact. Having a gun in that scenario evens things up a bit, assuming one has followed through with the due diligence of learning to use the tool in question.

I also am pro gun-nut as I am more or less unwilling to participate politically to maintain the right I cherish so.
Home Invasion [2006-01-12 21:29:27] Wyatt
It's not like anyone invading your home is all that likely, despite the fact that the NRA loves to publish "my gun saved my family from gang rape" stories. As has ben previously mentioned, the odds of the gun being used to shoot a family member are about 7 to 1 greater than the odds of actually using that gun to shoot an intruder. Not to mention that gun laws in most states do not allow for protection of personal property as a defense for homicide. You'd better make sure you've already called 911 and told them that there's an intruder in your house and that you are afraid for your life. Then you'd better give the intruder a chance to flee by shouting that you've called the cops, have a gun and are willing to use it. I have a hard time imagining the house burglar who wouldn't immediately bolt, but if they do stick around and you do dust them, be prepared for court and the associated legal fees when you're sued for wrongful death by the burglar's family. Don't laugh - it's more comman than you might realize.

Bat Guano! [2006-01-12 22:13:11] König Prüße, GfbAEV
See? This is where bat guano comes in handy! You put a bag of burning bat guano on the front porch and when the burglars stop to stomp on it, you shoot them!
Always remember the Criminal hierarchy: [2006-01-12 23:01:51] Hatless Jack
Burglar: Friendly neighborhood criminal. Carries no weapons, goes to great lengths to make sure you're not home, if you spot him he'll sprint off and be five blocks away before the police show up.

Rapist: Probably not carrying a weapon. If carrying a weapon it's probably a knife. Sounds like a good candidate for preventive gun measures, however if they're in your house they went to great lengths to make sure you're unaware which usually means waking up with something pointy on your neck or just suddenly being beaten down out of the blue.

Murderer: You kidding? This is probably someone you know and love. And they're probably already using your gun.

Serial killer: See rapist, add "Prepared to kill you".

Home invasion: Clockwork Orange with shotguns. You man enough to play Dirty Harry with a criminal while his buddy is pointing a gun at your kid's face? Well, are ya, punk?
Well, you're going to meet Him real soon! [2006-01-13 00:19:07] König Prüße, GfbAEV
Probably why I'm more Charlie Bronson than Clint Eastwood!
I'm waiting for the sequel [2006-01-13 03:50:48] posthumous
in which HJ tells us what happens when you shoot a toaster.


Go, HJ! Shoot your toaster! Write about it!
hugs 4 every 1 [2006-01-13 03:53:33] posthumous
well, I think I've been doing zirealisms long enough that there's one for every occassion.

effectiveness of guns
Not a toaster, but... [2006-01-13 05:51:03] König Prüße, GfbAEV
"a lawnmower" shot with a .50 cal!
Mower [2006-01-13 17:40:53] Stonecutter
I find myself wondering if the lawn mower actually invaded the shooter's home. If so, then he has really pushed his legal rights by not keeping it in the home. Next thing you know, the mower's family will sue the shooter. Ahh, litigious society!
Lawnmowers [2006-01-13 18:42:48] König Prüße, GfbAEV
When lawnmowers are outlawed, only outlaws will have lawnmowers! The NRA would be a lot more interesting if they quoted Charleton Heston from various of his movies, like Moses and Planet of the Apes, and some of the cowboy stuff. They should quote Boingie Baxter, too!
You heartless monster! [2006-01-13 23:02:35] Hatless Jack
That lawnmower had a wife and two little weed-whackers. It's not like we're talking about a goddamned toaster here.

Seriously, toasters can go toast themselves.
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