I Hate "Razor Burn"
You insufferable pansy-assed milquetoasts! How many goddamned shaving products do you need to be specifically aimed at your oh so sensitive skin? We're men goddamnit! We don't need shaving "emulsion" with cooling crystals. We don't need a special after shaving lotion made from lilacs and kiwi juice to soothe the tremendous pain of shaving. We don't need seven-bladed safety razors. Our razors don't need comfort strips. Moreover, if I see another guy with perfectly groomed stubble I'm going to have to beat him to death. Your only choices are bearded or clean-shaven unless your name is Snake Plissken or you are a soldier in the French foreign legion (and those are only exemptions because you would be far too busy killing people to bother to shave). But that's another tirade entirely.
Let me explain something to you: Alcohol based aftershave was only invented because our forefathers had a very real chance of dying from an infected shaving cut. And they didn't mince around like Macaulay Culkin because it stung for a moment when they put it on. Furthermore, they shaved with razors so large and sharp there was a good chance they would cut an artery if they slipped. And yet, with all these disadvantages working against them, they still managed to shave everyday, and they got a closer shave then you with all your perfumed pretty-man products.
Shaving is a ritual that's been passed down from father to son since a caveman named "Urrrg" realized if he scraped his facial hair off with a carefully honed bit of obsidian his opponents couldn't grab his beard and smash him over the head with an antelope femur. To this day we scrape our face with sharp metal to commemorate that brave caveman. That is the way it has been for countless millennium, and we're currently in danger of screwing it all the hell up.
I'm not asking any of us to go back into the dark-ages of shaving technology. I'm simply asking you to take it like a man. At the rate we're heading by 2009 there will be a shaving cream with the refreshing power of mango and local anesthetic mixed into it. Shaving is neither hard nor painful if you are doing it right, and even if you don't know how to do it right there are machines that you can grind into your jaw that will do just as good of a job. It should be noted that these machines didn't need to be filled with lotion in order to provide you with the best shave until last year.
Gentlemen, we stand looking over the edge of a dark precipice where our sons and their sons use lasers or electrolysis. Not the manly types of lasers and electrolysis either; the girly type of lasers and electrolysis for hair removal. This dystopian future must not be allowed to pass. We will fight them! We will fight them in the bathrooms and in front of the mirrors! We will scoff at their two-hundred pound muscle-bound Goliaths who are laid low by the mere act of shaving! And by God we will WIN!
So in conclusion: Speaking strictly as a straight man, Paul Cadmus had the right idea about what a homosexual should look like.
Let me explain something to you: Alcohol based aftershave was only invented because our forefathers had a very real chance of dying from an infected shaving cut. And they didn't mince around like Macaulay Culkin because it stung for a moment when they put it on. Furthermore, they shaved with razors so large and sharp there was a good chance they would cut an artery if they slipped. And yet, with all these disadvantages working against them, they still managed to shave everyday, and they got a closer shave then you with all your perfumed pretty-man products.
Shaving is a ritual that's been passed down from father to son since a caveman named "Urrrg" realized if he scraped his facial hair off with a carefully honed bit of obsidian his opponents couldn't grab his beard and smash him over the head with an antelope femur. To this day we scrape our face with sharp metal to commemorate that brave caveman. That is the way it has been for countless millennium, and we're currently in danger of screwing it all the hell up.
I'm not asking any of us to go back into the dark-ages of shaving technology. I'm simply asking you to take it like a man. At the rate we're heading by 2009 there will be a shaving cream with the refreshing power of mango and local anesthetic mixed into it. Shaving is neither hard nor painful if you are doing it right, and even if you don't know how to do it right there are machines that you can grind into your jaw that will do just as good of a job. It should be noted that these machines didn't need to be filled with lotion in order to provide you with the best shave until last year.
Gentlemen, we stand looking over the edge of a dark precipice where our sons and their sons use lasers or electrolysis. Not the manly types of lasers and electrolysis either; the girly type of lasers and electrolysis for hair removal. This dystopian future must not be allowed to pass. We will fight them! We will fight them in the bathrooms and in front of the mirrors! We will scoff at their two-hundred pound muscle-bound Goliaths who are laid low by the mere act of shaving! And by God we will WIN!
So in conclusion: Speaking strictly as a straight man, Paul Cadmus had the right idea about what a homosexual should look like.