Fan Mail

Is it "Talk like a pirate day?"

More fan mail about my September 11th Article maybe?

"You are GAY! I will RAPE you, while still retaining my own obvious HETEROSEXUALITY! Then I will shoot you so no one finds OUT! It's what THOMAS PAINE would have wanted!

"Did I just QUOTE the man who SHOT LINCOLN? He was a PATRIOT! Abe was, not BOOTH. But still a COOL line. GAY!"

All of that seems awfully ambitious for someone who has trouble getting out of bed before noon.

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind is closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar." -Jubius Caesar

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." -Jubius Henry Marx

"Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious." -Oscar Wilde (Jubious Fruit)

"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel." -Samuel Johnson (Dubious Jubious)

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it." -George Bernard Shaw (a.k.a. GuBiouS)

"With the crowds on your side, it's easier to play up to your potential." -Jubius Erving

"Rey Raggy, who is ris roron? Rooby-Rooby-Doo!" -Scooby Jubious Doo

(to the tune of You're a Grand Old Flag
Everybody sing!

You're such a fag
When you're dressed up in drag
With your boa, your sequins, and pearls
Opera gloves
And high-heeled shoes
You're the envy of all the girls!

Per word, this is the gayest article thingsihate has ever had, and thingsihate has had homoerotic fanfiction about two of the editors getting gay with each other. A gayer post is theoretically possible, but you'd have to use most of the same sentences:

Eleven o'clock at night... I can't get any sleep because my walls are paper thin and the BDSM gay couple next door is at it again. Their safety word is "jubious". Yeah... I'm just going to go ahead and record a transcript:

"Fuck you ASSRAMMER."
"You think your so smart don't you FAGGOT?"
"You QUEERS think your better than me?"
"Well I will RAPE you!"
"You can just go SUCK A COCK like the FAGGOT you are!"
"We don't need FAGGOTS like you in AMERICA."

They must be playing Patriots and Traitors again... I wish I could describe the sounds coming from their apartment but I'm not entirely sure what's making them and I sure as hell couldn't do it justice with mere words. They're a really nice couple though, and they invited me to their apartment Christmas party.

I just did the math, and the above article is still gayer than my description of gay sex. That's really quite an accomplishment.

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough, After a minute or so, it becomes apparant that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her. " Kin ya swallow?" asks one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head, "NO". " Kin ya breathe?" asks the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head,"NO!",
again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into violent spasms and the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she can breatheagain. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a sip of his beer. His partner says, " Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver , but I ain't never seen nobody do it! "

I think the best part is how Minty capitalized all of the important words. There are really two main elements to the letter, that the people Minty disagrees with must be of an apparently vile sexual orientation, and that the punishment he/she would mete out to the perpetrators is a bizarre mix of death and forced sex—sex regardless of the perpetrators' gender(s) as well! Then mix in some jingoism with that sex and violence and you have a very confused individual, who can only lash out remotely, anonymously, and with much repressed sexuality.

Peppermint, please recognize your real issue! Or send more e-mails.

you think he knows that latin translates to death to tyrants not traitors

Sic semper tyrannis means thus always to tyrants and it really only works after you've killed one. I'm kinda disappointed it gets so much play, that and semper fi. I find the most useful latin quote is "Omnia iam fient fieri quae posse negabam" but you can only say it when watching the news and shaking your head sadly.

Quoting Ovid is a good choice. I like the reference.

To Peppermint Patty...er Homo-unculus... er Homonculus...
"In alio pediculum, in te ricinum non vides."

Translation - You see a louse on someone else, but not a tick on yourself. - Petronius

By the way, I am particularly offended by you and your pseudo-patriotic rambling that only reveals your desire to be assrammed the way you threaten it here. I am sure if you cruise certain circles, you could find some really big bears to wrestle with and have them manhandle you the way you purport to be willing to do with those of us here who actually recognize the value (albeit limited) in your right to freedom of speech.

Do you know what a homunculus is? What association can you possibly have for that and a peppermint unless you are truly even more repressed sexually than your email alludes?

Come on, you don't really hate faggots, do you? I mean really, with all the licentious behavior your email indicates, it is veritably impossible for a rational person to draw that conclusion. Unless, of course, you are really just in the self-loathing phase of coming out.

By the way, it would be cool to know which article you were so violently responding to. This patriot would like to see how you could stand up to actual criticism/debate as pertains to your perspective on what was written.

Your mindless dribble here only leaves you susceptible to further ridicule by your intellectual superiors. You have only proven yourself to be second intellectually to a fern.

Dumb fuck.

Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum!

Attulerat iam liberae civitati partim metu, partim patientia consuetudinem serviendi. Cum illo ego te dominandi cupiditate conferre possum; ceteris vero rebus nullo modo comparandus es.

this is a nice little site. ey?

THIS IS THE MOSH PIT OF THE GODS!!!

No. Things I Hate dot Org has enemies. Powerful enemies. Enemies who strike from the shadows with impunity. We're not sure what we did to direct their righteous and terrible wrath onto ourselves, but rest assured they will RAPE you like the HOMO you are in a totally NON-GAY manner.

My favorite part is where he threatens to rape us.

I think it's probably Pat Robertson.

It's certainly not me. I think the best part was when the writer substitued "QUEERS" for "FAGGOTS" to keep the reader entertained and the article fresh.

I would have like to have had included the phrase, Light in the loafers; it has that certain je ne sais quoi.

There are only so many offensive names for homosexuals. You have to ask yourself, did peppermint really do ENOUGH?

So am I to surmise from this conversation that The Cheat is actually Pat Robertson?

You know how Sean hates seafood!

The Cheat has always been The Cheat... except when he first came, and he was known as Invader Zim.

APPARENTLY you haven't read the story of the cheat: the beginning.

I looked at your web-thingie once, and it was actually a lot better than I thought it would be; I was sort of impressed with it. Is it still up? What's the URL again, please?

My website?

http://www.homestarrunner.com !?!?!

When's an update, DON'T MAKE ME SUBMIT SOMETHING.

Maybe that comment was directed at my post describing your country's navy jack as "dumbest fucking flag ever". I like the anger and overuse of caps and the word "faggots", it really makes you think that the writer is dumber than he is angry, quite an achievement.