By: Hatless Jack [2006-01-30]

I Hate "Razor Burn"

You insufferable pansy-assed milquetoasts! How many goddamned shaving products do you need to be specifically aimed at your oh so sensitive skin? We're men goddamnit! We don't need shaving "emulsion" with cooling crystals. We don't need a special after shaving lotion made from lilacs and kiwi juice to soothe the tremendous pain of shaving. We don't need seven-bladed safety razors. Our razors don't need comfort strips. Moreover, if I see another guy with perfectly groomed stubble I'm going to have to beat him to death. Your only choices are bearded or clean-shaven unless your name is Snake Plissken or you are a soldier in the French foreign legion (and those are only exemptions because you would be far too busy killing people to bother to shave). But that's another tirade entirely.

Let me explain something to you:  Alcohol based aftershave was only invented because our forefathers had a very real chance of dying from an infected shaving cut. And they didn't mince around like Macaulay Culkin because it stung for a moment when they put it on. Furthermore, they shaved with razors so large and sharp there was a good chance they would cut an artery if they slipped. And yet, with all these disadvantages working against them, they still managed to shave everyday, and they got a closer shave then you with all your perfumed pretty-man products.

Shaving is a ritual that's been passed down from father to son since a caveman named "Urrrg" realized if he scraped his facial hair off with a carefully honed bit of obsidian his opponents couldn't grab his beard and smash him over the head with an antelope femur. To this day we scrape our face with sharp metal to commemorate that brave caveman. That is the way it has been for countless millennium, and we're currently in danger of screwing it all the hell up.

I'm not asking any of us to go back into the dark-ages of shaving technology. I'm simply asking you to take it like a man. At the rate we're heading by 2009 there will be a shaving cream with the refreshing power of mango and local anesthetic mixed into it. Shaving is neither hard nor painful if you are doing it right, and even if you don't know how to do it right there are machines that you can grind into your jaw that will do just as good of a job. It should be noted that these machines didn't need to be filled with lotion in order to provide you with the best shave until last year.

Gentlemen, we stand looking over the edge of a dark precipice where our sons and their sons use lasers or electrolysis. Not the manly types of lasers and electrolysis either; the girly type of lasers and electrolysis for hair removal. This dystopian future must not be allowed to pass. We will fight them! We will fight them in the bathrooms and in front of the mirrors! We will scoff at their two-hundred pound muscle-bound Goliaths who are laid low by the mere act of shaving! And by God we will WIN!

So in conclusion: Speaking strictly as a straight man, Paul Cadmus had the right idea about what a homosexual should look like.
Yeah! [2006-01-30 01:13:00] König Prüße, GfbAEV
That really chaps my ass!
dont! [2006-01-30 01:50:21] grothmogg
lick your chapped lipped ass! it will only make things worse
Welcome to the 21st century [2006-01-30 12:04:49] Wyatt
So I'm going to take it as a given that Hatless is NOT a card-carrying metrosexual. Damn, and I was gonna get him an appointment with Chris McMillan* for his birthday.




*Jennifer Aniston's gay hairdresser.
1940's or bust! [2006-01-30 13:11:26] Hatless Jack
You don't need to look like a gay man if you wear a suit and a hat. The suit is the perfect article of clothing and the hat is the perfect accessory. Women wish they had clothing like that. Going to work? Suit and a hat. Cocktail party? Suit and a hat. Going to the all-night diner? Suit and a hat. Wedding? Suit and a... actually that one probably requires a tuxedo.

Don't even get me started on ties. Most men don't even know how to tie a tie, and those that do use the four in hand knot. That's a bastard's knot. I spit on men who tie their ties with a four in hand. It's crooked! You know it's crooked. I know it's crooked. Untie it and do it the right way this time.


*Does he look like he came out of a Cadmus painting?
Knots [2006-01-30 16:09:56] König Prüße, GfbAEV
I hate crooked knots, too. And I'm none too fond of guys who wear bow ties all the time. Simetimes is OK, but not all the time. To avoid the crooked little knot, I give the tie an extra wrap or two! and don't pull the knot too tight. Also, I'm not above wearing a nice silk ascot. Never wear white shoes and a bolo-tie at the same time, unless you are wearing plaid slacks and a straw hat. Likewise, do not wear a fanny-pack and a cummerbund at the same time; unless, of course, you are also wearing a bolo-tie, white shoes, plaid slacks, and a straw hat.
Shaving [2006-01-30 20:52:11] Sean
I actually hate shaving. In California, I had an electric shaver, which never shaved too close, but close enough as long as I used it every morning.

In Germany, the electric shavers are all REALLY EXPENSIVE. I've bought to cheap ones and they both didn't work at all.

I've thought of getting that laser treatment that people usually use on their nether-regions, right on my face, so I'd never have to shave again.
nair [2006-01-30 21:58:37] Wyatt
Wait a minute ... you want your face to look like some chick's pube?

Not nair [2006-01-30 23:00:59] Sean
Not like a woman's pubic region, more like a cleanly-shorn, smooth face. Boyish, really, is how I'd describe it.

[Cue my entry music, which is "Autobahn" by Kraftwerk the theme to "Dukes of Hazzard" "What's New?" by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass something really bad-ass]

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, WYATT, HATLESS JACK, ALL YOU RAZOR-LOVIN' WEAKLINGS, WHAT YOU GONNA DO, _WHAT YOU GONNA DO_, WHEN SEANSTER COMES FOR YOU? WHEN SEANSTER BREAKS INTO YOUR HOMES AND STEALS YOUR RAZORS AND THEN WHAT YOU GONNA DO? WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU GOTTA WALK AROUND WITH HAIRY CHINS OR GET THE LASER TREATMENT? HNNNNNNUNGGGGGHHHH!

[Silence entry music]
I hate razor clams! [2006-01-31 02:33:44] König Prüße, GfbAEV
But geoducks are good!
The man gots a plan. [2006-01-31 06:40:43] Hatless Jack
The moment you finish your last laser treatment beards will come back into vogue. Everywhere you look there will be Goatees, Van Dycks, Verdis, Chinstraps, and even the fabled Bizzaro-Goatee. And I'll be there, oh yes. I'll be there looking like Rip van Winkle, mocking you. It'll be thick and full and long. Small children will play hide and seek in it, animals will nest in it, and I will be as strong as 15 giants because the bible teaches us Hair = Physical strength. I will set flaming foxes loose in your orchards and slay you with the jawbone of an ass.
justice is all about balance [2006-01-31 12:00:12] Wyatt
On the one hand we have psycho wigger Sean threatening housebreak and petty theft. On the other we have Hairy Jack with a ZZTop beard threatening arson and homicide.


I don't care what the mainstream media says, you guys are all right.
Blind Justice [2006-01-31 14:52:35] König Prüße, GfbAEV
When I was living in Virginia City, Nevada a whacky uncle lawyer pointed out a statue of Justice with the scales balanced and no blindfold, which he said was one of only three like that in the US. For some reason, this has got me thinking of the Mexican who could tell time by weighing the balls of a burro.
u think youz r so tuff [2006-01-31 19:15:53] posthumous
I shave in the shower WITHOUT A MIRROR. hair and blood are easily washed away.
Burma Shave [2006-01-31 20:42:01] König Prüße, GfbAEV
A naked chin
Is not depraved
Tell the World
That you just shaved
Burma Shave
Shaving [2006-01-31 21:23:40] Sean
I shave in front of the mirror, otherwise I miss spots and look like a fool. I too hate all the lady-man shaving products out there, but how far do you take it? Do you become one of those maniacs that uses a straight razor? I'd cut off my fool head.

Actually right now I'm not shaving at all. I grow facial hair that it'll take many weeks of looking like a fool before decided to just shave again.
the shower [2006-01-31 22:12:43] Wyatt
posty, the only reason you get away with that is that you've got no hair on your head. Those of us with goatees and sideburns do not play about with such foolishness unless we want to look lopsided.

I use a disposable razor, usually the same one for months. Shaving cream at home, but since I like to travel light I'm not above using hand soap, shampoo, whatever happens to be handy in the guest bathroom. I think of it as guerrilla shaving. I'm with Hatless - manly shaving practices should be efficient and real men aren't bothered with lotions and smelly liquids.

Shaving like a man... [2006-02-02 12:54:07] Stonecutter
Having been raised without the benefit of a father, I had to essentially teach myself to shave. The routine goes more or less like this. I either have just finished showering, or I splash my face with hot water if in a time-crunch. I then proceed to shave with whatever form of razor is available (I learned with those plastic disposables, but currently use a gillette mach 3). No shaving cream, just water. And in the absence of water, just the damn blade. I have reproduced these actions unintentionally in the presence of friends, and they never cease to be amazed. It is remarkable to me that "men" can be so surprised by a man being a man...
wow [2006-02-26 17:37:35] Ender
you guys are all seriously fucked up thats all i gotta say... hatless jack... your a ballless bible thumper, and after shave is for the few who get RAZOR BURN and dont want to look like a womans bikini line after they shave, sorry jack not everyone is a bigot hick like you. otherwise i agree, you dont need all that shit
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